guilt and shame and selfishness and motherhood

i could write pages and pages on guilt and shame. i feel guilty over everything, whether it was my fault, whether it was beyond my control or not, whether i even actually did anything or not. and when my anxiety flares up so much that i am frozen in place and can't actually do anything, then i remember things that i did in my past to feel guilty about, or i feel guilty about all the terrible thoughts running through my head, even when i don't act on them or share them with anybody else.

and the shame, oh the shame. i feel shame for feeling guilty about all the things that i know in my rational mind i shouldn't feel guilty about. i feel shame about who i am on the most basic level, so much some days that i can barely function. and so starts the cycle over again.

now, if i had another life, i don't know if i would still feel like this all the time, if i would always find some crazy, not my fault, thing to feel guilty about, but i am a mother, a job with guilty built right in. any failing on my children's part i take as my personal failing, and so i feel guilty for it. every time i failed to protect them (even if i tried and they didn't listen), i feel guilty. all the times that i feel like i should be doing something with them, something more helpful or enriching or pinterest inspired perfect, and i'm not, i feel guilty.

and then comes the shame of feeling that i've failed them. or that i can't be the mom that they deserve. or that if i was somehow magically better or different or not me, they'd all have the perfect life. and so i feel ashamed of just being me, even if that's all i can be.

this is all to say that, because of all my shame and guilt and random feeling bad for not being enough, i don't take much for myself. like ever. even the times i actually need a break from them, some time away to recharge, or really need to buy myself things to replace falling apart shoes or clothes worn through, i don't. i feel like i have such little time to give them, with taking care of this home and running the household and trying to find time to spend with each of them individually, that i don't have any time left over to take for myself. (unless i forgo sleep, but running days on little sleep with no way to catch up doesn't make things better.) and i don't go out and buy things for myself, even when my hubby says i should, because for every shirt i pick out for me, i think of all the other things i could be doing with that money. i know kids want things, they are kids and they want all the things, but as their mom i want to try to give them all the things that i can.

and so most days it all comes down to the fact that i feel guilty for not giving them everything i think they deserve and in the same breath feeling guilty for not taking better care of myself so i can take better care of them. i know i need to be selfish, but taking time to relax and then feeling guilty the whole time isn't terribly relaxing. i'm still striving to find a balance, something that works for everyone that i can feel good about. some days i feel closer to it than others, and i think i'll know when i achieve it. i've been a mommy for almost 12 years, maybe in another 12 i'll find it.

sring break

my boys are on spring break right now. it boggles my mind that they have such a thing. everyone else i know with kids in other districts near and far don't have to deal with this, the trecherous evil of the school board to give kids a vacation with a weekend filled with sugar and candy smack in the middle of it.

last week was a short week for them. it snowed monday, and though they could have handled a two hour delay, the school closed and the boys had off. then on thursday, the "start" of break, they only had a half day. it still counts as a full day of school, but really it's a day to rush through a little bit of work and then let the kids play "educational" games. not that i'm really complaining about them playing those kinds of games in school. lumpy needs more practice playing games with peers, unfortunately he's sometimes lacking in the good sportsmanship department. and it's not he's really a sore winner or loser, it's that sometimes people want to modify the rules to make things more fair or run smoother, and he freaks out. lumpy is a stickler for following rules to the letter, and working any loophole made by them.

well on thursday, i picked the boys up from school, and bumble came home with easter candy, so i can only imagine how much work was done if they stopped to hand out candy to all the kids. it is at that point i realized this break would be sugar-fueled craziness.

they then had off on friday, and they don't go back to school until this thursday, so it's almost a week off. and it really doesn't help that we had an easter dinner with my moms on saturday, and then with my dad on sunday, at both of which they got more candy. and of course, the easter bunny had to stop at our house sunday morning. though the easter bunny here was clever and left a handful of candy and a nice toy instead of a basket full of sugar.

still, it's been sugar overload. everyday, a few times a day, they have a piece or two of candy. i'm trying to be reasonable, and we're talking about appropriate serving sizes together so they understand, but still, that kind of constant sugar buzz is something they're not used to. and i know there have been studies done that say sugar doesn't wind up kids, and that might technically be true, because the amount of sugar they're eating is not what is calling their craziness. it's the fact that they're eating any sugar, because they're not used to it, that winds my kids up so. it's the treats, and then going out and doing things, it's all the over stimulation. all three of them have been bouncing off the walls at different times, and then dropping down in a crash when they don't get what they want.

unfortunately, my boys need the structure of school to help them hold their emotions in, and i just don't have the time and energy to keep a constant super schedule going at home. especially at this point, where everybody is bouncing around like rabid monkeys, i'm lucky to keep everything from falling into total chaos. i believe all of us are secretly, or not so secretly, counting down the days until school starts again. and already, i shudder to think what summer will hold.

cherishing mementos vs. hoarding stuff

at the moment, i am spring cleaning and organizing closets, and i remembered i had this and never posted it. i wrote it last june, when we were moving into the house we're in now. i am still no better about not holding onto things for reason only worthwhile to me...

are you tired of hearing about my moving adventures? yeah, i'm kind of tired of talking about them too. but, the fact is that it is the all consuming entity of my life right now. and, if i don't talk about it nicely like this, i'll probably just start randomly screaming on street corners, holding up signs that say "no more cardboard!" made out of cardboard, of course. because when you're yelling on street corners, it helps to get your point across if you look extra crazy.

my point of this post is that i have lots of stuff. too much stuff by some people's reckoning. but i'm trying to get better about all the random crap i keep. there have been boxes of things that haven't moved into the new house, they went straight to the dump or the donation pile. and there have been boxes that i've opened, and instead of trying to find homes of all contained there-in, i have gotten one of our lovely contractor bags (the 70 gallon kind designed to hold bodies), and filled it with all manner of stuffs.

and sometimes, the boxes are filled with things that i just look at and wonder why they got packed in the first place. those are the easy boxes to deal with, because there's no attatchment to them. it's the other boxes that are harder to figure out. ones that are filled with things that i don't really want, but feel like i need in some way. or it's filled with things that are still perfectly good and in working order, but nobody else wants, so i feel like i need to hold onto it, just in case.

just in case is kind of my downfall. that phrase is what does me in. because there have been boxes filled with old books or toys, or perhaps my wedding decorations from years ago, perfectly fine things that could totally be reused, but nobody else wants. so i think about getting rid of that stuff. and then, of course, i think that maybe tomorrow i'll need it, absolutely have to have it, so i should hold onto it. mind you, i haven't needed any of it in years and years, but tomorrow may be different! i made suddenly need to decorate my yard with frilly paper streamers, or absolutely have to set up a tea party for 20 stuffed bears, whose origins i no longer remember. so i have this burning desire to hold onto things, just in case.

that feeling is honestly easier to overcome than the other side of my problem. because i've become rational enough to understand that if i haven't used it in more than three years, or even gotten it out of the box it's stored in for more than three years, chances are i'm not going to need it. and if some random and crazy "just in case" moment comes up that i absolutely need it, i will go and buy a new version. because the truth is, in real today money, none of it is terribly expensive to replace.

the other side of things are the boxes filled with stuff that i deem irreplaceable. stuff that isn't worth anything to anybody else, but that i feel i must hold onto, lest i forget. they are boxes filled with physical memories. and yet, i'm getting to the point where i realize i don't need to save everything. still, it's very hard to figure out what is worth saving for all of time, and what are things i can let go of. because this is really where my problem lies, i want to save everything, and given the space, i know that i would.

ok, so honestly, my problem is that, even though i don't have the space, i try to save everything. like my closet is filled more with stuff i want to hold onto then clothes for me to wear. and the crazy part is, i am perfectly fine going through my clothes and getting rid of the things i don't use, so that i just enough "nice" outfits to get me through maybe a week.

and i can step back and realize that there is something slightly twisted in that viewpoint. but it's really very hard to get rid of the things you can never replace. like the boxes of drawings and art the boys made me, i have a box for every year that they were in school, starting in preschool. i've also saved all their writing and test and report cards. not that i know what i'll ever do with any of it, because i have a funny feeling they'll never want it. i also, for about twenty years, saved every card, birthday or thank you or congratulations, i ever got. i realized it was a silly thing to do, to save every card, so i stopped, but i still have a whole box from when i was still saving that i just can't bring myself to get rid of. and of course there are my notebooks. two boxes worth. most of them are a testament to my craziness. i finally was able to get rid of a box of disks; 20, filled to capacity with randomness, 3.5 inch diskettes to be precise, and the only real reason i was ok with getting rid of them was because i couldn't find the program i needed to open them anymore.

harder still to part with, but easier to rationalize why i keep them, are all the bits and broken things from all the people i'll never see again. i have a jewelry box filled with odds and ends of broken necklaces and bracelets, many from my grandmother who died years ago, some from friends i'll never see again. the hat from the hospital nursery, and pictures and scribbles and other things, all from my dear niece we lost too soon. and then there is the most random box, with a license plate and an old copy of macbeth and all the bits from high school physics projects and all the photos i took and some i stole from photo albums, all the things that remind me of my brother. and so many other random things from all the people i've lost and are gone forever.

so yes, i suppose that's why i really save all that i do. because i'm afraid to forget. memories are not something i can rely on. they twist and confuse me. my mind plays tricks on me. it's really the part of me that i know is not quite right, the part that can't keep the past straight. but with physical things, it's easier to hold them and remember what really happened.

please, help and donate

i keep reading posts and articles written by those affected in new york and new jersey by hurricane sandy, and my heart just breaks for them. i remember what it was like to be evacuated, and not allowed home. and then getting back when the water finally goes down, and surveying the damage, when everything smells like sewage and diesel fuel. and realizing how absolutely lucky you were that most of your stuff stayed dry while your neighbors lost their home. and how grateful you were that you had people to help get you back on your feet and a warm, safe, dry place your whole family could call home. also, how hard it is to explain to your kids that sometimes bad things happen in this world, and all we can do is prepare the best we can for the hard times and hope that it's enough.

it's novemeber already, and that is most absolute favorite time of year. and with it comes thanksgiving, which i consider the best holiday of all. but i also realize how hard that will be this year for those hardest hit but this natural disaster. thanksgiving is a time to get together with friends and family, and talk about how grateful you are for all the blessing of the past year. and how does one do that when they don't have a place to gather, and they aren't feeling particularly blessed?

this is the time when we all need to come together, no matter who and what we believe. as a society, we the people need to come together to support each other. we can take small steps and perform little acts of kindness with our own hands for those that need it most. and so, this rambling post is my plea for those that can to donate if they're able. here is the red cross's site, though there are others that are also doing good works.

i know i should just stop reading all the terrible shock-style news articles, but i can't. it's like a scab i like to pick at, one that still hasn't quite healed. before and during sandy, my kids were understandably upset, and i tried to explain to them that we would get through it all together, just like before. and then the storm passed us, and it was nothing. but it's not always so easy for life to return to normal. i still remember (an older post about what i went through with tropical storm lee).

and then there were two

so here's a true fact: kids like animals. seriously, there is at least one animal that every child thinks is the coolest thing ever. and that is why kids like pets. and want pets. sometimes unreasonable pets.

this love affair with animals always starts out innocently enough. a fun little game to play with the very young is "what sound does a cow make?" and then the child says "moo" and everybody gets excited. and then you go through all the barnyard animals you can think of, because so many little ones have stuffed animals or pictures books with cows and pigs and chickens and horses. my kids always cracked up when they got to make turkey sounds. then you move on to not so common animal sounds, like rabbits and fish (seriously, my kids played this game on difficult). or, my favorite, the wild animals. because after monkeys and wolves, lions and tigers and bears all say roar. as do all dinosaurs, which is fish's current favorite.

anyway, after learning about all the different sounds animals make, then next step was to let them see all the animals in real life. which meant trips to zoos and aquariums. and of course, there was always the petting zoo area set up at community fun fairs. that was when things would go down hill, because after seeing and cuddling real live animals, then question became, can we get one?

and no, no you can not. because we are not farmers, i would have to endure the crushed look on my children's faces when i told them we were not going to raise goats or sheep or chickens. or even rabbits, the fluffiest traitors of all. conspiring with my kids to convince me to get them a pet, with big eyes and a fluffy butt.

not that i really have a problem with pets in general. just pets that we own. i am not really a pet person. i like cats very much, and have owned a number of them. but things always go wrong, and we have to get rid of them for one reason or another. i really am not big on dogs, but we've even owned a dog. things with her went very wrong, through no fault of our own, and she had to go too. taking care of pets is lots of work, and it always ends up on me, and lately, i'm just too busy to bother with it.

and so, this great desire of my children for a pet is met with the great compromise: a fish. because fish are easy, and most of all cheap. and though mammals were never able to last in our home, goldfish were another story.

until now, it seems.

we had gotten fish, and then they'd die, so we'd replace them, and the cycle would continue. my boys would name them and claim them as their own, but never get so attached that losing one was a traumatic experience. and then, four years ago, we got another tank worth of fish, and most didn't last. except for rocky. he lived with us for a long time, and even survived the move to my moms', where, instead of set up a tank inside, we dumped all the fish we had into her outside pond. and then it started getting colder, and we were worried that rocky wouldn't survive the winter, as he is a tank fish and not a pond fish. the rest we didn't care about, but rocky is huge with white and gold and black markings, so he was always easy to spot. so we took him, and a few friends, out of the pond and put him into a tank. and now that we are well established in our new home, we brought the tank, and rocky, with us.

unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be doing well. there was, at one time at my moms' house, seven fish in the tank. when we moved it over here, there were only three left. now, the two little pond fish are swimming around just fine, but poor rocky is bobbing around more than he is swimming. there are times that he swims, and i watched him eat, but i don't honestly think he's going to make it.

the saddest part, though, is that we brought the tank and the fish and set everything up while the kids are out of town, so they would be surprised when they got back. hopefully they'll be ok with the surprise of a tank of all new fish and no rocky. because i don't think i can afford to replace an eight inch multicolored fish and call him rocky II.

oh my oven, why have you forsaken me?

so i talk about baking around here a bit. or a lot. but i love sugar and butter and flour. and mixing it together makes everything better.

seriously, mixing flour and butter and sugar, spices and chocolate, nuts and oatmeal and extracts of flavors, this was my happy time and my kitchen was my happy place. i know baking from scratch is a source of stress for some, but it was stress relief for me. it was something that was exacting and precise, a tested recipe was something i could count on, something that would never let me down.

and then we moved and things got busy with the packing and the unpacking and just life in general. and i wasn't able to bake anything for a while. but then i was here, in my new house, and all my old friends, my pans and spoons and measuring cups that i had missed for so long, they found their new place in drawers and on shelves, just waiting for me to use them. and so i did. i made a cake.

and it was good. it was a new recipe i hadn't tried before, so when the timing was a little off, i didn't think much of it. and i baked some stuff for dinner, just following the recipe on the bag or box, and things came out ok.

and then i made chocolate chip cookies. and things were not ok.

a small aside: the recipe i use for my chocolate chip cookies is the same recipe i've used for years. i have literally used it close to one hundred times, probably making thousands of cookies. it is one of my favorite recipes, one i have memorized, one i could make in my sleep.

and so, when this recipe, the recipe that is like my oldest and dearest friend, lets me down, i know there is something wrong. and that something wrong i am beginning to think is my oven.

now the crazy thing is this oven in my new place is the one that came out of my old place. and it's one we bought not too many years ago. it served me well in my old house, and i really did use it every day. then it sat in my moms' garage for many months until we found our new home, where it was soon installed. but now it's just not the same.

things are baking too fast, not burning because i'm trying to be careful, but definitely getting overdone. so i don't know if it's getting too hot now or if it wasn't getting hot enough before. (full discloser, we lived in a pretty crappy place before, and even though it was plugged into the correct outlet, i wouldn't be surprised it wasn't getting enough juice) so i'm trying to get used to my oven all over again, like it's brand new. it just means that all my dependable recipes aren't so dependable anymore. and what used to be a calming, stress-free activity is now something i have to think about and pay attention to. and it's not like i don't already have enough of things i have to pay attention to.

a new beginning... again part II

i did it again. and i kept telling myself i wouldn't do it again. i went and disappeared for weeks and left my poor little corner of the interwebs all sad and lonely.

but i had a good reason. or i have a good excuse. or maybe it's a lame excuse, but it's totally true, so that's got to count for something, right?

so see, what happened is this: we moved. seriously. except that anybody that's been reading along with my rambling for the past couple of posts would know that. moving was a very slow process for us. we moved some stuff, and fixed some stuff, and then moved some more stuff. and then it got to the point where almost all our stuff was in the new place, which of course meant unpacking and organizing. which fell squarely on my shoulders.

not that my dear husband didn't try to help, but really it's not stuff he knows where to put because it's not stuff he uses. half of it was probably stuff he was wondering why we had in the first place. though i did get a little upset with him by saying everything that wasn't his or the kids was automatically mine. seriously? because i don't think the bath towels or the glasses we drink out of or broom are solely mine, it just so happens that as the one that is home the most, i am the one that uses that stuff the most, so i'm the one that needs to know where it's new place is in the new house.

anyway, unpacking and organizing was a long process. a process that is technically not quite done yet. but still, it's something i hate doing. it is on my long list of panic inducing activities. so i had to take things slowly to avoid freaking out. because besides setting up the new house, i also had to feed and cloth and diaper all the random little people that also inhabit this space, and i can't do that effectively while sitting in a corner breathing into a paper bag.

so, when i wasn't taking things out of boxes and shoving them in closets, or making more koolaid for the millionth time that day, i was mindlessly surfing around, looking at stupid memes mostly, trying to avoid thinking about anything serious. which also meant i was neglecting to follow along with all the blogs i normally keep up with. not that i read particularly serious stuff, but it sometimes gets to the point where keeping up with all the new content is more work than fun. and i had enough work in my life at the moment. so i stopped reading.

and because i stopped reading, i stopped tweeting, because those activities go hand in hand for me. most of the people i follow are authors of blogs i also follow. and it's one way i interact with those that follow me. but if i wasn't reading new post, i didn't have much to tweet about.

also, because i wasn't reading and i wasn't tweeting, i wasn't really inspired to write. so nothing here. which just turns into a vicious cycle of nothingness. but when you're in the mindset that can't handle anything more stressful than a lolcat, the nothingness makes perfect sense. at least to me.

so there you have it, the "why" for the lack of anything new here.

but wait, you might say, this is new, right? a sign of better times perhaps? and all i can say is i hope so. things have settled down. and hopefully i'll be able to get into some sort of summer time routine, and that will also help to make things go more smoothly. until then, i hope to take things one day at a time, because really, that's all a sane person can do. and i like to pretend i'm mostly sane.

thoughts on moving

so have i mentioned that we got our own house? maybe once or twice. and you really might have noticed something if you follow me on twitter. have i also mentioned that we are not officially moving in until the beginning of june, so the boys can finish out the school year? yeah, i might have talked about that to a few people also. though i'm sure the fact that most of our stuff is already there might have come up in conversation a few times too.

are you sick of hearing about me talk about our new house? well, unfortunately for you, it's the all consuming entity in my life right now, so it's all i've got to discuss. i'm hoping to get back to the regular stream of sugar fueled craziness soon, so sit tight.

anyway, as far as moving goes, every other time we've moved to a new place, it was a rush to pack and unpack. actually, it was a slow build up of boxes, ones that i carefully packed and organized and labelled. and then, if i wasn't done by moving day, my dear hubby (read with sarcasm), would come through the house with giant trash bags, and everything not in boxes went into bags and got thrown on the moving truck. then, when we got to where ever we were moving to, the bags were unloaded and left in a pile in the biggest room in the house, usually the living room. and when i say whatever wasn't in boxes i don't just mean throw pillows, once my pots and pans ended up in a trash bag. books, toys, clothes, whatever needed to go and wasn't breakable. and nothing was ever labelled. yeah, those were good times.

this time is different, for a multitude of reasons. the biggest of which is most of the stuff has been packed for months, and just sitting in make-shift storage. and when all of that was packed, i tried to make sure the boxes were at least labelled with where things came from, like the book shelf in the boys' room or my closet. my mother and sister actually came and carefully packed up my kitchen stuff, the only down side to that was i would have liked to wash the dust off of things before they went into boxes, i just wasn't able to. yeah, add broken water lines to the long list of reasons why we left instead of fixing everything in the old place.

so though i didn't get to see most of my stuff for a very long time, it was all boxed away and sat in piles waiting for moving day. and on moving day, almost everything was easily loaded into the truck and carried into the house. one exception was our giant couch, which was heavy and bulky and really not fun carrying up stairs. but it's in my living room now, so i'm happy.

and my kitchen is put away. and most things are sorted out and sitting in the rooms they'll eventually be living in. at this point, i'm just waiting for help to anchor bookshelves to the walls before i start unpacking everything. and soon comes packing up everything that's not in boxes, all the things we're using day to day. like clothes and pillows. things that i can get my dear hubby to help me pack. things that can easily move in trash bags.

the kitchen is the heart

i know i haven't written or posted anything in a very long while. and this is an update/ramble/explanation of things. if you hadn't figured it out before, it's because we finally got the house we were hoping and trying and waiting for.

there were many glitches in getting it, and none were our fault. so of course it was especially frustrating. tempers flared, words were said, tears of sadness and frustration were shed. and, miracle of miracles, we got through it, mostly in tact. and now we are home owners. or will be, in about 30 years.

then came the fixing up the things that needed fixing before all the big furniture stuff was to be moved. and commence the yelling and anger and frustration. but through blood sweat and tears, we got it done. and this past saturday we moved almost everything in. and yesterday i was there again, just me and fishie, and while she played with her doll house (that she got for christmas and we were finally able to open), i put everything in my kitchen away. except for one box of stuff that used to live in drawers. but then i used to have six drawers and now only have two, so i have to find new homes for things.

and the boys' room is set and ready. and our room is set and ready. and the bathrooms are mostly ready. this weekend, my mom is going to help put the boarder on fish's walls and then we can get her room ready for her. and the kitchen is mostly done and the table is put together, i just need some help with the chairs. so dear hubby and i need to work on getting the basement/playroom ready for the boys and their toys. and we also need to arrange the living room stuff and get those boxes unpacked. and the bookshelves need to be set up.

so yes, things are looking better. it's looking more and more like a place we can live in and not a storage area for a thrift shop. though we still have time to get things set, because we aren't "officially" moving in until the beginning of june. we'll be in a different school district, and i'm letting the boys finish out their year instead of pulling them out with just a few weeks left.

i tried to write something of all this yesterday morning, and i have to say the feel of that post was very different. there are things that happened during this whole process that i don't want to talk about. and there are things that i know better than to talk about, along the lines of leaving sleeping dogs lie and all that. but still i wanted to update everybody as to the status of things. and i wanted to post at least something, because i didn't want to let things lapse like i had before. now that my kitchen is my kitchen, filled with all of my stuff, i feel more like my house is my own. and so i'm in a better frame of mind, i have a more hopeful outlook, that things are going well and everything will be ok again.

the bedrooms might be where we sleep and recharge, they're where we dreams and think and wonder and hope. and the living room is where we spend our time together, bonding with games and movies and music, impromptu wrestling matches and dance parties. but the kitchen, at least for me, is the most important room in the any house. it's where i feed my family, body and soul, and to me it's the comforting, comfortable place. the bedroom may be the head, and the living room the fun, but the kitchen is the heart. and after so many months, i finally have one i can truly call my own again.

a quick note

this is just a note to say that i am freaking out. like totally and completely. and i probably won't be writing or posting much here this week.

things are happening in my life, big things. tremendously huge things. things that have my head spinning. good and amazing and wonderful things. things that will change everything.

i am, of course, talking about a house. my house. my soon-to-be my house. all the months of stress and worry are almost done. almost. but still, we must get through this final push of things-to-do.

and until it's all over, i don't think i'll be clearheaded enough to write anything close to coherent. though i do see a lot of "feel better" baking in my very near future.

and so, this is a note and a placeholder and a hope that you stop by to visit again when things are back to their regular level of crazy. until then, send me wishes and luck and happy thoughts that we can get through this a painlessly as possible with most of our sanity intact.

trying to get my head in the game

so easter is over. it's been over since sunday, technically. and yet, i can't seem to get back into gear. i know i need to start focusing on the day to day. and i'm trying. we didn't miss the bus this morning, just almost missed it. and i'm even doing laundry right now.

and yet, i have so much going on in my head and in my life, i'm paralyzed and overwhelmed by it all. i am at the point where i'm afraid something is going to fall through the cracks. and being that somehow i'm the one in charge, it's left to me to make sure everything is running smoothly. so homework and cleaning and cooking and shopping, those are everyday things i can't forget or keep putting off.

plans for the house need to be made too. so i'm trying to focus on all the things we'll need to get, and trying to remember all the things we already have. also, i'm trying to figure out the things that will need to be fixed and cleaned before we move in, and the things that we can let go until later. and i'm trying to set up dates to get things done by. like when we close, and when we can get the floor fixed by (the one main thing to do), and when we can move furniture in. and i'm also trying to line up people to help, with the floor and hanging curtains and carrying dressers up three flights of stairs. the hardest thing is that there is so much still unknown about the whole process. so i need to make plans, but i need to remain flexible, and i'm not so good at that.

the other part i'm focusing on is that we have a lot of stuff going on in the next couple of weeks and months. there's stuff with scouts and weddings and graduations, and the boys are in school until june. and then i'm also trying to line up our summer plans, where we need to be when, so i don't try to schedule too much for one day. and i know there are doctor and dentist appointments in there somewhere.

i know this is just all the ups and downs and ins and outs of life and of mommyhood. and one would think i would be used to it by now. but the house is a new stress. and hubby going back to school is something i'm still trying to deal with. and maybe i just need to realize that the world won't stop if i drop a ball here or there. things will go on. and i know i have enough practice picking up fallen pieces and putting it all back together and moving on to the next challenge. experience yes, but that doesn't mean i like it.

a jumbled mess

some days, i just don't know.

i don't know what i'm thinking, i don't know what i'm talking about, i don't know what to talk about.

everything is jumbled, and there's no way to straighten it all out.

hubby and i are buying a house. like right now, at this very moment, we are going through the process. and this process involves getting any and all information and papers required as quickly as possible. because we are on a very strict timeline, and if anything goes wrong, we don't want it to be because of us. so we're doing our best to get everything we need. really, though, it's mostly out of our hands, and there's not much we can do to help the process along. but in one month's time, we will have signed our lives away in exchange for keys to a place we can call our own.

during this whole process, though, we're also talking about everything we will need. really, we have everything from our old house that we can put in our new house. all of it is just in boxes and piles in various places. most of it was never unpacked, so throwing it on a truck to take it to the new place should be easy. still, there are odds and ends that we will need, like curtains and floor rugs. and whether we want to paint. and how we're going to arrange the living room. and being that i'm the one that's home more than anybody else, i feel like i should be the one that gets to make these decisions. still, i ask and consider any and all opinions. except how the boys said that their sister can sleep in a closet so they can each have their own room, because that's not happening. maybe one day we'll be able to afford a house where everybody has their own room, but that day is not today.

while all this new house stuff is going on, i also have to keep on top of all the normal day to day stuff. like homework. and also because school is winding down (there's only two months left), it means the great push to catch up is on. i hate this, and i hated it last year, and though i understand why, it's very stressful. and stress is counter-productive. last year there was much talk with all his teachers what reading level he was supposed to make it to so that they could say he passed. he made it, barely, but he was bring home so many books, and a word ring with sight words to practice, and a "sound" ring so he could practice letter groups to make it easier to sound out words, it was taking more than an hour a night, just to try to meet the state mandated reading level. there's not been much talk of that this year, but i feel it's only a matter of time. because how do you keep your older boy from being frustrated by the fact he is reading at the same level as his younger brother?

and then too, with all of this, i'm trying to keep all the dates straight of all the stuff we have going on. because all of a sudden our calender seems very full. family activities and holidays and birthdays and trips uptown, it's getting confusing. and then there's also talk about what we're doing over the summer, with who and when. plus we need to keep a few weekends open for moving in i suppose.

things are just crazy here. and more and more keeps getting added to my plate. really, i know it'll be ok, because most of it is stuff i just have to show up for, and nothing i'm in charge of planning or have any control over. and i'm very good at randomly showing up. the real trick is making sure i know who is supposed to show up with me. because one of these days i'm going to go someplace with the wrong kid, and then things will get really awkward.

the black thumb of death

it should be no secret now that my family and i are going through the house buying process. it is exciting and scary and as confusing as can be. dear hubby and i have never done this before, so we really are relying heavily on the help and advice of those much more knowledgeable than ourselves.

and because this is the first house we can really call our very own, we've started to dream. how we want it to look, what improvements we want to make, how we want to use the space we've got. and we do have to be smart about how we use the space, because it's not a huge amount of house. it's certainly bigger than what we had before, and looking around it seems there's so much potential in those blank walls.

which is honestly the scariest part in my mind, and it's a shortcoming i've had that i'm still trying to get over. there is so much potential, only limited by space and money, of all the different things we could do. but then, what if we choose to do something and don't like it? or it doesn't work? and then we're stuck with all our bad decisions staring us in the face for the rest of our lives.

and then i proceed to hyperventilate.

and so, instead, i've been focusing on the furniture arrangement, how i want to put what we've got and where i want it. because if i don't like it, it can move. so it's something much less permanent and more manageable for my hyperactive imagination that goes from good idea to worst case scenario constantly.

my dear husband, on the other hand, has started to dream about a garden. which is kind of funny for him, because we've had homes with bits of land before that we could have planted a few things on, and he was never interested. now though, with this new house, we have a yard with a fence all the way around it. it's not a very big yard, but it's all ours and very clearly marked. and so he's decided he wants a vegetable garden.

honestly, i blame my mother. she's super into gardening. she's landscaped most of the places she's lived all by herself (with help for the physical labor). she also has a huge garden. last year the boys helped her plant a few things, and they loved to help pick stuff when it was ripe. and my hubby and i helped her build the raised boxes she's growing in, and also helped to build a deer proof fence around the whole thing. and she's expanded this year by putting in a strawberry patch, in addition to the snap peas, tomatoes, cucumbers, various peppers, carrots, squash, zucchini, lettuce, horseradish, onions, and pumpkins she'll have. last year she tried corn, which the squirrels climbed over the fence and ate, and also sunflowers, which didn't grow so well for a couple of reasons.

so my hubby wants to put a few raised boxes in our yard to grow some vegetables. i think we're going to limit ourselves to tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and zucchini, and maybe a little lettuce. i say "we," though i really mean "he." if i were to try and help, i know everything would die. my mother was gifted with a very green thumb, but me, not so much. early on in our relationship, my hubby realized that if he wanted to give me flowers, they should just be fake if we wanted them to look nice after three days.

he and my mother are making a great plan on how things will work, what we have to do and when we have to do them. and hopefully, if they need my help, they will give me detailed instructions so i don't mess things up. because i really do like fresh veggies, and if i can get them into my kitchen, then i'll definitely be in my comfort zone.

six months ago

i was going to write a post yesterday about what i was doing six months ago. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. now i'm writing it at 230am, because these thoughts keep going around in my head and it's something i think i need to get out. so i am.

six months ago, i wasn't just stressing because i was trying to plan bumble's birthday party. he turned 8 exactly six months ago, and my mind really should have been filled with dinner and cake, balloons and decoration, and if i could throw a surprise party when it was just his family down here and if he would be surprised by it at all.

no, instead, six months ago, i was wading through muddy, gas and oil slicked water, trying to make it through my yard and into my house. tropical storm lee hit our area much harder than expected, and the water was coming up faster and higher than people thought. the day before i had packed up the kids and gone to my moms', because from there i could drive the boys to school if we needed to stay until the waters went down. we'd done it before when the creek behind my house flooded over the road, because if we didn't, we couldn't get out of our driveway.

and so, my dearest hubby and i drove around road closed signed, and had to explain to the police that stopped us how, in the rush to leave yesterday, i had forgotten a few things. and that's when we were told that our area was being evacuated. so it wasn't just a good idea that we were leaving, they were forcing us, and everybody else, to get out while we could. they said we had twenty minutes to grab what we could and then we had to leave.

so, six months ago, instead of baking all afternoon to making an amazing cake like i had planned, i was running through my house grabbing all the clothes i could, throwing them in bags and lugging them through greasy, sewage-smelling water to my car. and my husband was grabbing all the pictures off the walls and all my photo albums, all the memories we'd never be able to replace. (which is a funny thought in this digital age, that i couldn't get copies of my photo's because i'd lost the negatives) i went through and grabbed all the social security cards and birth certificates, the titles and loan documents and bank records, the old tax returns and W-2s, all the "important" papers that we'd need if we ever needed to file for anything from the federal government all the way down to the school district.

we grabbed everything that we could manage in a few suitcases and trash bags, and six months ago we were forced to leave our home, crappy as it was, not knowing if we'd ever see it again.

six months ago was also the day i realized that i don't do well in situations of stress. running through the house, trying to grab everything important and irreplaceable, was almost impossible to me. everything in my little house was irreplaceable and important, from the kids' pictures on the fridge to my tea set i had as a little girl. but i knew we couldn't take everything. so as we left i just hoped and prayed that my house would still be there when the waters went down.

and it was. and i know i was lucky, much luckier than even my neighbor who's house sat just three feet lower and they ended up losing everything. but still, it was hard. and i didn't lose anything that my insurance or FEMA considered valuable, but things are still gone that i can't get back.

six months ago, my life changed. everything for my family changed. and we're still trying to get things back on track. it's the hardest thing i've ever gone through, and continue to go through. and it's surreal sometimes, because i know most people don't even think about it. driving past my old house, seeing all the surrounding businesses open and coming back to life, everything seems normal. the only real reminders are the empty lots where condemned houses used to be. strange, gaping, empty spots while all around life goes on as usual, like six months ago never happened.

warming houses with a party!

it's probably way too early to be thinking about a housewarming party. mostly because that kind of party takes having a house. which we don't. not yet. but we will! eventually.

and i like parties. and having people over. and showing off my culinary skills. and sugar and baking and fun.

so i figure, what better way to warm a house then with an oven? like housewarming while baking treats, not like redneck heating by leaving the oven door open. which is totally dangerous and stupid. not that i've ever seen it done in real life or anything.

anyway, something else i like to do is plan parties. usually just in my head because i don't like to talk to people, and if i were to have a party, i would be required to tell people about it and invite them over. and then probably talk to them while they're here.

have i mentioned that i might have a few issues?

so yeah, i've been planning the housewarming party i will eventually have. and because i can't imagine how i'll set it up or what things will look like, i've just been envisioning the menu. because the whole point is to have people over so they can wander around and look at our new house and marvel at our mismatched furniture and random "decorations" shoved on bookshelves and generally wonder why we have half the crap we do, i've been planning an appetizer style menu. little bits and bites perfect for carrying and munching.

so there will be meatballs and shrimp, because all three of my boys like meatballs and shrimp. but not together, because that would be kind of gross. veggies and chips and dip of course. and a cheese tray, because i like to pretend i'm a fancy lady, and fancy ladies totally love cheese, like nice melty brie or goat's milk cheese on crackers. maybe i'll even make some of my spiced mixed nuts, because i haven't done that in a long while.

i'm sure i'll have other savory foods, but mostly, in my head, i've been planning the dessert side of the snacks. like various brownies and cookies. and fancy cupcakes perhaps. and maybe a parfait, because "you know what everybody likes? everybody likes parfaits!" (if i could find a good clip of that scene, i'd totally be linking it)

anyway, i know it's really early to think about such things, but planning this party gives me something happy to think about. a direction to send my rambling thoughts when i lay awake at night and my brain just won't turn off. most of this might not even happen, if things go the way they usually do. best laid plans always falling through and such. and some might think i'm jinxing myself, like counting chickens when all i have are eggs. still, i'm happy in my delusions, and i like to think i'm not hurting anybody, so where's the harm?

uptown living

so we're going uptown this weekend to visit the inlaws. which is nice, because my hubby is very close with his mom and dad. if it hadn't been for his job, we never would have moved away.

but it got me thinking. his family and many of our friends still live there. it's where he grew up. it's where we moved when we first moved in together. both the boys were born up there, had so many firsts up there.

needless to say, that area is very comfortable for us. things just seems easier there.

i know, if we still lived there, if i needed a babysitter for 2pm on a tuesday and only found out at 10am, there are multiple people i could ask. and if my dear hubby needed to blow off steam, there are a few couches he's more than welcome to crash on after an all night madden-athon. and it just seems like there's less pressure to one-up with the people that live there, because nobody has anything so it's kind of pointless to compare that stuff.

and yet hubby and i have talked about it at length. as much as we love to visit, we both agree that we'd never move back. there is a safe support system there, and things are easy because we already know what to expect.

but it's also a very depressed area. there are no jobs or opportunities. the school systems aren't what we want for the boys. and there are less extracurricular activities for them. the boys have both become very active in scouts, and scouting programs are almost nonexistent uptown. and for lumpy to see the specialists he needs, we'd have to drive all the way to pittsburgh. it just isn't the place we want to raise our kids.

and yet.... and yet...

and yet i miss being there. and visiting. and there are times when we go up that i wish we had more time to stay and visit with everyone, because there's never enough time in the day to see all the people and do all the things.

on the flip side though, there are times when we go that i am more than happy to be able to leave and come back home. wherever home might be.

there's no place like home

there were other things i wanted to talk about today, but all i have on my mind right now is a house. for those that might not remember, way back in september there was crazy flooding all around here, and the house that we were living in was damaged. so my whole family moved in with my moms.

and though i am grateful for having a place to call home, this is still a temporary home for us. and honestly, i was hoping that it would be more temporary than it has been. i know i've talked about having a place of my own, with all my stuff, where the kids can be free to run around and destroy things because they would be destroying their own things. here we must be much more careful.

anyway, a few days ago, my hubby and i went to look at houses. again. we've looked at hundreds online, and many fewer in person. but on monday, we looked at one we both agreed on. and one that was in our very limited price range. and one that needs minimal repairs. if you call needing a roof minimal. which, compared with most of the other houses in our price range, i certainly do.

so now we just have to wait. the realtor we're working with and the mortgage guy that is helping us have to let us know if we'll be able to actually get this house. then of course we have to make an offer and hope that it's accepted. so i know there will be a lot of waiting in store for us.

it's hard, with everything going on, not to get discouraged. things will work out for us, we just have to be patient. and when it is time, it is time. we have to have hope and faith. and if this doesn't work out something better will come along. i already know all the positive mantras i should be repeating to myself.

still, it's hard. to want something so bad and have to wait. to wonder where you went wrong, and if this is some sort of karmic punishment. i know this is a temporary situation that we are in, but still there are days that i just want to curl up and cry.

things could be worse, and there are those that are in worse shape than us. and i should focus on all the good in our life, and try not to worry so much about the bad and about all the things i don't have control over.

if anybody really knows how to do that, please let me know.

truly random

so i've had a lot going on this week. i've been given a lot to think about. and instead of writing a series of posts about everything, i'm just going to do a wrap-up post for the week right now. try to follow along and enjoy...

is it so bad that i don't like to wear clothes? during the summer, shoes and socks are the bane of my existance. and is it so bad that i don't make my children wear clothes? they're boys, and she's a little bit, so why can't shirts and pants be optional? when they get older, unfortunately i'm sure they'll get more insecure about themselves, more self conscious. and eventually it will be very innapropriate to let my little girl run around topless. but right now, they're kids, i want to let them enjoy the freedom that they have. and if we keep it confined to our own home, are we really hurting anyone?

underwear, by the way, is never optional, always mandatory.

speaking of freedoms, what right do people feel they have to censor what i do and say? i guess, really, this thinking comes from all the PIPA/SOPA talk that happened. and i'm very very glad there was talk. piracy is bad. blanket restrictions are too. piracy should be stopped, but these two bills are not the way to do it. prohibition never really stopped the people that wanted to drink, so i'm not sure how this'll stop the people that really want to do illegal things online.

also, i keep dreaming of houses. i dream of my kids in their rooms. or running around a yard i've never seen. i dream of being in a kitchen with all my things, every thing where i put them. and then, i always wake up.

now before i go too much further, i want to say that i am eternally grateful to both my moms for taking us in. we do have place to move and to breathe and to be here. i can't imagine what the alternative would have been, had they not opened their home and let us come. and there are days that i feel like my brood and i are a terrible inconvinience.

still, it's not quite the same. and i'm getting to the point where i'm looking for things and realize they're still in boxes somewhere. though when packing things up, i tried to think about what things i wouldn't miss being in storage. i guess i never realized that the storing would be this long.

so does that make me shallow? or petty? wanting things, physical things? all of my needs are met, and more. i am comfortable, i am taken care of. i am able to have all of my kids and hubby with me under one roof. and i know they are well taken care of, because i'm still here to take care of them. but i miss my things, my stuff, my books and movies and music. i miss looking at my curio of nicknacks. i miss my bed.

and this wondering and confusion in my brain has also lead to thoughts of guilt. with other things that i'm not going to talk about, i've also begun to wonder if i'm really that great of a mother. how much that is wrong with my kids is my fault? how much are they born with, and how many issues are created by what i have done or didn't do? and is it too late to fix things? though i'm not really sure if i'm able to, if i'm strong enough. so many people telling me so many different things, and all these things i'm supposed to do so that my kids are happy and mentally healthy. when am i supposed to find the time? time to spend one on one with each of them every day. and still do things together as a family. and still help them with their homework. and make dinner. and baths and bed and laundry and shopping. how many hours do these doctors think there are in a day? i know being a mom is a full time job, but i'm not sure i can do it for 24 hours a day with no time to myself. it's impossible.

i call shenanigans.

i will breath. and remember that they are doing ok. and no kid is perfect. and they are happy and healthy, most of the time. but in truth, they are normal kids. and i shouldn't worry as much as i am. as my dear hubby would say, i am a good mother. i'm the best mother my kids could ever have.

cats vs. dogs

i might have talked about this before. and really, anyone that knows me should not be surprised. i like cats. i like cats and do not like dogs. and i personally believe that everyone has a preference.

sure, there are those out there that have both cats and dogs, but i really believe that most people, if forced to make a choice, could make one. and yes, i realize that there are those that would pick a pet rock over either, being the lowest maintenance of all.

in my mind, dogs are so high maintenance.  they're like little kids, they need care and attention multiple times a day. but cats, cats are so much easier. you can actually leave a cat for a day or two and know it'll still be ok when you get back. if it wants love and attention it will find you. dogs will wag for anyone, but it's something more special if you can get a cat to purr.

hence, i like cats. i always have. since i was a little girl, i always wanted a cat. my father, who hated cats, said we weren't allowed to have pets we couldn't keep in a small container, so i ended up with hamsters and goldfish. eventually we got a dog, but i was never a fan. i wanted a cat.

eventually i got one. rather, my hubby, before we were married, bribed me into moving in with him by promising me he'd buy me a kitten (yes, i was easy back in the day). so even though he is definitely a dog person, he bought me the cutest little kitten. she was all black with a little white spot on her belly. i named her isis, after the egyptian goddess. and she was the best kitten in the whole world.

she used to meet me at the door when i would come home from work. and she'd lay on her back so i could stratch her belly. and she'd even come when i called her. she was so much like a dog, even dear hubby fell in love with her.

we had isis for years. when i had bumble, she was jealous and became more of an outside cat. then when i had lumpy, she became a cat that didn't want to come back in. after dealing with fleas and worms and three litters of kittens, we just couldn't afford to take care of her. and i had to give up my dear isis.

a few years went by, and things settled down. eventually i got another cat, an unwanted stray that was born in a wood pile. i let the boys help me name him, and being the little boys they were, they named him percy, after the little green #6 engine from thomas and friends.

being a stray born outside, you'd think he'd want to be an outside cat, but no, he was the laziest cat i've ever seen. fat and content, he never went outside. he was so docile, the boys used to use him as a pillow and he never scratched or ran away.

but then, like with isis, our little fishie came along, and we couldn't handle percy. i think it would have been ok if he would have gone outside and amused himself, but no, he was a lap cat. my lap cat. which doesn't work so well when you're trying to feed a baby. and somehow, strangely enough, he had a problem with fleas. he had them and we couldn't get rid of them and yet he never went outside!

in the end, i was forced to make a choice, again. and i gave percy away.

and now i don't have any pets.  the kids have goldfish, and my moms have two dogs and a very old cat. and sometimes i look at her cat and think how i want one of my own. my own little kitten to cuddle.

but first we need a house so i have a place to put a kitten in.

"happy" christmas

it's not even december yet, and i already want to be done with christmas. all the stores have drug out their holiday merchandise, all the toy catalogs are coming in the mail, not to mention the commercials and specials and music filling every aspect of my life. i am sick of it.

true, i get sick of christmas every year. the overwhelming holiday spirit always gets to be too much. and the commercialization seems to get shoved further down our throats every year. but this year, this year is especially hard.

i feel like christmas really won't be real, because i won't be able to give my kids the christmas that i want to give them. sure, i'll be able to do some of the special stuff that has become a tradition with us, but it just won't be the same. i can't bring myself to dig through the stack of boxes to find where our christmas stuff is packed, so i won't be bringing out any of our personal decorations. i even told the boys i would let them pick out new stockings this year so i don't have to dig for their old ones. the boys are thrilled, and obviously not as sentimental as i am.

so, besides all these new fun feelings of inadequacy, all the old feelings are coming to the surface also. there are always so many toys and games and presents that i want to get for the kids, but i feel the need to hold back so we don't break the bank. more-so this year, because in the next few months we hope to be buying a house. my husband, on the other hand, feels that, to make up for the lack of a home, he will buy out the store to give the kids the kind of christmas they deserve.

now, our kids are great and wonderful, and i'll be the first to say that i want the best for them, but they have so many toys they don't even play with, some sitting in boxes with the rest of their stuff that they don't even realize are missing, so i just don't feel like going out and buying them all this new stuff. especially since i know i'll be the one packing it up eventually. so i've been trying to rein in my hubby's spending, trying to explain my point of view while also getting him to understand that i totally see where he's coming from, but all of this has become a sore spot between us. which brings more stress that i just don't need.

and then of course are the logistics of planning for all the christmas celebrations, trying to find time to spend with all of the families, trying to make all the grandparents happy. this is an impossibility, one i have conceded to long ago. it's just a matter of sticking to the plans i have set and understanding that i will be upsetting some along the way. which just feels more and more like a fact of life.