my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

March 9, 2011


i have guilt and baggage. i've been accumulating it for years, stockpiling it for some later date. this way, if i ever start feeling really good, if things seem to be going my way, i can pull some out and have reality slap me around a bit. or, rather, just what is my reality, what life is when seen through my eyes, what i believe happened in the past. there's so much baggage, i'm surprised we have room for the furniture in the living room.

i have always believed that reality is a fluid thing, moving and changing, totally subjective. the past is in the same category in my view. how else could i go through the same things as someone else, be in the same place and time, share an experience, and have both of us bring away something completely different? maybe reality isn't the right word in this context, maybe it's more a person's world view, how they react to certain situations. that would help to explain how different people focus on different parts of an event while going through it together. that might explain why, when retelling the past, people remember different details, different moments were important and key.

i know i look at the world differently than most. i've been told i have a "messed up view." and there are times where it has caused problems, because i have misjudged what people's reactions would be to my own actions. there are certain things that i don't think are that big of a deal, certain things that i don't think are worth fighting for or arguing about, but i have found some of these things are very important to some people, and i am looked at like i'm crazy for not making a bigger deal out of it all. the reverse is also true, though. there have been times where i was upset and offended by things that were meant as a joke. or i was told i took things out of context. or that no one else thought it was a big deal so why did i?

also, i remember things, mostly random things, stuff that nobody else remembers. stuff that was very important to me, that had a huge impact on me. but the fact that nobody else who was there even remembers any of it happening, it makes me question myself. maybe it's not something i'm remembering, maybe it's something i wished had happened, but only ever existed in my head.

i've always had a tenuous grasp on reality. i know there are things that never happened, that i have built up and convinced myself that they are true and real, even though they are only figments of my sad and twisted imagination. that's always been my problem, that i am able to fabricate the truth and convince myself it is real. and also i am very good at completely banishing things from my mind, forgetting things, making it like it's never happened.

all of this, i suppose, is why social interaction is so painful for me sometimes. i am always afraid i am going to make a mistake, that i am going to bring up something that isn't real, or forget the things that are. so i always second guess myself, wondering if what i am about to say is something i should be saying, or if it's a comment that will earn me weird stares and whispers behind my back. or if a conversation i remember having with someone never actually happened. or if i'll actually be able to remember what people are talking about, if i'll actually be able to understand what's going on.

so i try to remain reserved and keep myself in check. and of course i fail miserably at times. my mouth runs off, and before i can stop myself i've said something crazy again. those that have known me the longest expect this kind of behavior. my husband, for instance, just lets me ramble at times, knowing eventually i'll get a hold of myself and stop. though there were times in the past where he used my confusion against me, convincing me that i'd agreed to things i don't even remember discussing. and of course i second guessed myself and went along with his plans. because really, he knows he is responsible for me, and i know he has my best interests at heart. i am a heavy burden to him at times, and he deals with me with all the grace and understanding that he can. i warned him long ago what he was getting into if he stuck by me, and i guess he really thinks i'm worth it, because he has stayed with me. even if i don't remember all of it.

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