i am afraid. afraid to say the things that i want to, afraid to say the things that i probably should. i have so many thoughts swirling inside of my head, just crying to get out. and yet, i try to hold them all in.
because of certain events in my past, i am very careful with how much i say, with what i reveal of the true inner workings of my brain. my own thoughts and words have been my downfall, and i learned hard lessons i do not want to repeat.
though part of me wonders if i am just chicken. if i am afraid for no reason. surely those that i have surrounded myself with now are much more understanding, much more reasonable people. they wouldn't dare to jump to conclusions and twist my words. i should trust in them, and trust in myself that the people i choose to consort with are the kind of people that will know what i mean and won't run from me shrieking or try to use my words and thoughts against me.
i know full well the consequences my rambling, runaway mouth can have. if nothing else, i know i have caused needless worry, because people read too deeply into what i say. they add extra weight and meaning. it is why my dear husband won't read these words here, even if i asked him to, because he and i both know that he is most guilty of that kind of behavior. i have tried to explain that most of what is here is just random bits that i need to get out. once out, i am done and more content.
what confuses me the most when people worry over what i write is the fact that they were never worried before. i don't think that people need to be worried in the first place, but these thoughts that are here, they are always with me, it's just now i am sharing them with you. of course i realize you wouldn't worry about things that you didn't know were there, but nothing has changed in me other than what was inside is now out.
this is my outlet, it's really why i write at all. i worry and obsess and fret and freak out, all on the inside, until i am ready to burst. and so, as a cheap form of therapy, i write what is on my mind, what is worrying me, what thoughts i just can't let go. and when these are out of my head and on paper or on screen, these ideas seems much smaller and more manageable, they don't worry me so much.
so as i've said, i don't share to worry others, i share to vent. these are not signs that things are taking a turn for the worse, in sharing i look at it as exorcising demons so that i am better in the end.
March 27, 2011
March 25, 2011
things no one ever warns you about
my boys are close. close in age (only 15 months apart), close in size, and physically close because they share a room and all their toys.
they also have vivid imaginations. though, when lumpy was younger, i was worried because he really wasn't very good with imaginative play. he never really initiated any games, he always let bumble create whole worlds and he would just join in. they even shared an imaginary friend that bumble made up.
her name was maya, and she was a yellow dinosaur who was sometimes bigger than them, and other times she could fit in their pocket. usually one of them had to call her on one of the toy phones so that she could come over. one of the more surreal fights i had to break up was when lumpy said that bumble wouldn't let him talk to maya on the phone anymore, that she wasn't allowed to be his friend, she was only bumble's.
it was one of those moments in parenting they really don't warn you about. and one of those moments that i really wasn't sure what to do. if they had been fighting over a physical toy, i could handle that. i've had much experience with that. fighting over an imaginary friend's affections was something i wasn't prepared to deal with.
eventually lumpy created his own set of imaginary friends. he called them his "ant friends," because, realist that he is, they were imaginary ants. he would call them and talk to them and play with them. he would pretend they were driving his matchbox cars and living in the lego cities that he'd build. he then took it even further, and started blaming his ant friends for leaving his toys out when he was supposed to put them away.
my boys, creative like they are, still have imaginary fights that they want me to deal with. they've both become very interested in transformers, and now like to pretend that they are transformers fighting other transformers. but sometimes they can't agree on the rules of the fight, and one will say that they are on different sides and that they have to pretend to shoot at each other. then the other will say that they are still on the same side fighting an imaginary enemy. or one found a gun that makes the other one lose power and that means he's winning and the other is losing. or there are any number of other arguments about the details of their imaginary world.
and they come to me to make peace. usually i give them the age-old line that if they can't play nice, they shouldn't play together at all. or i try to distract them with a puzzle or board game or art project.
the best part is when they have these imaginary fights when my hubby is home and awake. because after they explain why they're fighting and what is going on, he looks at me and asks "really?"
because he can't believe this is what they fight about.
and i answer with "yes, really."
because this is what my life has become.
they also have vivid imaginations. though, when lumpy was younger, i was worried because he really wasn't very good with imaginative play. he never really initiated any games, he always let bumble create whole worlds and he would just join in. they even shared an imaginary friend that bumble made up.
her name was maya, and she was a yellow dinosaur who was sometimes bigger than them, and other times she could fit in their pocket. usually one of them had to call her on one of the toy phones so that she could come over. one of the more surreal fights i had to break up was when lumpy said that bumble wouldn't let him talk to maya on the phone anymore, that she wasn't allowed to be his friend, she was only bumble's.
it was one of those moments in parenting they really don't warn you about. and one of those moments that i really wasn't sure what to do. if they had been fighting over a physical toy, i could handle that. i've had much experience with that. fighting over an imaginary friend's affections was something i wasn't prepared to deal with.
eventually lumpy created his own set of imaginary friends. he called them his "ant friends," because, realist that he is, they were imaginary ants. he would call them and talk to them and play with them. he would pretend they were driving his matchbox cars and living in the lego cities that he'd build. he then took it even further, and started blaming his ant friends for leaving his toys out when he was supposed to put them away.
my boys, creative like they are, still have imaginary fights that they want me to deal with. they've both become very interested in transformers, and now like to pretend that they are transformers fighting other transformers. but sometimes they can't agree on the rules of the fight, and one will say that they are on different sides and that they have to pretend to shoot at each other. then the other will say that they are still on the same side fighting an imaginary enemy. or one found a gun that makes the other one lose power and that means he's winning and the other is losing. or there are any number of other arguments about the details of their imaginary world.
and they come to me to make peace. usually i give them the age-old line that if they can't play nice, they shouldn't play together at all. or i try to distract them with a puzzle or board game or art project.
the best part is when they have these imaginary fights when my hubby is home and awake. because after they explain why they're fighting and what is going on, he looks at me and asks "really?"
because he can't believe this is what they fight about.
and i answer with "yes, really."
because this is what my life has become.
March 24, 2011
the winds of change are blowing through... in my head
lately, i've been looking at all parts of my life, trying to figure out what i could change, what i could start doing differently, even what i should change. i'm not sure why, but recently i've just been feeling a little "off". i feel like things have changed, or are going to change, that there is something going on around me, even though i'm not sure exactly what.
am i the only one that every gets that feeling? that the world is suddenly spinning faster, that something is happening, somehow, somewhere, behind the scenes where we can't exactly make out what it is.
the worst part is that this kind of feeling always gets the crazy in me going. maybe everybody else but me already knows exactly what is happening and they just assume i know too. or they're all purposely keeping me in the dark. or they're all plotting against me, and this is all part of their master plan. or there really isn't anything going on, and it's only me that thinks there is, and everything is completely normal to everyone else.
so i try to keep my mouth shut in times like these, lest the crazy come out and i get all sorts of dirty looks.
still, it is spring, the time when the whole natural world changes. so maybe it is time for a change in me too.
am i the only one that every gets that feeling? that the world is suddenly spinning faster, that something is happening, somehow, somewhere, behind the scenes where we can't exactly make out what it is.
the worst part is that this kind of feeling always gets the crazy in me going. maybe everybody else but me already knows exactly what is happening and they just assume i know too. or they're all purposely keeping me in the dark. or they're all plotting against me, and this is all part of their master plan. or there really isn't anything going on, and it's only me that thinks there is, and everything is completely normal to everyone else.
so i try to keep my mouth shut in times like these, lest the crazy come out and i get all sorts of dirty looks.
still, it is spring, the time when the whole natural world changes. so maybe it is time for a change in me too.
March 18, 2011
my st. patrick's day meal
yesterday was st. patrick's day, and i was totally going to talk about delicious irish food. sadly i didn't have this post ready to go yesterday, so i figured i'd just save it for today. i'd like to blame it on all the whiskey and guinness i drank, but with kids like mine, i find it best to remain as sober as possible when dealing with them, so no alcohol passed these lips.
anyway, growing up we had a tradition of eating corned beef and cabbage and dyed green mashed potatoes on st. patrick's day. unfortunately, my hubby and kids don't really like corned beef. also, i made pork and sauerkraut on monday, so i think i've already eaten my weekly allotment of cabbage product this week.
so, instead of making corned beef and cabbage, i was going to make a shepherd's pie. now for those that don't know, a shepherd's pie is a thick stew of meat and vegetables and gravy, with the whole mess covered in mashed potatoes. it's then baked until the potatoes get all nice and crispy on top, staying creamy in the middle. it's hearty and satisfying, and i personally really enjoy it.
one very important fact about shepherd's pie is that it is made with lamb or mutton. it makes sense that shepherds would eat the kind of meat most readily available to them, and being that they were raising and tending sheep, sheep meat is the answer.
now, i have nothing against eating mutton or lamb, though for me it's a bit expensive. so when making shepherd's pie, i substitute beef for the lamb, which then technically makes it a cottage pie and not a shepherd's pie. to me, it's still quite delicious.
so i had settled on making a cottage pie yesterday, but when it came time to make dinner, i just wasn't in the mood. see, though i love cottage pie, my dear bumble does not. he's not a big fan of ground meat, though we're working on that, and he's not a fan of mashed potatoes or gravy at all. so i knew if i had gone ahead and made cottage pie, i would have had a fight on my hands, and like i said, i just wasn't in the mood.
i decided to change it up a bit, and instead of using mashed potatoes, i made a biscuit topping for it. i've always been a huge fan of bisquick, and this was just another good excuse to pull it out of my pantry. i also decided to switch out the gravy for low-fat cream of mushroom soup, a trick i use when making other kinds of casseroles. and instead of using a mix of vegetables, i just used corn, though that's because my hubby doesn't really like cooked carrots or peas.
now, after all the exchanges i made, i know it's not a cottage pie anymore, it was more of a hamburger pie. it was still good, and a hit with everybody except lumpy, who realized i had thrown some onions in with the meat when i fried it up, and he hates onions. though by the time he realized there were onions in it, he had eaten half his food.
in the end, our st. patrick's day dinner last night wasn't really irish food, though it was still good and super easy to throw together. maybe next time i'll add green food coloring to the biscuit part to make it more festive.
anyway, growing up we had a tradition of eating corned beef and cabbage and dyed green mashed potatoes on st. patrick's day. unfortunately, my hubby and kids don't really like corned beef. also, i made pork and sauerkraut on monday, so i think i've already eaten my weekly allotment of cabbage product this week.
so, instead of making corned beef and cabbage, i was going to make a shepherd's pie. now for those that don't know, a shepherd's pie is a thick stew of meat and vegetables and gravy, with the whole mess covered in mashed potatoes. it's then baked until the potatoes get all nice and crispy on top, staying creamy in the middle. it's hearty and satisfying, and i personally really enjoy it.
one very important fact about shepherd's pie is that it is made with lamb or mutton. it makes sense that shepherds would eat the kind of meat most readily available to them, and being that they were raising and tending sheep, sheep meat is the answer.
now, i have nothing against eating mutton or lamb, though for me it's a bit expensive. so when making shepherd's pie, i substitute beef for the lamb, which then technically makes it a cottage pie and not a shepherd's pie. to me, it's still quite delicious.
so i had settled on making a cottage pie yesterday, but when it came time to make dinner, i just wasn't in the mood. see, though i love cottage pie, my dear bumble does not. he's not a big fan of ground meat, though we're working on that, and he's not a fan of mashed potatoes or gravy at all. so i knew if i had gone ahead and made cottage pie, i would have had a fight on my hands, and like i said, i just wasn't in the mood.
i decided to change it up a bit, and instead of using mashed potatoes, i made a biscuit topping for it. i've always been a huge fan of bisquick, and this was just another good excuse to pull it out of my pantry. i also decided to switch out the gravy for low-fat cream of mushroom soup, a trick i use when making other kinds of casseroles. and instead of using a mix of vegetables, i just used corn, though that's because my hubby doesn't really like cooked carrots or peas.
now, after all the exchanges i made, i know it's not a cottage pie anymore, it was more of a hamburger pie. it was still good, and a hit with everybody except lumpy, who realized i had thrown some onions in with the meat when i fried it up, and he hates onions. though by the time he realized there were onions in it, he had eaten half his food.
in the end, our st. patrick's day dinner last night wasn't really irish food, though it was still good and super easy to throw together. maybe next time i'll add green food coloring to the biscuit part to make it more festive.
March 17, 2011
this one time at the lunch table
i was sitting at the table with my kids eating lunch the other day, and the boys had the most fascinating conversation. usually their talks revolve around transformers or bakugan or their shared imaginary friend maya. this time, though, was a little bit different.
they started talking about the future, and lumpy proceeds to explain how when he grows up he's going to live in a really huge house, and he'll invite bumble and his kids over. and bumble's kids will be allowed to sleep over, but they won't be allow to do karate in the house because there will be lots of fragile stuff everywhere, and lumpy doesn't want his "fragile pretties" broken.
bumble then has the brilliant idea to make it a rule that there is no karate practice allowed to happen in the house. and then both the boys try to figure out what to do if it rains or snows and they really want to practice karate. so lumpy decides his house will have four bedrooms upstairs: one for him, one for bumble when bumble stays over, one for bumble's kids, and one to be used as a karate room. this is decided to be a brilliant plan, and with everything sorted out, they finish lunch and go off to play.
i never realized that my boys thought so much about the future. it does make me happy that even when they're grown they still want each other in their lives. and i know that might change, but still, i'd like to think that no matter what happens later in life, my boys will be there for each other and will be able to count on each other if they need to. it gives me a sense that maybe these boys of mine are going to turn out all right after all.
the one other thing that amused me greatly about their whole conversation is that my dear bumble has picked out names for his children already. he plans to name his son after himself, which means that my husband's desire for bumble to be proud of his name is realized. bumble is actually the fourth, my hubby is the third, and bumble wants his son to be the fifth, a tradition i don't think you find much anymore. bumble has also decided that if he has a daughter, he wants her to be named stephanie, which is especially funny because he's still in the stage where he thinks girls are gross, so i'm not exactly sure how he thinks he's going to be having these children. though he's only seven, so he has years (and years and years, hopefully) to figure that out.
they started talking about the future, and lumpy proceeds to explain how when he grows up he's going to live in a really huge house, and he'll invite bumble and his kids over. and bumble's kids will be allowed to sleep over, but they won't be allow to do karate in the house because there will be lots of fragile stuff everywhere, and lumpy doesn't want his "fragile pretties" broken.
bumble then has the brilliant idea to make it a rule that there is no karate practice allowed to happen in the house. and then both the boys try to figure out what to do if it rains or snows and they really want to practice karate. so lumpy decides his house will have four bedrooms upstairs: one for him, one for bumble when bumble stays over, one for bumble's kids, and one to be used as a karate room. this is decided to be a brilliant plan, and with everything sorted out, they finish lunch and go off to play.
i never realized that my boys thought so much about the future. it does make me happy that even when they're grown they still want each other in their lives. and i know that might change, but still, i'd like to think that no matter what happens later in life, my boys will be there for each other and will be able to count on each other if they need to. it gives me a sense that maybe these boys of mine are going to turn out all right after all.
the one other thing that amused me greatly about their whole conversation is that my dear bumble has picked out names for his children already. he plans to name his son after himself, which means that my husband's desire for bumble to be proud of his name is realized. bumble is actually the fourth, my hubby is the third, and bumble wants his son to be the fifth, a tradition i don't think you find much anymore. bumble has also decided that if he has a daughter, he wants her to be named stephanie, which is especially funny because he's still in the stage where he thinks girls are gross, so i'm not exactly sure how he thinks he's going to be having these children. though he's only seven, so he has years (and years and years, hopefully) to figure that out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)