my life at the moment

so much is going on in my life right now, and all of it is boring. or rather, not boring to me, just boring to write about. and so, i've been at a loss of words for this space, which makes me feel bad and neglectful. and so here is a run down of my life at the moment, until i think of something more clever to share.

i've been carting kids to random doctors for things. last night i got to stay with fish for her sleep study. she had one done last summer, and then because she stopped breathing for minutes at a time, which is supposedly really bad or something (sarcasm!), they took her tonsils and adenoids when they put the tubes in her ears. the tubes weren't because she was sleeping poorly, it was because when she got an ear infection, it swelled and burst through her ear drum. so pussy, bloody drainage made me think something might be a little off. and then to go through hearing tests and fail them all and be considered clinically deaf, that was super fun too. but now, after getting tubes, she can hear, and better than her doctors thought. you know, because it's super awesome when you take your kid in for a follow-up visit and the doctor is so surprised that there was no permanent damage or deafness, not that they told you it was a possibility. anyway, now we get to wait a month before we go back to hear the results of this latest sleep study. because i'm not really sure what the plan of action will be, but sleeping beside her last night made me realize how many times she stops breathing again.

so, to tide us over until we can go back to the doctor for dear fish, tomorrow i get to take my clan to bumble's nine year check up. there, i get to hear all about how he's off the chart for his height and his weight from a brand new doctor, because the guy we had been seeing decided to leave the practice and go teach pediatric medicine at the hospital where lumpy and fish see their specialists. i keep hoping to run into him so i can say hi. and beg him to come back. and also, because it's fall, it can only mean one special thing. that's right, flu shots for all! here's hoping for no adverse reaction.

besides getting good use out of our health insurance, i've also been thinking fun fall recipes. because it's apple time again. and pumpkin time. and i love fall so much. it's my favorite food season of all. fresh in summer is nice, and cozy in winter is good, and the delicate flavors of spring are ok, but i live for cinnamon and cloves and sage, roast chickens and pies and caramel. thinking about everything just makes me smile.

what's even better this year is that i'm thinking fall cookies. my lovely sister is getting married, and she asked me to make cookies for the reception, because she knows i'm kind of into that sort of thing. i have about six weeks to figure it all out, but already i've got a list of recipes i want to try. thankfully, i know enough willing test tasters who will give me their honest opinions.

so yeah, that's what i've got going on. plus all three of my boys are back in school. and cub scouts started back up. and then there's always the normal cooking and cleaning and laundry to be done. so while it's all exciting (or necessary) to me, it's not much to talk about. i promise, though, i'll try harder to find topics to fill this space.

cupcakes and birthday guilt

so i might have mentioned last week that on saturday was my dear bumble's birthday. we had a busy weekend of fun planned, including an awesome party. so even though i wouldn't be able to personally make a cake for him, i thought he'd still have a good birthday. and then the fates conspired against us.

he wanted an angry bird's themed party, which i hadn't been able to find in any of the stores, so i ordered the supplies online. i used the same site that i've used for years, like since bumble turned four, and usually everything goes perfectly. this time, though, things went all wonky. we moved and i put in our new address, but they still had the old one on file, and their system got all confused and said it couldn't verify our address. so i had to call and get things straightened out, and they promised that i would get the supplies by friday, because that's when we were leaving. but i didn't get them. i didn't get the box until monday, when it was way too late.

so, we went up town anyway, figuring that we would be able to find something that would work for the party. the plan was that my father-in-law was going to take my boys out quad riding saturday, and then i would have all day to prepare for the party that was taking place that evening. then it stormed, and they couldn't go. now, part of the fun of riding is that they get all messy and muddy, but we had to draw the line at thunder and lightening. honestly, i think lumpy was more upset then bumble, but still, it wasn't the fun day they were supposed to have.

in the end, the party came together well enough. i tried to make up for the fact that we didn't have angry birds by decorating with every balloon and streamer we had. and he said he loved his cake, even though it came from the store.

when we came home, we had another small party with my family for bumble. he got chinese food and a lovely cake made by my sister. still, it was more like all of us hanging out together then a real party, in my mind at least. again, he said he had a good time, but then he's also not one to complain.

honestly, it's one of those crazy things that i build up in my mind. everybody said that everything went well. and the birthday boy himself was happy. so why did i think that i failed somehow? i kept thinking that, because things went wrong, i had to keep making things up to him. but no matter what i did, it didn't seem like it was good enough. still, that's a problem i have with so many things in regards to my kids. i always want to give them more and do better, and when i can't live up to the ridiculously high standards i set for myself, i feel like i'm not worthy or good enough. it's an issue i have that i'm working on, and maybe one day i'll be better.

not yet though. because i feel like i failed over the weekend, i decided to try and make it up to him by making cupcakes that he was able to share at his first cub scout meeting on monday. and because one of the boys in his den isn't a fan of chocolate, i made funfetti cupcakes with extra sprinkles. and for something extra fun and different, i made blue cotton candy flavored frosting (which isn't hard when all i had to do was make standard butter cream and add this). with extra sprinkles on top, of course.

it's cookies AND candy... and birthday thoughts

i have a lot going on in my life right now. my dear bumble turns nine on saturday, and life has gotten so busy that i won't be able to make his cake. which is a big deal for me. the worst part is that he is having two parties, and i am so busy in the next couple of days that i don't have time to make a cake for either of them.

i feel awful. this is a huge fail for me. though it's not like i haven't bought him a cake from the store before. honestly, as long as there is cake, i don't think he really care where it comes from. but i care. and i know. and i keep records.

and so, to try and make myself feel better for this coming fail, and a host of others that are currently happening, i have decided to sooth my family's troubles with something sweet. or, more accurately, i have decided to sooth my own conscience and assuage my guilt with chocolate.

looking through my recipe stacks, i've settled on trying something new. it involves melting chocolate and mixing it with a whole package of crushed oreos, and a can of sweetened condensed milk. after you let it cool a bit so they don't melt right away, you mix in chocolate chips. then you press the whole mess in a foil lined pan, cool in the fridge, and eat.

i've never made these bars before, but i imagine that they won't set completely hard, like a chocolate bar. the reason is because the ridiculously easy fudge recipe i have is just chocolate chips and sweetened condensed milk melted together and cooled. so even those these bars use less melted chocolate and have crushed cookies in them, i feel they'll have a fudgey consistency. which also means that i can cut the pieces smaller to make them last longer. it also means they'll probably be very sweet. and that i'll need to keep them in the fridge. however they turn out, i know that these bars will be a hit with my family. we like all of the ingredients separately, so mixed together means it should be even better.

and whether i make these bars or not, i do understand that my dear bumble is not worried about his birthday. he's happy to know there will be cake and quad riding and games at one party and chinese buffet dinner at the other, so he's content with the fact that he'll get to do so many of his favorite things. it's more that i am trying to make myself feel better because i think i let him down then that he feels bad, because he doesn't think i've done anything wrong. i blame the mommy-guilt, but that's a topic for another time.

hikikomori

i did many interesting things this weekend, but the most surprisingly fun thing happened on saturday. the family and i went to this picnic party thing at the house of a fellow cubby parent, and everything went so much better than expected.

let me back up a bit and explain that i wasn't expecting the get together to be bad or anything. no, i knew from who the hostess was and some of who were going to be there, it would be a good time. i was more worried about me, and how i deal, and how absolutely bonkers i can be.

like really, most people have no idea. poor hubby does. but then he's at a loss as to how to help and what to do when i start going off about such things. so he asks what he can do, and i have no answer for him. because seriously, unless he can help me step out of my own head or magically make some xanax appear, there's not much to do but step back and let me be crazy for a bit.

and i do hate this about myself. like absolutely wish i wasn't like this. and it's hard to talk about sometimes. but then, i feel like, if this is who i am, then maybe it's best to put it out there, you know, as a warning. so that way all the normal people i meet and greet on a regular basis won't be caught off guard. and yes, i know there's therapy and doctors that help and stuff. i did that for many years, for other issues. but this social anxiety stuff, i know i can kick its butt.

because i wasn't always like this. i never liked to be the center of attention, but i knew how to handle social situations. there was always proper etiquette to fall back on, to help me know what to say and what to do. i just had to take the first step out and i was ok.

and then for a while, it was easy. i liked to be in the limelight. and i think it was because i didn't care what people thought of me. i had a close group of friends, and we loved each other, faults and all. so it didn't matter if random people thought i was a little off, because those who mattered most to me were there.

slowly, though, things and life happened. i lost touch with those i was closest to. the years slipped by and i moved and changed and adopted the role of a wife and mother. and then it wasn't so much me but we, my hubby and i.

still, for whatever reason, my brain never quite settled down. and i looked at the friends we had as his mostly and mine by association. and so i was on edge. because i was afraid i would do something or say something, and then everyone would look down on me. or i would embarrass him, which is something i never wanted to do. so i found it easier to withdraw from social situations then join in them. because if i said or did something stupid and foolish, it wasn't me that people would look at, it was him. and the very last thing i want to do in this world is make more trouble and stress for my dearest hubby. he has quite enough on his own without my help at getting more.

and so i made the brilliant realization that if i never entered into social situations, there would be no way that i could shame myself, and my family by association. so i stopped going out and doing things, which was easy enough to accomplish with the excuse that i had little ones at home to take care of. and i know there was fun i missed out on, i was regaled with stories of the adventures that happened. i didn't experience the good times, but i also didn't have to experience the stress and worry and paranoia that went along with those times either. so i was content to stay at home and "miss out."

the problem, though, is that after years of staying home and avoiding as much human contact as possible, i am out of practice. i don't know how to make small talk or deal with others or simply act in social situations any more. in avoiding the small stresses of society for years, things have gotten to the point of dizzying panic attacks when now i am forced out into the world. and i am forced out, because the boys are older and my husband is busy, so i have to pick up the slack and go and do things.

and it's my fault for avoiding this for so many years. had i just continued to subject myself to company continually, then i would have gotten used to people by now, like i used to be. instead, i chose the hermit life, which didn't last, and now i have to re-acclimate myself all over again. and though i don't like, i know i can do it, i just need people to be patient with me and my little quirks. and overlook the fact that i'll probably be over in the corner hyperventilating into a paper bag.

chocolate and peanut butter and pretzels, oh my

everybody has different ways of coping with stress. if you've read this blog for any length of time, you'd know that how i cope is with sugar. candy and cookies and cakes are all great stress relievers for me. and i don't just mean eating, though that helps. for me, it's more the process of making that helps me get back in a more stable frame of mind.

the problem, at the moment, is that my family and i are trying to eat healthier. and it's hard to be healthy with tempting treats hanging around. so to help make things easier on everybody, i haven't been making many sweets. but sometimes i feel like i just have to. because my mind gets whirling and worried, and i just don't know what to do with myself. and even though most of what worries me is stuff that most more stable people wouldn't be bothered by, i just can't help it. i'm told to just stop freaking out, but that's definitely easier said than done.

and so, i've decided to get more creative with the sweets and treats i make. some recipes are easier to adapt than others. like the one i made yesterday.

i started by making a pretzel crust, which is exactly like a graham cracker crust, only using pretzels instead of crackers. so i mixed crushed pretzels, melted butter, and a little sugar, then baked and cooled it completely. then came the filling. the first layer was a mix of chocolate pudding (i used the sugar free kind), peanut butter, a little milk, and cool whip (which was fat free). the next layer was a little more peanut butter and the rest of the cool whip tub. the layers were spread over the crust, and then the pan went into the fridge to set.

it tasted really nice, with the salty crunch of the crust complimenting the sweet smoothness of the filling. and i'm not sure if it was the peanut butter or that i used so little milk, but the pudding layer held together so well that i was able to cut nice, clean squares, something that usually doesn't happen when i make pudding desserts. my hubby especially loved it, and was super thrilled to find that it wasn't too bad for him, with the butter in the crust being the worst component. if i make it again, i'll probably omit the sugar, because everything was so sweet, i don't think i needed it.

so everyone in the family was happy. they all got something yummy to eat, and i got a bit of stress relief. after this weekend it over, i know we'll be closer to a set schedule, and things will be more normal around here. and i know i just need to hold on and make it through the next couple of days without a major freak-out. if nothing else, i'll go back to my old ways and make some caramel and burn my tongue by licking the spoon. i am contant if nothing else.