sackcloth and ashes

so all my kids are in school full time. and i am happy. my house is quiet, it gives me time to think. i know i have my mornings to finish all the things i didn't get done the night before, which has helped to ease the bedtime routine. i have flipped chores around, instead of washing the dinner dishes, i leave them to soak in the sink for the morning, which leaves me more time to focus on the kids and making sure is done and books are read and showers are taken and hair is brushed. there is enough to do at night without worrying about getting my house to tip top shape.

and i am developing a morning routine that i like and works for me. we get up and get breakfast. while they eat i make fish's lunch (the boys pack for themselves), and then it's getting dressed and ready and getting out the door on time. i walk my dear fish, which i totally count as my daily exercise, and then i come home and clean the house. it still leaves me with most of the day to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet.

the problem is that i am getting many comments about how people think i must feel, which is making me wonder if how i really feel is wrong. everyone i've talked to was surprised that i wasn't in tears on the first day all the kids were in school. that i don't miss them terribly and am all sorts of upset and wonder what to do with myself all day.

does not being upset make me a bad mother? does it mean that i love them less then those that are inconsolable? is there a standard level of grief that i am not reaching, a socially acceptable amount of tears that i should have shed by now?

because i like to think that i do love my kids, in my own quiet way. i provide for them and encourage them and help ready them for the outside world. i feel like going to school is just the next logical step on their journey to independence. if this is the normal and expected direction they are to be going in and growing in, why should i be upset? i feel like i should count the lack of tears on all our faces as a victory in preparing them to face the challenges of the world at large.

and yet some of what i have read on facebook during this back to school time has made me feel like less of a mother, like i didn't reach some predetermined standard of grief. because i didn't hit that level of sadness, my love for my children must not be as real or as true or as much.

i am me, and when it comes to feelings about things outside myself, i know that for me, the highs are never as high and the lows are never as low as i have seen expressed by others. but that doesn't mean that i don't feel anything at all, it just means that i don't express it. i had to learn not to show emotions, unless i wanted those emotions used against me. i am careful, i am cautious, but i also know that my children know how much and how deeply i love them. i am tired of the social media competitions, i refuse to wear sackcloth and ashes. it's not my style, but that's ok. those who matter know the truth.

on edge

i am trying to keep everything straight this week. school starts, and football is in full swing. this weekend there is a big party we are not only attending, but i agreed to help set up and make food for. plus i have house guests to deal with. one has been here for a week and will be here for another week or so, and two more come this weekend for the aforementioned party.

needless to say, i am a bit stressed. i am afraid i am going to miss something. i am afraid something is going to remain undone and i will let people down. there are so many moving parts and pieces this week, and it falls to me to get everyone in place backstage so when the curtain goes up, we are all ready.

the other side of this, the more crazy less rational side (and isn't there always?) is that i think i am not as stressed and upset about certain things as i should be. i like my home a certain way, i have routines and schedules in place, but i also try to be an accommodating hostess. and so, with house guests, i have deferred to their preferences and let some things go so i know they are comfortable. which has left me uncomfortable and stressed out and unable to fall back on my routines to get me through. so i am personally upset. but on friday, my dear fish goes to kindergarten all day, and i am ready to push her out the door. and i am more than ready for the boys to go back.

and so it stands as this: friends and beloved family come for a visit and stay causes me panic, but a milestone that proves all of my children are growing up and will soon leave me makes me feel next to nothing. and because i think that this is not how things should be, i feel the need to pretend that i welcome all my guests with open arms while acting visibly upset at my children heading off to school.

i know i am me, that nobody else is me, and that if this is how i react to my life, i shouldn't feel bad about it. but this is just another one of those times where i feel less than normal, and that my reaction to things isn't quite right, and over so many years i have been trained to feel bad about my choices and my feelings, especially when they don't fall in line with those of my peers. part of me knows that i shouldn't feel bad about how i feel, but i also know that i'm not there yet. society's pressures are still too strong, and i am not like the brave women i've seen who don't care what others think. because honestly, i do care. i want so much to be liked and accepted that there are times i am willing to go against who i am if it gets me closer to who i think people want me to be. maybe one day i will be strong and brave and will find my tribe who will support me no matter what i do or say. right now, though, i still feel like i need to hide all this crazy.

the weird family

as summer winds down, i have been taking an inventory of things i have learned over the summer. some of the basics aren't really new, such as sometimes my boys are super amazing together and sometimes they're like rabid dogs at each others' throats. i have seen how fish can play well with other kids, but only on her terms; when she is done playing and wants to be left alone, she is loud enough and big enough that she can get her way.

other things, though, are truths i suppose i should have realized long ago but have been blind to. this summer, and all of the activities we've participated in, have reinforced those truths. or truth, because there is one that is all encompassing and umbrellas all small nuggets of wisdom. it is that my family is strange.

now yes, i know, in this day it is kind of hip to say that everyone should be their own unique person and kids should be themselves and be proud when they are. still, there are social acceptable norms that a family shouldn't stray too far from, kind of like it's ok to be weird, just not too weird. my family blast through those lines without looking back.

like when we all go to play at the playground for some outside family fun, and it is my kids that are yelling and screaming and carrying on too loudly. and bumble is playing with the very little kids because he doesn't get along well with those of his size. and fish is jumping off of things and crying that she hurt herself, and when i call her over to see if she's ok the first thing out of her mouth is she wants to know if she's in trouble. and lumpy making everything into a gun or weapon or some war game, making very specific references to violent video games he probably shouldn't know. and all the while i am getting judgy side-eye from all the other parents for ruining their peaceful day out.

it's also fun to get confirmation your kids are the weird ones when they go to scout camp by themselves. and one doesn't play so well with others because they are a very strict rule follower, and they get into fights with other kids who want to play and maybe don't follow the rules to the letter, and that's not ok by them. and then the other one, who has known social issues, has so much trouble interacting with the other boys that the leaders have to sit everyone down and explain that bullying is not ok.

i already have issues going out and interacting with others in public, i would be very happy never to have to leave the house. the fact that my kids are the weird kids does not make going out any easier. i don't really help myself though, because i am always overly prepared, with a giant purse filled with just in case supplies, and i am terrible at small talk so i don't try to make any, and when i do end up talking i trail off mid-sentence or talk too fast and too loud.

so yeah, all the interactions we've had this summer has just confirmed what i always feared, that my family is the weird family. and so much these days says to revel in your strangeness and embrace your differences, but it's hard when you live in a conservative area and being different isn't always celebrated. at least i know it'll never be boring around here.

droning on and on and on

let me preface this post with the fact that i love my kids, i really do, and hopefully no matter what i say that fact remains unquestionable. there are many facts, many truths, that pop in my life, some which seem contradictory. such as the fact i love my kids, but there are days that i can't stand them. that they are a joy to be around, but i really don't want to be around them all the time. that i know they love each other and miss each other when they are apart, but they fight like cats and dogs when they are together, and i am surprised there hasn't been more blood spilled (literally) when they do get into scrapes.

but what is true for all relationships is true for a mother and child bond, that i can love them more than anything but that doesn't mean that i love everything about them. such is another one of those tricky truths that i am working hard to accept. and it doesn't mean that i want to change them, because they are not clones of me, they are their own people with their own personalities. still, they have these little quirks that drive me up the wall, such as monologging.

seriously, they monolog like super villans, talking on and on with no pause, whether i am listening or not, whether i am trying to pay attention to something else or not, about whatever they are doing or thinking. and i've told them before that i don't care, i've told them before that i am busy and if they want to talk to me they need to say "excuse me" and wait for my attention, and i've told them that if they want to narrate their own life, they should try to do it quietly in their heads and not bother other people. or write everything down on a stupid blog on the internet.

really, i haven't said most of those things to my lovely children, even though i've thought them, because i have enough guilt from all the things without adding that i yell at them to shut up. i have become adept at tuning them out though, because all the rambling and senseless talking drains me. i can't handle all the noise, the way that i recharge is in silence. too much sound overwhelms me, it's really one of the main reasons that i don't like going out places or doing things with other people. i have so much going on in my own head, too much sound on the outside makes the voices on the inside shout that much louder. and then i'm done, all panicked and crying in a corner, social anxiety for the win.

so yes, i love my children. and i do love that they are creative and imaginative and expressive and clever. i want to know what is going on in their heads and in their lives, what their opinions are and views on life, just some days i'd like the cliff notes version.

starting again

i am floating along and feel like life is missing something but i'm not honestly sure what that is. and so i've decided to bring back into my life some of the things i used to have and use and do, things that gave me a small sense of happiness, so see if that might be what i am lacking. so i'm reading more and writing more, and now i've decided to try blogging again. not that it ever made a huge social impact, but this was really all for me anyway.

which is really the point, isn't it? making something now that is for me and about me and from me, which all sounds terribly selfish, but it's important to be selfish sometimes. for so long my life has been lived only in relation to those around me, my hubby and my kids, they took all of my time. in truth, i gave them all of my time, i can't stand back and blame them for not living a life of my own. i let myself be defined by my family. and along the way, i lost myself. but as my children grow older and more self sufficient, i find i have more time on my hands that i can be using to do the things i like to do. though it's been so long, i've kind of lost what those things are. which brings us back to this, rambling on, stream of consciousness style, about whatever pops into my head, whether or not it has anything to do with those who share this roof. because maybe, along the way, it'll help to remind me of who i am, beyond "mom."

all mixed up

things are crazy here, have been crazy here for more than a month. we, i, thrive on routine, and that routine has been thrown out he window. and though i feel like i'm just barely keeping it together, i am mostly doing ok. with, as is usual, some days being better than others.

normally i don't have to worried about losing the normalcy of my days until summer break hits, and the boys are off and wanting to watch cartoons all day. and then i have to feed them every meal and try to reign in their screen time and still get them to do some sort of work so their skills don't totally get lost. but now our nice daily schedule is all thrown off because my dear hubby has been home for more than a month. it's the longest time we've ever spent together with neither of us working, and the bottom line is that it has been a true test of our relationship.

more than a month ago, all the way back in april, he crushed his finger trying to put his ladder away at work. not just broke, the bone in his left pinkie was in about ten pieces in the xray that was taken in the emergency room. if he hadn't been wearing his wedding ring, he probably would have lost his whole hand, which is not the first time that circle of medal has saved his fingers. still, he only broke his littlest finger on his dominant hand (of course he's left-handed), which seems like such a small thing, though over the weeks we have been finding out how big on an injury is it. he has a very manual labor type job, and without his little finger, he can't grip anything with the rest of his hand. for a while, to hold everything straight, there were pins that made an x around the bone and came out through the skin, which he had to be very careful about. we're finally at the point where the pins are out, but now he has to go to physical therapy, because after being forced to hold his finger straight for so long, the joints no longer want to bend.

and so i've had him home with me for many weeks. and he hasn't been working, which has been very tough for him. he's worked since he was 16, and in fact the company he's at he's been with for 14 years, which is a feat for somebody only in their mid-30s. but he doesn't know what to do with himself, and i've tried to entertain him, and we've watched a lot of stupid tv, and he's gotten to play some of his neglected quest games on the xbox, but still i'll be happier and he'll be happier when he's not home quite so much.

also, he finally finished school and graduated. it was nice to not have to work, that he was able to throw everything he had into his finals. though one consisted of hands-on lab work, but his teacher liked him so much he was able to use all of his participation in class to cover the work he wasn't able to do. so he graduated, with highest honors, and because he wasn't working his parents came down for the week to watch him walk across the stage and get his diploma holder. and we had a huge party, more because i wanted to throw a party than he wanted to celebrate, which is when more friends and family came down.

so over the month or so i have been absent from here, i've had a house full of people, i've hosted parties and dinners, i've seen my hubby more in these weeks than i have since christmas, and then of course there have been the normal ups and downs of life with my kids and the dramas of elementary school. i'm actually looking forward to summer break at this point, because then we start a whole new routine, so i don't have to worry about adjusting back to our old one. this is all just another example of how life is crazy and unpredictable. i would have thought i learned that lesson enough by now, but obviously the fates think i needed to be reminded.

just a push

i'm really not good at dealing with people. strangers or acquaintances, people i know or don't know or really should know but can't remember, it doesn't matter who they are, other people scare me and i don't like it. the it being the fact that i'm scared and the fact that people are scary.

the problem is that i am not graceful in social situations. too many times to i find myself out and about, trying to make small talk and having nothing to say. or there are conversations going on around me and i have nothing to add. so i am there, quietly observing, doing my best to blend in with the scenery. or if i do find my courage to actually say something, i usually falter halfway through when i realize that people are actually looking at me and listening to the words that are coming out of my mouth. not that i really enjoy my lonely existence, but i am so much more used to being ignored than having people pay attention. honestly, it's unsettling.

the paradox is that i enjoy going out. i like to people watch and observe from the sidelines. and i'm actually almost comfortable in a small group setting. in fact, i can sometimes handle one on one conversations, especially if i don't have to say anything. as long as i am not the center of attention, i am fine.

i do know this, and try hard to remember it, that i will be ok and enjoy myself if i'm going to be somewhere that to focus is on others. or if i'm going to be with my very close circle of people who understand my issue and jump in to talk for me. the hardest part for me then is the actually getting out and going.

it's like i have trouble just walking through the door, but when i sit down i'm fine. or i will try and get somewhere early, and then i sit in my car for a while, hyperventilating, debating on whether or not it would be better to go in or to just go home and never leave again. of course, when i am done and back in my car at the end of the day, i always wonder what i was so worked up about. and then i make the impossible promise that i will be better next time.

i do try to remember that the world isn't quite as scary as i think it is. and people aren't waiting around just to point and laugh at me. and that if they're paying attention to me, it's because they're actually interested in what i have to say. or even if they're just being polite and paying attention because i was paying attention to them, it doesn't mean they're judging me in their head. i don't know why i am constantly surprised that i am able to have a good time in the company of others, but i am.

all of this, of course, only holds true if i am going anywhere by myself. if i have my hubby or my kids with me, it's a whole different ball game. which, of course, might be the whole reason there is a problem, because i am so out of practice at going out like a grown up. i don't know how to act anymore if i'm not filling the roll of mom wrangling three crazed monkeys. but i'd like a chance at trying to remember, i just need a little push out the door.

tragedies and emergencies

back when i was in high school, i went on a back packing trip with my church youth group. after we had made camp, the leaders decided we should explore the area, which included crossing a 30 foot wide creek that was nearby. the water was only up to our knees, but the bottom was covered with large rocks that proved to be very slippery and the current in the middle was stronger than anyone thought it would be. we linked arms to try and steady ourselves when we were halfway across and realized it was probably a very stupid idea to be attempting. i was last in line, and when i slipped i let go of the hand i was holding and there was no one left to grab me. the current was too fast and too strong for me to stand up, but fortunately i had the presence of mind to point my head up stream and swim at an angle toward the shore. it turns out i was very lucky, because i ended up 30 yards downstream from where i fell, and there was only 10 yards between me and serious rapids. had i panicked, not kept a level head and tried to swim to shore, i surely would have drowned.

fast forward a number of years to a quiet afternoon at home. fishie was only a few weeks old, and i had just finished feeding her and put her down for a nap. my hubby was sleeping, as he had work that evening, and the boys were playing in their bedroom. suddenly i heard a loud crash and then crying. honestly, this was nothing new, as the boys were getting into the stage where they were starting to play rough. and then dear lumpy came walking down the hallway, crying. it wasn't a normal cry, it was a true cry of pain. he showed me his arm, and i could see where bone was trying to stick out of his skin and the whole forearm was at a strange angle because he had dislocated it from his elbow. i freaked out, i completely forgot what i should do in that kind of situation, and so i took him and we woke up his dad with the immortal words "does this look right?" after my dear hubby was full awake, which didn't take long given the situation, he took charge and sent me with lumpy to the e.r., where they set his bone and gave him a cast and sling. and the only reason i went instead of my much calmer husband is because i have all of the important medical history and information memorized for all of our children.

i wanted to share these lovely stories from my past because of the tragedies that seem to be happening more and more often in our world these days, and the wonderings of "what would i do in that situation?" because, unfortunately, i know what i would do, or at least how i would act. if it was only me, i'd be fine. when tragedy befalls my kids, i temporarily forget which way is up.

the truth is my family has been through an unfortunate number of tragic situations, and i wish that i could be calm throughout. invariably, i freak. eventually i will calm down and be the rock that is needed. still, because i know that i'm not so great in an emergency, i am trying to be prepared. so i plan what to do, and i go over those plans with my husband and my kids. they know where to go and who to call, and because the kids will probably act like me, they know where the important numbers and info are written so they don't have to worry about having everything memorized. i haven't gone all the way with fully packed bug-out bags, but that's really only because we have just enough money to live day to day. if i had enough left over, i'd definitely buy for tomorrow. as is, i plan. and wonder and worry and hope for the best. we know not what the future holds, but i will do my best to make sure we survive it, as calmly as i can.

keep it together until it comes together

i am by no means perfect. i don't even pretend to be perfect. there are days where i feel lucky to make it out of the house in one piece only slightly late while forgetting one or two things. seriously, my goal in life is to be able to get everyone in my house out the door on time for a whole week completely prepared for their day. it hasn't happened yet, but when it does, i will be throwing myself a party.

and so, when i'm out and about, at the store or on the way to school for example, i look at other moms with pity and understanding. because i know what it's like not to have it all together. and i'd hope that they look at me with the same sort of understanding.

like if i'm grocery shopping, and i hear screaming. full pitched, throwing a fit, should be accompanied by rolling on the floor and kicking feet, i feel bad for whoever that kid belongs to. well, my first reaction is to be glad it's not mine, because there but for the grace of god it could be. and then, i feel for them. because i've been there. in fact, there are times i'm there right now, because dear fish thinks she's a big girl so she doesn't want to sit in a shopping cart anymore. and it's hard to keep her near me and not run off. and it's hard to get her to not touch everything. and some days i just don't have the patience to deal, and i strap her in the cart, and then she screams bloody murder. so i know how it goes with kids in stores sometimes.

i try to be organized. i try to have it all together. mostly, i'm trying to get my boys to realize that they are old enough to mind their own stuff and get themselves ready. because if they could manage that, then all i'd have to do is focus on myself and fish (and making sure their dad is awake, but that's a whole different challenge). lately, they've been telling me that they are old enough and responsible enough to handle everything, and i've let them try and prove themselves. and sometimes it goes well. and sometimes they have a water fight when they're supposed to be brushing their teeth. or bumble forgets to wear his glasses to school. or lumpy forgets to give me the papers he brought home, the ones i was supposed to sign.

i know i wasn't always the most together and with it person, or maybe i never really was, but it seems to me that i have become less and less organized over the years. and yes, i know that i'm not only responsible for myself, but also for all the people that reside in my house, so i've got more work to do just to get out the door. but there are days where i can get everyone up and dressed and moving and out the door on time, but i forget to brush my own teeth. and it seems lately that's how it goes, that i can remember everything for everybody else, but i forget myself sometimes.

i must admit that things are slowly getting better. there are weeks where i remember to help the boys with all of their school work, and only forget the work they were supposed to do for cub scouts. and when i go to the store, i actually remember my list and only forget to buy the things i forgot to write down. and most weeks i actually remember all the places we're supposed to go, even if we're a little late for most of them.

i also know that this state of barely controlled chaos is temporary. as my kids get older and actually become more self sufficient, they'll be able to manage their own affairs and better remember their own responsibilities without needing me to constantly remind them. and one day, i'll look back on all this craziness and wonder where my children went, as eventually i'll be surrounded by young adults who are too cool to hang out with their mother. so i've been told to cherish this time, even though many days all i want is for people to take control of their own affairs so i have the time to manage mine. also, most days i'd like a nap.

one pot of happy

long ago i spoke of my love of casseroles, how i think they are a wonderfully perfect food. they are easy to prepare, make ahead, throw them in the oven, and all ready for dinner. they almost stress-free to make, and personally i think they're delicious. unfortunately, my kids enjoy eating all their food separately, and therefore do not share my love of casseroles.

there is another style of food i love for dinner, one that is easy to make ahead, one that i can pull out of my freezer and heat up, one that helps keep supper time stress free. i am now talking about my new found love of crock pot meals.

i used to make food all the time in my crock pot. i even have a much loved, falling apart cook book filled with different crock pot recipes. and then, as my boys got older, i stopped. like i've mentioned, they like to eat all of their food separately, spread across their plate in neat piles, eating one kind of thing at a time before moving onto the next. crock pot meals cook everything together, so it's not always easy to separate into different components. and so, for the exact same reason as casseroles, my boys don't like them. and because i got tired of all the complaining, i stopped making them.

lately, though, i've seen all sorts of links and site and talk about crock pot meals. and not just regular crock pot meals, but make ahead meals. these are recipes that allow you to throw everything into one bag, pop it in the freezer, and pull it out at a later date to cook when things get really busy. some recipes are even complete meals, no need to make mashed potatoes or pasta or rice as a side.

i personally think that's a brilliant idea for a couple of reasons. using these make ahead and freeze for later meals means not only do i have dinner for a night where i don't have much time to make anything, it also means that i have something to cook when i don't really have any ideas of what to make, because it's already done for me. also, because these are crock pot meals, it means that i can start it in the late morning, go and be busy for awhile, and still have a yummy dinner all ready and waiting when we need it. the extra bonus of cooking it in the crock pot is that if we are running late, an extra hour cook time doesn't mean a ruined meal like it would if it was a dinner in the oven. an extra benefit i found when preparing these freezer meals is that i was able to make them now when the protein i was using was on sale, so it's even more economical than saving the recipe and making it later.

so yes, today i made 12 meals for future use, all bagged and tagged and stored in my deep freeze. i went through a couple of different sites, picking out the recipes that i thought my family would like best. still, i know i'm going to hear some complaints about how everything is all mixed together, but with three kids it's very rare that i don't have at least one complaining about something i'm forcing them to eat, so i'm not that worried about it. these crock pot meals might just turn out to be my new favorite thing.

right behind chocolate cake.

feeling tropical

i'm kind of sick of winter. actually, i don't mind winter, i'm just kind of sick of this time of year. it's still cold and crappy, but then the next day the sun comes out and it's nice and warm. or the sun comes out, but it's so windy it only seems warm, and then when you step outside you realize how bitterly cold it really is. i wish the weather would just make up its mind.

so because the weather has had me down lately, i decided to push past spring and think about summer. warm tropical breezes, the sand and the sea, fruity drinks with paper umbrellas, all of these were my inspiration for a delicious beachy feast.

ok, i'll be real here, a while back i bought a lime flavored cake mix. last year i found pink lemonade flavored cake mix and cookie mix and frosting in a tub, and this year it's back with all its friends in lime flavors. so i broke down and bought the lime cake mix to try. and i decided to use it as a starting point for my tropical meal.

yes, i know, lime isn't overly tropical. but pair it with coconut and pineapple and it is. or at least in my head it is. so when i baked the cake mix, i decided to do a pina colada sort of frosting. or rather it was exactly a pina colada frosting because when i made it, i used pina colada mix in place of the milk and vanilla called for in the recipe, and i mixed in some shredded coconut for good measure. to get some extra pineapple flavor going on, i mixed a bit of crushed pineapple with some of the frosting and used that as a filling inside the cake. with extra coconut sprinkled on the outside of it, it looked very tropical indeed.

after dessert was done, i turned my thoughts to what we were going to eat for the main meal. i decided to try an easy recipe for coconut shrimp that i had found, because i was again stretching the limits of the definition of tropical food. the coconut shrimp was simply peeled and deveined, dipped in egg and then dredged in a mix of coconut and shake'n bake, then baked at 400 degrees for 10 minutes. it was super easy, and it was a recipe for breaded shrimp that didn't involve frying, so i figured i'd give it a whirl.

to pair with the shrimp, i looked up a recipe that was a mock up for the red lobsters sauce that they pair with their coconut shrimp. turns out it was the perfect way to use up some of the pina colada mix and pineapple that was left over after making the cake.

the meal itself was a hit. the shrimp was amazing, and definitely something i'll make again. i was actually surprised how crispy it got in the oven, but i guess that's due to the magic of shake'n bake. the dipping sauce i made to go with it was kind of weird honestly. for whatever reason, it called for powdered sugar, which i used, but it made the sauce overly sweet. it also wasn't very thick like i would have preferred, but then i don't think i boiled it for the 20 minutes the recipe called for. if i make it again, i'll definitely be tweaking the recipe so it's more to my liking.

the cake was ok, which was actually rather disappointing to me. i used a different recipe for the frosting, one that called for a higher butter to sugar ratio than i'm used to, so i'm not sure why i was so surprised when the finished product was so buttery, more buttery than i like. also, the pina colada mix didn't flavor it as much as i hoped, so if i try it again i think i'll add some coconut extract also, to help bump up the flavor. still, i thought it was edible, and lumpy and fishie liked it well enough. neither my hubby nor bumble would even try it, because the lime cake part was green. very very green. and both of them said they don't eat green cake.

i can't say the whole evening transported me to the tropics, but it was definitely something different, and different can be good. because sometimes different is all it takes to get me out of my winter blues, which was the point of the meal in the first place.

naked and free is the way to be

i have always had this idea that i believe is an absolute truth. it might sound crazy to some, but i'm sure there are others out there that will nod their heads along with what i have to say.

all children like to be naked.

it's true, it really is. once a child is old enough to take their own clothes off, it's next to impossible to keep them fully dressed.

my kids all went through that stage. in fact, dear fishie finally grew out of that stage when she grew into regular clothes. she used to unzip her sleepers. she tried to take off her shirts. and if you took off her pants to change her diaper, it's a fight to get her to hold still long enough for you to put them back on. though even now she likes to run around with no pants on. many times after she's done going potty, she comes out just to wiggle her naked butt, which is super awesome when the boys have friends over.

though my boys like to be naked also. when i send them to get dressed in the mornings, or put their pj's on at night, they'll sit around in their underwear until i go up and get them moving again. they even got robes for christmas so they could hang out in their underwear without making their sister jealous, because i'm trying to teach her, as a girl, she needs to wear at least a tee shirt and underpants at all times.

the thing is, i don't think all this semi-nakedness is a very big deal. i, personally, hate to wear shoes and socks. all summer i run around outside with nothing on my feet. my mother tells me it's the way i always was. and i also am not a big fan of pants. now, as a lady, i know i need to wear something, but for a very long time i would wear skirts because it was like the freedom of no-pants but the modesty demanded by modern society.

my hubby, too, is not a big fan of clothes. though i think his views might have to do more with the fact he complains that he is always hot. lucky for him, he is a male and can run around shirtless all he wants. if i tried that, i can only imagine the horror.

the only real problem our clothes-free lifestyle runs into is the fact that most other people don't share it. and i don't mean my family has gone all the way to being nudists, but there were times, like when we would watch movies at home as a family, that the boys wouldn't wear shirts. or socks. and if it was warm enough i'd let fishie be just in a diaper.

because really, what is the big deal with wearing clothes? clothes just get dirty, and spills are easier to clean off your skin. and if you're not ashamed or self conscious, why must you cover up? especially since we keep our clothes-free ways limited to the privacy of our own home, why would any body else feel the need to say anything against us?

maybe this just falls in line with my liberal views. there are certain things that i consider personal freedoms, certain things that i don't understand why people make such a big deal out of. society is a collective mind, it is many voices that speak as one. but its collective voice is not the only voice. and if what i do doesn't hurt or inconvenience others, if it doesn't effect them in any way, then why should i feel ashamed or wrong? what right does somebody else have to make me feel bad about my choices?

cherishing mementos vs. hoarding stuff

at the moment, i am spring cleaning and organizing closets, and i remembered i had this and never posted it. i wrote it last june, when we were moving into the house we're in now. i am still no better about not holding onto things for reason only worthwhile to me...

are you tired of hearing about my moving adventures? yeah, i'm kind of tired of talking about them too. but, the fact is that it is the all consuming entity of my life right now. and, if i don't talk about it nicely like this, i'll probably just start randomly screaming on street corners, holding up signs that say "no more cardboard!" made out of cardboard, of course. because when you're yelling on street corners, it helps to get your point across if you look extra crazy.

my point of this post is that i have lots of stuff. too much stuff by some people's reckoning. but i'm trying to get better about all the random crap i keep. there have been boxes of things that haven't moved into the new house, they went straight to the dump or the donation pile. and there have been boxes that i've opened, and instead of trying to find homes of all contained there-in, i have gotten one of our lovely contractor bags (the 70 gallon kind designed to hold bodies), and filled it with all manner of stuffs.

and sometimes, the boxes are filled with things that i just look at and wonder why they got packed in the first place. those are the easy boxes to deal with, because there's no attatchment to them. it's the other boxes that are harder to figure out. ones that are filled with things that i don't really want, but feel like i need in some way. or it's filled with things that are still perfectly good and in working order, but nobody else wants, so i feel like i need to hold onto it, just in case.

just in case is kind of my downfall. that phrase is what does me in. because there have been boxes filled with old books or toys, or perhaps my wedding decorations from years ago, perfectly fine things that could totally be reused, but nobody else wants. so i think about getting rid of that stuff. and then, of course, i think that maybe tomorrow i'll need it, absolutely have to have it, so i should hold onto it. mind you, i haven't needed any of it in years and years, but tomorrow may be different! i made suddenly need to decorate my yard with frilly paper streamers, or absolutely have to set up a tea party for 20 stuffed bears, whose origins i no longer remember. so i have this burning desire to hold onto things, just in case.

that feeling is honestly easier to overcome than the other side of my problem. because i've become rational enough to understand that if i haven't used it in more than three years, or even gotten it out of the box it's stored in for more than three years, chances are i'm not going to need it. and if some random and crazy "just in case" moment comes up that i absolutely need it, i will go and buy a new version. because the truth is, in real today money, none of it is terribly expensive to replace.

the other side of things are the boxes filled with stuff that i deem irreplaceable. stuff that isn't worth anything to anybody else, but that i feel i must hold onto, lest i forget. they are boxes filled with physical memories. and yet, i'm getting to the point where i realize i don't need to save everything. still, it's very hard to figure out what is worth saving for all of time, and what are things i can let go of. because this is really where my problem lies, i want to save everything, and given the space, i know that i would.

ok, so honestly, my problem is that, even though i don't have the space, i try to save everything. like my closet is filled more with stuff i want to hold onto then clothes for me to wear. and the crazy part is, i am perfectly fine going through my clothes and getting rid of the things i don't use, so that i just enough "nice" outfits to get me through maybe a week.

and i can step back and realize that there is something slightly twisted in that viewpoint. but it's really very hard to get rid of the things you can never replace. like the boxes of drawings and art the boys made me, i have a box for every year that they were in school, starting in preschool. i've also saved all their writing and test and report cards. not that i know what i'll ever do with any of it, because i have a funny feeling they'll never want it. i also, for about twenty years, saved every card, birthday or thank you or congratulations, i ever got. i realized it was a silly thing to do, to save every card, so i stopped, but i still have a whole box from when i was still saving that i just can't bring myself to get rid of. and of course there are my notebooks. two boxes worth. most of them are a testament to my craziness. i finally was able to get rid of a box of disks; 20, filled to capacity with randomness, 3.5 inch diskettes to be precise, and the only real reason i was ok with getting rid of them was because i couldn't find the program i needed to open them anymore.

harder still to part with, but easier to rationalize why i keep them, are all the bits and broken things from all the people i'll never see again. i have a jewelry box filled with odds and ends of broken necklaces and bracelets, many from my grandmother who died years ago, some from friends i'll never see again. the hat from the hospital nursery, and pictures and scribbles and other things, all from my dear niece we lost too soon. and then there is the most random box, with a license plate and an old copy of macbeth and all the bits from high school physics projects and all the photos i took and some i stole from photo albums, all the things that remind me of my brother. and so many other random things from all the people i've lost and are gone forever.

so yes, i suppose that's why i really save all that i do. because i'm afraid to forget. memories are not something i can rely on. they twist and confuse me. my mind plays tricks on me. it's really the part of me that i know is not quite right, the part that can't keep the past straight. but with physical things, it's easier to hold them and remember what really happened.

you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family

so here's some real talk about my family and the fact that i don't know how to deal with parts of it.

and when i'm talking about my family, i mean more than just my hubby and my kids. i mean my parents and his parents and all of our sisters. which is tricky when you try to think about everyone together, because we're all so different.

i suppose it's something that's always been difficult, blending families through marriage. mine is a story that is just like so many others, the way i was raised and the way my husband was raised were very different. more than that is the way our families interact with each other, which is really what i'm having issues dealing with.

when i was younger, still in high school and living with my dad, i wasn't ridiculously close with my sisters. it's not that we didn't get along, it's just we had very different interests. through growing up and moving out, getting married and having kids, i haven't really gotten much closer to them because our lives are so different. that isn't to say that i don't like spending time or hanging out with them, because i do. just like i enjoy spending time with all of my parents, though it doesn't mean i feel the need to call them everyday. once a week to touch base is usually how things work with my parents and sisters and i.

not with my husband. his family, the relationship he has with his parents and sisters, is close. ridiculously close in my opinion. he calls his parents everyday, and depending on his mood he'll even call his sisters a couple of times a week to find out what is going on. and everybody in their family likes to know what is going on with everyone else. sometimes it causes conflicts, huge blow outs where they don't speak for days. but just as quickly as the drama starts, it ends. they apologize (or not), and get over whatever it was, and move on to the next thing. it might be my hubby and one of his sisters fighting, with the others expected to take sides. and the next weeks it's probably two of the girls exchanging words, with my hubby drawn into the mix.

it boggles my mind, really, how into each others lives they are. to me it seems that they don't make big decisions without running it by everyone else. or they have to share what's going on in detail. which is why, when one of them doesn't agree with the others' choice, what they've done or what they're doing, they say something and then the drama starts. i don't know why they need to share every detail, why they need to be so invested in each others' lives. if they would just focus on themselves and worry about their own little families, their own spouses and children, then maybe there wouldn't be all this constant fighting. because it seems that if it's not one of them fighting, it's the other. with calls of "why can't you just be happy for me?" or "why ask what i think if you won't listen?"

though that isn't to say that i don't sometimes wonder what it would be like if i was overly close with my own sisters, if we over-shared every intimate detail of our lives. i wonder if we would still get along like we do or if we'd fight constantly like my hubby and his sisters?

one thing i do know with 100% certainty is that, if something were to happen, if tragedy were to strike or if any of us needed something, our sisters would be there. angry words forgotten and week long silences broken. because no matter how different our relationships are with our siblings, i know that we can count on each other when we need. and that fact is more important than knowing the day to day details, or lack there of.

compare, contrast, and change... all with a side of guilt

so there's been a lot of talk of change lately. how different people are doing different things, making positive changes in their family's lives. but change is hard, and for every thing worth doing differently, i have what i feel is an equally valid reason as to why i can't change it right now.

there are those that are going totally organic, or making everything from scratch. families that are spending as much time together as possible, or setting up specific times just for family time. those that are getting rid of tvs, and some that are doing arts and crafts together everyday. and then there are those parents that are just trying to yell less and read together more. those that are cleaning and organizing their homes, or volunteering and raising money for good causes.

and then there is me. i compare myself to all these parents and i feel so inadequate. i look at all the changes they're making and the good their doing, and i think how much better off my family would be and how much happier my kids could be if i could just be more like all those other parents.

it's hard enough for me to deal with the day to day without feeling totally overwhelmed. with my dear husband working and going to school, i don't get much help at home. so it falls to me to deal with bumble and all his school works, to find time to give him all the extra help he needs. and of course lumpy needs homework help too, though thankfully he can figure most things out that he brings home himself. and then there is my dear fishie, who is now three and needs all the supervision a normal three year old needs. also and as always, it falls to me to attend to the cleaning and laundry and cooking and shopping.

and so i sit and look around me and wonder why my house is a mess and my kitchen is filled with quick to make processed foods. why, though we have tons of books, i don't have time to sit and read to my kids every day as much as they'd like. the same goes with all the craft supplies that go unused and all the easy, kid friendly recipes that go unmade and all the games we don't sit and play.

so i feel tremendous guilt. i feel like i am somehow failing my kids. that they could be happier or healthier if only i was able to squeeze more into our days, to actually find a way to make all the good changes that it seems everyone else is making. with that also comes the extra special guilt that crops up when i wonder if, had i been more in-tune with my kids, i would have been able to help bumble more. that maybe somehow all the difficulties he has with school could have been prevented if i had done more with him or gotten him help sooner or sent him to a better school that had the resources to give him the special help he needs. in the debate over nature versus nurture, maybe it was my failings at nurturing from the very beginning that caused all of this.

but then that line of thinking is exactly what goes through my head when i remember fish and all her medical fun. and it's worse with lumpy, because he ended up in the hospital twice for a week at a time with me supposedly "caring" for him. what kind of care was he getting from me exactly?

but then, this is the way it always is in my head. i compare myself to all the happy families i see, and then i think that, if it wasn't for me, my family could be that happy too. my kids could be happy and healthy and satisfied with life if they had a more together and in-tune mom. unfortunately for them, they are stuck with me and all my short comings.

and yes, i know, the glimpses i see of other families don't necessarily mean that they really and truly are happier and better off than we are. and what i'm dealing with is terrible mommy guilt. i might not be perfect, but i am trying. we might not read or play games everyday, but we make time when we can. and though i don't always have the patience to have fish help me in the kitchen, i let her help when we're taking cakes to visit family. and it's totally ok that our house doesn't look magazine perfect, because this clutter suits us better.

i like to believe that, if i asked them, my kids wouldn't trade me for any other mommy out there, even with my imperfections and all.

labels

in my past, i have been labeled many things. and because of those labels, it changed people's notions of who i was. and, even worse, i let myself be changed by them. i would try to grow into a label that didn't quite fit, instead of fighting against it or ignoring it completely, which, in hindsight, is obviously what i should have been doing all along.

so i've rallied against them. i do my best to not label people, to let them show me who they are and what they can do, instead of grouping them in with all the other people that they seem like, stamping them all with the same label, and dismissing anything extra they might possess or be. in short, i think labels are bad and i try not to use them.

and yet, i know find myself in the strange position of working hard to label my dear bumble. i want him to be rubber stamped and categorized, because that seems to be the only way he'll get the help he desperately needs.

i love him dearly, and he has many talents and strengths, but school is not one of them. not all of school, and certainly not the experience as a whole. he makes friends, delights his teachers, and sets a good example by working hard and doing his best. and honestly, he's good at math, numbers are his strong suit. it's all those pesky letters that trip him up.

last year he was in a different school. and there he learned to spell by memorizing lists of words. and it was easy to get him to practice by writing and rewriting that list, then quizzing him on it and making him write the ones he missed again. this year, at this new school, they don't use rote memorization to teach spelling, they use a phonics system. it's a system all the kids were introduced to in first grade, and bumble, who is in third, had to learn not only the new lessons but how the whole system worked.

and he just doesn't get it. and i've tried to help him, but it's one of those things in my head where things just are the way they are. like, if there is a silent e at the end of a word it makes the other vowel long, just because that's how it works. so it's hard for him to wrap his head around because i can't really explain it to him.

but it's extra hard because, for his tests, he's supposed to spell the words by saying them out loud and figure our the letter combinations by how the word sounds, all according to the phonic rule he studied that week. but how is he supposed to sound out words if he can't say them correctly? i mean, he sees a speech therapist for an hour a week because he can't sound out word like everyone else. so even though he tries his best, he's barely passing spelling.

and because he can't speak properly and sound words out, and because there also seems to be some break down in his comprehension, he is failing reading. there are levels set by the school, and there are guidelines set by the state, and he sees a reading specialist to try and help him catch up. because he isn't just a little behind, according to all the guidelines he's only reading at a second grade level. like the latest tests he took, he scored at level 20 (whatever that number really means). by the end of second grade/beginning of third, he was supposed to be a level 28. by the end of third, he supposed to be a 42 or something ridiculous. sadly, he's so far behind, i haven't even bothered to see where he's supposed to be grade level wise at this point. his brother, lumpy, who is in second grade, recently tested at level 24. bumble has started bringing home the same books his brother brought home months ago. so you can imagine how fun this is to deal with when faced with competitive brothers.

i am at a loss with all of it. i try to help him. we practice practice practice at home. he does his regular homework, his speech homework, and extra worksheets we've found to try and help him catch up. because i keep desperately hoping that something finally clicks and he just gets it. because he loves school and loves to learn and tries so hard, he definitely deserves to get it.

unfortunately, i've finally accepted that he's probably not just going to get it. that, as much as i love him, there is something not quite right going on in his brain. and so now his teachers, his specialists, and i are working toward getting him a label. because he's getting all the help they can give at school, unless he's labeled with a learning disability. because until they can say exactly what programs he needs, according to his label, then he can't have access to any of them.

this broken system breaks my heart. and as much as i don't like it, i know it's best and the right thing for him. looking toward the future, it's what needs to be done.

my adventures with ice cream cake

once upon a time, a long long time ago, i made an ice cream cake for my sister's wedding. a huge ice cream cake. the most ridiculous ice cream cake i have ever made. really though, it's not hard to call it the most ridiculous, because i'm really not in the habit of making ice cream cake.

anyway, this was certainly the biggest i've ever made, because my goal as i set out was that it would be able to feed 60 people. so that's a lot of cake. lucky for me, i happen to have a pan that would be big enough to make that many servings. as a bonus, it just fit in my freezer. i thought it would be perfect.

and then i thought some more and realized that when i normally make cakes in this giant pan, they are the regular sort, the kind that take eggs and flour and sugar and get baked in the oven. and because this pan produces such huge cakes, i have something very sturdy that i use to turn them out on: a shelf that came out of an old wall unit. seriously. it's made of particle board and covered with a plastic veneer, and whenever i use it for cakes i usually cover it with foil so it looks all shiny and pretty. but it's perfect for my cake purposes, because the board itself is not heavy, and yet it doesn't bend or warp even when traveling with a 15 pound cake (and that i know from personal experience).

but the problem is that the board would not work to turn the ice cream cake out on. i needed something that i could turn the cake onto, and then set on top of a pan full of dry ice. it had to be something that wouldn't be damaged by the extreme cold and yet would transfer that cold into the cake sitting on top of it so that the ice cream wouldn't melt. and though the board is perfect for regular cakes, wood doesn't transfer cold so well.

my mother came up with a wonderful solution, she bought a full sized sheet pan that i could use. and yet it was not a perfect solution, because a full size sheet pan is not meant to be used outside of commercial kitchens. the sheet pan was too big to fit in my freezer.

and so we had to trouble shoot some more, and figure out a solution. and eventually we did, though i'll admit it made for a less than elegant execution.

i started the ice cream cake making process by lining my huge cake pan with plastic wrap. then i took cartons of ice cream (the flavor of choice happened to be rocky road), peeled off the cardboard container and sliced it into half inch thick pieces. i laid those in the bottom of the pan, and used the heat from my hands to melt everything into one giant layer. then i covered it with more plastic wrap and put in back in the freezer to harden.

the next day i took out the pan and spread marshmallow fluff over the first layer. i used marshmallow instead of the normal fudge because i thought it worked better with the rocky road flavor. then i spread a generous layer of cookie crunchies on top of the fluff. did you know that cookie crunchies are hard to find in a regular store? and did you know, if you do have to turn to a restaurant supply store, they only sell them in 10 pound boxes? it's true, i know from experience, which is why i could be so generous with the crunchy layer. then i covered my work and put it back in the freezer to set.

once the cake was hard again, i cut more blocks of ice cream to make the bottom layer, exactly like i had done with the first layer. i then froze it overnight before i turned it out onto my cake board and covered it with white chocolate whipped cream frosting. yes, i used the wooden board, covered with parchment, because the board fit in my freezer. plus it was easier to travel with. the parchment meant that all i had to do was slide an offset spatula under it and slide it onto the full sheet pan at the reception.

it was a great plan, except for the fact that the wedding coordinator decided to be help and set the ice cream cake up. but she didn't remove the wooden board first, and by the time it was noticed, the cake had already begun to melt. not that it was really her fault, because there had been a breakdown in communication. she didn't know my plan, and i didn't know of her help. still, the cake was a hit, even though it was a bit soft. and there was more than enough to go around.

still, i don't think i'll be making another ice cream cake anytime soon. though i do have a lot of cookie crunchies on my hands. but i think i can come up with some creative uses for them.

french toast casserole

i've talked here about my love of breakfast, especially for dinner. brunch is right up there close to the top of the list of things i enjoy stuffing in my face. i've also mentioned how my dear hubby is not a fan of breakfast for dinner. or breakfast in general. in fact, i have a feeling if he could eat fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy three times a day, he'd be a very happy man.

lucky for me, my kids share my affinity for breakfast for dinner. and it just so happens that my hubby has entered a few weeks of intense schooling. like he leaves at about 1145am, goes to school all day, then to work, and doesn't return home until 3 or 4am. it's a very long day for him, and at times it's trying for me because i am forced to deal with the little godzilla known as fish all by myself. but because he doesn't eat dinner with us, the kids and i are free to eat whatever we'd like. so of course that means breakfast.

when faced with the monumental task of making breakfast for dinner, i have a few simple recipes that are easy to whip up. i've made baked oatmeal a number of times, loaded with apples and raisins, and my kids all love it. i also have a few different french toast type casseroles that are easy to assemble and then pop in the oven. really, preparing things ahead and then baking them off is totally my style, though i have made pancakes in various flavors a time or two.

when they were younger, i used to make bacon to go along with our breakfast style treats, but, as crazy as it may seem, my kids are not fans anymore. in fact, lumpy has completely lost his love of bacon, and won't eat it even if you force him. i consider not including meat in our menu as marginally healthier, seeing that most breakfast meats, like bacon and sausage, are filled with fat. and less fat from meat mean more syrup without the guilt. according to my boys, of course.

so last night, my kids and i had breakfast for dinner. and i decided to keep it simple and make a french toast casserole. this time i decided to be brave and make one without using a recipe. i've made enough french toast in my day that i figured i was up to the challenge. i also kept in mind that i wasn't just making french toast, i was making a casserole, so instead of the standard mix of eggs and milk and sugar, i threw in some mashed overly ripe bananas. because of the bananas, i decided to add cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg, to mirror my favorite banana bread recipe. i also switched out the plain sugar for brown, because i figured the richer flavor would work better, though i didn't use much because i knew my kids would be covering it with syrup. i also used whole wheat bread instead of white, because i'm trying to get my kids to eat healthier. with a splash of vanilla, i mixed everything together and let it sit overnight in the fridge. before i baked it off the next day, i mixed up a crumbly topping of brown sugar, flour, butter, and spices.

the casserole baked up beautifully, and all the kids loved it. even though i added four bananas, their flavor wasn't as pronounced as i would have liked. the casserole wasn't overly sweet on its own, which is exactly how i intended it to be, because like i knew would happen, my boys slathered their pieces with syrup. and of course, the crumbly topping was my favorite part. all in all, it was a dinner success, and so easy i can definitely repeat it for a more appropriate breakfast or brunch dish. or maybe i'll add some peanut butter and chocolate chips next time, and call it bread pudding for dessert.

let's talk birthdays and cake

so i happen to have a large nuclear family, with a random assortment of hangers-on. that fact means many things logistically. first and foremost, it means that the holidays are absolutely nuts. who we're spending which holiday with and when and how long we will be staying, it gets a little crazy. vacations are equally complicated. and birthdays, birthdays are the worst.

the problem with birthdays, as in my kids' birthdays, is that our random family is spread far across the state. so to have a huge party with all the family is complicated. it means that one side or the other will have to travel. my side doesn't have a problem traveling up town, but there aren't many good places for parties around where my in-laws live that can easily (and cheaply) accommodate so many. my parents have the space to have everybody, but not everybody is able to travel so far so, what with kids in school and people working weekends. the solution (which i hate) is that we end up having separate parties for the kids. i didn't always envision myself as a mom, but when i did, i always wanted to have all my family from both sides together to celebrate all the important times in my children's lives. and that just doesn't happen often.

but there is a plus about having such a large conglomeration of people that i get to call family, many people means many birthdays. and in my mind, a birthday is just a good excuse for cake (like i really need a good excuse). but this post happens to be about an epic cake i recently made for a joint party for my sister and one mom, so let's talk about that.

i wanted this cake to be special, and i was scouring recipes, looking for the perfect one. and then i asked my sis lots of random questions about her cake preferences. i know she doesn't like chocolate and peanut butter together, because she's crazy like that, but i also found out she doesn't have a sprinkle preference. who doesn't have a sprinkle preference? she's the first i've found. she also said she prefers vanilla cake to chocolate, which gave me a good starting point.

now i know i've talked about how i like to use cake mixes before. and vanilla cake is a kind that you can find very good mixes for. but i wanted this cake to be special, so i started researching vanilla cake recipes online. i found many, some very complicated, some much simpler, but the unifying quality in all the highest rated recipes was that they all used cake flour. which was fine by me, because this was just the excuse i needed to buy cake flour for the first time.

then, after settling on the vanilla cake recipe i was going to use, i started searching for filling and icing recipes. i knew the outside would be covered with chocolate cookie crunchies, because i had a bunch left over from the ice cream cake i made for my sister's wedding (which will be discussed in another post), and i needed to use them up. so i decided to try and make a chocolate filling of sorts. i found a recipe for a chocolate pastry cream which seemed well within my skill level, and i made that. it was delicious, and only after it was done did i realize it was also basically homemade chocolate pudding.

i wanted something a little different for the icing. because the filling was so sweet, and i didn't know how sweet the actual cake would be, i wanted something tangier for the frosting. so of course that meant making a cream cheese icing. and because i can't leave well enough alone, i added some melted white chocolate while it was beating, because i wanted a hint of chocolate in the icing to compliment the chocolate filling on the inside and the chocolate crunchies on the outside.

overall, the cake was a hit. because i wasn't paying attention, i ended over baking the cake layers, and they were a little dry. the combination of the frosting and the cookie crunchies produced a taste just like an oreo, so that might be something i'll try to replicate in the future. because it ended up being three layers, with all the filling and everything else, it was a very rich cake, and could have easily served 20. all in all, i call it a success.

oh poodles

any parent of a small child, or a child that once was small, knows one fun little fact. in truth, it's something that anyone that has come in contact with a small child for any length of time probably knows. small children are parrots. not that they hang out with pirates and eat crackers, though mine would love that. what i want to talk about here is that small ones will repeat whatever you say.

sometimes it's funny. saying complicated words and phrases, and then hearing them repeated with a cute little toddler lisp is adorable. or when you have to have a serious talk with one kid, and the little one repeats your lecture, word for word, while standing right behind you. even better is when they copy your stance, hand on hip with one finger raised. it helps to remind you that your kids are only young for so long, and maybe making a huge deal about a messy room that you've told them to clean up for the millionth time is not as world ending as you previously thought.

and their parrot skills are strange at times. hearing them say phrases out of context is weird, but when they say things that are spot on, like "that is absolutely terrible" in response to your complaints about having to put away yet another load of laundry, is even weirder.

though what i really remember from when the boys went through this stage, and it is really brought to mind with my dear fish just entering it, is that they will repeat all the things you don't want them to say. when bumble was around two, you could get him to say anything. in fact, it was his favorite game. it was cute when we'd watch old kung fu movies and he'd yell along and swing a fake sword. it was way less cute when he'd repeat at the dinner table things he might have heard me mention in traffic. and that's what dear fish is doing now: she's telling the boys that "daddy is going to kick your ass" for doing something wrong. not that it ever actually happens, but perhaps it's something she's heard the boys threatened with on more than one occasion.

and so, to combat her developing the vocabulary of a well seasoned sailor, my family and i have tried to use words that sound like the ones we really want to say. like fudge. or dumpster (my sister's favorite). and i've started to use "oh poodles" for just about everything. because even if fishie repeats poodles, it sounds innocent no matter how it comes out. unlike fudge, which if slurred by a two year old just right, still sounds like the f-word we're trying not to say.

the strange things is that now i say it even when i don't have to. even when i'm around other grown ups, or even just by myself, i still say poodles. which i guess isn't so bad, it's safer to be so used to saying it that i won't slip up and say something i shouldn't. at this stage, i'm trying to expand fish's vocabulary in good ways, with words like probably and fantastic. learning all those other words sounds like a job for poppop.