my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

March 13, 2011

at a loss for words

i keep trying to think of something nice and lighthearted to write about. i don't want this blog to turn totally serious and depressing. i also want to represent who i am and stay truthful to my life. i want to share my thoughts and ideas and opinions with the world, and i want to be able to stand up for those thoughts and ideas and opinions, to be able to say that the things i talk here about aren't lies. everything here is truth and open and honest, because even if that's not the side that i show all the time to the real world, it's the side that i want to portray here.

and yet, it's very hard to do that. because it's not just me and my life that i want to talk about. it's not just my kids and their cuteness. or the issues that really affect only me and my hubby. i want to talk about everything that is going on. i want to share the things that i worry about or that are stressing me out. but i am hesitant to do that, because that would mean talking about other people.

if it's not obvious, i have a very large extended family. some of it i'm close to, some of it not so much. but i try to love all of them. still, they stress me out. i look at them, at what they're doing, and i just shake my head. and i want to talk about it here, about what's going on, because sometimes dealing with all of them is all that is going on in my life. but i don't want to seem like i'm talking about them behind their backs. "behind" mostly because i know they don't read this, but that doesn't mean that they won't hear about it. and i don't want them mad at me because they think i'm talking about things that i shouldn't.

and it's not like i want to talk about them because i want to cause drama. trust me, i avoid drama at all costs. i want to try to help them, i want a resolution to the conflict, i want to post both sides so maybe they can see that there is no right or wrong, both sides have valid points and both sides need to give a little if there will ever be compromise.

but i'm too afraid of feeding the fire. too afraid that me talking about what is going on here will be like throwing rocks at a hornets' nest. that whatever good i try to accomplish will only fail because i'll upset both sides by sticking my nose where it doesn't belong and i just need to mind my own business and stay out of it.

so i've been at a loss for words lately. because i don't know what to talk about. the things i do want to say i feel like i shouldn't, because it's not about only me. this is my blog to talk about the things that i am going through or the things that are affecting me, but i still want to try and respect the privacy of those around me, even if it is other people that are affecting me most right now.

maybe i'll try to turn this into a food blog, like i had wanted to in the first place. but that means i'll have to start posting pictures, because any good food blog has yummy photos to go along with the recipes. or maybe i'll turn this into a full on mommyblog, where all i do is talk about my kids and the cute things they do. where i talk about the funny things that happen during the day and how great and wonderful they are. but then i'd feel the need to sugarcoat everything, make it seem like i'm living in this perfect world of motherhood, which would be a total lie.

this is hard, and i'm really not sure what i'm going to do. i want to respect people's privacy, i want to give them space and a chance to work things out on their own. but i want to write and i want to post and i want to share, and things that i want to post and write and share are the things that are going on in my life. right now i am personally taking a back seat, i have a supporting role to the drama that is unfolding around me, so i feel like it's not my place to say anything.

i guess my problem is i'm not really sure what my place is at the moment. it's the age old dilemma i find myself in all the time: what i want to do versus what i think i should do versus what i need to do. these are hard questions to work through, made even harder when i have to be terribly vague if i want to discuss them. though i have a funny feeling it doesn't really matter what my conclusions are to this whole mess, i am so far removed from the center of this problem that nobody'll listen to me anyway.

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