my fault

i whine and complain a lot. and bitch and moan and scream against life and the universe and how unfair the fates can be. i flop on the floor and kick my feet and scream and throw a fit.

or at least i would, if i had somebody that would listen to me complain.

because sometimes i think life is very unfair. and i mean beyond the terrible bad things that happen to good people. i mean on a more personal level of how good things happen to bad people, so why do bad things happen to me? why is life unfair to me, specifically?

though it isn't. i am blessed with many things. and i have things in my life that are truly a blessing, though sometimes they don't seem that way. but it's more a problem with my frame of mind then the justness of the fates.

still there are times where i wish things could be different. and there are certain points in my past where i know exactly what choice lead me down this path to where i am today. and i wonder and play "what if" and i regret.

because part of me wonders if there is more in the world than this. that maybe, had i done things differently, i could have been so much more, so much better, had a chance at a more wonderful life. that all of my wildest dreams could have been reality had i just said no where i said yes. that this present life didn't have to be the future of my past.

part of me worries, though, that this is all there is. that i am not great because i am not meant for greatness. that i should be happy with what i have, because this is all there is and it wouldn't have been better no matter how much i changed my past. that this is as good as i will ever be.

i know i should be thankful for all the good i have. and just because i am not satisfied does not mean the fates were cruel. i made the choices that got me here, i was not forced into this life. and if i can't accept that this is my reality, that this is the way things are, then it is not anyone's fault but my own for walking the path that brought me here. and honestly, it's not anyone else's problem either. i have no right to complain, and i can't expect a do-over, because i know the world doesn't work like that. this is my life, this is all i get, and i should try to make the best of it. and if i feel the need to blame someone, i should start by looking in the mirror.