my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

May 29, 2012

under pressure and surrounded by fixers

i think the need to vent is totally normal. when we're stressed and freaking out, or so overwhelmed we don't know what to do, sometimes we need to take a step back and talk it out with somebody. if nothing else, sometimes getting a fresh perspective on your troubles is all you need to get your head back inline.

but sometimes it's hard. because you're embarrassed or ashamed or afraid to admit what you're going through. or you think that people won't understand. or maybe you've deluded yourself into thinking that if you don't talk about it or admit it's a problem, then it will just go away.

and sometimes it does. but not because it wasn't a problem in the first place. rather more likely it was just one of those things that sucks so much going through it, but you just have to ride the waves, because there's nothing you can do to change it or fix it or make it better. it sucks and it just is.

those types of situations are the worst, in my opinion. and i find myself in those all the time. that if i can just make it until a certain date, hold out until then, things will get better because that's the end date and it will be over.

unfortunately i seem to have surrounded myself with some people that don't look at problems like that. they look at any little thing that is wrong as something that needs to be shared and discussed, brought out into the light and brain stormed. most of all, any and all problems are ones that need to be fixed, right away and right now.

and sometimes problems aren't like that. and i'm certainly not like that. it's not that i enjoy suffering like a martyr, but i need to a chance to think on things and decide the best course of action before i'm inspired to move. because i have learned that sometimes a hasty action makes things worse.

the other side of it, with these fixers i have in my life, is that when they are not part of the problem, very rarely can they be part of the solution. especially if part of the problem is a relationship a person has with somebody else. you can't fix other people's relationships, you can only spur them to change themselves or change what's going on in their life. and if they are at a comfortable stage, where things might not be good but they are miles better then they were, that is just how things will be.

it's really hard, sometimes though, when i do want to vent, to release some of this pent up pressure and stress and worry. and though i might lash out or cry or scream, shake my angry fists at the sky or use sweeping hand gestures and knock things off the table, it's not that i want help or a magic solution. i just want to get some of these feelings out. but when you surround yourself with fixers, you don't really have that luxury. you have to choose your words carefully, because if you say too much or the wrong thing, they'll take it as a red flag, a sign that there is something wrong. and they will think there is something that needs to be done, something they can do, like a knight in shining armor, they will ride to the rescue.

but life really doesn't work that way all the time. and i wish it did, because i'm surrounded with enough knights that would come to my aid as a damsel in distress, that i would never have to worry about things again.

it makes me especially sad because it took me years to figure out that this is how things were, that there are problems to fix and problems that just cause you to bang your head against the wall. and you can keep banging away, but you won't break the wall, the only way to get through is to wait for somebody to unlock the door. and there are those that would willing help bang away at a wall with you, but if they're not the ones with keys, they can't do much more good than you by yourself.

i know others in this same situation. they are surrounded by fixers, we share some in fact. but they don't always need fixers, they just need a shoulder to lean on. and as much as it might hurt to admit to themselves, they would do better to look for that shoulder somewhere other than the fixers they're so used to turning to.

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