hikikomori

i did many interesting things this weekend, but the most surprisingly fun thing happened on saturday. the family and i went to this picnic party thing at the house of a fellow cubby parent, and everything went so much better than expected.

let me back up a bit and explain that i wasn't expecting the get together to be bad or anything. no, i knew from who the hostess was and some of who were going to be there, it would be a good time. i was more worried about me, and how i deal, and how absolutely bonkers i can be.

like really, most people have no idea. poor hubby does. but then he's at a loss as to how to help and what to do when i start going off about such things. so he asks what he can do, and i have no answer for him. because seriously, unless he can help me step out of my own head or magically make some xanax appear, there's not much to do but step back and let me be crazy for a bit.

and i do hate this about myself. like absolutely wish i wasn't like this. and it's hard to talk about sometimes. but then, i feel like, if this is who i am, then maybe it's best to put it out there, you know, as a warning. so that way all the normal people i meet and greet on a regular basis won't be caught off guard. and yes, i know there's therapy and doctors that help and stuff. i did that for many years, for other issues. but this social anxiety stuff, i know i can kick its butt.

because i wasn't always like this. i never liked to be the center of attention, but i knew how to handle social situations. there was always proper etiquette to fall back on, to help me know what to say and what to do. i just had to take the first step out and i was ok.

and then for a while, it was easy. i liked to be in the limelight. and i think it was because i didn't care what people thought of me. i had a close group of friends, and we loved each other, faults and all. so it didn't matter if random people thought i was a little off, because those who mattered most to me were there.

slowly, though, things and life happened. i lost touch with those i was closest to. the years slipped by and i moved and changed and adopted the role of a wife and mother. and then it wasn't so much me but we, my hubby and i.

still, for whatever reason, my brain never quite settled down. and i looked at the friends we had as his mostly and mine by association. and so i was on edge. because i was afraid i would do something or say something, and then everyone would look down on me. or i would embarrass him, which is something i never wanted to do. so i found it easier to withdraw from social situations then join in them. because if i said or did something stupid and foolish, it wasn't me that people would look at, it was him. and the very last thing i want to do in this world is make more trouble and stress for my dearest hubby. he has quite enough on his own without my help at getting more.

and so i made the brilliant realization that if i never entered into social situations, there would be no way that i could shame myself, and my family by association. so i stopped going out and doing things, which was easy enough to accomplish with the excuse that i had little ones at home to take care of. and i know there was fun i missed out on, i was regaled with stories of the adventures that happened. i didn't experience the good times, but i also didn't have to experience the stress and worry and paranoia that went along with those times either. so i was content to stay at home and "miss out."

the problem, though, is that after years of staying home and avoiding as much human contact as possible, i am out of practice. i don't know how to make small talk or deal with others or simply act in social situations any more. in avoiding the small stresses of society for years, things have gotten to the point of dizzying panic attacks when now i am forced out into the world. and i am forced out, because the boys are older and my husband is busy, so i have to pick up the slack and go and do things.

and it's my fault for avoiding this for so many years. had i just continued to subject myself to company continually, then i would have gotten used to people by now, like i used to be. instead, i chose the hermit life, which didn't last, and now i have to re-acclimate myself all over again. and though i don't like, i know i can do it, i just need people to be patient with me and my little quirks. and overlook the fact that i'll probably be over in the corner hyperventilating into a paper bag.