sometimes i think i am a horrible person. which is so random, because i really try to be nice to everybody. and even though i might not like everybody, i at least try to get to know them. i've been known to make excuses for people, forgiving their behavior, because i believe there is good in everyone.
and yet i think the worst thoughts about people. mean, awful, degrading things. rude and inappropriate comments, belittling statements, just outright horrible stuff.
but i don't say any of it out loud. and yet i feel bad about even thinking it. like the super nice people that i know are totally nice on the outside and the inside. and i, on the other hand, am a scumbag of a human, thinking such awful things about random people.
which really isn't so awful. because i'm pretty sure everybody thinks stuff they know they shouldn't say in polite society. and so they don't. because as grown up type people we don't have to say everything that comes to mind. it's what makes us civilized and mature.
still, i feel bad about how mean i can be. and from that i begin to think that there must be something wrong with me, because nice people don't have such awful thoughts. so maybe i'm not really the nice person i thought i was. maybe i'm a mean person, and everybody around me is too nice to say anything. and everybody just tolerates me because that's what nice people really do. and they all just feel bad for me, but still wish me well. and sometimes they shake their heads sadly at my downfall, because even though this is how i turned out, they still remember when i had such potential to be a wonderful human being and i've just gone and let them all down.
and yeah, i know that's not what's really going on, though sometimes a part of me thinks that it might be. that i am not nice enough or good enough, smart enough or cool enough, and the only reason people even talk to me is because of my dear husband. because if it wasn't for him, i'd be sad and pathetically all alone.
August 2, 2012
August 1, 2012
my thoughts on politics
it's an election year, just in case you didn't know. and i am not very political. in fact, i have a dirty little secret that might shock some.
i don't vote.
seriously, i don't see a point in it. i vaguely follow the campaigns, the speeches and debates and commercials, but i just don't care. it all seems so pointless to me. there have been candidates that, had i been registered, i probably would have voted for. but then they either didn't win or didn't follow through on all their fancy "campaign promises" that i don't feel guilty at all for not getting out there. because even if i made my voice heard, it doesn't mean that i will be listened to. and it doesn't mean that those politicians will actually do what they say they will do anyway.
the other side of my lack of caring touches more on the unbalanced side of me. i don't deal with confrontation well. in fact, i try not to deal with it at all. and when it comes to politics, there is much confrontation.
it seems to me that everybody picks sides, who they think will win and who best represents them, and then tries to get the other side to admit that they are wrong. and i don't understand how one side can be right, can know exactly how to fix all of our problems, and the other side be wrong. because i personally believe that we all need to work together to make everything flow, and every november, especially when the presidential race is involved, it seems to me that there is less a desire to work together and more a need to explain short comings and point fingers.
yes, there are certain things that i believe that i know not everybody agrees with. and some of those things are topics that candidates have taken a stand on. so there are people running who better represent my view points. still, in the long run, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference who gets put in office.
i know i have more of a hopeless, bleak outlook. but i think that some of the problems in this country are more of society's fault and not the government. it is our mentality as a people, and not those making the rules, that are at fault. and so i don't think it matters who holds the power, because if we continue to teach our children the values of hate and discrimination and greed and vanity, then things aren't going to change. it starts with grown ups needing to make themselves better role models for the youth of the nation, and elections won't fix that.
i don't vote.
seriously, i don't see a point in it. i vaguely follow the campaigns, the speeches and debates and commercials, but i just don't care. it all seems so pointless to me. there have been candidates that, had i been registered, i probably would have voted for. but then they either didn't win or didn't follow through on all their fancy "campaign promises" that i don't feel guilty at all for not getting out there. because even if i made my voice heard, it doesn't mean that i will be listened to. and it doesn't mean that those politicians will actually do what they say they will do anyway.
the other side of my lack of caring touches more on the unbalanced side of me. i don't deal with confrontation well. in fact, i try not to deal with it at all. and when it comes to politics, there is much confrontation.
it seems to me that everybody picks sides, who they think will win and who best represents them, and then tries to get the other side to admit that they are wrong. and i don't understand how one side can be right, can know exactly how to fix all of our problems, and the other side be wrong. because i personally believe that we all need to work together to make everything flow, and every november, especially when the presidential race is involved, it seems to me that there is less a desire to work together and more a need to explain short comings and point fingers.
yes, there are certain things that i believe that i know not everybody agrees with. and some of those things are topics that candidates have taken a stand on. so there are people running who better represent my view points. still, in the long run, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference who gets put in office.
i know i have more of a hopeless, bleak outlook. but i think that some of the problems in this country are more of society's fault and not the government. it is our mentality as a people, and not those making the rules, that are at fault. and so i don't think it matters who holds the power, because if we continue to teach our children the values of hate and discrimination and greed and vanity, then things aren't going to change. it starts with grown ups needing to make themselves better role models for the youth of the nation, and elections won't fix that.
otakon
so this past weekend, i went to otakon with my hubby and a bunch of our friends. it was my third year going, and it was wonderful as always.
and of course, it was awful, because i couldn't leave my brain at home and fully enjoy myself.
we went with friends that we used to spend tons of time with. but since we've moved out of the jtown area, we see them less and less. and sometimes, even when we are in town, we're so busy doing the family thing, we don't get to see them at all. and so, it was very nice to be able to spend some grown up times hanging out and doing all the things we like that we don't normally get to do.
let me back up a sec and make sure everybody realizes that this is a huge social gathering of freaks and geeks, all the nerds enjoying themselves with all the subversive activities the normal crowd doesn't understand. and i love it. it is a weekend to be free and have fun and talk to other enthusiasts about all the things i love, people who understand and share in my obsession with fictional characters, how amazing it is to meet the people to make the work you love, and how fantastic it is just to see someone else get overly excited about the random. it's a time to dress up and pretend and to leave the real world behind.
but like i said, i can't leave the real world behind. as much as i'd love to completely forget things for a while, it always follows me. so even when i'm having a truly interesting conversation with friends, i still occasionally realize that people are actually listening to the things that are coming out of my mouth. and even though i've known these people for years, words still fail me when i get random bouts of stage fright. and so i trail off, sometimes mid-sentence, and instead of making a fabulous point, i mumble incoherently and vow to remember to keep my mouth shut next time. or, even more amusing to the detached part of my brain, is to watch when a bit of mania takes hold, and then i begin to ramble a mile a minute, part of me shouting to shut up. and when i'm done i'm always left with a feeling of shame and embarrassment, of why oh why did i say that?
so while i did enjoy myself very much this past weekend, i still left with feelings of regrets. of how i must have been so stupid and foolish, and all my friends are too polite to tell me what they really think.
in truth, i'm sure, no one noticed anything too out of the ordinary. and it was all in my head, as it usually is.
and of course, it was awful, because i couldn't leave my brain at home and fully enjoy myself.
we went with friends that we used to spend tons of time with. but since we've moved out of the jtown area, we see them less and less. and sometimes, even when we are in town, we're so busy doing the family thing, we don't get to see them at all. and so, it was very nice to be able to spend some grown up times hanging out and doing all the things we like that we don't normally get to do.
let me back up a sec and make sure everybody realizes that this is a huge social gathering of freaks and geeks, all the nerds enjoying themselves with all the subversive activities the normal crowd doesn't understand. and i love it. it is a weekend to be free and have fun and talk to other enthusiasts about all the things i love, people who understand and share in my obsession with fictional characters, how amazing it is to meet the people to make the work you love, and how fantastic it is just to see someone else get overly excited about the random. it's a time to dress up and pretend and to leave the real world behind.
but like i said, i can't leave the real world behind. as much as i'd love to completely forget things for a while, it always follows me. so even when i'm having a truly interesting conversation with friends, i still occasionally realize that people are actually listening to the things that are coming out of my mouth. and even though i've known these people for years, words still fail me when i get random bouts of stage fright. and so i trail off, sometimes mid-sentence, and instead of making a fabulous point, i mumble incoherently and vow to remember to keep my mouth shut next time. or, even more amusing to the detached part of my brain, is to watch when a bit of mania takes hold, and then i begin to ramble a mile a minute, part of me shouting to shut up. and when i'm done i'm always left with a feeling of shame and embarrassment, of why oh why did i say that?
so while i did enjoy myself very much this past weekend, i still left with feelings of regrets. of how i must have been so stupid and foolish, and all my friends are too polite to tell me what they really think.
in truth, i'm sure, no one noticed anything too out of the ordinary. and it was all in my head, as it usually is.
"long time gone"
so it's been a while since i've posted. yeah, it's been a very long time since i feel like i've done anything constructive with my time.
and honestly, i know exactly what the problem is. to borrow some words of a friend, i just don't have my head screwed on right.
i've got all this stuff, these words and thoughts and feelings, rolling around my head constantly. i'm distracted, i'm not sleeping well, and i just don't know what to do about it. some of it is simple stress and worry from the day to day that is going on. but some of it, some of it are the old words, the words i've been trying to leave behind, the thoughts that i know aren't true and aren't real and don't serve any purpose. and yet, it's hard to get them out of my head. just admitting and acknowledging gives these thoughts power.
i used to be able to work through things, in my own time and in my own way, and then i would be able to get over and get past all the darkness going on in my head. but this time, it's not working. i am trying, but it's hard. and sometimes i am tired. and sometimes the whisperings in the dark sound reasonable and make sense. and maybe those crazy little thoughts are right.
they're not, i know they're not. but i wished they'd just shut up sometimes.
and so, with everything going on, it's been hard to concentrate on anything beyond the concrete. i've been pushing through to keep up with the day to day. still, i know things are falling and being forgotten.
so this is what we're going to do, i'm going to try and post more. seriously. i mean, i know i've said that before, but this time i'm going to take a different approach. instead of writing happy little snippets of still life, all the things i normally share that i think help to make me look good or normal, i'm going full on crazy. i'm going to use this as a public place to work out my demons. it'll be honest, it'll be real, and it'll be very different.
and after i work through what i need to, if you've stuck by me through all of it, hopefully we can move on to the fun stuff. you know, like sugar.
and honestly, i know exactly what the problem is. to borrow some words of a friend, i just don't have my head screwed on right.
i've got all this stuff, these words and thoughts and feelings, rolling around my head constantly. i'm distracted, i'm not sleeping well, and i just don't know what to do about it. some of it is simple stress and worry from the day to day that is going on. but some of it, some of it are the old words, the words i've been trying to leave behind, the thoughts that i know aren't true and aren't real and don't serve any purpose. and yet, it's hard to get them out of my head. just admitting and acknowledging gives these thoughts power.
i used to be able to work through things, in my own time and in my own way, and then i would be able to get over and get past all the darkness going on in my head. but this time, it's not working. i am trying, but it's hard. and sometimes i am tired. and sometimes the whisperings in the dark sound reasonable and make sense. and maybe those crazy little thoughts are right.
they're not, i know they're not. but i wished they'd just shut up sometimes.
and so, with everything going on, it's been hard to concentrate on anything beyond the concrete. i've been pushing through to keep up with the day to day. still, i know things are falling and being forgotten.
so this is what we're going to do, i'm going to try and post more. seriously. i mean, i know i've said that before, but this time i'm going to take a different approach. instead of writing happy little snippets of still life, all the things i normally share that i think help to make me look good or normal, i'm going full on crazy. i'm going to use this as a public place to work out my demons. it'll be honest, it'll be real, and it'll be very different.
and after i work through what i need to, if you've stuck by me through all of it, hopefully we can move on to the fun stuff. you know, like sugar.
June 27, 2012
absence makes the heart grow fonder
i love my kids, i really do. they are my world. honestly, that statement is more true than i'd like, sometimes. in the eyes of many, i am a stay at home mom and nothing else. so without my children beside me, what does that make me?
at the moment, i'm not sure what it makes me. every summer, we pack my boys off to spend a few weeks with my in-laws. they live up town, a few hours away, and though we usually visit at least once a month throughout the year, it's never enough time for everybody to do all the things they want to do. and so, when school lets out, and when cub scout camp is done, they go and visit without my hubby and i. and this year, fish went too.
it's great for them, because without me there, they don't really have to follow my rules. though it's funny to hear them talk on the phone, because i can tell the certain routines we've established that they still try to follow, the ones that don't work in any place but home. but they get to stay up late and drink sugary drinks and watch all sorts of tv shows they're not allowed to watch at home. but what my boys love is that they get to go fishing and camping and ride their atvs, all the outdoor stuff they love to do that, unfortunately, we get too busy to do at home sometimes. so for them, these weeks spent away are a great vacation.
they're great for me, too. there are so many things that i put off doing because i just wasn't able to get it done with all the kids and their little grabby fingers here. things that i bought to do all the way back in december, projects i'm finally able to tackle. and there are still boxes i'm unpacking, which just goes so much faster when you don't have to stop for drinks or diaper changes or to break up fights. these weeks are my one time off i get each year, the only time i get more than 24 hours without my kids, where i can be home and do work.
it's nice for me. it's something i look forward to. it's something i desperately need some times. people throw around a lot of terms about parenting, attachment and helicopter, the french method and the tiger moms, discipline styles and punishment types, and it all makes my head spin sometimes. the thing is, i don't really feel i have a choice in the way that i parent, though maybe i do and i'm just lazy and not creative enough to see it. the truth is that i am home with my kids all the time, and if we go anywhere, we go there all together. so if they need something, i know. and if they have an issue, i am there to deal with it right away instead of them trying to work things out on their own. and as far as fish is concerned, i am here for her, always here for her, so whether it's 7pm or 3am, she just walks over and gets my attention to try and get what she wants.
and it's hard, and it's exhausting. and it's especially difficult to get others to understand what it's like. because unless i sit and pretend i don't see them, they just keep bugging me and yelling and screaming until they get my attention. or if i do ignore them, any of them, and they get the hint to go off and do their own thing, five minutes later it usually gets worse. conflict resolution is not a strong point for any of my kids, but then they've never had a chance to practice it, because they always have me. and i have talked to doctors and such, and they've said that sometimes, especially with fish, sometimes it's not so much that she wants or needs, but rather she likes to watch me jump.
that's why these weeks away have been hard on her, especially in the beginning. she wanted to come home, and was screaming and crying and throwing fits. and my dear mother-in-law said she was fine, that she would tell hubby and i when it was enough and we needed to come and get our little girl. because though everybody up there loves her, they won't carry her or hold her or cuddle her like i do. which i know, at this age, i don't need to do, but sometimes it's just easier to stop what i'm doing and put everything away to hold her than to listen to her screaming for ten minutes.
though some said they can't understand why i don't miss all the kids and want to go get them. and i do miss them. but sometimes i miss the ability to sit and watch a movie without having to pause it ten times. or i miss being able to get projects done that i've been putting off simply because i wouldn't be able to focus on them. sometimes i miss reading all the books i have, the ones with lots of words and no picutres. mostly i miss getting to take more than a five minute shower. and sleeping in. and not having to share whatever it is that i'm eating, and actually enjoy my food.
i love being a mom. but i also love doing activities that don't define me as such. and i miss all my kids, and i know they miss me, but i also know this is good for all of us. we all need distance to grow, and time by ourselves to be who we are as ourselves and not just as an extension of somebody else.
at the moment, i'm not sure what it makes me. every summer, we pack my boys off to spend a few weeks with my in-laws. they live up town, a few hours away, and though we usually visit at least once a month throughout the year, it's never enough time for everybody to do all the things they want to do. and so, when school lets out, and when cub scout camp is done, they go and visit without my hubby and i. and this year, fish went too.
it's great for them, because without me there, they don't really have to follow my rules. though it's funny to hear them talk on the phone, because i can tell the certain routines we've established that they still try to follow, the ones that don't work in any place but home. but they get to stay up late and drink sugary drinks and watch all sorts of tv shows they're not allowed to watch at home. but what my boys love is that they get to go fishing and camping and ride their atvs, all the outdoor stuff they love to do that, unfortunately, we get too busy to do at home sometimes. so for them, these weeks spent away are a great vacation.
they're great for me, too. there are so many things that i put off doing because i just wasn't able to get it done with all the kids and their little grabby fingers here. things that i bought to do all the way back in december, projects i'm finally able to tackle. and there are still boxes i'm unpacking, which just goes so much faster when you don't have to stop for drinks or diaper changes or to break up fights. these weeks are my one time off i get each year, the only time i get more than 24 hours without my kids, where i can be home and do work.
it's nice for me. it's something i look forward to. it's something i desperately need some times. people throw around a lot of terms about parenting, attachment and helicopter, the french method and the tiger moms, discipline styles and punishment types, and it all makes my head spin sometimes. the thing is, i don't really feel i have a choice in the way that i parent, though maybe i do and i'm just lazy and not creative enough to see it. the truth is that i am home with my kids all the time, and if we go anywhere, we go there all together. so if they need something, i know. and if they have an issue, i am there to deal with it right away instead of them trying to work things out on their own. and as far as fish is concerned, i am here for her, always here for her, so whether it's 7pm or 3am, she just walks over and gets my attention to try and get what she wants.
and it's hard, and it's exhausting. and it's especially difficult to get others to understand what it's like. because unless i sit and pretend i don't see them, they just keep bugging me and yelling and screaming until they get my attention. or if i do ignore them, any of them, and they get the hint to go off and do their own thing, five minutes later it usually gets worse. conflict resolution is not a strong point for any of my kids, but then they've never had a chance to practice it, because they always have me. and i have talked to doctors and such, and they've said that sometimes, especially with fish, sometimes it's not so much that she wants or needs, but rather she likes to watch me jump.
that's why these weeks away have been hard on her, especially in the beginning. she wanted to come home, and was screaming and crying and throwing fits. and my dear mother-in-law said she was fine, that she would tell hubby and i when it was enough and we needed to come and get our little girl. because though everybody up there loves her, they won't carry her or hold her or cuddle her like i do. which i know, at this age, i don't need to do, but sometimes it's just easier to stop what i'm doing and put everything away to hold her than to listen to her screaming for ten minutes.
though some said they can't understand why i don't miss all the kids and want to go get them. and i do miss them. but sometimes i miss the ability to sit and watch a movie without having to pause it ten times. or i miss being able to get projects done that i've been putting off simply because i wouldn't be able to focus on them. sometimes i miss reading all the books i have, the ones with lots of words and no picutres. mostly i miss getting to take more than a five minute shower. and sleeping in. and not having to share whatever it is that i'm eating, and actually enjoy my food.
i love being a mom. but i also love doing activities that don't define me as such. and i miss all my kids, and i know they miss me, but i also know this is good for all of us. we all need distance to grow, and time by ourselves to be who we are as ourselves and not just as an extension of somebody else.
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