there are two things that happened yesterday that have been swirling around in my head today. both are rather upsetting to me, but one more so because i think i'm just looking at it wrong. it's something that i thought i was past, but just keeps coming up in unexpected ways.
i love my bumble, i really do, but yesterday he made me cry. he is the sweetest kid in the whole wide world, and he was just being that wonderful kid that he is, but somehow he can get in my head and remind me of things that i try to forget. and the worst thing is that i know he has no idea, so i try not to be upset in front of him. his innocence is one of his most beautiful qualities, and i don't want to ruin that in him.
with thanksgiving next week, there have been a lot of turkey projects coming home from school. i knew they'd continue with going over the things they are thankful for, it's a staple, and both boys talked about it way back in preschool. lumpy already brought home a picture he drew of him and his dad, though i secretly believe the only reason he's more thankful for his dad than for me is because i don't have cool video games i let him play. yesterday bumble brought home a paper with a paragraph that he wrote all by himself about the things he's thankful for. he said he was thankful for his dad, because his dad is awesome. he also said he was thankful for me because i am just like him. that was it, that's what got me so upset, that little phrase is what made me cry.
i guess i need to go further back and explain a few things so you too can understand. growing up i never really wondered about my future. i never really planned for things or thought about what i might be when i grew up. i definitely never expected to be in the position i find myself in now, married with three children. the full truth is that i never saw myself getting married, but more than that is that i never wanted kids, never not ever. part of it was that i didn't think i would be a very good mom, which i still have doubts about to this day. more than that was because i've heard people say that kids will grow up to be like their parents, and i never wanted to curse my children with having to grow up and be like me. i really hated myself for a long period of my life, and the thought of bringing another life into this world just to have to go through all that i did, to deal with the delusions and craziness and doubt, it just didn't seem fair. i wouldn't wish this on anybody. so if there was the smallest of chances that my kids would be anything at all like me, i didn't want to take it. it didn't seem worth the risk.
the years have passed since then. i met a wonderful man that helped to introduce me to the concept of self worth. of course i married him so nobody else could get their hands on him. we've never had much as far as worldly possessions go, but he has always promised that he would make me really and truly happy, and really what more could i ask for in him? he's always wanted children, and he convinced me that it wouldn't be such a horrifying and terrible idea, and we gave it a try. three kids later and i'm beginning to believe him. still, i worry and i wonder if our kids will be like me, burdened with all the darkness that i struggled with. i really hope not, but still i sometimes see glimpses of myself in them.
though i suppose it's not all bad that bumble is like me. he definitely got my insatiable curiosity. and some of my caring and empathy. we share the same wacky sense of humor. and i'd like to think that the fact that he tries so hard and is always ready to experience something new is partially due to my influences. as he grows and goes out and explores this great wide world of ours i know he'll change, he'll turn more into the person that he is meant to be, that he'll never be a carbon copy of me. i have a funny feeling, for good or for bad, i'll always see a bit of myself in him, but i'll love him anyway.
November 18, 2010
November 17, 2010
ready, set, bake!
it happened again. yup, another baked good magically appear in my oven yesterday. maybe those little cookie making elves live under my house, making pies and cakes, using up all my butter and sugar. yeah, it's totally elves, and that's what i'll say next time i make something horrible, i'll just blame the elves. and not the nice christmas ones, those ones that help santa, they rock. and so i would like for them to make me a new throw rug to match my curtains in my living room, and a can opener, and new boots. am i too old for a christmas list to santa? maybe we'll just play quid pro quo with the awesome cookies i plan on leaving out this year.
anyway, yes, i really did make another pie yesterday. but it was an experiment, for science! (i can't help but think of portal every time i say that, probably why i say it so often) i know i'm using that as an excuse for all my baking these days, but this was legitimately to try out a new crust recipe. see, next week, maybe tuesday if i'm lucky, maybe 9pm monday night if i'm not, my hubby and kiddies and i are going to visit our in-laws for thanksgiving. and since the kids don't have school for a whole week (really not sure what that's about, and the fact that they're in elementary school and get the monday after thanksgiving, better known as "first day of deer season" 'round these parts off too) we are planning on visiting my hubby's family for a whole week. i actually don't mind going to visit, though i won't enjoy leaving at 9pm because, since i hit a deer, driving at night through the mountains makes me more than nervous. though since we are planning on leaving so early in the week, and i am the one making desserts for the big day, i'll have to do my baking up town so things stay fresh and yummy for thursday. or knowing my family, so things last and don't get eaten before thursday.
so most of the baking i've been doing has been in preparation for the event next week. thanksgiving is a big deal to me, it really is my favorite holiday. and because i am prone to stress and freaking out, i thought it best that i go into things as set and ready as i possibly can be. which is why i've been testing things, trying to find what i can do ahead, and what are the easiest recipes to use that still taste awesome. all my practice has totally been worth it too, because i have found a crust recipe that remains flaky and crisp, but actually gets prepared ahead of time and stored in the freezer.
to test this i made the dough on monday and left it in my freezer over night. i was worried because it seems like a very loose and sticky dough, but freezing it must have done the trick, because though it did take some extra flour to roll it out, and even though it did break and crack in a few places, i was able to patch it up without much trouble and get it in my pie tin pretty easily. it baked up well, didn't really brown too much and i hadn't even remembered to cover it with foil, which was a plus. it remained flaky, even now it's still nice and crisp after being stored in my fridge overnight. so i think i found a winner of a pie crust, something that i can make here and just roll out when i start baking next week. one less thing to worry about is always very good.
of course, in testing out a pie crust, i figured i might as well test out a pie recipe while i'm at it. and i think i have finally found a pecan pie that i can love. it's crunchy and creamy and sweet but not too sweet, and it's oh so easy to put together. it's almost sad, because i have been scouring websites and cook books, and the recipe i settle on using is the one that my mommom has used for ages. her pies at thanksgiving were always the highlight of the day, and i was never quite able to replicate them. finally though, i learned her secret, and it couldn't be more simple. her wonderful and fabulous pecan pie recipe, oh so good that it deserves to be passed down through the generations, is the one off the back of the karo dark corn syrup bottle. i'm still not quite sure what to think about that, but at least the pie is good.
anyway, yes, i really did make another pie yesterday. but it was an experiment, for science! (i can't help but think of portal every time i say that, probably why i say it so often) i know i'm using that as an excuse for all my baking these days, but this was legitimately to try out a new crust recipe. see, next week, maybe tuesday if i'm lucky, maybe 9pm monday night if i'm not, my hubby and kiddies and i are going to visit our in-laws for thanksgiving. and since the kids don't have school for a whole week (really not sure what that's about, and the fact that they're in elementary school and get the monday after thanksgiving, better known as "first day of deer season" 'round these parts off too) we are planning on visiting my hubby's family for a whole week. i actually don't mind going to visit, though i won't enjoy leaving at 9pm because, since i hit a deer, driving at night through the mountains makes me more than nervous. though since we are planning on leaving so early in the week, and i am the one making desserts for the big day, i'll have to do my baking up town so things stay fresh and yummy for thursday. or knowing my family, so things last and don't get eaten before thursday.
so most of the baking i've been doing has been in preparation for the event next week. thanksgiving is a big deal to me, it really is my favorite holiday. and because i am prone to stress and freaking out, i thought it best that i go into things as set and ready as i possibly can be. which is why i've been testing things, trying to find what i can do ahead, and what are the easiest recipes to use that still taste awesome. all my practice has totally been worth it too, because i have found a crust recipe that remains flaky and crisp, but actually gets prepared ahead of time and stored in the freezer.
to test this i made the dough on monday and left it in my freezer over night. i was worried because it seems like a very loose and sticky dough, but freezing it must have done the trick, because though it did take some extra flour to roll it out, and even though it did break and crack in a few places, i was able to patch it up without much trouble and get it in my pie tin pretty easily. it baked up well, didn't really brown too much and i hadn't even remembered to cover it with foil, which was a plus. it remained flaky, even now it's still nice and crisp after being stored in my fridge overnight. so i think i found a winner of a pie crust, something that i can make here and just roll out when i start baking next week. one less thing to worry about is always very good.
of course, in testing out a pie crust, i figured i might as well test out a pie recipe while i'm at it. and i think i have finally found a pecan pie that i can love. it's crunchy and creamy and sweet but not too sweet, and it's oh so easy to put together. it's almost sad, because i have been scouring websites and cook books, and the recipe i settle on using is the one that my mommom has used for ages. her pies at thanksgiving were always the highlight of the day, and i was never quite able to replicate them. finally though, i learned her secret, and it couldn't be more simple. her wonderful and fabulous pecan pie recipe, oh so good that it deserves to be passed down through the generations, is the one off the back of the karo dark corn syrup bottle. i'm still not quite sure what to think about that, but at least the pie is good.
November 14, 2010
my fantasy
it's official, i need new friends. friends that live closer to me and enjoy fancy food. and eating off of a salad plate set on a dinner plate set on a charger. and napkins with napkin rings. and eating by candle light.
ok, basically i need friends that like dinner parties. because with all the holiday recipes floating around, and all the cute little appetizer recipes and quick meal ideas and how to make food look fancy and still be easy to prepare, i really want to host a dinner party. so that's why i need new friends that want to come to dinner parties, and then host one themselves and invite me over too.
also, i need a new kitchen. because my kitchen is too small for a dinner party. invariably, while finishing up last minute touches, my charming friends will wander into the kitchen with their glasses of fine wine, chatting lively to keep me company. they'll ask if i need any help, and i'll wow them with my culinary skills, showing that i have absolutely everything under control.
ok, so i think i need a dining room too, or a house that has a dining room. and then i need a dining room table, something nice that can convert from seating 6 to something that can handle a seating for 12 comfortably.
i suppose then i also need money to buy the food to make in my new kitchen that i plan on serving in my new dining room to all my new friends. and maybe a nice outfit to wear, something chic and comfortable. and an apron to match, so everyone will be amazed at my coordination skills.
alright alright, maybe i just need a new fantasy. and to stop watching all these cooking shows. but still, a girl can dream, right?
ok, basically i need friends that like dinner parties. because with all the holiday recipes floating around, and all the cute little appetizer recipes and quick meal ideas and how to make food look fancy and still be easy to prepare, i really want to host a dinner party. so that's why i need new friends that want to come to dinner parties, and then host one themselves and invite me over too.
also, i need a new kitchen. because my kitchen is too small for a dinner party. invariably, while finishing up last minute touches, my charming friends will wander into the kitchen with their glasses of fine wine, chatting lively to keep me company. they'll ask if i need any help, and i'll wow them with my culinary skills, showing that i have absolutely everything under control.
ok, so i think i need a dining room too, or a house that has a dining room. and then i need a dining room table, something nice that can convert from seating 6 to something that can handle a seating for 12 comfortably.
i suppose then i also need money to buy the food to make in my new kitchen that i plan on serving in my new dining room to all my new friends. and maybe a nice outfit to wear, something chic and comfortable. and an apron to match, so everyone will be amazed at my coordination skills.
alright alright, maybe i just need a new fantasy. and to stop watching all these cooking shows. but still, a girl can dream, right?
November 13, 2010
dear tom turkey, this year please bring me happiness and peace on earth...
it's already mid november. where did the month go? i'm so not ready for the up coming holiday season. not christmas though, i'm totally ready for christmas. really, i'm totally ready for christmas to be over.
it's not that i don't like christmas, i really do. and seeing my kiddies faces light up christmas morning is the best. and spending time with all my family is pretty great too. it's like one of the few times of year that i know everybody will be nice and pleasant and there'll be no real drama from any side. i even have most of my shopping done, thanks to layaway. and what we haven't bought yet we already have planned out, we know what we're getting when. so really, there's not much stress with christmas coming this year. we already know when we're making cookies, when we're digging out all our decorations, and how we're putting everything up so that a little fishie doesn't try to eat the train set.
so yeah, i'm ready for christmas, that's not really a stress to me. no, i'm more worried about thanksgiving. yeah, i know i'm not the one hosting the dinner this year. i haven't been able to host a big holiday meal for many years, which i really miss being able to do. but i know i'm going to have to help make the food, which i enjoy, and i know i'm going to have to help get everything set up, which, with my obsessive need for organization, i'm pretty good at. it's more like, as oppposed to christmas, where everybody tries to get together and be nice and pleasant to each other, thanksgiving is a day of issues.
it's always stress when my family gets together, even under normal circumstances they don't really get along all the time. something comes up, somebody says something that people take offense to, and it starts. the worst part is that people keep things going. sometimes i think that they store up past hurts just to bring up in the heat of an argument, trying to make the other person feel as bad as possible, or guilty, or they want people to side with them. i don't know, i just don't get it.
one of the things i really love about my hubby is that even when we disagree, even when we fight or really get into it, we get everything out and move on. if we do have an argument, it's over whatever is happening at that moment, we don't dredge up past hurts and slights. and then when we've worked it out or just agreed to disagree, we drop it and move on and don't feel the need to bring it up again. i wish the rest of my family could be like that, it would make the holidays so much more pleasant.
i guess that's really it, why i'm really so apprehensive about thanksgiving. every year we always say things will be different, and every year it's always the same. maybe it's blind hope, or maybe it's because that thanksgiving really is my most favorite holiday, but i still think that maybe, possibly, there is a chance for this year to be different, for this year to be better. if nothing else, i know the pies i make will be delicious.
it's not that i don't like christmas, i really do. and seeing my kiddies faces light up christmas morning is the best. and spending time with all my family is pretty great too. it's like one of the few times of year that i know everybody will be nice and pleasant and there'll be no real drama from any side. i even have most of my shopping done, thanks to layaway. and what we haven't bought yet we already have planned out, we know what we're getting when. so really, there's not much stress with christmas coming this year. we already know when we're making cookies, when we're digging out all our decorations, and how we're putting everything up so that a little fishie doesn't try to eat the train set.
so yeah, i'm ready for christmas, that's not really a stress to me. no, i'm more worried about thanksgiving. yeah, i know i'm not the one hosting the dinner this year. i haven't been able to host a big holiday meal for many years, which i really miss being able to do. but i know i'm going to have to help make the food, which i enjoy, and i know i'm going to have to help get everything set up, which, with my obsessive need for organization, i'm pretty good at. it's more like, as oppposed to christmas, where everybody tries to get together and be nice and pleasant to each other, thanksgiving is a day of issues.
it's always stress when my family gets together, even under normal circumstances they don't really get along all the time. something comes up, somebody says something that people take offense to, and it starts. the worst part is that people keep things going. sometimes i think that they store up past hurts just to bring up in the heat of an argument, trying to make the other person feel as bad as possible, or guilty, or they want people to side with them. i don't know, i just don't get it.
one of the things i really love about my hubby is that even when we disagree, even when we fight or really get into it, we get everything out and move on. if we do have an argument, it's over whatever is happening at that moment, we don't dredge up past hurts and slights. and then when we've worked it out or just agreed to disagree, we drop it and move on and don't feel the need to bring it up again. i wish the rest of my family could be like that, it would make the holidays so much more pleasant.
i guess that's really it, why i'm really so apprehensive about thanksgiving. every year we always say things will be different, and every year it's always the same. maybe it's blind hope, or maybe it's because that thanksgiving really is my most favorite holiday, but i still think that maybe, possibly, there is a chance for this year to be different, for this year to be better. if nothing else, i know the pies i make will be delicious.
November 10, 2010
10 reasons....
....why my bumble is way more awesome than your bumble:
1. he has the same horrible taste in music that i do. case in point, he told me to turn it up when green day came on in the car.
2. he always sings along to songs he likes, even when he doesn't know the words. even if it's a song he's never heard before. even if he can't understand what they're saying. when he gets older, we're so going to karaoke.
3. he loves to make up and tell a good joke. the latest and greatest is "what do you get when you combine mercury and earth?" the answer? "BAM! i don't know, but it's science!" ok, so maybe it's a sense of humor only a mother could love.
4. he tells me i'm the best mom everyday.
5. he loves to try and make his sister laugh. and he's really good at it too.
6. he is always interested in how things work and why things happen. he has the innate curiosity of a scientist. and i get to learn something new all the time by looking up answers to all his questions.
7. he has used the phrase "can't we all just get along?" it's just so amusing to hear a seven year old say something that originated in the 90's.
8. one of his favorite things to eat is salad. but he's always up for trying new things. even "circle shrimp," which are really calamari.
9. he is very creative when it comes to drawing pictures. he made me a lovely halloween picture that included a witch, some pumpkins, a vampire, and zombie abe lincoln. yeah, it was a pretty sweet drawing.
10. he loves to cuddle. and hug. and make everybody feel better when they're down. and i don't think he'll ever grow out of caring for people.
so yeah, my bumble is the best bumble ever. way better than your's. are you jealous, because you should be.
ok ok, if you're really nice, i'll share him with you. i know i have to share him with the world. he's in school all day, forgive me for wanting him all to myself the rest of the day. maybe one of these days i'll explain why he's called bumble. it's a good story. and it only has a little bit to do with bees.
1. he has the same horrible taste in music that i do. case in point, he told me to turn it up when green day came on in the car.
2. he always sings along to songs he likes, even when he doesn't know the words. even if it's a song he's never heard before. even if he can't understand what they're saying. when he gets older, we're so going to karaoke.
3. he loves to make up and tell a good joke. the latest and greatest is "what do you get when you combine mercury and earth?" the answer? "BAM! i don't know, but it's science!" ok, so maybe it's a sense of humor only a mother could love.
4. he tells me i'm the best mom everyday.
5. he loves to try and make his sister laugh. and he's really good at it too.
6. he is always interested in how things work and why things happen. he has the innate curiosity of a scientist. and i get to learn something new all the time by looking up answers to all his questions.
7. he has used the phrase "can't we all just get along?" it's just so amusing to hear a seven year old say something that originated in the 90's.
8. one of his favorite things to eat is salad. but he's always up for trying new things. even "circle shrimp," which are really calamari.
9. he is very creative when it comes to drawing pictures. he made me a lovely halloween picture that included a witch, some pumpkins, a vampire, and zombie abe lincoln. yeah, it was a pretty sweet drawing.
10. he loves to cuddle. and hug. and make everybody feel better when they're down. and i don't think he'll ever grow out of caring for people.
so yeah, my bumble is the best bumble ever. way better than your's. are you jealous, because you should be.
ok ok, if you're really nice, i'll share him with you. i know i have to share him with the world. he's in school all day, forgive me for wanting him all to myself the rest of the day. maybe one of these days i'll explain why he's called bumble. it's a good story. and it only has a little bit to do with bees.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)