my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

May 29, 2012

under pressure and surrounded by fixers

i think the need to vent is totally normal. when we're stressed and freaking out, or so overwhelmed we don't know what to do, sometimes we need to take a step back and talk it out with somebody. if nothing else, sometimes getting a fresh perspective on your troubles is all you need to get your head back inline.

but sometimes it's hard. because you're embarrassed or ashamed or afraid to admit what you're going through. or you think that people won't understand. or maybe you've deluded yourself into thinking that if you don't talk about it or admit it's a problem, then it will just go away.

and sometimes it does. but not because it wasn't a problem in the first place. rather more likely it was just one of those things that sucks so much going through it, but you just have to ride the waves, because there's nothing you can do to change it or fix it or make it better. it sucks and it just is.

those types of situations are the worst, in my opinion. and i find myself in those all the time. that if i can just make it until a certain date, hold out until then, things will get better because that's the end date and it will be over.

unfortunately i seem to have surrounded myself with some people that don't look at problems like that. they look at any little thing that is wrong as something that needs to be shared and discussed, brought out into the light and brain stormed. most of all, any and all problems are ones that need to be fixed, right away and right now.

and sometimes problems aren't like that. and i'm certainly not like that. it's not that i enjoy suffering like a martyr, but i need to a chance to think on things and decide the best course of action before i'm inspired to move. because i have learned that sometimes a hasty action makes things worse.

the other side of it, with these fixers i have in my life, is that when they are not part of the problem, very rarely can they be part of the solution. especially if part of the problem is a relationship a person has with somebody else. you can't fix other people's relationships, you can only spur them to change themselves or change what's going on in their life. and if they are at a comfortable stage, where things might not be good but they are miles better then they were, that is just how things will be.

it's really hard, sometimes though, when i do want to vent, to release some of this pent up pressure and stress and worry. and though i might lash out or cry or scream, shake my angry fists at the sky or use sweeping hand gestures and knock things off the table, it's not that i want help or a magic solution. i just want to get some of these feelings out. but when you surround yourself with fixers, you don't really have that luxury. you have to choose your words carefully, because if you say too much or the wrong thing, they'll take it as a red flag, a sign that there is something wrong. and they will think there is something that needs to be done, something they can do, like a knight in shining armor, they will ride to the rescue.

but life really doesn't work that way all the time. and i wish it did, because i'm surrounded with enough knights that would come to my aid as a damsel in distress, that i would never have to worry about things again.

it makes me especially sad because it took me years to figure out that this is how things were, that there are problems to fix and problems that just cause you to bang your head against the wall. and you can keep banging away, but you won't break the wall, the only way to get through is to wait for somebody to unlock the door. and there are those that would willing help bang away at a wall with you, but if they're not the ones with keys, they can't do much more good than you by yourself.

i know others in this same situation. they are surrounded by fixers, we share some in fact. but they don't always need fixers, they just need a shoulder to lean on. and as much as it might hurt to admit to themselves, they would do better to look for that shoulder somewhere other than the fixers they're so used to turning to.

May 25, 2012

thoughts on moving

so have i mentioned that we got our own house? maybe once or twice. and you really might have noticed something if you follow me on twitter. have i also mentioned that we are not officially moving in until the beginning of june, so the boys can finish out the school year? yeah, i might have talked about that to a few people also. though i'm sure the fact that most of our stuff is already there might have come up in conversation a few times too.

are you sick of hearing about me talk about our new house? well, unfortunately for you, it's the all consuming entity in my life right now, so it's all i've got to discuss. i'm hoping to get back to the regular stream of sugar fueled craziness soon, so sit tight.

anyway, as far as moving goes, every other time we've moved to a new place, it was a rush to pack and unpack. actually, it was a slow build up of boxes, ones that i carefully packed and organized and labelled. and then, if i wasn't done by moving day, my dear hubby (read with sarcasm), would come through the house with giant trash bags, and everything not in boxes went into bags and got thrown on the moving truck. then, when we got to where ever we were moving to, the bags were unloaded and left in a pile in the biggest room in the house, usually the living room. and when i say whatever wasn't in boxes i don't just mean throw pillows, once my pots and pans ended up in a trash bag. books, toys, clothes, whatever needed to go and wasn't breakable. and nothing was ever labelled. yeah, those were good times.

this time is different, for a multitude of reasons. the biggest of which is most of the stuff has been packed for months, and just sitting in make-shift storage. and when all of that was packed, i tried to make sure the boxes were at least labelled with where things came from, like the book shelf in the boys' room or my closet. my mother and sister actually came and carefully packed up my kitchen stuff, the only down side to that was i would have liked to wash the dust off of things before they went into boxes, i just wasn't able to. yeah, add broken water lines to the long list of reasons why we left instead of fixing everything in the old place.

so though i didn't get to see most of my stuff for a very long time, it was all boxed away and sat in piles waiting for moving day. and on moving day, almost everything was easily loaded into the truck and carried into the house. one exception was our giant couch, which was heavy and bulky and really not fun carrying up stairs. but it's in my living room now, so i'm happy.

and my kitchen is put away. and most things are sorted out and sitting in the rooms they'll eventually be living in. at this point, i'm just waiting for help to anchor bookshelves to the walls before i start unpacking everything. and soon comes packing up everything that's not in boxes, all the things we're using day to day. like clothes and pillows. things that i can get my dear hubby to help me pack. things that can easily move in trash bags.

May 23, 2012

fancy writing

with all the craziness of moving, one thing i've had to keep in the back of my mind is that we are not only moving houses, the boys are moving into a completely different school district. that, of course, is fun and exciting and terrifying for all involved.

my dear lumpy has the kind of personality that i know he'll do well in any new environment. he makes friends easily, but even when he doesn't, he's happy to do his own thing by himself. poor bumble is the exact opposite. he struggles sometimes to make friends, and if people don't instantly like him, then he thinks they must absolutely hate him and gets so upset. we are working with his "talking doctor" to help him understand what are realistic goals and positive things he can do. one bright note is that we've worked it out that they are staying with the same great group of kids in cub scouts, so i know both of them will at least have some friends.

one thing that makes the transition extra tough on bumble is that he, and his peers, are beginning to realize that he has some difficulties in school, which set him apart and make him "different." and sometimes kids can be mean, and they use other's differences to poke fun at them. so over the summer we are going to work very hard as a family to keep up his reading level. we're going to drill him on all the spelling words he's learned. his lovely speech therapist is sending home materials we can use to help him practice all those pesky letter combinations that give him so much trouble.

because both the boys are going to be working so hard over the summer (lumpy will be reading too), i asked if there was anything special they wanted to learn, something extra that relates to school. making and exploding volcanoes was top of the list, so i might break out the paper mache. we then started brain storming more reasonable ideas, and bumble settled on learning "fancy writing," which will not only be fun to learn, it'll help him with his fine motor skills.

by fancy writing i of course mean cursive. which i know is a dying skill. i remember being forced to learn it when i was in school and about my boys' age, but i'm not sure if they teach it anymore. i know both my boys have access to computers and are learn those basic skills, but cursive writing seems to fall under the art category, and it's a useless one.

i still writing in cursive all the time. in fact, if i'm not typing, i'm writing in cursive. bumble used to say we had the fanciest grocery lists ever, and i helped him to read the curly letters so he could help get things into the cart. it might seem strange, but even a simple note to my hubby i write in cursive, somehow it seems faster for me to write like that. if i feel the need to print, like when i send notes in to school, i slow down and take my time and do my best to make it readable.

bumble was so interested in cursive, he taught himself to write his own name from a chart at the back of his planner. he has a little trouble getting the "s" quite right, but then, he has the same trouble when printing.

so this summer, i plan on trying to teach him to write cursive. it'll be fun and good practice. i know it's not exactly a practical skill, but it's something he's interested in learning, and if he masters it this summer i'm hoping it will give him confidence in his regular writing.

May 22, 2012

the kitchen is the heart

i know i haven't written or posted anything in a very long while. and this is an update/ramble/explanation of things. if you hadn't figured it out before, it's because we finally got the house we were hoping and trying and waiting for.

there were many glitches in getting it, and none were our fault. so of course it was especially frustrating. tempers flared, words were said, tears of sadness and frustration were shed. and, miracle of miracles, we got through it, mostly in tact. and now we are home owners. or will be, in about 30 years.

then came the fixing up the things that needed fixing before all the big furniture stuff was to be moved. and commence the yelling and anger and frustration. but through blood sweat and tears, we got it done. and this past saturday we moved almost everything in. and yesterday i was there again, just me and fishie, and while she played with her doll house (that she got for christmas and we were finally able to open), i put everything in my kitchen away. except for one box of stuff that used to live in drawers. but then i used to have six drawers and now only have two, so i have to find new homes for things.

and the boys' room is set and ready. and our room is set and ready. and the bathrooms are mostly ready. this weekend, my mom is going to help put the boarder on fish's walls and then we can get her room ready for her. and the kitchen is mostly done and the table is put together, i just need some help with the chairs. so dear hubby and i need to work on getting the basement/playroom ready for the boys and their toys. and we also need to arrange the living room stuff and get those boxes unpacked. and the bookshelves need to be set up.

so yes, things are looking better. it's looking more and more like a place we can live in and not a storage area for a thrift shop. though we still have time to get things set, because we aren't "officially" moving in until the beginning of june. we'll be in a different school district, and i'm letting the boys finish out their year instead of pulling them out with just a few weeks left.

i tried to write something of all this yesterday morning, and i have to say the feel of that post was very different. there are things that happened during this whole process that i don't want to talk about. and there are things that i know better than to talk about, along the lines of leaving sleeping dogs lie and all that. but still i wanted to update everybody as to the status of things. and i wanted to post at least something, because i didn't want to let things lapse like i had before. now that my kitchen is my kitchen, filled with all of my stuff, i feel more like my house is my own. and so i'm in a better frame of mind, i have a more hopeful outlook, that things are going well and everything will be ok again.

the bedrooms might be where we sleep and recharge, they're where we dreams and think and wonder and hope. and the living room is where we spend our time together, bonding with games and movies and music, impromptu wrestling matches and dance parties. but the kitchen, at least for me, is the most important room in the any house. it's where i feed my family, body and soul, and to me it's the comforting, comfortable place. the bedroom may be the head, and the living room the fun, but the kitchen is the heart. and after so many months, i finally have one i can truly call my own again.