seeing what i see

bumble is in sixth grade now. last year, at the end of fifth grade, his teachers finally convinced the principal to bring in the school psychologist to have him evaluated. i had been saying for years and years that i think there is something wrong, that he is slower than he needs to be, that this attitude of "he'll eventually catch up" wasn't working. something needed to be done, but it took all the way until fifth grade to finally have them run all their tests and analyze all of his work to make their determination, to make their diagnosis of his issues. their official diagnosis that, without which, he didn't qualify for the extra help he sorely needed.

so finally, after tests and meetings and having people literally follow him around all day to see how he did in class, how he interacted with his peers, how he took his tests, the word from on high was passed down. beyond his speech delays (which he was already receiving therapy for) and his motor skill delays (which were being addressed), they determined that he had phonological dyslexia. so he can't read because he can't sound out words because he doesn't hear them correctly. and if you say the words to him, he can't repeat them because he has so many pronunciation issues because of his speech delays. it's a sloppy mess of problems that were finally going to be addressed and he would get the help he sorely needed.

not that they thought they could get him up to grade level for years and years. it was five years that they let these issues go untreated, so it would be another three, or four, or five, until he was able to read and work at the level of his peers. which shouldn't be so much of a problem because now he qualified for extra help! so instead of doing the reading work the rest of the class was doing, he was reading other text that was on his level! and instead of trying to keep up with the spelling words that his peers had to learn, he had his own list that was phonologically selected to help his learn "sound chunks!"

except there was certain work he had to complete with the rest of his class. he had to learn the definitions of the same vocabulary words, for instance. words that correlated to a story the rest of the class worked on, but not him because the story was above his level. so he had to struggle to learn the words as he didn't have the benefit of context clues to help him memorize the definitions.

and yet there is hope, finally. because i was listened to, finally. and he is getting help, finally. for all my failings and fears that all of his issues were my fault, i would not stand by without fighting for him. i might not fight for myself, but him, he (like his siblings) are always worth fighting for.

not like you

so it's been a few weeks since i've posted anything here. we are still trying to get back into the swing of school and scouts and sports. plus last christmas it was decided that taking a family vacation during the fourth week of school would be a lovely idea, so once we were finally getting used to our routines, we took a break and now have to embrace them again.

i've also had a lot on my mind, things i've been working through, things i want to share here. it's the thoughts i have that pop up every year around this time, when our family schedule changes. it takes almost all school year for things to settle and everyone to accept their roles and duties. and then school ends and summer starts and all the routines and schedules and set daily plans go out the window in bits and pieces, until we find ourselves at the end of summer and the beginning of a new school year and we have to start all over again.

i don't mind the starting over again, i like routines and schedules, and my kids really thrive on knowing what comes next and what is expected of them and the plans we have for the day and week ahead. the part that throws me for a loop every year is that the school year also includes scouts and sports and all the other activities that my kids are involved in. all summer i can luxuriate in my agoraphobia, but at the end of august i am expected to be an adult and mother and go to meetings and practices and interact with other adults. and that is when, unfortunately, my differences always shine.

i don't like talking to people, i am terrible at small talk, and i always feel like i have nothing to say. but small talk is almost a requirement at these kid events, or it used to be until the age of smart phones and my new ability to stare at a small screen and pretend i am busy. i also have a "bit" of social anxiety, where as soon as i leave my house i start to panic. once we finally get to where we are going, the kids jump out of the car to join their peers and leave me milling around with the rest of the adults. those adults who i am convinced are laughing and pointing and talking about me, secretly belittling me because they know i am not like them, that i don't belong, that i am different and not the same and not worth being here. and so the panic sets in, and invariably i feel like crying or vomiting or hiding in my car, or all three if i happen to be at a boy scout meeting. so then, to pass the time and look busy and give me something else to focus on, i live tweet my panic attack, describing my cold sweats and nausea and racing heart and fear (it's a good time, you should follow me). and eventually, it ends, the kids come back, we get in the car and go home, and in the comfort of my safe space i am better.

all of my issues about leaving my house are tied together, and to fix one i must work on fixing them all. i know i would have an easier time if i was better at small talk, i would feel less different if i could hold a conversation with the other parents. because i know that they really aren't standing around making fun of me, they probably don't even notice me, but because i don't interact with them, my mind jumps to worse case scenario. the problem i have is that (especially at scouts, which is the worst) i don't have anything to talk about with the other parents. our interests are too different to be able to talk week after week about anything more than the weather. beyond the activity at hand, our kids don't even have much in common, so after all these years of seeing the same people, i have run out of ways to talk about the weather.

also, the simple fact that i struggle with anxiety sets me apart. but how to explain that i am not stuck up or bitchy but flat out scared is the reason i sit quietly and don't say anything? especially when in so many places the discussion of mental illness is taboo? last tuesday, while sitting around with the other parents, bumble ran over to me and said that i should try to make friends. it kills me that even he realizes i am not like the other moms. he has enough he is dealing with and has to personally overcome without being the kid with the weird mother, but i am at a lost with what to do.

on the internet it is easy to find people who share your interests, who are similar to you and with whom you can talk to about anything. in real life, in the more conservative circles i am forced to travel, it is so much harder. i don't watch sitcoms or care about the latest celebrity scandal or agree that this country was really founded on christian principles and the bible should dictate the laws we pass. i would much rather talk about superheros and space exploration and environmental conservation and the best way to build pneumatic steampunk fairy wings. but finding physical people to talk about stuff like that with, instead of just digital, has proven impossible. so i will continue to sit quietly and stare at my phone and try to slow my racing heart, and hope that, even if others do think i'm different, they don't hold it against my kids.

the weird family

as summer winds down, i have been taking an inventory of things i have learned over the summer. some of the basics aren't really new, such as sometimes my boys are super amazing together and sometimes they're like rabid dogs at each others' throats. i have seen how fish can play well with other kids, but only on her terms; when she is done playing and wants to be left alone, she is loud enough and big enough that she can get her way.

other things, though, are truths i suppose i should have realized long ago but have been blind to. this summer, and all of the activities we've participated in, have reinforced those truths. or truth, because there is one that is all encompassing and umbrellas all small nuggets of wisdom. it is that my family is strange.

now yes, i know, in this day it is kind of hip to say that everyone should be their own unique person and kids should be themselves and be proud when they are. still, there are social acceptable norms that a family shouldn't stray too far from, kind of like it's ok to be weird, just not too weird. my family blast through those lines without looking back.

like when we all go to play at the playground for some outside family fun, and it is my kids that are yelling and screaming and carrying on too loudly. and bumble is playing with the very little kids because he doesn't get along well with those of his size. and fish is jumping off of things and crying that she hurt herself, and when i call her over to see if she's ok the first thing out of her mouth is she wants to know if she's in trouble. and lumpy making everything into a gun or weapon or some war game, making very specific references to violent video games he probably shouldn't know. and all the while i am getting judgy side-eye from all the other parents for ruining their peaceful day out.

it's also fun to get confirmation your kids are the weird ones when they go to scout camp by themselves. and one doesn't play so well with others because they are a very strict rule follower, and they get into fights with other kids who want to play and maybe don't follow the rules to the letter, and that's not ok by them. and then the other one, who has known social issues, has so much trouble interacting with the other boys that the leaders have to sit everyone down and explain that bullying is not ok.

i already have issues going out and interacting with others in public, i would be very happy never to have to leave the house. the fact that my kids are the weird kids does not make going out any easier. i don't really help myself though, because i am always overly prepared, with a giant purse filled with just in case supplies, and i am terrible at small talk so i don't try to make any, and when i do end up talking i trail off mid-sentence or talk too fast and too loud.

so yeah, all the interactions we've had this summer has just confirmed what i always feared, that my family is the weird family. and so much these days says to revel in your strangeness and embrace your differences, but it's hard when you live in a conservative area and being different isn't always celebrated. at least i know it'll never be boring around here.

sring break

my boys are on spring break right now. it boggles my mind that they have such a thing. everyone else i know with kids in other districts near and far don't have to deal with this, the trecherous evil of the school board to give kids a vacation with a weekend filled with sugar and candy smack in the middle of it.

last week was a short week for them. it snowed monday, and though they could have handled a two hour delay, the school closed and the boys had off. then on thursday, the "start" of break, they only had a half day. it still counts as a full day of school, but really it's a day to rush through a little bit of work and then let the kids play "educational" games. not that i'm really complaining about them playing those kinds of games in school. lumpy needs more practice playing games with peers, unfortunately he's sometimes lacking in the good sportsmanship department. and it's not he's really a sore winner or loser, it's that sometimes people want to modify the rules to make things more fair or run smoother, and he freaks out. lumpy is a stickler for following rules to the letter, and working any loophole made by them.

well on thursday, i picked the boys up from school, and bumble came home with easter candy, so i can only imagine how much work was done if they stopped to hand out candy to all the kids. it is at that point i realized this break would be sugar-fueled craziness.

they then had off on friday, and they don't go back to school until this thursday, so it's almost a week off. and it really doesn't help that we had an easter dinner with my moms on saturday, and then with my dad on sunday, at both of which they got more candy. and of course, the easter bunny had to stop at our house sunday morning. though the easter bunny here was clever and left a handful of candy and a nice toy instead of a basket full of sugar.

still, it's been sugar overload. everyday, a few times a day, they have a piece or two of candy. i'm trying to be reasonable, and we're talking about appropriate serving sizes together so they understand, but still, that kind of constant sugar buzz is something they're not used to. and i know there have been studies done that say sugar doesn't wind up kids, and that might technically be true, because the amount of sugar they're eating is not what is calling their craziness. it's the fact that they're eating any sugar, because they're not used to it, that winds my kids up so. it's the treats, and then going out and doing things, it's all the over stimulation. all three of them have been bouncing off the walls at different times, and then dropping down in a crash when they don't get what they want.

unfortunately, my boys need the structure of school to help them hold their emotions in, and i just don't have the time and energy to keep a constant super schedule going at home. especially at this point, where everybody is bouncing around like rabid monkeys, i'm lucky to keep everything from falling into total chaos. i believe all of us are secretly, or not so secretly, counting down the days until school starts again. and already, i shudder to think what summer will hold.

my dear smart boy

bumble struggles with school. he has issues and trouble, and he's getting tons of help by very qualified teachers and assistants in school. but that doesn't mean we get to be lazy at home. oh no, part of his action plan is not only all of his school work, but also a rigorous schedule of homework. extra work beyond what is assigned to all of the other kids. he has flash cards and worksheets and general practice we have to do.

a lot of this extra special homework is stuff i can have him do on his own, and then check over to make sure he's getting the concept he's practicing. some of it, though, i have to sit with him and work with him and help him with.

so on a typical day, after all the regular homework stuffs and the special homework stuffs and having dinner (the making, the eating, the cleaning up after), there isn't much extra time to do anything that isn't required. which is why, most nights, lumpy gets to do whatever he wants. his only real duty is to keep his sister quiet so his brother and i can work.

see, for whatever reason, lumpy's teacher this year has said that she just wants to let kids be kids, so unless they're struggling with something they work on in class, she won't assign homework. which means he hardly ever gets homework.

already poor bumble has said how not fair it is that he gets tons of homework and lumpy doesn't get any. honestly, i also think lumpy's teacher's view is a little strange. it's especially strange because last year, when we were in a different school and he was only in first grade, lumpy was bringing home a book every night to read and a math worksheet to practice. and now, because he does so well in class during the day, he rarely brings anything home.

i guess it's also strange to me because to look at both my boys together, to see their abilities, it's amazing how far behind one is and how advanced the other. for the longest time i would worry about what would happen when lumpy would catch up to bumble, because it was clear from the beginning that it would happen one day. well honestly, i shouldn't have worried, because lumpy is miles ahead in reading and writing and spelling, and hasn't made a big deal about it. in fact, my usually un-empathetic boy barely said anything when bumble brought home books to read that he had brought home months before.

it does make me wonder, though, if i had the time to spend with him and help him and work with him, how much further along would he be? all my time is devoted to trying to help bumble catch up to his grade levels, so it's a blessing that lumpy can manage most of his work on his own. i already know he's intelligent, and he's proven that he's clever, it makes me hope all the more that things get figured out with his brother, because i have a feeling that lumpy could really go places and impress people. if only i had time to help him along.

labels

in my past, i have been labeled many things. and because of those labels, it changed people's notions of who i was. and, even worse, i let myself be changed by them. i would try to grow into a label that didn't quite fit, instead of fighting against it or ignoring it completely, which, in hindsight, is obviously what i should have been doing all along.

so i've rallied against them. i do my best to not label people, to let them show me who they are and what they can do, instead of grouping them in with all the other people that they seem like, stamping them all with the same label, and dismissing anything extra they might possess or be. in short, i think labels are bad and i try not to use them.

and yet, i know find myself in the strange position of working hard to label my dear bumble. i want him to be rubber stamped and categorized, because that seems to be the only way he'll get the help he desperately needs.

i love him dearly, and he has many talents and strengths, but school is not one of them. not all of school, and certainly not the experience as a whole. he makes friends, delights his teachers, and sets a good example by working hard and doing his best. and honestly, he's good at math, numbers are his strong suit. it's all those pesky letters that trip him up.

last year he was in a different school. and there he learned to spell by memorizing lists of words. and it was easy to get him to practice by writing and rewriting that list, then quizzing him on it and making him write the ones he missed again. this year, at this new school, they don't use rote memorization to teach spelling, they use a phonics system. it's a system all the kids were introduced to in first grade, and bumble, who is in third, had to learn not only the new lessons but how the whole system worked.

and he just doesn't get it. and i've tried to help him, but it's one of those things in my head where things just are the way they are. like, if there is a silent e at the end of a word it makes the other vowel long, just because that's how it works. so it's hard for him to wrap his head around because i can't really explain it to him.

but it's extra hard because, for his tests, he's supposed to spell the words by saying them out loud and figure our the letter combinations by how the word sounds, all according to the phonic rule he studied that week. but how is he supposed to sound out words if he can't say them correctly? i mean, he sees a speech therapist for an hour a week because he can't sound out word like everyone else. so even though he tries his best, he's barely passing spelling.

and because he can't speak properly and sound words out, and because there also seems to be some break down in his comprehension, he is failing reading. there are levels set by the school, and there are guidelines set by the state, and he sees a reading specialist to try and help him catch up. because he isn't just a little behind, according to all the guidelines he's only reading at a second grade level. like the latest tests he took, he scored at level 20 (whatever that number really means). by the end of second grade/beginning of third, he was supposed to be a level 28. by the end of third, he supposed to be a 42 or something ridiculous. sadly, he's so far behind, i haven't even bothered to see where he's supposed to be grade level wise at this point. his brother, lumpy, who is in second grade, recently tested at level 24. bumble has started bringing home the same books his brother brought home months ago. so you can imagine how fun this is to deal with when faced with competitive brothers.

i am at a loss with all of it. i try to help him. we practice practice practice at home. he does his regular homework, his speech homework, and extra worksheets we've found to try and help him catch up. because i keep desperately hoping that something finally clicks and he just gets it. because he loves school and loves to learn and tries so hard, he definitely deserves to get it.

unfortunately, i've finally accepted that he's probably not just going to get it. that, as much as i love him, there is something not quite right going on in his brain. and so now his teachers, his specialists, and i are working toward getting him a label. because he's getting all the help they can give at school, unless he's labeled with a learning disability. because until they can say exactly what programs he needs, according to his label, then he can't have access to any of them.

this broken system breaks my heart. and as much as i don't like it, i know it's best and the right thing for him. looking toward the future, it's what needs to be done.

oh poodles

any parent of a small child, or a child that once was small, knows one fun little fact. in truth, it's something that anyone that has come in contact with a small child for any length of time probably knows. small children are parrots. not that they hang out with pirates and eat crackers, though mine would love that. what i want to talk about here is that small ones will repeat whatever you say.

sometimes it's funny. saying complicated words and phrases, and then hearing them repeated with a cute little toddler lisp is adorable. or when you have to have a serious talk with one kid, and the little one repeats your lecture, word for word, while standing right behind you. even better is when they copy your stance, hand on hip with one finger raised. it helps to remind you that your kids are only young for so long, and maybe making a huge deal about a messy room that you've told them to clean up for the millionth time is not as world ending as you previously thought.

and their parrot skills are strange at times. hearing them say phrases out of context is weird, but when they say things that are spot on, like "that is absolutely terrible" in response to your complaints about having to put away yet another load of laundry, is even weirder.

though what i really remember from when the boys went through this stage, and it is really brought to mind with my dear fish just entering it, is that they will repeat all the things you don't want them to say. when bumble was around two, you could get him to say anything. in fact, it was his favorite game. it was cute when we'd watch old kung fu movies and he'd yell along and swing a fake sword. it was way less cute when he'd repeat at the dinner table things he might have heard me mention in traffic. and that's what dear fish is doing now: she's telling the boys that "daddy is going to kick your ass" for doing something wrong. not that it ever actually happens, but perhaps it's something she's heard the boys threatened with on more than one occasion.

and so, to combat her developing the vocabulary of a well seasoned sailor, my family and i have tried to use words that sound like the ones we really want to say. like fudge. or dumpster (my sister's favorite). and i've started to use "oh poodles" for just about everything. because even if fishie repeats poodles, it sounds innocent no matter how it comes out. unlike fudge, which if slurred by a two year old just right, still sounds like the f-word we're trying not to say.

the strange things is that now i say it even when i don't have to. even when i'm around other grown ups, or even just by myself, i still say poodles. which i guess isn't so bad, it's safer to be so used to saying it that i won't slip up and say something i shouldn't. at this stage, i'm trying to expand fish's vocabulary in good ways, with words like probably and fantastic. learning all those other words sounds like a job for poppop.

worries

it's late and i can't sleep. thoughts keep running around my head, and my mind just won't turn off. and the worst part is that there really isn't much that i can do about any of the things i'm actually worried about.

and yet knowing that doesn't help. and quietness and meditation and all the usual tricks don't help. so i figured i'd share my more pointless worries, in hopes of at least quelling some of the riot.

my dearest fish is doing great with her potty training. that is not my worry. it is more my annoyance. because though she rocks the potty, she won't go by herself. and when she has to go, she has to go. so i have to drop everything and stop whatever i'm doing to go and help her potty. and i know, eventually, she'll not only be awesome at going, but she'll be able to go all by herself. it's just getting her to that stage that is driving me bonkers.

the other part of potty training that i'm worrying about is that we are going on vacation as a family this weekend. to canada. so we'll be out and about in unfamiliar territory. and staying in a hotel all weekend. i don't know how she'll do with the changes, but i am already very much aware about how much i'll be missing out on because i'm the one that'll have to take her. you know, because my dear hubby can't exactly go into the women's bathroom, and fish would be one to point and ask "what's that" when walking by urinals in the men's room. and i know this is just fact and a reality of being a mom, but it still sucks big time.

the other sucky reality is that bumble is up against one of his greatest weaknesses in school right now and i can't help him. or don't know how. in his old school, spelling was taught by memorizing lists of words, and then getting tested on those words. in this new school, they have a short list of "trick words," ones that don't follow rules or patterns, and they're tests are on two or four words from the list. the rest of the spelling test isn't really spelling like we're used to studying for, it's more like a phonics test. in addition to getting a list of like eight trick words, he's expected to learn three or four phonics rules, like how certain letters work together to make sounds, and then he's tested on random words that follow those specific rules. the rest of the kids in his class of learned this stuff since 1st grade and it's all new for him. needless to say, he got a 45% on his first test. and i've talked with his teacher on how to better prepare him, and all she could say is he needs to practice the example words she sent home, or any other words we can think of that are examples of the rules. i really feel out of my depth with this.

the other part to this phonics stuff, kind of a kick him while he's down thing, is that the rules he's supposed to learn and master and be able to use for the second test are all suffix rules. like knowing when plurals end in -s or -es by knowing which sound they end in (anything that ends in -ch or -sh with end in -es, single consonants will end in -s). or hearing a word and knowing if it ends in -ed or -er or -est or -ing. yeah, guess who is in a specialized speech and language program because he can't hear or pronounce the ending sounds of words, in addition to not knowing the different between -ch and -th sometimes? so how is he supposed to pass these phonics tests? and how am i supposed to help him?

maybe if i had gotten him help sooner. or even realized he needed help. or read to him more. maybe if his previous teachers listened to me when i said i think he was falling behind. or if we hadn't been in a school where they could only see him for 30 minutes every two weeks because the speech teacher was stretched between four schools. maybe if i had the money to have gotten him private help over the summer, we would have been able to start this school year off ahead of the curve.

i guess the other, bigger "maybe" that keeps me up is that i wonder if maybe my kids had a better mother than me, there wouldn't be any of these issues. if i had been paying attention, i could have gotten bumble early intervention and then he could be rocking school right now. just like, if i had really seen what was going on all those years ago, i would have realized how sick lumpy was and maybe we could have avoided the hospital stays and years of medication. and if i was able to take control of things better, maybe fish would be a more well mannered child. unfortunately, my kids are stuck with me.

cupcakes and birthday guilt

so i might have mentioned last week that on saturday was my dear bumble's birthday. we had a busy weekend of fun planned, including an awesome party. so even though i wouldn't be able to personally make a cake for him, i thought he'd still have a good birthday. and then the fates conspired against us.

he wanted an angry bird's themed party, which i hadn't been able to find in any of the stores, so i ordered the supplies online. i used the same site that i've used for years, like since bumble turned four, and usually everything goes perfectly. this time, though, things went all wonky. we moved and i put in our new address, but they still had the old one on file, and their system got all confused and said it couldn't verify our address. so i had to call and get things straightened out, and they promised that i would get the supplies by friday, because that's when we were leaving. but i didn't get them. i didn't get the box until monday, when it was way too late.

so, we went up town anyway, figuring that we would be able to find something that would work for the party. the plan was that my father-in-law was going to take my boys out quad riding saturday, and then i would have all day to prepare for the party that was taking place that evening. then it stormed, and they couldn't go. now, part of the fun of riding is that they get all messy and muddy, but we had to draw the line at thunder and lightening. honestly, i think lumpy was more upset then bumble, but still, it wasn't the fun day they were supposed to have.

in the end, the party came together well enough. i tried to make up for the fact that we didn't have angry birds by decorating with every balloon and streamer we had. and he said he loved his cake, even though it came from the store.

when we came home, we had another small party with my family for bumble. he got chinese food and a lovely cake made by my sister. still, it was more like all of us hanging out together then a real party, in my mind at least. again, he said he had a good time, but then he's also not one to complain.

honestly, it's one of those crazy things that i build up in my mind. everybody said that everything went well. and the birthday boy himself was happy. so why did i think that i failed somehow? i kept thinking that, because things went wrong, i had to keep making things up to him. but no matter what i did, it didn't seem like it was good enough. still, that's a problem i have with so many things in regards to my kids. i always want to give them more and do better, and when i can't live up to the ridiculously high standards i set for myself, i feel like i'm not worthy or good enough. it's an issue i have that i'm working on, and maybe one day i'll be better.

not yet though. because i feel like i failed over the weekend, i decided to try and make it up to him by making cupcakes that he was able to share at his first cub scout meeting on monday. and because one of the boys in his den isn't a fan of chocolate, i made funfetti cupcakes with extra sprinkles. and for something extra fun and different, i made blue cotton candy flavored frosting (which isn't hard when all i had to do was make standard butter cream and add this). with extra sprinkles on top, of course.

it's cookies AND candy... and birthday thoughts

i have a lot going on in my life right now. my dear bumble turns nine on saturday, and life has gotten so busy that i won't be able to make his cake. which is a big deal for me. the worst part is that he is having two parties, and i am so busy in the next couple of days that i don't have time to make a cake for either of them.

i feel awful. this is a huge fail for me. though it's not like i haven't bought him a cake from the store before. honestly, as long as there is cake, i don't think he really care where it comes from. but i care. and i know. and i keep records.

and so, to try and make myself feel better for this coming fail, and a host of others that are currently happening, i have decided to sooth my family's troubles with something sweet. or, more accurately, i have decided to sooth my own conscience and assuage my guilt with chocolate.

looking through my recipe stacks, i've settled on trying something new. it involves melting chocolate and mixing it with a whole package of crushed oreos, and a can of sweetened condensed milk. after you let it cool a bit so they don't melt right away, you mix in chocolate chips. then you press the whole mess in a foil lined pan, cool in the fridge, and eat.

i've never made these bars before, but i imagine that they won't set completely hard, like a chocolate bar. the reason is because the ridiculously easy fudge recipe i have is just chocolate chips and sweetened condensed milk melted together and cooled. so even those these bars use less melted chocolate and have crushed cookies in them, i feel they'll have a fudgey consistency. which also means that i can cut the pieces smaller to make them last longer. it also means they'll probably be very sweet. and that i'll need to keep them in the fridge. however they turn out, i know that these bars will be a hit with my family. we like all of the ingredients separately, so mixed together means it should be even better.

and whether i make these bars or not, i do understand that my dear bumble is not worried about his birthday. he's happy to know there will be cake and quad riding and games at one party and chinese buffet dinner at the other, so he's content with the fact that he'll get to do so many of his favorite things. it's more that i am trying to make myself feel better because i think i let him down then that he feels bad, because he doesn't think i've done anything wrong. i blame the mommy-guilt, but that's a topic for another time.

it's potty time!

with the boys in school all day, i have more free time. over the summer we were all so busy with reading and writing and all the normal summertime fun, i didn't have much time to get to all the things that i was hoping to do. now that my schedule has opened up a bit, i can focus on some of the important things i was putting off. like helping fish take the big step that will officially (in my mind) turn her from a toddler into a big girl. yeah, it's time to start potty training.

it's not like this is an out-of-the-blue decision. she's shown signs that she's ready. and we have attempted it a few times in the past. but either things got crazy at home or she just stopped being interested, and so i put off really trying until a later time. i really wasn't worried about her not being interested, because she's only 2 and a half, and i can remember the boys didn't bother until they were much older.

we started trying to train bumble just before he turned three. it was a struggle, but that i think had more to do with the fact that i had no idea what i was doing than that he wasn't ready. and it took a while, but he had it down. then we moved and he started having accidents and we had to go through potty training refresher courses.

my dear lumpy was a completely different story. he would watch his brother trying to go, he watched us help bumble through the whole process, he knew exactly what he was supposed to do, he just didn't want to bother. why stop what you're doing and the fun you're having just to go and sit on a funny white seat when going pee in your pants is so much faster and easier? the preschool we sent both the boys two had a daycare of sorts that allowed kids that weren't potty trained, which lumpy joined when he was two. on christmas break they had two weeks off from school, which also happened to be when he turned three. and so, in those two weeks, my hubby and i really forced lumpy to stop being lazy and start going like a big boy. he went from diapers all the time to regular underwear and no accidents all night in two weeks. if ever i need to point to a sign that my youngest boy will always choose the easiest way possible, how he was potty trained is it.

(another story that springs to mind is how he used a calculator to do his simple addition problems for homework once. and the only reason i questioned him is because he finished all 20 problems in less than 5 minutes. maybe he doesn't choose the easiest way so much as he is just lazy. and clever. which is turning into a very dangerous combination.)

anyway, i have a funny feeling that training my fishie will be much like training lumpy. she knows what she needs to do, and she's done it enough times that she's comfortable going. she's even gotten to the point where, once she goes, she comes and tells me when she needs a diaper change if she's ready for one. so, starting today, i am making her go. at least twice an hour i make her sit on her potty chair. and we decided her rewards for going would be temporary tatoos. i'm really pushing this because i've also decided i bought my last box of diapers. i'm not sure what i'll do if she runs through them all, but i believe that it won't be a problem. now that it's just her and i home all day, i can focus on helping her go.

she's clever, just like her brother. and i know she likes to take the easy way out. but i've told her princesses don't use diapers, and if she can stop having accidents, i'll buy her a crown. thankfully it's almost halloween, so i know i can find her one. and an outfit to go with it.

dress rehearsals

the summer is almost over. not by the calender, but by the standard of any family with young kids: school is starting. in fact, for my boys, it starts tomorrow.

that means that starting last week, we've been getting up early. and then earlier and earlier every day until today, when we got up as early as we will need to tomorrow. and we've been practicing not only getting up, but also getting ready. so today was a full dress rehearsal in getting to school on time.

and really, i've needed all this practice as much as the boys, because this year is going to be different. last year i was able to get the boys up and breakfasted and dressed. then i'd grab fish and we'd hop in the car and drive to the bus stop, wait for the bus, and then drive home. i never realized how easy it was that i really only had to worry about getting two people ready to go.

this year they're walkers. which means i can't really get them to their school in my pj's. or i could, but it's a long walk in slippers. it also means that i can't really leave fish in her pj's either, because i'm trying not to look like the trashy family that runs around in sloppy clothes with messy hair. i don't want to embarrass my boys so early into their new school careers, i'll have years for that.

this morning we got up, had breakfast, got dressed, and walked all the way to school. and we actually made it with time to spare! and, just to see how'd she do and how it would go, i let fish walk the whole way. she made it the whole way there and only wanted to be carried when we were 20 yards away from being home.

the boys thought it was great fun getting to walk. lumpy was even up and ready to go before bumble. or he would have been if he hadn't had a small melt down with his shoe laces being in knots. but both boys walked ahead and waited at the corners to cross with fish and i. and my dear littlest even held my hand most of the way.

still, it's the last official day of summer according to them, so i'm letting them take it easy. no work books or reading today, just games and cartoons. poor fish is happy with an easy day too, walking more than a mile just after breakfast has her laying on the couch, ready for a nap. hopefully tomorrow goes just as smoothly.

and it will, i'm sure. as long as it doesn't rain. because i don't think we have enough umbrellas for everybody.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me

everybody always told me that raising boys and girls would be different. but really, i never believed them. because they were also the people that really followed the gender lines hard and straight. i, on the other hand, was always fine if my boys wanted to have a tea party or if my girl wanted to play with monster trucks. if it's something that's safe and age appropriate, who is to say that it has to be only for boys or only for girls?

i hate how toys sections are divided up, with shelves in the "girl" section actually pink, filled with barbies and baby dolls and dress up clothes. i hate to say it, but my little fishie girl likes to play with all her brothers' old toys, "boy" toys, and i'm fine with it. she runs around the yard with them, using nerf guns to shoot monsters and aliens. they've helped set up their matchbox tracks and she likes to jump the cars with the best of them. and her dino roar is even better then bumble's. and on the other side of things, bumble has played with her baby dolls with her, showed her how to feed them with the plastic bottles and rock them to sleep.

i know i've said it before, but if playing makes a child happy, and it is safe and age appropriate, i don't care if it's something that comes in a pink or blue box. and it seems that a lot of people don't have a problem if it's girls playing with boy toys, somehow that's empowerment, but a boy playing with girl toys is strange and wrong.

double standards suck, and i hate that it's still part of the world my kids have to grow up in. i try to explain that just because somebody else says that it's wrong, it's not necessarily bad, and they shouldn't feel bad for their choices. i consider respect to be the most important quality to teach my kids, respect for themselves, respect for others, and especially respect for those that are different from them. i've already had a conversation with my boys about how sometimes people are different, they do different things and believe in different things, and respect doesn't mean changing our beliefs, but letting them believe what they want as long as they respect my boys also. and bumble, at least, has shown me that he gets it.

and i know there are those that don't agree with how i'm raising my kids. even people i know personally have told me that i'm making my boys "soft" by letting them play with the toys they want and the games they want. which makes me sad for my boys, because it's not fair to them. it's a fact that fish will have the freedom growing up to wear pants and play in the dirt like a boy, and most will think she's a tom-boy and leave it at that. but if my boys try to wear a skirt i know i would never hear the end of it.

i know i've gone off on a rant here. and it's not the first time i talked about gender roles and double standards on this blog. for fishie's first halloween, i dressed her as a dragon, because i have a thing for group costumes, and her brother's decided to be knights. you can read that post here. later, i was told i was it was wrong to dress her as a dragon, i should have dressed her as a princess because she is a girl. it makes me so sad to think that people think it's ok to say things like that to people. what right do they have to force their values on other people?

i know that not everybody agrees with me, and i don't expect them to. and if anyone has a problem with the things i say here, they need to understand that everything i write is my thoughts on my life, and it's my personal opinion. and they totally have the freedom to not read. i just really wish they would respect my right to raise my children in the way that i see fit.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

i love my kids, i really do. they are my world. honestly, that statement is more true than i'd like, sometimes. in the eyes of many, i am a stay at home mom and nothing else. so without my children beside me, what does that make me?

at the moment, i'm not sure what it makes me. every summer, we pack my boys off to spend a few weeks with my in-laws. they live up town, a few hours away, and though we usually visit at least once a month throughout the year, it's never enough time for everybody to do all the things they want to do. and so, when school lets out, and when cub scout camp is done, they go and visit without my hubby and i. and this year, fish went too.

it's great for them, because without me there, they don't really have to follow my rules. though it's funny to hear them talk on the phone, because i can tell the certain routines we've established that they still try to follow, the ones that don't work in any place but home. but they get to stay up late and drink sugary drinks and watch all sorts of tv shows they're not allowed to watch at home. but what my boys love is that they get to go fishing and camping and ride their atvs, all the outdoor stuff they love to do that, unfortunately, we get too busy to do at home sometimes. so for them, these weeks spent away are a great vacation.

they're great for me, too. there are so many things that i put off doing because i just wasn't able to get it done with all the kids and their little grabby fingers here. things that i bought to do all the way back in december, projects i'm finally able to tackle. and there are still boxes i'm unpacking, which just goes so much faster when you don't have to stop for drinks or diaper changes or to break up fights. these weeks are my one time off i get each year, the only time i get more than 24 hours without my kids, where i can be home and do work.

it's nice for me. it's something i look forward to. it's something i desperately need some times. people throw around a lot of terms about parenting, attachment and helicopter, the french method and the tiger moms, discipline styles and punishment types, and it all makes my head spin sometimes. the thing is, i don't really feel i have a choice in the way that i parent, though maybe i do and i'm just lazy and not creative enough to see it. the truth is that i am home with my kids all the time, and if we go anywhere, we go there all together. so if they need something, i know. and if they have an issue, i am there to deal with it right away instead of them trying to work things out on their own. and as far as fish is concerned, i am here for her, always here for her, so whether it's 7pm or 3am, she just walks over and gets my attention to try and get what she wants.

and it's hard, and it's exhausting. and it's especially difficult to get others to understand what it's like. because unless i sit and pretend i don't see them, they just keep bugging me and yelling and screaming until they get my attention. or if i do ignore them, any of them, and they get the hint to go off and do their own thing, five minutes later it usually gets worse. conflict resolution is not a strong point for any of my kids, but then they've never had a chance to practice it, because they always have me. and i have talked to doctors and such, and they've said that sometimes, especially with fish, sometimes it's not so much that she wants or needs, but rather she likes to watch me jump.

that's why these weeks away have been hard on her, especially in the beginning. she wanted to come home, and was screaming and crying and throwing fits. and my dear mother-in-law said she was fine, that she would tell hubby and i when it was enough and we needed to come and get our little girl. because though everybody up there loves her, they won't carry her or hold her or cuddle her like i do. which i know, at this age, i don't need to do, but sometimes it's just easier to stop what i'm doing and put everything away to hold her than to listen to her screaming for ten minutes.

though some said they can't understand why i don't miss all the kids and want to go get them. and i do miss them. but sometimes i miss the ability to sit and watch a movie without having to pause it ten times. or i miss being able to get projects done that i've been putting off simply because i wouldn't be able to focus on them. sometimes i miss reading all the books i have, the ones with lots of words and no picutres. mostly i miss getting to take more than a five minute shower. and sleeping in. and not having to share whatever it is that i'm eating, and actually enjoy my food.

i love being a mom. but i also love doing activities that don't define me as such. and i miss all my kids, and i know they miss me, but i also know this is good for all of us. we all need distance to grow, and time by ourselves to be who we are as ourselves and not just as an extension of somebody else.

fancy writing

with all the craziness of moving, one thing i've had to keep in the back of my mind is that we are not only moving houses, the boys are moving into a completely different school district. that, of course, is fun and exciting and terrifying for all involved.

my dear lumpy has the kind of personality that i know he'll do well in any new environment. he makes friends easily, but even when he doesn't, he's happy to do his own thing by himself. poor bumble is the exact opposite. he struggles sometimes to make friends, and if people don't instantly like him, then he thinks they must absolutely hate him and gets so upset. we are working with his "talking doctor" to help him understand what are realistic goals and positive things he can do. one bright note is that we've worked it out that they are staying with the same great group of kids in cub scouts, so i know both of them will at least have some friends.

one thing that makes the transition extra tough on bumble is that he, and his peers, are beginning to realize that he has some difficulties in school, which set him apart and make him "different." and sometimes kids can be mean, and they use other's differences to poke fun at them. so over the summer we are going to work very hard as a family to keep up his reading level. we're going to drill him on all the spelling words he's learned. his lovely speech therapist is sending home materials we can use to help him practice all those pesky letter combinations that give him so much trouble.

because both the boys are going to be working so hard over the summer (lumpy will be reading too), i asked if there was anything special they wanted to learn, something extra that relates to school. making and exploding volcanoes was top of the list, so i might break out the paper mache. we then started brain storming more reasonable ideas, and bumble settled on learning "fancy writing," which will not only be fun to learn, it'll help him with his fine motor skills.

by fancy writing i of course mean cursive. which i know is a dying skill. i remember being forced to learn it when i was in school and about my boys' age, but i'm not sure if they teach it anymore. i know both my boys have access to computers and are learn those basic skills, but cursive writing seems to fall under the art category, and it's a useless one.

i still writing in cursive all the time. in fact, if i'm not typing, i'm writing in cursive. bumble used to say we had the fanciest grocery lists ever, and i helped him to read the curly letters so he could help get things into the cart. it might seem strange, but even a simple note to my hubby i write in cursive, somehow it seems faster for me to write like that. if i feel the need to print, like when i send notes in to school, i slow down and take my time and do my best to make it readable.

bumble was so interested in cursive, he taught himself to write his own name from a chart at the back of his planner. he has a little trouble getting the "s" quite right, but then, he has the same trouble when printing.

so this summer, i plan on trying to teach him to write cursive. it'll be fun and good practice. i know it's not exactly a practical skill, but it's something he's interested in learning, and if he masters it this summer i'm hoping it will give him confidence in his regular writing.

green marshmallow fluff

lately, things have been very strange. new and strange things happening, with no real explanation. the normal day to day seems to cause more stress than usual. people acting not like themselves. it's all thrown me for a loop.

and i don't like loops. i get motion-sick. like for real. hence why i will never see a 3-D movie, i have enough troubles with my tummy doing flip flops watching regular movies.

anyway, the point i was trying to get at is that there seems to be a new normal going on. and change is scary. and confusing. like, all of a sudden, i now like pineapple. i know, it's like the world's gone bonkers and somebody forgot to tell me.

pineapple and i have a long and storied past. not really, it's just i've never been a fan. and it's funny, because there is something common each of my sisters and i, who will eat almost anything, don't like. for me, it was always pineapple. for my youngest sister, it is the combination of chocolate and peanut butter. and for my middle sister, it is coconut. normal things we just don't like, even though we'll all happily the strangest ethnic cuisine.

since i've had kids, though, my dear hubby and i have a policy that we want the kids to at least try a food before they say they don't like. it's fine if they refuse after they've given it a go, but a flat out refusal is not acceptable. which also means, to set a good example, he and i have to eat a little bit of everything. and how i love him for trying some of my kitchen experiments. casseroles might not be pretty, but they can still taste good!

so yes, the point i was getting at was that i now like pineapple. sometimes. when it's mixed with or eaten with other things. and if it's cold, because just the smell of hot pineapple turns my stomach, so i don't care how awesome you tell me grilled pineapple or sweet and sour chicken is.

this new attitude toward pineapple really started a few weeks before easter. i was looking around at different dessert recipes, as i'm want to do, and i noticed one for watergate salad. easy and simple and just a few ingredients, one of which was a can of crushed pineapple. i'm not sure why it stuck in my head. maybe because it also has mini marshmallows, which i love. or maybe it's because it's green color comes from pistachio pudding, which i also love. plus it has cool whip and chopped pecans, both good things. and really, that's it, the whole recipe. measure everything out and mix it in one big bowl. store in the fridge and enjoy.

so, during easter, i made a pineapple upside down cake, which normally i wouldn't eat. but i tried a piece. and it was good. which got me thinking about watergate salad again. and so i finally broke down and made some. and it is good. very good. light and fluffy and creamy. and even though you can tell there's pineapple in it, it still makes me happy. i could probably eat the whole container myself, which isn't so bad considering i bought the sugar-free versions of all the ingredients.

i let the boys try it, and bumble thought it was good also. because of the marshmallows and the consistency, he called it green marshmallow fluff, which i think is a more descriptive name than watergate. i let lumpy try it also, but he couldn't get over the texture of it. dear fish wouldn't even try it, but i picked out some of the marshmallows to feed her, which she happily ate. my husband and my mother both said it reminds them of ambrosia, which i suppose is true.

so all in all, it's good. and i like it. even if it does have pineapple in it. i guess it's just a new normal for me.

high comedy

people have told me that having a girl would be very different after having boys. and i have to admit, it's not as different as you'd think.

as babies, there's still naps and diaper changes and crying for no reason and all those sleepless nights, whether a boy or a girl. as a toddler, it's been no different. and so far, my dear fish acts just like her brothers when they were her age. she gets into everything, and throws tantrums when she can't. she tries to communicate, and gets upset when she's not understood. she's amazed and amused by the simplest things.

fish is just like any other toddler. she does all the same toddler things, and still, she's her own little person with her own identity. she tries to tell knock knock jokes, she likes to pretend she's a cat, and she loves telling what sounds animals make. just like lumpy was the same and different than bumble, fishie is a unique kid.

and yet, there is one way that my kids are exactly the same. and it's one way that drives my dear hubby nuts. they are all obsessed with body humor.

the boys have finally begun to understand that there are certain bodily functions that everyone does, but we don't need to make a big deal about it. and we should say "excuse me" after. and we certainly don't talk about it at the dinner table. unless their dad isn't home, and it's just us, then all bets are off.

and fish thinks these processes are hilarious. to be exact, she'll pass gas and then yell "i toot, i toot. it stinky!" and of course it's followed by much laughter. certain people in our family can't wait until she's old enough to start pulling people's fingers.

why yes, i am raising a proper lady, just like her brothers are perfect gentlemen. sometimes.

falling through the cracks

maybe i've mentioned it once or twice, most notably here, but bumble gets a lot of help in school. which is normally a good thing. he needs the extra help to keep up with the other kids. we do as much as we can at home, but after an hour or more of homework, he gets kind of burnt out after school.

he sees a speech therapist and an occupational therapist for his writing and he's part of a special reading group. and every six months we go over his IEP (individualized educational program), so everybody stays on the same page with what help he needs and the progress he's making and how we might need to change things. and at the meetings i get these lovely 30-some page reports, so i can see how he's doing and what i could change at home so i know i'm also doing my part.

and the program isn't what i have a problem with. and all of his teachers and aides are lovely ladies who do their best to make sure he can do his best. the problem i have is that the school day is only so long and i think there has to be a better way to execute it. as it stands, bumble gets pulled out of class to get the extra help he needs.

normally, that's not a problem. there's chunks of the day where bumble's class does independent work, and for him to miss that stuff isn't a big deal in my mind. it's when they are doing important things, or are going to be doing important things, and he gets pulled out and misses them. and i know, it might be the only time his specialist is available to work with him, and overlaps can happen. but if they do happen, and he misses something, it would be nice if he had the chance to make it up.

specifically, and what has me upset at the moment, is that last thursday bumble was supposed to take his spelling test. spelling is one of the subjects he really struggles with, and he worked very hard to study all his words for his test. then, on thursday, he was pulled out of class to work on his writing, so he missed taking his test. i know this because i asked him how he did on his test when he got home from school and he told me he didn't take it. i figured that his class and his teacher might have been busy the rest of the day, and he would make it up on friday. but he didn't take it friday. he didn't take it yesterday either.

he was probably very happy about missing his spelling test, but it's one of the things he gets graded on, it's something that determines how he does on his report card and how he's doing in other areas of study. i wasn't happy that he missed his test, but i was very upset that his teacher didn't let him make it up for two days. so i wrote a note to her today asking about it. because it's not his fault that he missed the test, and it's not his fault that he didn't have a chance to make it up. i know he has a tricky schedule, but we're all supposed to be working together to help him, and i think missing tests is unacceptable.

bumble has enough trouble in school, and the extra assistance he gets is supposed to help him get ahead. i was always worried about how often he would get pulled out of his regular class and all the things he might be missing because of it. and i know there's no good block of time that he can miss, unless they force him to skip recess or lunch. he's doing his best and trying as hard as he can to keep up and to meet the levels he's supposed to. it's just a shame when somebody else drops the ball.

why my boys are more awesome than your's

yesterday, it was very nice out. it has been unseasonably nice for a few weeks now. not that i'm really complaining. ok, so i will complain a bit, i do not like summer. the only good thing that comes in summer is my birthday, and that's months away. this weather is not fun. if it was just cool enough to wear jeans and a tee shirt all the time, i would be a happy happy girl. but it's not, it's basically shorts weather. which sucks because i'm a girl and either i have to shave or look like a deranged wookie. and because i love my hubby, i shave. or just wear pants and complain about the heat.

but this post isn't about how i'm jealous of boys and how it's totally acceptable for them to look like mountain men, this post is about my boys.

so yesterday, being so lovely out, i made them put on shorts (because they're boys and have no hang-ups about such things) and go outside and play before dinner while it was still nice. i also went out with fishie, because she likes to play outside. more accurately, true to being her mother's daughter, she likes to roll around in the dirt and damp grass until she makes mud.

while i was chasing fish, i happened upon my boys sitting next to each other on the swing in the yard. and it was idyllic , because i was behind them, and could only see the tops of their heads and their feet kicking back and forth.

and then one of them said "we'll be bros forever."

and then other answered "we'll be bros for life!"

and i honestly believe, with whatever might happen as they grow, they will be bros. friends can come and go, but family is forever.

winter camp

this weekend was filled with fun and things and stuff and busy-ness. the boys and i went to winter camp with the cub scouts, a first for lumpy and i. if nothing else, i know he had a great time. the one dark patch was that i didn't think to bring sunscreen, and it was so lovely over the weekend, i ended up getting sunburned. still, all in all, my boys did very well and we are very proud of them.

it was nice, at least as far as bumble is concerned, to get to stand back and watch him interact with kids i've mostly just heard about and see how he did. sometimes he tells me how things go, and i've learned not to always take him literally. he's with a good group of kids, and watching them all play made me realize how good it is for him to interact with them in a more controlled environment then what he gets when he's at school with no parents around. my hubby is the one that was with him last year, so i missed out on most of the fun, but this year i got to go through it with lumpy.

and dear lumpy was his usual fun self. he had a blast, and for him it was doubly fun, because his den and his brother's den were together, so it was a huge group of kids he knows and already played with. there were times where he got all hyped up, and i could hear him rambling on and on, but everybody was very nice about it.

the other interesting thing for me was that i was finally able to really put names and faces together with the parents of the kids in bumble's den. it's very strange, sometimes, when they all know me through things my hubby and bumbles has said, but we've never been introduced so i really didn't know who they were. and with my hubby not being one for taking pictures, it's sometimes hard to remember who is who when they've only been pointed out in a crowd. and with me being so bad with names, it really made things tough.

so overall, it was a fun time. still, i think it's more something i can check off my list then look forward to. for me, there's too much else involved in the background that gets in the way of enjoying it. but i know it's important, and i will probably go again next year if the boys are split up into different cabins. it was nice they were together this year because my hubby wasn't able to make it the whole time and i was able to stay with both of them. besides, there are very few things that lumpy is actually willing to do with me, his not so cool parent that doesn't go quad riding or fishing or play football with him, so i know i need to cherish this time with him. eventually he'll get older and want to do things on his own and not have him lame mom following him around. even if he'll always be my baby boy.