my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

September 23, 2012

forgive and forget

*a post from my archives. something that was written and never got published, but i just didn't have the heart to delete it. so here it is, in all it's crazy glory.*

i have been hurt in the past. really hurt really badly by people that i trusted. maybe i was just an easy target, maybe i had it coming, maybe i did something wrong. or maybe i'm just making excuses for them, and they really are just jerks. whatever the case, i know that i am damaged, and i am fighting to overcome that every day.

the problem i'm really having now is that i still have some of these people in my life. or rather, they have re-entered my life. and things are different now, we are different now. i am not the scared little girl i once was. they are not the vindictive people they were either. so now, we're trying to get along, trying to move past all the hurt and the pain and the damage.

there are two big problems with that though, two things standing in the way of moving on. or rather, of me moving on. the first is that, though they don't act like they once did and they don't dothe things they used to do and treat me how they used to treat me, i still get no sense from them that they are sorry for what they had done. i really don't believe that they think they did anything wrong in treating me how they did. just because it's not how they treat me now, doesn't mean that i'm ok with how they treated me then.

i almost feel like i want them to apologize for how they acted. and i know i could tell them i want them to apologize, but i just don't think that would do any good. they don't think they did wrong, so i doubt they'd apologize. also, part of me doesn't want to ask for an apology because i really don't want to have to explain why i want one. i don't want to have to bring up the past, i don't want to relive all those awful things. i would rather bury those memories deep down inside and pretend none of it ever happened and just move on. because it really seems like they've forgotten everything that went on, and i feel like i should too.

the other problem is that i can't forget. i can't just pretend it never happened. well, i can pretend, but there are times when i look at them and it all comes back. so i'm on edge in their presence. i am alert and ready to bolt. so being around them is a stressful experience. even though i'm trying my hardest not to let it affect me, it is.

i guess, when these two issues combine, them not feeling like they did anything wrong and me feeling nervous around them, it makes me wonder if i'm nervous for no reason. i remember what they did, but those memories are clouded by time and space and so many other experiences. maybe i'm not remembering things correctly. maybe i'm confusing some of their actions with somebody else. maybe it never really happened at all. it would explain why they don't act at all remorseful for their previous actions, because there really is nothing for them to feel bad about.

and so we're at the point where i continue to try and pretend it never happened, because maybe that's exactly what they're doing. or it really never happened, and i'm truly the crazy one. either way, i don't think i'll be saying anything. i'd much rather suppress than confront, it's just my way. i need to try to forgive and just move on, accept that i can't change my past and let it be. they are different, i am different, and it won't happen again. this time, i won't allow it.

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