i've felt like this before, and it's why i left for so long. now it's the same all over again.
so many things i want to say, so many things i know i need to keep to myself.
maybe it's just that i don't like to share. maybe it's just that i've gotten myself in trouble for telling too much in the past, and i don't want to do it again. maybe, even though i feel like ranting about certain things, i still believe it's nobody's dang business. maybe i just don't want to look bad, or crazy, or bitchy, in the eyes of others.
i know i know, that's a lot of maybes.
i want to complain but i care too much about what others think.
i also want to complain, but feel like i don't have the right to say anything. i am the one that has gotten myself into this mess, so i have no one to blame but myself for this state of affairs. i'm also the only one that can really change things, so needlessly complaining would just sound whiny and annoying.
so here i am, complaining about complaining. or wanting to complain. or the fact that i want to say something but i can't.
i'm just as bad as those girls on facebook that post cryptic messages about how something's wrong but people have to guess what, or about wanting to be left alone while seeking attention. oh gods, how i hate those girls.
December 22, 2011
December 7, 2011
love is worth fighting about
this has been something that has been on my mind for a long while now.
i know they say that love is worth fighting for. that if there is something you love, something you need in your life and you just can't live without, then you need to fight to keep it. really, that's what love for me, the willingness to go against all odds to make sure you never lose the thing you love. because if you really didn't love it, you wouldn't fight to keep it so close. and you wouldn't be so upset if that thing was taken from you by forces beyond your control.
now, the flip side of that is that love is also fighting, at least when people and relationships are concerned. if you really love someone, you're going to fight with them eventually, and i personally think that is part of a healthy and normal relationship. if you don't fight, you don't love.
of course, i don't mean abuse, i don't mean physical violence, or emotional, or being overly controlling. that's not fighting. fighting is two-sided, fighting is give and take. when it is all one-sided, it is time to step back and realize that there is something very wrong and broken in your "loving" relationship.
still, fighting is good. nobody gets along all the time. nobody agrees all the time. and even those closest to us, those who's views are most similar to us, there is always going to be something there that you won't agree about. and if you don't fight about your disagreements, if you don't fight for what you believe, then it's not something important. or the person you're disagreeing with isn't that important.
maybe i have a slightly skewed view of fighting in relationships, though i feel like it's true for most of the people that i know. i really believe that everybody fights. if you can't come to an agreement, then yes, fighting is futile and harmful. but if you argue, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. i think it's more when you stop fighting that there is something to worry about. when the one you love isn't interested enough to disagree and argue and fight with you, when they just nod along to whatever you say, that's when you know the end of your relationship is near.
at least, that's what i believe. and i try to convince my husband of that whenever we start fighting. i fight because i care. it's crazy, but true.
i know they say that love is worth fighting for. that if there is something you love, something you need in your life and you just can't live without, then you need to fight to keep it. really, that's what love for me, the willingness to go against all odds to make sure you never lose the thing you love. because if you really didn't love it, you wouldn't fight to keep it so close. and you wouldn't be so upset if that thing was taken from you by forces beyond your control.
now, the flip side of that is that love is also fighting, at least when people and relationships are concerned. if you really love someone, you're going to fight with them eventually, and i personally think that is part of a healthy and normal relationship. if you don't fight, you don't love.
of course, i don't mean abuse, i don't mean physical violence, or emotional, or being overly controlling. that's not fighting. fighting is two-sided, fighting is give and take. when it is all one-sided, it is time to step back and realize that there is something very wrong and broken in your "loving" relationship.
still, fighting is good. nobody gets along all the time. nobody agrees all the time. and even those closest to us, those who's views are most similar to us, there is always going to be something there that you won't agree about. and if you don't fight about your disagreements, if you don't fight for what you believe, then it's not something important. or the person you're disagreeing with isn't that important.
maybe i have a slightly skewed view of fighting in relationships, though i feel like it's true for most of the people that i know. i really believe that everybody fights. if you can't come to an agreement, then yes, fighting is futile and harmful. but if you argue, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. i think it's more when you stop fighting that there is something to worry about. when the one you love isn't interested enough to disagree and argue and fight with you, when they just nod along to whatever you say, that's when you know the end of your relationship is near.
at least, that's what i believe. and i try to convince my husband of that whenever we start fighting. i fight because i care. it's crazy, but true.
November 24, 2011
pressure
i feel like i have pressure all around me, people pushing in from all sides. all these tasks and responsibilities that i'm supposed to do, everything i need to take care of right now!
but i can't do it all, i know i can't. i can try, and i can drive myself crazy with the stress and the worry from trying. but i really don't want to do that. i've done that for so long, and i don't want to live like that anymore.
and i know that people aren't being mean about asking all of this from me. it's just they don't realize that their one more little favor that they want and need combines with somebody else's one quick little thing that they want me to do. and then there's somebody else and somebody else. add all of that on top of all the regular day to day things that i need to do to keep my family running and there just aren't enough hours in a day.
so i'm going to try and take a break. i'm going to step back and take a breather and let a few things slide. and i'm going to try to explain to everybody that i'm just one person, that i really can't be expected to get everything done on my own. i need help. or less to do. or a vacation. you know, something to help me destress.
i need to think about me for awhile. and in doing that, i'm going to have to let a few things fall until i can come back around and pick them all up. this blog will be one of those things.
because even if i don't update every other day, which has been my goal, or even every few days, it's no big deal. even if it turns into a post a week, it's not the end of the world. i mean, it's not like anybody will notice anyway.
but i can't do it all, i know i can't. i can try, and i can drive myself crazy with the stress and the worry from trying. but i really don't want to do that. i've done that for so long, and i don't want to live like that anymore.
and i know that people aren't being mean about asking all of this from me. it's just they don't realize that their one more little favor that they want and need combines with somebody else's one quick little thing that they want me to do. and then there's somebody else and somebody else. add all of that on top of all the regular day to day things that i need to do to keep my family running and there just aren't enough hours in a day.
so i'm going to try and take a break. i'm going to step back and take a breather and let a few things slide. and i'm going to try to explain to everybody that i'm just one person, that i really can't be expected to get everything done on my own. i need help. or less to do. or a vacation. you know, something to help me destress.
i need to think about me for awhile. and in doing that, i'm going to have to let a few things fall until i can come back around and pick them all up. this blog will be one of those things.
because even if i don't update every other day, which has been my goal, or even every few days, it's no big deal. even if it turns into a post a week, it's not the end of the world. i mean, it's not like anybody will notice anyway.
November 16, 2011
happy cake day
on friday i made a cake for my mom. there was a reason for making it, but really, i was just in the mood to make a cake. had it not been a special day for my mom, i would have come up with some other excuse, like the fact that it was friday. and the weather was nice. and any excuse is a good excuse to make a cake.
this cake, though, was supposed to be for my mother. and so i wanted to make it especially for her. hence i decided to make a snickers cake, because snickers bars are one of her favorite candies. really though, i can't call it a snickers cake so much as a cake decorated with snickers.
it was a chocolate cake with caramel frosting, and i sprinkled chopped snickers bars on top. i used my favorite cake mix, pillsbury super moist chocolate, because unless i am serving the cake plain, i see no reason to make it from scratch. the pillsbury mix is always consistant, stays moist, and stands up to flipping and carving better than my favorite scratch recipe.
this time i also used a canned frosting. normally, i am totally against the icing that comes in those plastic tubs (icing, frosting, whatever you call it), because it usually has a processed flavor and a greasy finish that coats your mouth instead of melting on your tongue. but i found one that was caramel flavored, which is something i wanted to try. and to make caramel icing from scratch would have been way more work than i wanted on friday. i have to admit, i was pleasantly surprised, this frosting was not too bad, so i'll add it to the very short list of already made icings that i'm willing to use. the rest of the list is that coconut kind that goes on german chocolate cake, because whenever i've tried to make it from scratch i can never get the consistency right.
like i said, to make it a "snickers cake," i chopped up snickers bars and put them on top. had i really wanted to make it a "snickers cake," and had i thought about it ahead of time, i would have melted some snickers bars into the cake batter. or i would have put chopped snickers between the layers. or maybe threw some honey roasted peanuts into the cake batter, and spread caramel between the cake layers. so many variations, so many wasted opportunities.
still, it was a very yummy cake. and it made for a happy day. and of course, there's always next time.
this cake, though, was supposed to be for my mother. and so i wanted to make it especially for her. hence i decided to make a snickers cake, because snickers bars are one of her favorite candies. really though, i can't call it a snickers cake so much as a cake decorated with snickers.
it was a chocolate cake with caramel frosting, and i sprinkled chopped snickers bars on top. i used my favorite cake mix, pillsbury super moist chocolate, because unless i am serving the cake plain, i see no reason to make it from scratch. the pillsbury mix is always consistant, stays moist, and stands up to flipping and carving better than my favorite scratch recipe.
this time i also used a canned frosting. normally, i am totally against the icing that comes in those plastic tubs (icing, frosting, whatever you call it), because it usually has a processed flavor and a greasy finish that coats your mouth instead of melting on your tongue. but i found one that was caramel flavored, which is something i wanted to try. and to make caramel icing from scratch would have been way more work than i wanted on friday. i have to admit, i was pleasantly surprised, this frosting was not too bad, so i'll add it to the very short list of already made icings that i'm willing to use. the rest of the list is that coconut kind that goes on german chocolate cake, because whenever i've tried to make it from scratch i can never get the consistency right.
like i said, to make it a "snickers cake," i chopped up snickers bars and put them on top. had i really wanted to make it a "snickers cake," and had i thought about it ahead of time, i would have melted some snickers bars into the cake batter. or i would have put chopped snickers between the layers. or maybe threw some honey roasted peanuts into the cake batter, and spread caramel between the cake layers. so many variations, so many wasted opportunities.
still, it was a very yummy cake. and it made for a happy day. and of course, there's always next time.
November 15, 2011
it's candy time
every year, i make candy for the holidays. part of the reason behind it is because it's a cheap and easy gift. part of it is because some of the people on my holiday list are impossible to shop for, and candy is something that is a hit. a large part of the reason i make candy is because i truly enjoy making it, and this way i can make it and give it away to grateful people without having to worry about it hanging around the house for me to eat myself.
normally, at this time of year, i would be worrying and thinking about and obsessing over pie. for the past five years, i have been in charge of making pies for thanksgiving dinner, and so i start at the end of october thinking about the different variations of pies, what little tweaks i'll try, which crust recipe i'll use. the reason is because for the past five years, we have been going to my in-laws' for thanksgiving dinner, and though she is an amazing cook, my mother-in-law lacks some skill in the baking department.
this year things are all turned around. this year we will be doing thanksgiving with my extended family, because this year we will be doing christmas weekend with my in-laws. so instead of being able to use pies as a distraction, i have filled that hole with thoughts of candy.
yesterday, i started the process with a test batch of chocolate peanut butter fudge. it didn't come out how i hoped, but i have weeks yet to perfect it. i'm still drawing up my final list of types to make, and there are a few more test batches i want to try. i still need to get my list of recipes together so i can get my ingredients from the store, but i have time. i might not be in the mood to really count down to christmas this year, but i'm always in the mood for candy.
normally, at this time of year, i would be worrying and thinking about and obsessing over pie. for the past five years, i have been in charge of making pies for thanksgiving dinner, and so i start at the end of october thinking about the different variations of pies, what little tweaks i'll try, which crust recipe i'll use. the reason is because for the past five years, we have been going to my in-laws' for thanksgiving dinner, and though she is an amazing cook, my mother-in-law lacks some skill in the baking department.
this year things are all turned around. this year we will be doing thanksgiving with my extended family, because this year we will be doing christmas weekend with my in-laws. so instead of being able to use pies as a distraction, i have filled that hole with thoughts of candy.
yesterday, i started the process with a test batch of chocolate peanut butter fudge. it didn't come out how i hoped, but i have weeks yet to perfect it. i'm still drawing up my final list of types to make, and there are a few more test batches i want to try. i still need to get my list of recipes together so i can get my ingredients from the store, but i have time. i might not be in the mood to really count down to christmas this year, but i'm always in the mood for candy.
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