my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

March 27, 2011

the reason i write

i am afraid. afraid to say the things that i want to, afraid to say the things that i probably should. i have so many thoughts swirling inside of my head, just crying to get out. and yet, i try to hold them all in.

because of certain events in my past, i am very careful with how much i say, with what i reveal of the true inner workings of my brain. my own thoughts and words have been my downfall, and i learned hard lessons i do not want to repeat.

though part of me wonders if i am just chicken. if i am afraid for no reason. surely those that i have surrounded myself with now are much more understanding, much more reasonable people. they wouldn't dare to jump to conclusions and twist my words. i should trust in them, and trust in myself that the people i choose to consort with are the kind of people that will know what i mean and won't run from me shrieking or try to use my words and thoughts against me.

i know full well the consequences my rambling, runaway mouth can have. if nothing else, i know i have caused needless worry, because people read too deeply into what i say. they add extra weight and meaning. it is why my dear husband won't read these words here, even if i asked him to, because he and i both know that he is most guilty of that kind of behavior. i have tried to explain that most of what is here is just random bits that i need to get out. once out, i am done and more content.

what confuses me the most when people worry over what i write is the fact that they were never worried before. i don't think that people need to be worried in the first place, but these thoughts that are here, they are always with me, it's just now i am sharing them with you. of course i realize you wouldn't worry about things that you didn't know were there, but nothing has changed in me other than what was inside is now out.

this is my outlet, it's really why i write at all. i worry and obsess and fret and freak out, all on the inside, until i am ready to burst. and so, as a cheap form of therapy, i write what is on my mind, what is worrying me, what thoughts i just can't let go. and when these are out of my head and on paper or on screen, these ideas seems much smaller and more manageable, they don't worry me so much.

so as i've said, i don't share to worry others, i share to vent. these are not signs that things are taking a turn for the worse, in sharing i look at it as exorcising demons so that i am better in the end.

March 25, 2011

things no one ever warns you about

my boys are close. close in age (only 15 months apart), close in size, and physically close because they share a room and all their toys.

they also have vivid imaginations. though, when lumpy was younger, i was worried because he really wasn't very good with imaginative play. he never really initiated any games, he always let bumble create whole worlds and he would just join in. they even shared an imaginary friend that bumble made up.

her name was maya, and she was a yellow dinosaur who was sometimes bigger than them, and other times she could fit in their pocket. usually one of them had to call her on one of the toy phones so that she could come over. one of the more surreal fights i had to break up was when lumpy said that bumble wouldn't let him talk to maya on the phone anymore, that she wasn't allowed to be his friend, she was only bumble's.

it was one of those moments in parenting they really don't warn you about. and one of those moments that i really wasn't sure what to do. if they had been fighting over a physical toy, i could handle that. i've had much experience with that. fighting over an imaginary friend's affections was something i wasn't prepared to deal with.

eventually lumpy created his own set of imaginary friends. he called them his "ant friends," because, realist that he is, they were imaginary ants. he would call them and talk to them and play with them. he would pretend they were driving his matchbox cars and living in the lego cities that he'd build. he then took it even further, and started blaming his ant friends for leaving his toys out when he was supposed to put them away.

my boys, creative like they are, still have imaginary fights that they want me to deal with. they've both become very interested in transformers, and now like to pretend that they are transformers fighting other transformers. but sometimes they can't agree on the rules of the fight, and one will say that they are on different sides and that they have to pretend to shoot at each other. then the other will say that they are still on the same side fighting an imaginary enemy. or one found a gun that makes the other one lose power and that means he's winning and the other is losing. or there are any number of other arguments about the details of their imaginary world.

and they come to me to make peace. usually i give them the age-old line that if they can't play nice, they shouldn't play together at all. or i try to distract them with a puzzle or board game or art project.

the best part is when they have these imaginary fights when my hubby is home and awake. because after they explain why they're fighting and what is going on, he looks at me and asks "really?"

because he can't believe this is what they fight about.

and i answer with "yes, really."

because this is what my life has become.

March 24, 2011

the winds of change are blowing through... in my head

lately, i've been looking at all parts of my life, trying to figure out what i could change, what i could start doing differently, even what i should change. i'm not sure why, but recently i've just been feeling a little "off". i feel like things have changed, or are going to change, that there is something going on around me, even though i'm not sure exactly what.

am i the only one that every gets that feeling? that the world is suddenly spinning faster, that something is happening, somehow, somewhere, behind the scenes where we can't exactly make out what it is.

the worst part is that this kind of feeling always gets the crazy in me going. maybe everybody else but me already knows exactly what is happening and they just assume i know too. or they're all purposely keeping me in the dark. or they're all plotting against me, and this is all part of their master plan. or there really isn't anything going on, and it's only me that thinks there is, and everything is completely normal to everyone else.

so i try to keep my mouth shut in times like these, lest the crazy come out and i get all sorts of dirty looks.

still, it is spring, the time when the whole natural world changes. so maybe it is time for a change in me too.

March 18, 2011

my st. patrick's day meal

yesterday was st. patrick's day, and i was totally going to talk about delicious irish food. sadly i didn't have this post ready to go yesterday, so i figured i'd just save it for today. i'd like to blame it on all the whiskey and guinness i drank, but with kids like mine, i find it best to remain as sober as possible when dealing with them, so no alcohol passed these lips.

anyway, growing up we had a tradition of eating corned beef and cabbage and dyed green mashed potatoes on st. patrick's day. unfortunately, my hubby and kids don't really like corned beef. also, i made pork and sauerkraut on monday, so i think i've already eaten my weekly allotment of cabbage product this week.

so, instead of making corned beef and cabbage, i was going to make a shepherd's pie. now for those that don't know, a shepherd's pie is a thick stew of meat and vegetables and gravy, with the whole mess covered in mashed potatoes. it's then baked until the potatoes get all nice and crispy on top, staying creamy in the middle. it's hearty and satisfying, and i personally really enjoy it.

one very important fact about shepherd's pie is that it is made with lamb or mutton. it makes sense that shepherds would eat the kind of meat most readily available to them, and being that they were raising and tending sheep, sheep meat is the answer.

now, i have nothing against eating mutton or lamb, though for me it's a bit expensive. so when making shepherd's pie, i substitute beef for the lamb, which then technically makes it a cottage pie and not a shepherd's pie. to me, it's still quite delicious.

so i had settled on making a cottage pie yesterday, but when it came time to make dinner, i just wasn't in the mood. see, though i love cottage pie, my dear bumble does not. he's not a big fan of ground meat, though we're working on that, and he's not a fan of mashed potatoes or gravy at all. so i knew if i had gone ahead and made cottage pie, i would have had a fight on my hands, and like i said, i just wasn't in the mood.

i decided to change it up a bit, and instead of using mashed potatoes, i made a biscuit topping for it. i've always been a huge fan of bisquick, and this was just another good excuse to pull it out of my pantry. i also decided to switch out the gravy for low-fat cream of mushroom soup, a trick i use when making other kinds of casseroles. and instead of using a mix of vegetables, i just used corn, though that's because my hubby doesn't really like cooked carrots or peas.

now, after all the exchanges i made, i know it's not a cottage pie anymore, it was more of a hamburger pie. it was still good, and a hit with everybody except lumpy, who realized i had thrown some onions in with the meat when i fried it up, and he hates onions. though by the time he realized there were onions in it, he had eaten half his food.

in the end, our st. patrick's day dinner last night wasn't really irish food, though it was still good and super easy to throw together. maybe next time i'll add green food coloring to the biscuit part to make it more festive.

March 17, 2011

this one time at the lunch table

i was sitting at the table with my kids eating lunch the other day, and the boys had the most fascinating conversation. usually their talks revolve around transformers or bakugan or their shared imaginary friend maya. this time, though, was a little bit different.

they started talking about the future, and lumpy proceeds to explain how when he grows up he's going to live in a really huge house, and he'll invite bumble and his kids over. and bumble's kids will be allowed to sleep over, but they won't be allow to do karate in the house because there will be lots of fragile stuff everywhere, and lumpy doesn't want his "fragile pretties" broken.

bumble then has the brilliant idea to make it a rule that there is no karate practice allowed to happen in the house. and then both the boys try to figure out what to do if it rains or snows and they really want to practice karate. so lumpy decides his house will have four bedrooms upstairs: one for him, one for bumble when bumble stays over, one for bumble's kids, and one to be used as a karate room. this is decided to be a brilliant plan, and with everything sorted out, they finish lunch and go off to play.

i never realized that my boys thought so much about the future. it does make me happy that even when they're grown they still want each other in their lives. and i know that might change, but still, i'd like to think that no matter what happens later in life, my boys will be there for each other and will be able to count on each other if they need to. it gives me a sense that maybe these boys of mine are going to turn out all right after all.

the one other thing that amused me greatly about their whole conversation is that my dear bumble has picked out names for his children already. he plans to name his son after himself, which means that my husband's desire for bumble to be proud of his name is realized. bumble is actually the fourth, my hubby is the third, and bumble wants his son to be the fifth, a tradition i don't think you find much anymore. bumble has also decided that if he has a daughter, he wants her to be named stephanie, which is especially funny because he's still in the stage where he thinks girls are gross, so i'm not exactly sure how he thinks he's going to be having these children. though he's only seven, so he has years (and years and years, hopefully) to figure that out.

March 13, 2011

at a loss for words

i keep trying to think of something nice and lighthearted to write about. i don't want this blog to turn totally serious and depressing. i also want to represent who i am and stay truthful to my life. i want to share my thoughts and ideas and opinions with the world, and i want to be able to stand up for those thoughts and ideas and opinions, to be able to say that the things i talk here about aren't lies. everything here is truth and open and honest, because even if that's not the side that i show all the time to the real world, it's the side that i want to portray here.

and yet, it's very hard to do that. because it's not just me and my life that i want to talk about. it's not just my kids and their cuteness. or the issues that really affect only me and my hubby. i want to talk about everything that is going on. i want to share the things that i worry about or that are stressing me out. but i am hesitant to do that, because that would mean talking about other people.

if it's not obvious, i have a very large extended family. some of it i'm close to, some of it not so much. but i try to love all of them. still, they stress me out. i look at them, at what they're doing, and i just shake my head. and i want to talk about it here, about what's going on, because sometimes dealing with all of them is all that is going on in my life. but i don't want to seem like i'm talking about them behind their backs. "behind" mostly because i know they don't read this, but that doesn't mean that they won't hear about it. and i don't want them mad at me because they think i'm talking about things that i shouldn't.

and it's not like i want to talk about them because i want to cause drama. trust me, i avoid drama at all costs. i want to try to help them, i want a resolution to the conflict, i want to post both sides so maybe they can see that there is no right or wrong, both sides have valid points and both sides need to give a little if there will ever be compromise.

but i'm too afraid of feeding the fire. too afraid that me talking about what is going on here will be like throwing rocks at a hornets' nest. that whatever good i try to accomplish will only fail because i'll upset both sides by sticking my nose where it doesn't belong and i just need to mind my own business and stay out of it.

so i've been at a loss for words lately. because i don't know what to talk about. the things i do want to say i feel like i shouldn't, because it's not about only me. this is my blog to talk about the things that i am going through or the things that are affecting me, but i still want to try and respect the privacy of those around me, even if it is other people that are affecting me most right now.

maybe i'll try to turn this into a food blog, like i had wanted to in the first place. but that means i'll have to start posting pictures, because any good food blog has yummy photos to go along with the recipes. or maybe i'll turn this into a full on mommyblog, where all i do is talk about my kids and the cute things they do. where i talk about the funny things that happen during the day and how great and wonderful they are. but then i'd feel the need to sugarcoat everything, make it seem like i'm living in this perfect world of motherhood, which would be a total lie.

this is hard, and i'm really not sure what i'm going to do. i want to respect people's privacy, i want to give them space and a chance to work things out on their own. but i want to write and i want to post and i want to share, and things that i want to post and write and share are the things that are going on in my life. right now i am personally taking a back seat, i have a supporting role to the drama that is unfolding around me, so i feel like it's not my place to say anything.

i guess my problem is i'm not really sure what my place is at the moment. it's the age old dilemma i find myself in all the time: what i want to do versus what i think i should do versus what i need to do. these are hard questions to work through, made even harder when i have to be terribly vague if i want to discuss them. though i have a funny feeling it doesn't really matter what my conclusions are to this whole mess, i am so far removed from the center of this problem that nobody'll listen to me anyway.

March 9, 2011


i have guilt and baggage. i've been accumulating it for years, stockpiling it for some later date. this way, if i ever start feeling really good, if things seem to be going my way, i can pull some out and have reality slap me around a bit. or, rather, just what is my reality, what life is when seen through my eyes, what i believe happened in the past. there's so much baggage, i'm surprised we have room for the furniture in the living room.

i have always believed that reality is a fluid thing, moving and changing, totally subjective. the past is in the same category in my view. how else could i go through the same things as someone else, be in the same place and time, share an experience, and have both of us bring away something completely different? maybe reality isn't the right word in this context, maybe it's more a person's world view, how they react to certain situations. that would help to explain how different people focus on different parts of an event while going through it together. that might explain why, when retelling the past, people remember different details, different moments were important and key.

i know i look at the world differently than most. i've been told i have a "messed up view." and there are times where it has caused problems, because i have misjudged what people's reactions would be to my own actions. there are certain things that i don't think are that big of a deal, certain things that i don't think are worth fighting for or arguing about, but i have found some of these things are very important to some people, and i am looked at like i'm crazy for not making a bigger deal out of it all. the reverse is also true, though. there have been times where i was upset and offended by things that were meant as a joke. or i was told i took things out of context. or that no one else thought it was a big deal so why did i?

also, i remember things, mostly random things, stuff that nobody else remembers. stuff that was very important to me, that had a huge impact on me. but the fact that nobody else who was there even remembers any of it happening, it makes me question myself. maybe it's not something i'm remembering, maybe it's something i wished had happened, but only ever existed in my head.

i've always had a tenuous grasp on reality. i know there are things that never happened, that i have built up and convinced myself that they are true and real, even though they are only figments of my sad and twisted imagination. that's always been my problem, that i am able to fabricate the truth and convince myself it is real. and also i am very good at completely banishing things from my mind, forgetting things, making it like it's never happened.

all of this, i suppose, is why social interaction is so painful for me sometimes. i am always afraid i am going to make a mistake, that i am going to bring up something that isn't real, or forget the things that are. so i always second guess myself, wondering if what i am about to say is something i should be saying, or if it's a comment that will earn me weird stares and whispers behind my back. or if a conversation i remember having with someone never actually happened. or if i'll actually be able to remember what people are talking about, if i'll actually be able to understand what's going on.

so i try to remain reserved and keep myself in check. and of course i fail miserably at times. my mouth runs off, and before i can stop myself i've said something crazy again. those that have known me the longest expect this kind of behavior. my husband, for instance, just lets me ramble at times, knowing eventually i'll get a hold of myself and stop. though there were times in the past where he used my confusion against me, convincing me that i'd agreed to things i don't even remember discussing. and of course i second guessed myself and went along with his plans. because really, he knows he is responsible for me, and i know he has my best interests at heart. i am a heavy burden to him at times, and he deals with me with all the grace and understanding that he can. i warned him long ago what he was getting into if he stuck by me, and i guess he really thinks i'm worth it, because he has stayed with me. even if i don't remember all of it.

March 7, 2011

she's just got too much junk in her trunk

maybe it's always been this way with baby girl clothes. i honestly wouldn't know, with two little boys ahead of her, fishie is the first baby girl i've really been buying clothes for.

i love my little fishie. she's happy and adorable. but, like everybody else in this family, she's a little chunky monkey. now, she's not one of those ridiculously huge, get on tv, freak show babies, she's just a little heavy for her size, but it's nothing that her doctor is worried about. and now that she's actually walking, she is slimming down some. still, the little jeans and pants i try to put her in don't fit her very well.

for her birthday, fishie got lots and lots of clothes, mostly because she needed them and it's what i explicitly asked for. most people bought her cute little outfits in the sizes i told them. the problem i'm finding now is that the shirts fit her perfectly, but the pants really don't.

for some reason, the people who designed and made these outfits decided that little girls clothes should look just like big girls clothes in smaller sizes. most of the pants that go with the outfits have curves. the pants have a low waist and a bottom that bubbles out, then the legs get skinny to show off the hips, then the pants flair out at the bottom again, boot-cut/bell bottom style. this is craziness, babies don't have hips to show off, and they don't really need boot cut pants. maybe it's just my little fish, maybe she's the strange one, but i highly doubt that other one year old babies have curves that need accentuating.

i've always said that most babies are just babies, whether they are boys or girls. they sleep, they eat, they like affection and attention, they move and crawl and explore their world, they like the same toys, even if some toys are marketed in a gender specific way (though that's a rant for another time). most babies of the same age are also the same shape. some babies are chunky and some are skinny, but i've never seen a baby, girl or boy, with curvy hips. and honestly, even if babies did have curvy hips and skinny legs, that's not something i think is appropriate to showcase.

my fishie is a big girl, and her legs are big too. i like to think that it gives her stability when she's walking and crawling. a big base, from an engineering standpoint, usually means something is structurally sound. and maybe there are skinny babies out there, my kids never fell into that category. so maybe there are little girls that fit into these pants that are supposed to be the size that fishie needs. but most of these pants will not fit, i just can't pull them up far enough. the legs of the pants don't go over her chunky thighs, and the waist fall down off her big bottom, so the whole pair of pants is falling off, making it seem like it's way too long for her. and because she is walking, it is more important now that she wear pants that fit well so that she can move in them and not trip over them.

so i've resorted to buying her little boy jeans. the waist is elastic, and the legs are huge and roomy, straight all the way down. it's perfect for her to move in. and jeans are jeans, plain blue denim, so nobody can tell they weren't made for girls if i don't tell them.

i don't think fishie will always be this big. like i said, now that she is moving and walking, she's really slimming down. and if she's like her brothers, and so far she is, she'll go through a growth spurt soon and shoot up a few inches without gaining any weight. then maybe she'll be able to wear some of these curvy pants she's got. though by then it might be warm enough to put her in cute little skirts. the ones that she has i know will fit and give her plenty of room to move and grove. even if some say they're too short.

March 2, 2011

i never thought i'd see the day

maybe it's a sign that the world is coming to an end. or it's the apocalypse. or the sky is falling. or today is opposite day and nobody told me. i am confused. i am frightened. i need somebody to hold me.

today, i found a chocolate i didn't like.

for valentines day, my hubby bought me this gift package from 1-800-flowers. the website made it look so awesome, with a cute little stuffed dog, a box of chocolates, and a little rose plant in a pretty pot. well, i have issues with delivery guys in general, not finding my house and all, but this time they did find the house. the problem was that they dropped the box on my porch and didn't knock or anything, so i'm not sure how long it was sitting outside. the other problem is that the box was sitting sideways, so when i finally got it inside and opened it up, all the dirt had spilled out of the pot and gotten all over everything else. i could have just blamed the delivery guy for not knocking, but i also blamed 1-800-flowers for the fail packing and shipping.

in the end, my hubby was so upset that his gift was so wrong that he complained. to make amends, they sent a gift card. not for the whole amount, but it was at least most of it. and i had liked the dog and the chocolates that i had gotten, so i wasn't going to complain anymore.

anyway, with the gift card they sent i went and ordered more chocolates because i didn't trust them to send more flowers. flowers that i would have eventually killed anyway because i don't have a green thumb. i don't even have a brown thumb, i have a black thumb of certain death.

so the other day, my yummy looking replacement box of chocolates came. and again they were just thrown on the porch, but at least i got a delivery conformation email so i could walk over to the door and open it to find the box.

i'm trying to be a good and responsible type person and not eat the whole box in one sitting. so i've been limiting myself to one or two pieces a day. there is no helpful list in the box of what each piece might be. some people might like the surprise of not knowing what each piece will contain, but i personally like knowing exactly which filling is where. what if i'm feeling like caramel and end up with a piece of vanilla cream? that'd still be happy, but not as happy as getting the piece i'm actually hungry for.

still, i've been throwing caution into the wind and eating the chocolates anyway. today though, disaster struck. i popped a piece of chocolate in my mouth and chewed. it was raspberry cream! not that i have anything against raspberries, but i'm not a fan of them mixed with chocolate. and this piece was ten times worse than any raspberry and chocolate type candy i've had in the past, because the cream part had seeds in it. maybe it was to show that it was "real raspberry" or make it seem "homemade," but seriously, it was just gross. crunching through the outer chocolaty exterior is one thing, crunching through seeds on the inside is something else entirely. i actually spit it out.

it felt so crazy and surreal, spitting out chocolate. i thought that surely something must be wrong with me, because i am a lover of all things chocolate. and even if i didn't love it, i normally would have still finished it. but to spit it out? that's unheard of.

the really worst part was that i took another piece to make myself feel better about getting such a crappy one. i guess they had put two pieces of raspberry cream in the box. i'm seriously considering giving the rest of them to my kids and sticking with hershey bars. at least i know they're safe.

March 1, 2011

an experiment in restraint

lumpy has issues. i'm not sure if they're exactly normal kid type stuff, or if there's something deeper going on. we have talked to doctors and taken him to professionals, and so far every one of them has said that he is in the "normal range." there are some things he will struggle with and some things that will come easy for him. basically we shouldn't really worry because most of what is going on right now are things he will outgrow eventually.

that really isn't much of a comfort. but, as he's grown out of most of his toddler behaviors, as he's entered school and his world has expanded beyond his home and his family, as he interacts with more people than just his brother and i, i have seen an improvement with most of his behaviors.

still, his conversations skills leave much to be desired. he still just talks, there is no give and take, there is no worrying if who he is talking to is paying attention. and when he gets upset he cries, big fat blubbering tears. just as quickly as he gets overly upset, he is over whatever it was that he was crying about. his emotions and mood swings are so crazy fast sometimes it's frustrating and scary.

the other problem he/we seem to have is that he doesn't pay attention to his surroundings. or maybe he just tries to get done with certain tasks so quickly that he makes a mess of things. he has potty issues, and when he rushes he makes a mess, so often that i've started making him wipe the bathroom down in hopes that being forced to clean will prevent messes in the first place. he also throws things while cleaning, knocking things over or hitting his brother with stuff, who then tries to hit him back with his hands. it usually ends up as a bad situation, but with them forced to share a room, i'm not sure how to fix it. the other thing he does sometimes is jump around like an excited puppy. he runs up and down the hall or jumps from couch to couch. for awhile i was worried for the furniture, but now that fishie is moving, i really need him to settle down. he's knocked her over, run into her and pushed her down, and just recently he kicked her in the head while he was rolling on the floor.

she wasn't badly hurt, but it's never fun to try and explain bruises on a one year old. and of course lumpy felt bad, which only made him cry. it's hard enough to comfort a crying baby, trying to figure out where she is hurt, but then to deal with an overly emotional six year old, it's just too much sometimes.

i know he's still young, but i don't remember his brother being overly emotional or hyper like this. though, like i said, as he's getting older and out and about more, he is getting better. i suppose part of me wishes that his progress was faster, and another part wishes that i could help him more. but how do you teach a six year old self control and restraint?

one thing that seems to be working is timing his every activity. in talking with his teacher, i began to realize that most of the problems and issues i'm dealing with at home are not present at school. so beyond the fact that it is a different mix of people, i also realized that one major difference between home and school is a schedule. his whole school day is broken up into blocks of time dedicated to different activities.

schedules have always been important in this family to avoid meltdowns. both lumpy and bumble crave consistency. they hate surprises during the day, they like to know what's going on and what will happen next. but when it's just lumpy and i and fishie at home during the afternoons, i became kind of lax in our schedule. if he wanted to go back in his room and play for a few hours, and there weren't any chores for him to do, i would usually let him. if he wanted to play video games or watch tv, i would usually allow it. it was only as a punishment that i would really put strict limits on the amount of time he was allowed to do things.

limits helped to keep him calmer, and so i adapted that method into our daily routine. unless he is having "quiet time," which is when i force him to lay down in his bed with the lights off, i time him. whatever he is doing, he is only allowed to do for 30 minutes at a time. building with blocks, playing with puzzles, watching tv, it doesn't matter, after 30 minutes, i make him stop and move onto a different activity. later, if he wants, he can pick up where he left off with whatever he was doing before.

i've also started limiting his video game time. now, i know that little kids aren't supposed to sit and play video games for long periods of time anyway. and i suppose my only excuse for letting him play as much as i was had been because it kept him quiet and settled for a short period of time on the days where he couldn't play outside and he and his brother were at each others throats. now though, he's only allowed to play for a certain amount of time each day, and for only about 15 minutes at a stretch.

so far this timing thing seems to be working. though we only started doing it last week, and we're still working out all the kinks. the first few days were a little rough, if he was playing with something and being good, he didn't want to stop, and it was hard to explain to him why he needed to. and with certain things, like when we sit down and watch a movie together, the timer doesn't count.

i'm hoping that with the weather getting warmer, sending him outside will help him to get rid of some of his extra energy. i remember having problems like this last winter too, though as he's gotten bigger in size, it's harder to physically control him when he gets overly upset. i know some of his medication that he's on also makes him hyper, and i've expressed my concerns with his doctors and we're talking about switching up some of his doses and seeing how he does. though not until after march, because the change of seasons is always bad for him.

honestly the hardest part is that i wish i could do more for him. i wish i could help to calm him down, and i wish i could help him to control his own body and his own emotions better. he is my baby boy. i know he's always been like this, sometimes worse and sometimes better, but always himself.