the weird family

as summer winds down, i have been taking an inventory of things i have learned over the summer. some of the basics aren't really new, such as sometimes my boys are super amazing together and sometimes they're like rabid dogs at each others' throats. i have seen how fish can play well with other kids, but only on her terms; when she is done playing and wants to be left alone, she is loud enough and big enough that she can get her way.

other things, though, are truths i suppose i should have realized long ago but have been blind to. this summer, and all of the activities we've participated in, have reinforced those truths. or truth, because there is one that is all encompassing and umbrellas all small nuggets of wisdom. it is that my family is strange.

now yes, i know, in this day it is kind of hip to say that everyone should be their own unique person and kids should be themselves and be proud when they are. still, there are social acceptable norms that a family shouldn't stray too far from, kind of like it's ok to be weird, just not too weird. my family blast through those lines without looking back.

like when we all go to play at the playground for some outside family fun, and it is my kids that are yelling and screaming and carrying on too loudly. and bumble is playing with the very little kids because he doesn't get along well with those of his size. and fish is jumping off of things and crying that she hurt herself, and when i call her over to see if she's ok the first thing out of her mouth is she wants to know if she's in trouble. and lumpy making everything into a gun or weapon or some war game, making very specific references to violent video games he probably shouldn't know. and all the while i am getting judgy side-eye from all the other parents for ruining their peaceful day out.

it's also fun to get confirmation your kids are the weird ones when they go to scout camp by themselves. and one doesn't play so well with others because they are a very strict rule follower, and they get into fights with other kids who want to play and maybe don't follow the rules to the letter, and that's not ok by them. and then the other one, who has known social issues, has so much trouble interacting with the other boys that the leaders have to sit everyone down and explain that bullying is not ok.

i already have issues going out and interacting with others in public, i would be very happy never to have to leave the house. the fact that my kids are the weird kids does not make going out any easier. i don't really help myself though, because i am always overly prepared, with a giant purse filled with just in case supplies, and i am terrible at small talk so i don't try to make any, and when i do end up talking i trail off mid-sentence or talk too fast and too loud.

so yeah, all the interactions we've had this summer has just confirmed what i always feared, that my family is the weird family. and so much these days says to revel in your strangeness and embrace your differences, but it's hard when you live in a conservative area and being different isn't always celebrated. at least i know it'll never be boring around here.

oh poodles

any parent of a small child, or a child that once was small, knows one fun little fact. in truth, it's something that anyone that has come in contact with a small child for any length of time probably knows. small children are parrots. not that they hang out with pirates and eat crackers, though mine would love that. what i want to talk about here is that small ones will repeat whatever you say.

sometimes it's funny. saying complicated words and phrases, and then hearing them repeated with a cute little toddler lisp is adorable. or when you have to have a serious talk with one kid, and the little one repeats your lecture, word for word, while standing right behind you. even better is when they copy your stance, hand on hip with one finger raised. it helps to remind you that your kids are only young for so long, and maybe making a huge deal about a messy room that you've told them to clean up for the millionth time is not as world ending as you previously thought.

and their parrot skills are strange at times. hearing them say phrases out of context is weird, but when they say things that are spot on, like "that is absolutely terrible" in response to your complaints about having to put away yet another load of laundry, is even weirder.

though what i really remember from when the boys went through this stage, and it is really brought to mind with my dear fish just entering it, is that they will repeat all the things you don't want them to say. when bumble was around two, you could get him to say anything. in fact, it was his favorite game. it was cute when we'd watch old kung fu movies and he'd yell along and swing a fake sword. it was way less cute when he'd repeat at the dinner table things he might have heard me mention in traffic. and that's what dear fish is doing now: she's telling the boys that "daddy is going to kick your ass" for doing something wrong. not that it ever actually happens, but perhaps it's something she's heard the boys threatened with on more than one occasion.

and so, to combat her developing the vocabulary of a well seasoned sailor, my family and i have tried to use words that sound like the ones we really want to say. like fudge. or dumpster (my sister's favorite). and i've started to use "oh poodles" for just about everything. because even if fishie repeats poodles, it sounds innocent no matter how it comes out. unlike fudge, which if slurred by a two year old just right, still sounds like the f-word we're trying not to say.

the strange things is that now i say it even when i don't have to. even when i'm around other grown ups, or even just by myself, i still say poodles. which i guess isn't so bad, it's safer to be so used to saying it that i won't slip up and say something i shouldn't. at this stage, i'm trying to expand fish's vocabulary in good ways, with words like probably and fantastic. learning all those other words sounds like a job for poppop.

worries

it's late and i can't sleep. thoughts keep running around my head, and my mind just won't turn off. and the worst part is that there really isn't much that i can do about any of the things i'm actually worried about.

and yet knowing that doesn't help. and quietness and meditation and all the usual tricks don't help. so i figured i'd share my more pointless worries, in hopes of at least quelling some of the riot.

my dearest fish is doing great with her potty training. that is not my worry. it is more my annoyance. because though she rocks the potty, she won't go by herself. and when she has to go, she has to go. so i have to drop everything and stop whatever i'm doing to go and help her potty. and i know, eventually, she'll not only be awesome at going, but she'll be able to go all by herself. it's just getting her to that stage that is driving me bonkers.

the other part of potty training that i'm worrying about is that we are going on vacation as a family this weekend. to canada. so we'll be out and about in unfamiliar territory. and staying in a hotel all weekend. i don't know how she'll do with the changes, but i am already very much aware about how much i'll be missing out on because i'm the one that'll have to take her. you know, because my dear hubby can't exactly go into the women's bathroom, and fish would be one to point and ask "what's that" when walking by urinals in the men's room. and i know this is just fact and a reality of being a mom, but it still sucks big time.

the other sucky reality is that bumble is up against one of his greatest weaknesses in school right now and i can't help him. or don't know how. in his old school, spelling was taught by memorizing lists of words, and then getting tested on those words. in this new school, they have a short list of "trick words," ones that don't follow rules or patterns, and they're tests are on two or four words from the list. the rest of the spelling test isn't really spelling like we're used to studying for, it's more like a phonics test. in addition to getting a list of like eight trick words, he's expected to learn three or four phonics rules, like how certain letters work together to make sounds, and then he's tested on random words that follow those specific rules. the rest of the kids in his class of learned this stuff since 1st grade and it's all new for him. needless to say, he got a 45% on his first test. and i've talked with his teacher on how to better prepare him, and all she could say is he needs to practice the example words she sent home, or any other words we can think of that are examples of the rules. i really feel out of my depth with this.

the other part to this phonics stuff, kind of a kick him while he's down thing, is that the rules he's supposed to learn and master and be able to use for the second test are all suffix rules. like knowing when plurals end in -s or -es by knowing which sound they end in (anything that ends in -ch or -sh with end in -es, single consonants will end in -s). or hearing a word and knowing if it ends in -ed or -er or -est or -ing. yeah, guess who is in a specialized speech and language program because he can't hear or pronounce the ending sounds of words, in addition to not knowing the different between -ch and -th sometimes? so how is he supposed to pass these phonics tests? and how am i supposed to help him?

maybe if i had gotten him help sooner. or even realized he needed help. or read to him more. maybe if his previous teachers listened to me when i said i think he was falling behind. or if we hadn't been in a school where they could only see him for 30 minutes every two weeks because the speech teacher was stretched between four schools. maybe if i had the money to have gotten him private help over the summer, we would have been able to start this school year off ahead of the curve.

i guess the other, bigger "maybe" that keeps me up is that i wonder if maybe my kids had a better mother than me, there wouldn't be any of these issues. if i had been paying attention, i could have gotten bumble early intervention and then he could be rocking school right now. just like, if i had really seen what was going on all those years ago, i would have realized how sick lumpy was and maybe we could have avoided the hospital stays and years of medication. and if i was able to take control of things better, maybe fish would be a more well mannered child. unfortunately, my kids are stuck with me.

a mother knows

so today i was going to talk about something personal and embarassing. but i can't really concentrate because, at the moment, i have a screaming two year old flailing on my couch.

on top of that, i am tired. like really crazy tired. because little miss stinky pants (aka my dear fish), has decided that if people in the house are awake when she wakes up in the middle of the night, then she needs to be awake too. or, like she did last night, if she wakes up and no one is awake, she needs to come and wake me up.

usually i can plunk her back in bed and she'll stay there and go back to sleep. and that's kind of sort of what happened last night. only we got to repeat the routine like ten times. and the way it usually goes is that i get her back in bed and then i go back to bed, and when i'm just about asleep, she wakes back up.

she wasn't always like this. just mostly like this. but she's had good stretches where she'll sleep through the night. but then she has a few bad days, or weeks, where sleeping at night isn't her thing. and the worst part is that i know there is something wrong. because it's like it was last summer, when things were getting worse and worse and worse, and we went through all sorts of tests to figure out what was going on. they preformed surgery to help her breathe, and then things were much better. for a while.

now it's gotten to the point where things are really bad again. and we're going through all the "fun" tests again. she had a sleep study done monday night. some of my family asked if they told me any of the results, and no, they didn't tell me anything. i have to wait to talk results until mid october. not that i was really concerned with knowing how little she was breathing, sleeping next to her i can hear how many times she stops and for how long. and even if i knew the numbers, i know it's not anything i can fix on my own anyway.

so i'm not sure what our plan of attack will be this time. i know i'd like to have her tested for allergies, to see if it's just a seasonal reaction in her body, and that maybe some prescription strength meds might help. though if she's anything like lumpy, it won't matter what allergy test they do, he never had a positive reaction to anything, but he still needs the allergy meds to help him get through the day.

like i said, i'm not sure what treatment the doctors will come up with. unfortunately, like both her brothers, there is something wrong. i know there is something wrong. it's not easily definable or diagnosable. and in the case of lumpy, it's not easily treatable. as much as i don't want to admit it, my kids have issues, medical, physical, emotional. and even if i can't always get their doctors to believe me, a mother knows when something is wrong. like now.

my life at the moment

so much is going on in my life right now, and all of it is boring. or rather, not boring to me, just boring to write about. and so, i've been at a loss of words for this space, which makes me feel bad and neglectful. and so here is a run down of my life at the moment, until i think of something more clever to share.

i've been carting kids to random doctors for things. last night i got to stay with fish for her sleep study. she had one done last summer, and then because she stopped breathing for minutes at a time, which is supposedly really bad or something (sarcasm!), they took her tonsils and adenoids when they put the tubes in her ears. the tubes weren't because she was sleeping poorly, it was because when she got an ear infection, it swelled and burst through her ear drum. so pussy, bloody drainage made me think something might be a little off. and then to go through hearing tests and fail them all and be considered clinically deaf, that was super fun too. but now, after getting tubes, she can hear, and better than her doctors thought. you know, because it's super awesome when you take your kid in for a follow-up visit and the doctor is so surprised that there was no permanent damage or deafness, not that they told you it was a possibility. anyway, now we get to wait a month before we go back to hear the results of this latest sleep study. because i'm not really sure what the plan of action will be, but sleeping beside her last night made me realize how many times she stops breathing again.

so, to tide us over until we can go back to the doctor for dear fish, tomorrow i get to take my clan to bumble's nine year check up. there, i get to hear all about how he's off the chart for his height and his weight from a brand new doctor, because the guy we had been seeing decided to leave the practice and go teach pediatric medicine at the hospital where lumpy and fish see their specialists. i keep hoping to run into him so i can say hi. and beg him to come back. and also, because it's fall, it can only mean one special thing. that's right, flu shots for all! here's hoping for no adverse reaction.

besides getting good use out of our health insurance, i've also been thinking fun fall recipes. because it's apple time again. and pumpkin time. and i love fall so much. it's my favorite food season of all. fresh in summer is nice, and cozy in winter is good, and the delicate flavors of spring are ok, but i live for cinnamon and cloves and sage, roast chickens and pies and caramel. thinking about everything just makes me smile.

what's even better this year is that i'm thinking fall cookies. my lovely sister is getting married, and she asked me to make cookies for the reception, because she knows i'm kind of into that sort of thing. i have about six weeks to figure it all out, but already i've got a list of recipes i want to try. thankfully, i know enough willing test tasters who will give me their honest opinions.

so yeah, that's what i've got going on. plus all three of my boys are back in school. and cub scouts started back up. and then there's always the normal cooking and cleaning and laundry to be done. so while it's all exciting (or necessary) to me, it's not much to talk about. i promise, though, i'll try harder to find topics to fill this space.

important life lessons

i yell at my children, more often than i should admit to. but i yell at them with love and the best of intentions. and sometimes, i even yell good and important things at them. yesterday i was shown proof that at least one of them is listening.

i have already learned much about this walking to and from school business. i have learned that the boys are at an age where the school doesn't check if their parents are there before letting them out. in fact, there is a girl in bumble's grade who lives a block further away than us that walks by herself everyday. the boys think this is a  great idea, and want to implement it themselves. i said those famous motherly words: "we'll see."

i have also learned, through trial and error, that dear fish is not up to walking back and forth to the school twice a day. she is best at walking in the morning, and will even run to try and keep up with her brothers. in the afternoon, i push her in her stroller, and let her play on the playground while waiting for the boys to be released. i'm honestly not sure if the afternoon is harder because the walk falls so close to the end of nap time, or if i'm just out of patience for her dawdling at that point in the day. either way, the stroller works.

another thing i have learned is that there is more then on way to get from our house, through the neighborhood, and to school. with the crazy design of the streets, there are a silly number of different routes, but we have been trying to find the fastest. because there was some discussion between my boys and i about which way to go, we took a different path home yesterday afternoon.

it was, in my personal opinion, no shorter than our normal route. it was also not a way i would want to walk to school because of a large hill, but going home meant going down, and i was fine with that. the only plus i see in going that way is that we go past a different playground. thought it wasn't much of a plus yesterday because the slide was too hot to use and there was a spider on the see-saw.

so, instead of getting to play, we all agreed to walk home and eat popsicles. and because my boys are secretly teens and i am totally lame, they decided to run ahead while i slowly pushed their sister home.

and before i could even open my mouth, my dear fish yells "be careful and stay together!" and so they did.

all i could do was smile, because i knew, in spite of all of my doubts and fears of failure, my kids were at least getting the important stuff i was trying to teach them.

"all through the night"

i just realized something recently. my dear and beautiful fish is finally sleeping through the night. and it only just hit me because i also realized that, because she is sleeping all night, i get to sleep all night.

i know it might not seem like a big deal to some, but to those with little kids, you know how big of a deal this is. when babies sleep all night and don't get up for 2am feedings, it seems like such a parenting win. and when little toddlers don't get up and ask for a cup of water and a cuddle, it's just more proof that they're on their way to being a big kid.

now, when my boys were little, i never had a problem with them sleeping all night. i would put them down for bed, and they would stay there until it was time to get up in the morning. it might have had something to do with the fact that they've shared a room since lumpy was just over one and bumble was two, so if one got up they were able to comfort each other. little fish, always sleeping on her own, has been a completely different matter.

when she was little, she never really slept through the night. there were times where she would, but more often than not, she was up. and it wasn't that she was hungry or thirsty, it was just that she would wake up for whatever reason and then she'd need help settling down and going to sleep again. it was even worse when we transitioned her into a toddler bed, because then she'd get up crying and wander through the house until someone found her and put her back in bed. when we were staying with my mom, after we lost our house, she shared a room with my hubby and i, so she got very used to getting up and having us right there. and so, when we finally moved into our new house, it was hard for her to get used to sleeping in her own room in her own big girl bed.

this summer has been a crazy mash of not sleeping "normally." when we'd go places, usually all the kids would sleep together, so fish would have her brothers for comfort. and when people would come and visit, i would let people sleep in her room or in her bed, and have her sleep with my hubby and i. by the end of august, we were practicing our school routine, and so everybody was not only sleeping in their own bed by themselves, they were going to bed early and getting up early.

these last few days are kind of when it all hit me. fish has been going to bed just like her brothers, and she gets up with them in the morning. but she doesn't get up in the middle of the night any more. and no more fighting to go to sleep, with her screaming and crying that she's not tired, or i need to come in and hold her, or just sit and watch her fall asleep. nope, she's sleeping like a big girl, and i am so happy!

it's potty time!

with the boys in school all day, i have more free time. over the summer we were all so busy with reading and writing and all the normal summertime fun, i didn't have much time to get to all the things that i was hoping to do. now that my schedule has opened up a bit, i can focus on some of the important things i was putting off. like helping fish take the big step that will officially (in my mind) turn her from a toddler into a big girl. yeah, it's time to start potty training.

it's not like this is an out-of-the-blue decision. she's shown signs that she's ready. and we have attempted it a few times in the past. but either things got crazy at home or she just stopped being interested, and so i put off really trying until a later time. i really wasn't worried about her not being interested, because she's only 2 and a half, and i can remember the boys didn't bother until they were much older.

we started trying to train bumble just before he turned three. it was a struggle, but that i think had more to do with the fact that i had no idea what i was doing than that he wasn't ready. and it took a while, but he had it down. then we moved and he started having accidents and we had to go through potty training refresher courses.

my dear lumpy was a completely different story. he would watch his brother trying to go, he watched us help bumble through the whole process, he knew exactly what he was supposed to do, he just didn't want to bother. why stop what you're doing and the fun you're having just to go and sit on a funny white seat when going pee in your pants is so much faster and easier? the preschool we sent both the boys two had a daycare of sorts that allowed kids that weren't potty trained, which lumpy joined when he was two. on christmas break they had two weeks off from school, which also happened to be when he turned three. and so, in those two weeks, my hubby and i really forced lumpy to stop being lazy and start going like a big boy. he went from diapers all the time to regular underwear and no accidents all night in two weeks. if ever i need to point to a sign that my youngest boy will always choose the easiest way possible, how he was potty trained is it.

(another story that springs to mind is how he used a calculator to do his simple addition problems for homework once. and the only reason i questioned him is because he finished all 20 problems in less than 5 minutes. maybe he doesn't choose the easiest way so much as he is just lazy. and clever. which is turning into a very dangerous combination.)

anyway, i have a funny feeling that training my fishie will be much like training lumpy. she knows what she needs to do, and she's done it enough times that she's comfortable going. she's even gotten to the point where, once she goes, she comes and tells me when she needs a diaper change if she's ready for one. so, starting today, i am making her go. at least twice an hour i make her sit on her potty chair. and we decided her rewards for going would be temporary tatoos. i'm really pushing this because i've also decided i bought my last box of diapers. i'm not sure what i'll do if she runs through them all, but i believe that it won't be a problem. now that it's just her and i home all day, i can focus on helping her go.

she's clever, just like her brother. and i know she likes to take the easy way out. but i've told her princesses don't use diapers, and if she can stop having accidents, i'll buy her a crown. thankfully it's almost halloween, so i know i can find her one. and an outfit to go with it.

dress rehearsals

the summer is almost over. not by the calender, but by the standard of any family with young kids: school is starting. in fact, for my boys, it starts tomorrow.

that means that starting last week, we've been getting up early. and then earlier and earlier every day until today, when we got up as early as we will need to tomorrow. and we've been practicing not only getting up, but also getting ready. so today was a full dress rehearsal in getting to school on time.

and really, i've needed all this practice as much as the boys, because this year is going to be different. last year i was able to get the boys up and breakfasted and dressed. then i'd grab fish and we'd hop in the car and drive to the bus stop, wait for the bus, and then drive home. i never realized how easy it was that i really only had to worry about getting two people ready to go.

this year they're walkers. which means i can't really get them to their school in my pj's. or i could, but it's a long walk in slippers. it also means that i can't really leave fish in her pj's either, because i'm trying not to look like the trashy family that runs around in sloppy clothes with messy hair. i don't want to embarrass my boys so early into their new school careers, i'll have years for that.

this morning we got up, had breakfast, got dressed, and walked all the way to school. and we actually made it with time to spare! and, just to see how'd she do and how it would go, i let fish walk the whole way. she made it the whole way there and only wanted to be carried when we were 20 yards away from being home.

the boys thought it was great fun getting to walk. lumpy was even up and ready to go before bumble. or he would have been if he hadn't had a small melt down with his shoe laces being in knots. but both boys walked ahead and waited at the corners to cross with fish and i. and my dear littlest even held my hand most of the way.

still, it's the last official day of summer according to them, so i'm letting them take it easy. no work books or reading today, just games and cartoons. poor fish is happy with an easy day too, walking more than a mile just after breakfast has her laying on the couch, ready for a nap. hopefully tomorrow goes just as smoothly.

and it will, i'm sure. as long as it doesn't rain. because i don't think we have enough umbrellas for everybody.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me

everybody always told me that raising boys and girls would be different. but really, i never believed them. because they were also the people that really followed the gender lines hard and straight. i, on the other hand, was always fine if my boys wanted to have a tea party or if my girl wanted to play with monster trucks. if it's something that's safe and age appropriate, who is to say that it has to be only for boys or only for girls?

i hate how toys sections are divided up, with shelves in the "girl" section actually pink, filled with barbies and baby dolls and dress up clothes. i hate to say it, but my little fishie girl likes to play with all her brothers' old toys, "boy" toys, and i'm fine with it. she runs around the yard with them, using nerf guns to shoot monsters and aliens. they've helped set up their matchbox tracks and she likes to jump the cars with the best of them. and her dino roar is even better then bumble's. and on the other side of things, bumble has played with her baby dolls with her, showed her how to feed them with the plastic bottles and rock them to sleep.

i know i've said it before, but if playing makes a child happy, and it is safe and age appropriate, i don't care if it's something that comes in a pink or blue box. and it seems that a lot of people don't have a problem if it's girls playing with boy toys, somehow that's empowerment, but a boy playing with girl toys is strange and wrong.

double standards suck, and i hate that it's still part of the world my kids have to grow up in. i try to explain that just because somebody else says that it's wrong, it's not necessarily bad, and they shouldn't feel bad for their choices. i consider respect to be the most important quality to teach my kids, respect for themselves, respect for others, and especially respect for those that are different from them. i've already had a conversation with my boys about how sometimes people are different, they do different things and believe in different things, and respect doesn't mean changing our beliefs, but letting them believe what they want as long as they respect my boys also. and bumble, at least, has shown me that he gets it.

and i know there are those that don't agree with how i'm raising my kids. even people i know personally have told me that i'm making my boys "soft" by letting them play with the toys they want and the games they want. which makes me sad for my boys, because it's not fair to them. it's a fact that fish will have the freedom growing up to wear pants and play in the dirt like a boy, and most will think she's a tom-boy and leave it at that. but if my boys try to wear a skirt i know i would never hear the end of it.

i know i've gone off on a rant here. and it's not the first time i talked about gender roles and double standards on this blog. for fishie's first halloween, i dressed her as a dragon, because i have a thing for group costumes, and her brother's decided to be knights. you can read that post here. later, i was told i was it was wrong to dress her as a dragon, i should have dressed her as a princess because she is a girl. it makes me so sad to think that people think it's ok to say things like that to people. what right do they have to force their values on other people?

i know that not everybody agrees with me, and i don't expect them to. and if anyone has a problem with the things i say here, they need to understand that everything i write is my thoughts on my life, and it's my personal opinion. and they totally have the freedom to not read. i just really wish they would respect my right to raise my children in the way that i see fit.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

i love my kids, i really do. they are my world. honestly, that statement is more true than i'd like, sometimes. in the eyes of many, i am a stay at home mom and nothing else. so without my children beside me, what does that make me?

at the moment, i'm not sure what it makes me. every summer, we pack my boys off to spend a few weeks with my in-laws. they live up town, a few hours away, and though we usually visit at least once a month throughout the year, it's never enough time for everybody to do all the things they want to do. and so, when school lets out, and when cub scout camp is done, they go and visit without my hubby and i. and this year, fish went too.

it's great for them, because without me there, they don't really have to follow my rules. though it's funny to hear them talk on the phone, because i can tell the certain routines we've established that they still try to follow, the ones that don't work in any place but home. but they get to stay up late and drink sugary drinks and watch all sorts of tv shows they're not allowed to watch at home. but what my boys love is that they get to go fishing and camping and ride their atvs, all the outdoor stuff they love to do that, unfortunately, we get too busy to do at home sometimes. so for them, these weeks spent away are a great vacation.

they're great for me, too. there are so many things that i put off doing because i just wasn't able to get it done with all the kids and their little grabby fingers here. things that i bought to do all the way back in december, projects i'm finally able to tackle. and there are still boxes i'm unpacking, which just goes so much faster when you don't have to stop for drinks or diaper changes or to break up fights. these weeks are my one time off i get each year, the only time i get more than 24 hours without my kids, where i can be home and do work.

it's nice for me. it's something i look forward to. it's something i desperately need some times. people throw around a lot of terms about parenting, attachment and helicopter, the french method and the tiger moms, discipline styles and punishment types, and it all makes my head spin sometimes. the thing is, i don't really feel i have a choice in the way that i parent, though maybe i do and i'm just lazy and not creative enough to see it. the truth is that i am home with my kids all the time, and if we go anywhere, we go there all together. so if they need something, i know. and if they have an issue, i am there to deal with it right away instead of them trying to work things out on their own. and as far as fish is concerned, i am here for her, always here for her, so whether it's 7pm or 3am, she just walks over and gets my attention to try and get what she wants.

and it's hard, and it's exhausting. and it's especially difficult to get others to understand what it's like. because unless i sit and pretend i don't see them, they just keep bugging me and yelling and screaming until they get my attention. or if i do ignore them, any of them, and they get the hint to go off and do their own thing, five minutes later it usually gets worse. conflict resolution is not a strong point for any of my kids, but then they've never had a chance to practice it, because they always have me. and i have talked to doctors and such, and they've said that sometimes, especially with fish, sometimes it's not so much that she wants or needs, but rather she likes to watch me jump.

that's why these weeks away have been hard on her, especially in the beginning. she wanted to come home, and was screaming and crying and throwing fits. and my dear mother-in-law said she was fine, that she would tell hubby and i when it was enough and we needed to come and get our little girl. because though everybody up there loves her, they won't carry her or hold her or cuddle her like i do. which i know, at this age, i don't need to do, but sometimes it's just easier to stop what i'm doing and put everything away to hold her than to listen to her screaming for ten minutes.

though some said they can't understand why i don't miss all the kids and want to go get them. and i do miss them. but sometimes i miss the ability to sit and watch a movie without having to pause it ten times. or i miss being able to get projects done that i've been putting off simply because i wouldn't be able to focus on them. sometimes i miss reading all the books i have, the ones with lots of words and no picutres. mostly i miss getting to take more than a five minute shower. and sleeping in. and not having to share whatever it is that i'm eating, and actually enjoy my food.

i love being a mom. but i also love doing activities that don't define me as such. and i miss all my kids, and i know they miss me, but i also know this is good for all of us. we all need distance to grow, and time by ourselves to be who we are as ourselves and not just as an extension of somebody else.

the kitchen is the heart

i know i haven't written or posted anything in a very long while. and this is an update/ramble/explanation of things. if you hadn't figured it out before, it's because we finally got the house we were hoping and trying and waiting for.

there were many glitches in getting it, and none were our fault. so of course it was especially frustrating. tempers flared, words were said, tears of sadness and frustration were shed. and, miracle of miracles, we got through it, mostly in tact. and now we are home owners. or will be, in about 30 years.

then came the fixing up the things that needed fixing before all the big furniture stuff was to be moved. and commence the yelling and anger and frustration. but through blood sweat and tears, we got it done. and this past saturday we moved almost everything in. and yesterday i was there again, just me and fishie, and while she played with her doll house (that she got for christmas and we were finally able to open), i put everything in my kitchen away. except for one box of stuff that used to live in drawers. but then i used to have six drawers and now only have two, so i have to find new homes for things.

and the boys' room is set and ready. and our room is set and ready. and the bathrooms are mostly ready. this weekend, my mom is going to help put the boarder on fish's walls and then we can get her room ready for her. and the kitchen is mostly done and the table is put together, i just need some help with the chairs. so dear hubby and i need to work on getting the basement/playroom ready for the boys and their toys. and we also need to arrange the living room stuff and get those boxes unpacked. and the bookshelves need to be set up.

so yes, things are looking better. it's looking more and more like a place we can live in and not a storage area for a thrift shop. though we still have time to get things set, because we aren't "officially" moving in until the beginning of june. we'll be in a different school district, and i'm letting the boys finish out their year instead of pulling them out with just a few weeks left.

i tried to write something of all this yesterday morning, and i have to say the feel of that post was very different. there are things that happened during this whole process that i don't want to talk about. and there are things that i know better than to talk about, along the lines of leaving sleeping dogs lie and all that. but still i wanted to update everybody as to the status of things. and i wanted to post at least something, because i didn't want to let things lapse like i had before. now that my kitchen is my kitchen, filled with all of my stuff, i feel more like my house is my own. and so i'm in a better frame of mind, i have a more hopeful outlook, that things are going well and everything will be ok again.

the bedrooms might be where we sleep and recharge, they're where we dreams and think and wonder and hope. and the living room is where we spend our time together, bonding with games and movies and music, impromptu wrestling matches and dance parties. but the kitchen, at least for me, is the most important room in the any house. it's where i feed my family, body and soul, and to me it's the comforting, comfortable place. the bedroom may be the head, and the living room the fun, but the kitchen is the heart. and after so many months, i finally have one i can truly call my own again.

green marshmallow fluff

lately, things have been very strange. new and strange things happening, with no real explanation. the normal day to day seems to cause more stress than usual. people acting not like themselves. it's all thrown me for a loop.

and i don't like loops. i get motion-sick. like for real. hence why i will never see a 3-D movie, i have enough troubles with my tummy doing flip flops watching regular movies.

anyway, the point i was trying to get at is that there seems to be a new normal going on. and change is scary. and confusing. like, all of a sudden, i now like pineapple. i know, it's like the world's gone bonkers and somebody forgot to tell me.

pineapple and i have a long and storied past. not really, it's just i've never been a fan. and it's funny, because there is something common each of my sisters and i, who will eat almost anything, don't like. for me, it was always pineapple. for my youngest sister, it is the combination of chocolate and peanut butter. and for my middle sister, it is coconut. normal things we just don't like, even though we'll all happily the strangest ethnic cuisine.

since i've had kids, though, my dear hubby and i have a policy that we want the kids to at least try a food before they say they don't like. it's fine if they refuse after they've given it a go, but a flat out refusal is not acceptable. which also means, to set a good example, he and i have to eat a little bit of everything. and how i love him for trying some of my kitchen experiments. casseroles might not be pretty, but they can still taste good!

so yes, the point i was getting at was that i now like pineapple. sometimes. when it's mixed with or eaten with other things. and if it's cold, because just the smell of hot pineapple turns my stomach, so i don't care how awesome you tell me grilled pineapple or sweet and sour chicken is.

this new attitude toward pineapple really started a few weeks before easter. i was looking around at different dessert recipes, as i'm want to do, and i noticed one for watergate salad. easy and simple and just a few ingredients, one of which was a can of crushed pineapple. i'm not sure why it stuck in my head. maybe because it also has mini marshmallows, which i love. or maybe it's because it's green color comes from pistachio pudding, which i also love. plus it has cool whip and chopped pecans, both good things. and really, that's it, the whole recipe. measure everything out and mix it in one big bowl. store in the fridge and enjoy.

so, during easter, i made a pineapple upside down cake, which normally i wouldn't eat. but i tried a piece. and it was good. which got me thinking about watergate salad again. and so i finally broke down and made some. and it is good. very good. light and fluffy and creamy. and even though you can tell there's pineapple in it, it still makes me happy. i could probably eat the whole container myself, which isn't so bad considering i bought the sugar-free versions of all the ingredients.

i let the boys try it, and bumble thought it was good also. because of the marshmallows and the consistency, he called it green marshmallow fluff, which i think is a more descriptive name than watergate. i let lumpy try it also, but he couldn't get over the texture of it. dear fish wouldn't even try it, but i picked out some of the marshmallows to feed her, which she happily ate. my husband and my mother both said it reminds them of ambrosia, which i suppose is true.

so all in all, it's good. and i like it. even if it does have pineapple in it. i guess it's just a new normal for me.

high comedy

people have told me that having a girl would be very different after having boys. and i have to admit, it's not as different as you'd think.

as babies, there's still naps and diaper changes and crying for no reason and all those sleepless nights, whether a boy or a girl. as a toddler, it's been no different. and so far, my dear fish acts just like her brothers when they were her age. she gets into everything, and throws tantrums when she can't. she tries to communicate, and gets upset when she's not understood. she's amazed and amused by the simplest things.

fish is just like any other toddler. she does all the same toddler things, and still, she's her own little person with her own identity. she tries to tell knock knock jokes, she likes to pretend she's a cat, and she loves telling what sounds animals make. just like lumpy was the same and different than bumble, fishie is a unique kid.

and yet, there is one way that my kids are exactly the same. and it's one way that drives my dear hubby nuts. they are all obsessed with body humor.

the boys have finally begun to understand that there are certain bodily functions that everyone does, but we don't need to make a big deal about it. and we should say "excuse me" after. and we certainly don't talk about it at the dinner table. unless their dad isn't home, and it's just us, then all bets are off.

and fish thinks these processes are hilarious. to be exact, she'll pass gas and then yell "i toot, i toot. it stinky!" and of course it's followed by much laughter. certain people in our family can't wait until she's old enough to start pulling people's fingers.

why yes, i am raising a proper lady, just like her brothers are perfect gentlemen. sometimes.

co sleeping is not for me

first, let me explain for those that don't know, co sleeping is the practice of parents sharing their beds with their infants and young toddlers. some of the benefits are that it helps babies stay asleep and get back to sleep faster if they wake at night, because they are already next to their parents. also, it's easier when breastfeeding babies, because when they get up at night, everybody that needs to be together already is. lastly, those parents that work or can't be with their children all day are at least able to spend time with them at night, getting all the hugs and cuddles in that they can.

in truth, i don't like this practice, and don't subscribe to it. it was recommended that i try co sleeping when i was having so many problems breast feeding fishie. the thing is, i know myself, and i know that i am such a sound sleeper, and roll and move so much, that if i had my baby in bed with me, chances are i would roll or smush or something equally awful would happen to them. and that it part of the problem with co sleeping, which is why most doctors warn against it. studies show that babies get crushed. or, because they're so small, they can get themselves tangled in pillows and blankets and smoother themselves. i never tried co sleeping with my boys, i was always against it, and i really didn't want to do it with fish.

with the boys, from the outset, i set them up in their own bedrooms, in their own beds (really cribs), and they understood that is where they were supposed to sleep. when they came home from the hospital, they slept in the nursery right away, none of that sharing our bed or even our room. the crib was right across the hall from my bed, within sight if i left both doors open, and i felt that was the place they were supposed to be. and as they grew, because they were used to sleeping in their own bedrooms, i didn't have to worry about them wandering to find me if they woke up in the middle of the night. they stayed in their rooms, they didn't try to share my bed, and i liked that just fine.

unfortunately, fishie never quite got that message. it probably didn't help that maybe two months before we had to leave our old house and live with my mom, she just started sleeping in her toddler bed. she did not get used to it as quickly as the boys. when they were little, when it was time for bed, i would put them to bed and they would stay there. i might hear them wake up, but they were very good about putting themselves back to sleep. though the house that the boys were babies in had two floors, so when they would wake up, it was easier for them to go back to sleep then to try to make it down the stairs. the house that fish was a baby in was all one floor, and her room happened to be right next to the living room, so whenever she would wake up, she could stumble into where her dad and i were and climb on our lap instead of putting herself back to sleep.

another fun fact about my kids and toddler beds is that we put dear bumble in a toddler bed shortly after he turned one, simply because we needed the crib for lumpy. and then we got bunk beds and had bumble sleep on the top and lumpy sleep on the bottom when they were very young, because we had to turn the nursery into guest room for a guest that had to stay with us. so, thinking back, lumpy never actually made it to a toddler bed, he went straight from the crib to the bottom bunk. fish's transition was a more interesting story. one night, she woke up maybe an hour after we had put her down to sleep. dear hubby and i were letting her cry for a bit to see if she could get herself back to sleep. suddenly we heard a thump, and before we could even get up to see what had happened, she was standing in the living room, confused and still crying (she was completely fine, by the way). that was the point we realized she was big enough to climb out of her crib herself, and we converted it into a toddler bed, which she's been sleeping in since then.

fast forward almost a year, and we are almost to the point of moving out of my mother's house and into our own. which means, for the first time since september, fishie will be sleeping in her own room all by herself. at the moment, her toddler bed happens to be in the same room that my hubby and i are in, and any time she wakes up now, she just gets up and climbs in bed with us. it's very frustrating, because now that she's gotten bigger, she's become a bed hog and steals my blanket and pillows. more than that, i am worried how she'll do when we move to our new house. i know people that shared rooms with their babies and toddlers, and how hard it was for their children to transition into their own "big kid" room. i can remember hearing the stories about the fights and the tears, and how the kids wouldn't stay in their bed and would only sleep if they were with their parents. it's one of the main reasons i did everything i could to avoid it with my boys, but now i'm afraid i'll have to face that fight with my fish. and i'm not looking forward to it.

bubbles, tiny bubbles

one would think that after all these years of having kids, the wonder and amazement of children about the simplest things wouldn't surprise me so much. and yet, it does. the way the boys get when they learn new things, see an interesting new bug, or realize something that they can do all by themselves, they get so excited.

fishie, of course, is just as excited and amazed with herself and her new abilities. with her, though, it's even more amusing to watch, because the things that captivate her are sometimes such simple things. i forget how young she is, and how things are still so new for her. like blowing bubbles.

every easter, the big bunny puts bubbles stuff in their easter baskets. maybe he knows how much the boys like blowing bubbles. or maybe he realizes the ridiculous amount of candy my kids get from everyone else and knows they don't need a basket full from him. so for whatever reason, every year my kids get bubble stuff.

now, this year wasn't fishie's first easter, technically it was her third, but in the previous years, she was a little young to realize that she got anything beyond lollipops. this year, though, she's been able to sample most of the different types of candy in her basket. and a few days ago, it was nice enough that i took her outside to show her the bubbles she got.

every year, my kids and i blow bubbles. the boys still like it, and they've gotten big enough that i've started buying them the special wands that make the huge bubbles. so now it turns into a competition about who can blow the biggest bubbles. or they let me blow giant bubbles and they have a race to see who can pop the most.

this year, fish finally gets the concept of blowing and not trying to drink the bubble stuff or put the wand in her mouth (huzzah for being non-toxic). so i took her outside and was showing her how to blow bubbles. then, being the independent sort of toddler that she is, she took everything out of my hands and did it herself. and she was amazing at blowing bubbles. and of course she was amazed at herself. we had to stay outside until she ran out of bubble stuff.

the next day, we "borrowed" some of her brothers' bubbles and blew more. and then we blew through everything we had and i had to go buy more. now i'm looking around for a good recipe to make more, because i see many days of blowing bubbles in our future.

my boys are funny without even trying

allow me to set the stage: last night, at dinner, it was just my boys and fishie and one grammy and me. dinner was pretty much a flop, i should have started earlier or set the oven temperature higher, and even a quick shot in the microwave at the end didn't save it, but i'm over it. anyway, while the boys are finishing up eating, we were all trying to get dear fish to name her body parts. it helps to keep her distracted from throwing things when she's done eating, plus i think it's important stuff for her to know.

so we were going over her knee and her elbow and her chin. and then lumpy was trying to get her to say "feet," because he kept asking her about a body part that starts with an "f." i was trying to tell him that she doesn't understand which words start with what letters, that's a little beyond her at this point. she didn't understand she was supposed to say "feet," so she said "toes" instead. with little boys, and a sister that is starting to say anything, that got us on a discussion of stinky feet and stinky toes.

and then the one dog started barking, as he often does. and fishie's new favorite thing to ask is "what's that noise?" i explained it was probably a squirrel at the bird feeder. the boys didn't want to let the talk of stinky toes drop, so they asked her again who has stinky feet, and she came up with squirrels are stinky.

and then dear lumpy said that "squirrels are stinky because they smell like nuts."

yes, really. i almost died trying not to laugh. because it was funny, but i don't think it was funny the way he meant. he honestly doesn't like the smell of tree nuts, like walnuts and pecans. still, we were talking body parts, and they are boys. and body humor is hilarious when you're seven. it's just not appropriate dinner conversation, hence the trying not to laugh.

of course, it was pretty funny. the things they come up with sometimes amaze me, and they things they can get away with saying.

winter camp

this weekend was filled with fun and things and stuff and busy-ness. the boys and i went to winter camp with the cub scouts, a first for lumpy and i. if nothing else, i know he had a great time. the one dark patch was that i didn't think to bring sunscreen, and it was so lovely over the weekend, i ended up getting sunburned. still, all in all, my boys did very well and we are very proud of them.

it was nice, at least as far as bumble is concerned, to get to stand back and watch him interact with kids i've mostly just heard about and see how he did. sometimes he tells me how things go, and i've learned not to always take him literally. he's with a good group of kids, and watching them all play made me realize how good it is for him to interact with them in a more controlled environment then what he gets when he's at school with no parents around. my hubby is the one that was with him last year, so i missed out on most of the fun, but this year i got to go through it with lumpy.

and dear lumpy was his usual fun self. he had a blast, and for him it was doubly fun, because his den and his brother's den were together, so it was a huge group of kids he knows and already played with. there were times where he got all hyped up, and i could hear him rambling on and on, but everybody was very nice about it.

the other interesting thing for me was that i was finally able to really put names and faces together with the parents of the kids in bumble's den. it's very strange, sometimes, when they all know me through things my hubby and bumbles has said, but we've never been introduced so i really didn't know who they were. and with my hubby not being one for taking pictures, it's sometimes hard to remember who is who when they've only been pointed out in a crowd. and with me being so bad with names, it really made things tough.

so overall, it was a fun time. still, i think it's more something i can check off my list then look forward to. for me, there's too much else involved in the background that gets in the way of enjoying it. but i know it's important, and i will probably go again next year if the boys are split up into different cabins. it was nice they were together this year because my hubby wasn't able to make it the whole time and i was able to stay with both of them. besides, there are very few things that lumpy is actually willing to do with me, his not so cool parent that doesn't go quad riding or fishing or play football with him, so i know i need to cherish this time with him. eventually he'll get older and want to do things on his own and not have him lame mom following him around. even if he'll always be my baby boy.

boys vs. girls

i was going to write a long and rambling post about how boys are easier to raise than girls. and i had written most of it, so when i say "long and rambling," i really mean it.

honestly though, the simple truth is kids are kids. and when they start as babies, it doesn't matter what they have under their diaper, they need food and clothing and love and safety. and when they get to the child stage, they still need all of that, plus the freedom to explore their world and the reassurance that they are going to be ok at all times. the needs of children are simple things.

it's when life throws you a curve that things get not so simple, and as they get older, dealing with kids as they turn into tweens and teens gets more and more complicated. but i don't think it has anything to do with a break down along the gender lines. we as parents are raising our children to be their own person, to be individuals, and to lump all boys together or all girls together along some gender biased line seems wrong to me.

all kids are unique and they will present their parents with unique challenges. they will have their own strengths and weaknesses, and we, as we raise them, are supposed to show them how to highlight the best in themselves while trying to help them deal with the worst.

maybe i think like this because i'm not trying to raise my boys as "boys" or my dear fish as a "girl." i just want happy kids. and if that means that fish plays with monster trucks and wrestles and gets muddy, i'm all for it. and if one of the boys would rather help in the kitchen and have tea parties with his sister, then why should i stop him? i love my kids for who they are, not for what i can make them become. but then, i'm beginning to realize i might be in a minority with that kind of crazy talk.

still, there is one way in which boys are easier to raise than girls, at least for me. because fish has such beautiful hair, curly and shiny and blond like mine was, i don't want to cut it. and let me say, after years of getting away with giving the boys buzz cuts, actually having to brush a toddler's hair sucks.

after this, i should get to go back to bed

today i'd like to rant a bit about my morning, about how much is sucked, and about how it could have all been avoided if people listened to me. or if my crazy side listened to my more rational side. but i'd still prefer to blame others, because seriously, who wouldn't?

anyway, way back in december, when lumpy had his regular yearly check-up, he kind of failed the hearing screening they gave him. i didn't think it was a big deal, but according to the doctors, he needed to see a specialist to make sure everything was all good.

really, i think when he took the tests he was just distracted. like fish and bumble were in the room with us at his regular doctor when they did the screening, and that's a lot going on in a little room. and i'm sure there was some similar distraction when they screened him at school. so i told his doctor i wasn't worried, but they still wanted me to take him for a proper test. so they sent out a referral, and the audiologist set something up for the middle of april.

well, yesterday i get a call saying that they have to change his appointment in april because something came up, but they have an opening at 8am today, could i bring him in then? and i said sure before i thought too much about it. and then i hung up the phone and kicked myself, because i realized what i just agreed to.

see, the specialist he was going to see was the same people i had taken fishie to on monday, because she has legitimate ear issues. the thing is, they're in the children's hospital that's about 45 minutes from where we live now. so to get there by 8am, we had to leave by 715am, which is crazy. just so you understand, my alarm goes off at 710am when i only have to get the boys on the bus. this morning i had to get up at 630am, which proves i'm obviously insane because i willingly agree to ridiculously early doctor's appointments that i don't think are necessary.

i am not a morning person. have i mentioned that yet? because it's seriously oh so true. in fact, the only morning person in my family is my dear bumble, and he's the only one that didn't have to get up crazy early to get to the doctor's. fun fact is that while i was getting up lumpy, bumble woke up anyway like it was nothing. poor dear lumpy, i had to help him get dressed and practically carry him to the car. thank goodness he doesn't weigh much.

so i loaded him and fishie up, and got to drive through stupid morning traffic. that's the other reason i must have gone insane when i agreed to this appointment, because for us to get to where the hospital is we had to drive around a major city center, and of course, at 730am, all the normal business types are trying to get to work. so i had to leave extra early to make sure we got there on time. and we did, thankfully.

and, as i knew would happen, we arrived at the office, checked in, and they took us right back. because of course they're not busy at 8am. and i talked to the doctor about my concerns, or lack there of. and she administered the test, which had lumpy sit in a soundproof room and listen for tones while fish and i waited in the hallway. and what do you know, but with no distractions he passed with flying colors.

so we were seriously in the office for about 15 minutes. and after that it was back in the car and rushing to get lumpy to school on time. which i managed to do, thank you very much.

so yeah, crazy busy morning. especially since getting through all of that is more than i do most days. so i feel like i deserve a medal or award or nap or something. though i suppose i can just reward myself with a cookie.