my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

September 21, 2012

a mother knows

so today i was going to talk about something personal and embarassing. but i can't really concentrate because, at the moment, i have a screaming two year old flailing on my couch.

on top of that, i am tired. like really crazy tired. because little miss stinky pants (aka my dear fish), has decided that if people in the house are awake when she wakes up in the middle of the night, then she needs to be awake too. or, like she did last night, if she wakes up and no one is awake, she needs to come and wake me up.

usually i can plunk her back in bed and she'll stay there and go back to sleep. and that's kind of sort of what happened last night. only we got to repeat the routine like ten times. and the way it usually goes is that i get her back in bed and then i go back to bed, and when i'm just about asleep, she wakes back up.

she wasn't always like this. just mostly like this. but she's had good stretches where she'll sleep through the night. but then she has a few bad days, or weeks, where sleeping at night isn't her thing. and the worst part is that i know there is something wrong. because it's like it was last summer, when things were getting worse and worse and worse, and we went through all sorts of tests to figure out what was going on. they preformed surgery to help her breathe, and then things were much better. for a while.

now it's gotten to the point where things are really bad again. and we're going through all the "fun" tests again. she had a sleep study done monday night. some of my family asked if they told me any of the results, and no, they didn't tell me anything. i have to wait to talk results until mid october. not that i was really concerned with knowing how little she was breathing, sleeping next to her i can hear how many times she stops and for how long. and even if i knew the numbers, i know it's not anything i can fix on my own anyway.

so i'm not sure what our plan of attack will be this time. i know i'd like to have her tested for allergies, to see if it's just a seasonal reaction in her body, and that maybe some prescription strength meds might help. though if she's anything like lumpy, it won't matter what allergy test they do, he never had a positive reaction to anything, but he still needs the allergy meds to help him get through the day.

like i said, i'm not sure what treatment the doctors will come up with. unfortunately, like both her brothers, there is something wrong. i know there is something wrong. it's not easily definable or diagnosable. and in the case of lumpy, it's not easily treatable. as much as i don't want to admit it, my kids have issues, medical, physical, emotional. and even if i can't always get their doctors to believe me, a mother knows when something is wrong. like now.

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