something like normal

my social anxiety makes me worry. such is the nature of anxiety. but specifically, i worry about what other people think. i worry about being normal, i worry about whether people will see me as weird or different or strange. i worry that my reactions to events won't be quite right, so i hold myself back and don't react. and then i worry that not reacting isn't quite right and that people are judging me any way. and so sometimes i take cues from my peers and mirror their reactions, even if it goes in the opposite direction to my own.

and then, of course, i worry that people can see through me. can see that i am just acting, just pretending to be like they are, that they know that i am not. that all of this is a facade and that i am not like them. and so i worry that they are judging me, that every one is talking about me behind my back, laughing and pointing and saying terrible things.

so i avoid as much social interaction as possible, because all of that worry is stressful. all of that pretending and then second guessing every action taken leaches all the fun out of any and every activity. i can't relax when i am out, because if i let myself relax then i worry that i will let my crazy show. of course then i worry that by not participating in activities and putting myself out there socially, people are still talking and judging and laughing.

so yes, most days and places, no matter what i do or say or how i act, i feel not quite right, not in line with the expectations of others. and even though a much more rational part of my brain tells me that i shouldn't care about the opinions of others, that i should live for myself, that i should do what makes me happy, i can't. i just want to be normal.

all of this probably stems from me living in my own head way too much, and that most of those that i interact with don't notice me at all, let alone think of me much, that i really am mostly invisible and unimportant to others. still, i worry that people will see me as a fraud. that they will know i have no idea what i'm doing and am secretly panicking constantly. and that, because i am a ball of stress wound too tight, i would much rather go home.