the weird family

as summer winds down, i have been taking an inventory of things i have learned over the summer. some of the basics aren't really new, such as sometimes my boys are super amazing together and sometimes they're like rabid dogs at each others' throats. i have seen how fish can play well with other kids, but only on her terms; when she is done playing and wants to be left alone, she is loud enough and big enough that she can get her way.

other things, though, are truths i suppose i should have realized long ago but have been blind to. this summer, and all of the activities we've participated in, have reinforced those truths. or truth, because there is one that is all encompassing and umbrellas all small nuggets of wisdom. it is that my family is strange.

now yes, i know, in this day it is kind of hip to say that everyone should be their own unique person and kids should be themselves and be proud when they are. still, there are social acceptable norms that a family shouldn't stray too far from, kind of like it's ok to be weird, just not too weird. my family blast through those lines without looking back.

like when we all go to play at the playground for some outside family fun, and it is my kids that are yelling and screaming and carrying on too loudly. and bumble is playing with the very little kids because he doesn't get along well with those of his size. and fish is jumping off of things and crying that she hurt herself, and when i call her over to see if she's ok the first thing out of her mouth is she wants to know if she's in trouble. and lumpy making everything into a gun or weapon or some war game, making very specific references to violent video games he probably shouldn't know. and all the while i am getting judgy side-eye from all the other parents for ruining their peaceful day out.

it's also fun to get confirmation your kids are the weird ones when they go to scout camp by themselves. and one doesn't play so well with others because they are a very strict rule follower, and they get into fights with other kids who want to play and maybe don't follow the rules to the letter, and that's not ok by them. and then the other one, who has known social issues, has so much trouble interacting with the other boys that the leaders have to sit everyone down and explain that bullying is not ok.

i already have issues going out and interacting with others in public, i would be very happy never to have to leave the house. the fact that my kids are the weird kids does not make going out any easier. i don't really help myself though, because i am always overly prepared, with a giant purse filled with just in case supplies, and i am terrible at small talk so i don't try to make any, and when i do end up talking i trail off mid-sentence or talk too fast and too loud.

so yeah, all the interactions we've had this summer has just confirmed what i always feared, that my family is the weird family. and so much these days says to revel in your strangeness and embrace your differences, but it's hard when you live in a conservative area and being different isn't always celebrated. at least i know it'll never be boring around here.

adventures in getting to school

when bumble first started kindergarten, we used to drive to the bus stop. mind you, the bus stop was actually very close to our house, if i walked down to the end of our shared driveway, i could see it. the thing is, our shared driveway ended on a very busy street, and i just wasn't comfortable walking him and his brother down that road. especially since we would have to cross the street to get to where the stop was and there was no sidewalk so we were forced to walk along the shoulder. so as wasteful as it might seem to others driving such a short distance twice a day everyday, it's what we did.

then, when we were living with my moms, we still drove to the bus stop. we technically could have walked, it wasn't that far, and my moms lived in a quiet area. the problem was really that we were never all together and ready early enough that we could make it to the stop. there were many mornings that i can remember where we would pull up right behind the bus as it stopped, and my boys would jump out and run while i beeped so the bus would know not to pull away. have i mentioned how hard it is for us to get our stuff together so we can actually get to places on time? we rarely walked in the afternoon either. the boys were always bugging me to walk home, for whatever reason they thought it would be fun. the first day that it was nice, i threw fish in her stroller and we walked to get the boys, and then less than halfway home lumpy started crying. it seems that the bus ride was extra long and he had to go pee. we ended up "borrowing" a neighbor's bushes, and it was a long time before we tried walking home again.

now we live in a nice little neighborhood. quieter, and with sidewalks everywhere. and because the elementary school that my boys attend is connected to our neighborhood by a footpath, any child that goes to that school and lives in this neighborhood has to walk. technically, we have a choice: either we walk everyday or i can drive them everyday. depending on the weather, i will drive them, but most days we walk. of course, there are still days where we are running late in the mornings, and i end up driving them because they'll never make it if we tried to walk. or there has been a time or two when fish decided to take her nap at pick up time, so i'd plunk her in bed beside her dad, and then i'd drive to get the boys so i could get back quicker.

but now it's spring. and with the nicer weather and longer days, it seems easier to get up and going in the mornings. so we're trying something new: i am letting the boys walk by themselves in the mornings. for the longest time, i was worried to let them go, even though we live in a safe neighborhood. even though we see the same people whenever we walked together, usually people with dogs that walk the same way everyday. even though there are bunches of other kids that also walk. in fact, i finally realized that there are quite a number of other kids that walk by themselves everyday. so we sat and talked about it. and i talked about it with my husband. and everybody agreed that the boys were old enough, were ready.

still, we have walking rules. they go the same way everyday, which is the same way they'd go if i was with them. they always stay together. they don't talk to anyone they don't know, grown ups or kids, it doesn't matter. they walk straight to school, no detours.

so far, it's been good. they've made it to school on time every time, though i still have to tell them when to leave. and i always panic a little until after i know the school day started and the school didn't call wondering where my boys are. but then, that's just how it is, when you're a mom.

sring break

my boys are on spring break right now. it boggles my mind that they have such a thing. everyone else i know with kids in other districts near and far don't have to deal with this, the trecherous evil of the school board to give kids a vacation with a weekend filled with sugar and candy smack in the middle of it.

last week was a short week for them. it snowed monday, and though they could have handled a two hour delay, the school closed and the boys had off. then on thursday, the "start" of break, they only had a half day. it still counts as a full day of school, but really it's a day to rush through a little bit of work and then let the kids play "educational" games. not that i'm really complaining about them playing those kinds of games in school. lumpy needs more practice playing games with peers, unfortunately he's sometimes lacking in the good sportsmanship department. and it's not he's really a sore winner or loser, it's that sometimes people want to modify the rules to make things more fair or run smoother, and he freaks out. lumpy is a stickler for following rules to the letter, and working any loophole made by them.

well on thursday, i picked the boys up from school, and bumble came home with easter candy, so i can only imagine how much work was done if they stopped to hand out candy to all the kids. it is at that point i realized this break would be sugar-fueled craziness.

they then had off on friday, and they don't go back to school until this thursday, so it's almost a week off. and it really doesn't help that we had an easter dinner with my moms on saturday, and then with my dad on sunday, at both of which they got more candy. and of course, the easter bunny had to stop at our house sunday morning. though the easter bunny here was clever and left a handful of candy and a nice toy instead of a basket full of sugar.

still, it's been sugar overload. everyday, a few times a day, they have a piece or two of candy. i'm trying to be reasonable, and we're talking about appropriate serving sizes together so they understand, but still, that kind of constant sugar buzz is something they're not used to. and i know there have been studies done that say sugar doesn't wind up kids, and that might technically be true, because the amount of sugar they're eating is not what is calling their craziness. it's the fact that they're eating any sugar, because they're not used to it, that winds my kids up so. it's the treats, and then going out and doing things, it's all the over stimulation. all three of them have been bouncing off the walls at different times, and then dropping down in a crash when they don't get what they want.

unfortunately, my boys need the structure of school to help them hold their emotions in, and i just don't have the time and energy to keep a constant super schedule going at home. especially at this point, where everybody is bouncing around like rabid monkeys, i'm lucky to keep everything from falling into total chaos. i believe all of us are secretly, or not so secretly, counting down the days until school starts again. and already, i shudder to think what summer will hold.

keep it together until it comes together

i am by no means perfect. i don't even pretend to be perfect. there are days where i feel lucky to make it out of the house in one piece only slightly late while forgetting one or two things. seriously, my goal in life is to be able to get everyone in my house out the door on time for a whole week completely prepared for their day. it hasn't happened yet, but when it does, i will be throwing myself a party.

and so, when i'm out and about, at the store or on the way to school for example, i look at other moms with pity and understanding. because i know what it's like not to have it all together. and i'd hope that they look at me with the same sort of understanding.

like if i'm grocery shopping, and i hear screaming. full pitched, throwing a fit, should be accompanied by rolling on the floor and kicking feet, i feel bad for whoever that kid belongs to. well, my first reaction is to be glad it's not mine, because there but for the grace of god it could be. and then, i feel for them. because i've been there. in fact, there are times i'm there right now, because dear fish thinks she's a big girl so she doesn't want to sit in a shopping cart anymore. and it's hard to keep her near me and not run off. and it's hard to get her to not touch everything. and some days i just don't have the patience to deal, and i strap her in the cart, and then she screams bloody murder. so i know how it goes with kids in stores sometimes.

i try to be organized. i try to have it all together. mostly, i'm trying to get my boys to realize that they are old enough to mind their own stuff and get themselves ready. because if they could manage that, then all i'd have to do is focus on myself and fish (and making sure their dad is awake, but that's a whole different challenge). lately, they've been telling me that they are old enough and responsible enough to handle everything, and i've let them try and prove themselves. and sometimes it goes well. and sometimes they have a water fight when they're supposed to be brushing their teeth. or bumble forgets to wear his glasses to school. or lumpy forgets to give me the papers he brought home, the ones i was supposed to sign.

i know i wasn't always the most together and with it person, or maybe i never really was, but it seems to me that i have become less and less organized over the years. and yes, i know that i'm not only responsible for myself, but also for all the people that reside in my house, so i've got more work to do just to get out the door. but there are days where i can get everyone up and dressed and moving and out the door on time, but i forget to brush my own teeth. and it seems lately that's how it goes, that i can remember everything for everybody else, but i forget myself sometimes.

i must admit that things are slowly getting better. there are weeks where i remember to help the boys with all of their school work, and only forget the work they were supposed to do for cub scouts. and when i go to the store, i actually remember my list and only forget to buy the things i forgot to write down. and most weeks i actually remember all the places we're supposed to go, even if we're a little late for most of them.

i also know that this state of barely controlled chaos is temporary. as my kids get older and actually become more self sufficient, they'll be able to manage their own affairs and better remember their own responsibilities without needing me to constantly remind them. and one day, i'll look back on all this craziness and wonder where my children went, as eventually i'll be surrounded by young adults who are too cool to hang out with their mother. so i've been told to cherish this time, even though many days all i want is for people to take control of their own affairs so i have the time to manage mine. also, most days i'd like a nap.

my dear smart boy

bumble struggles with school. he has issues and trouble, and he's getting tons of help by very qualified teachers and assistants in school. but that doesn't mean we get to be lazy at home. oh no, part of his action plan is not only all of his school work, but also a rigorous schedule of homework. extra work beyond what is assigned to all of the other kids. he has flash cards and worksheets and general practice we have to do.

a lot of this extra special homework is stuff i can have him do on his own, and then check over to make sure he's getting the concept he's practicing. some of it, though, i have to sit with him and work with him and help him with.

so on a typical day, after all the regular homework stuffs and the special homework stuffs and having dinner (the making, the eating, the cleaning up after), there isn't much extra time to do anything that isn't required. which is why, most nights, lumpy gets to do whatever he wants. his only real duty is to keep his sister quiet so his brother and i can work.

see, for whatever reason, lumpy's teacher this year has said that she just wants to let kids be kids, so unless they're struggling with something they work on in class, she won't assign homework. which means he hardly ever gets homework.

already poor bumble has said how not fair it is that he gets tons of homework and lumpy doesn't get any. honestly, i also think lumpy's teacher's view is a little strange. it's especially strange because last year, when we were in a different school and he was only in first grade, lumpy was bringing home a book every night to read and a math worksheet to practice. and now, because he does so well in class during the day, he rarely brings anything home.

i guess it's also strange to me because to look at both my boys together, to see their abilities, it's amazing how far behind one is and how advanced the other. for the longest time i would worry about what would happen when lumpy would catch up to bumble, because it was clear from the beginning that it would happen one day. well honestly, i shouldn't have worried, because lumpy is miles ahead in reading and writing and spelling, and hasn't made a big deal about it. in fact, my usually un-empathetic boy barely said anything when bumble brought home books to read that he had brought home months before.

it does make me wonder, though, if i had the time to spend with him and help him and work with him, how much further along would he be? all my time is devoted to trying to help bumble catch up to his grade levels, so it's a blessing that lumpy can manage most of his work on his own. i already know he's intelligent, and he's proven that he's clever, it makes me hope all the more that things get figured out with his brother, because i have a feeling that lumpy could really go places and impress people. if only i had time to help him along.

oh poodles

any parent of a small child, or a child that once was small, knows one fun little fact. in truth, it's something that anyone that has come in contact with a small child for any length of time probably knows. small children are parrots. not that they hang out with pirates and eat crackers, though mine would love that. what i want to talk about here is that small ones will repeat whatever you say.

sometimes it's funny. saying complicated words and phrases, and then hearing them repeated with a cute little toddler lisp is adorable. or when you have to have a serious talk with one kid, and the little one repeats your lecture, word for word, while standing right behind you. even better is when they copy your stance, hand on hip with one finger raised. it helps to remind you that your kids are only young for so long, and maybe making a huge deal about a messy room that you've told them to clean up for the millionth time is not as world ending as you previously thought.

and their parrot skills are strange at times. hearing them say phrases out of context is weird, but when they say things that are spot on, like "that is absolutely terrible" in response to your complaints about having to put away yet another load of laundry, is even weirder.

though what i really remember from when the boys went through this stage, and it is really brought to mind with my dear fish just entering it, is that they will repeat all the things you don't want them to say. when bumble was around two, you could get him to say anything. in fact, it was his favorite game. it was cute when we'd watch old kung fu movies and he'd yell along and swing a fake sword. it was way less cute when he'd repeat at the dinner table things he might have heard me mention in traffic. and that's what dear fish is doing now: she's telling the boys that "daddy is going to kick your ass" for doing something wrong. not that it ever actually happens, but perhaps it's something she's heard the boys threatened with on more than one occasion.

and so, to combat her developing the vocabulary of a well seasoned sailor, my family and i have tried to use words that sound like the ones we really want to say. like fudge. or dumpster (my sister's favorite). and i've started to use "oh poodles" for just about everything. because even if fishie repeats poodles, it sounds innocent no matter how it comes out. unlike fudge, which if slurred by a two year old just right, still sounds like the f-word we're trying not to say.

the strange things is that now i say it even when i don't have to. even when i'm around other grown ups, or even just by myself, i still say poodles. which i guess isn't so bad, it's safer to be so used to saying it that i won't slip up and say something i shouldn't. at this stage, i'm trying to expand fish's vocabulary in good ways, with words like probably and fantastic. learning all those other words sounds like a job for poppop.

"worst mom ever"

like most parents, i sometimes doubt my abilities to comfort and care for my children. i wonder if i have the skills and patience necessary to handle all the major and minor events in my kids' lives that they will need help coping with.

what i'd like to talk about now is not one of those times.

since we moved into our new house, my boys have made friends in the neighborhood that they go and play with. in all of the places we've lived before, they didn't get much contact with other kids beyond school and scouts, so this is all new to them and to me. we never really had ground rules about how late they could stay out, how far down the block they could go, and into who's house they could enter. we also never had to worry about other kids randomly ringing our doorbell, asking if my boys could come out and play. or my boys randomly bringing other kids into our house.

and because we never had to have these discussions on rules and boundaries, i never really thought about my stance on such topics. and i definitely wasn't prepared to have these talks with my boys, especially with an audience of their friends right in front of me. it's all kind of thrown me for a loop.

the other thing about being totally unprepared is that sometimes i make rules, we set boundaries, we talk about what the protocol is for certain activities, and then i find that it doesn't work. so we need to change how we do things. honestly, i think that as kids grow, rules will constantly be changing because kids are constantly different. as they grow they want more freedom to explore. and sometimes the easiest punishment is to revoke some of that freedom they previously earned.

the thing is, my boys don't deal with change well. like at all. routines are their favorite. they like to know what to expect and what will happen next. so to change things on them is to stress them out. which, according to them, makes me a bad mom. and to punish them by not letting them play with their friends as much as they'd like also makes me extremely uncool. but the fact that, even on their best behaved days, they have less freedom then the rest of the kids in the whole neighborhood makes me the worst mom ever.

but i can handle their hate, because i know it's not universal. they're kids, testing their boundaries, seeing what they can get away with, hoping for all fun and no work. and as their mom, i know that they need to do their homework first before they go and play. and that it's not safe to run around after dark or to go into everyone and anyone's house, especially if i don't know where they're going to be. so even though they might not understand now that i really have their best interests in mind when i make these rules, one day, they'll see.

and until then, we still have to get through high school years. and at that point their sister will be a teenager. may the fates be kind for the next ten years.

important life lessons

i yell at my children, more often than i should admit to. but i yell at them with love and the best of intentions. and sometimes, i even yell good and important things at them. yesterday i was shown proof that at least one of them is listening.

i have already learned much about this walking to and from school business. i have learned that the boys are at an age where the school doesn't check if their parents are there before letting them out. in fact, there is a girl in bumble's grade who lives a block further away than us that walks by herself everyday. the boys think this is a  great idea, and want to implement it themselves. i said those famous motherly words: "we'll see."

i have also learned, through trial and error, that dear fish is not up to walking back and forth to the school twice a day. she is best at walking in the morning, and will even run to try and keep up with her brothers. in the afternoon, i push her in her stroller, and let her play on the playground while waiting for the boys to be released. i'm honestly not sure if the afternoon is harder because the walk falls so close to the end of nap time, or if i'm just out of patience for her dawdling at that point in the day. either way, the stroller works.

another thing i have learned is that there is more then on way to get from our house, through the neighborhood, and to school. with the crazy design of the streets, there are a silly number of different routes, but we have been trying to find the fastest. because there was some discussion between my boys and i about which way to go, we took a different path home yesterday afternoon.

it was, in my personal opinion, no shorter than our normal route. it was also not a way i would want to walk to school because of a large hill, but going home meant going down, and i was fine with that. the only plus i see in going that way is that we go past a different playground. thought it wasn't much of a plus yesterday because the slide was too hot to use and there was a spider on the see-saw.

so, instead of getting to play, we all agreed to walk home and eat popsicles. and because my boys are secretly teens and i am totally lame, they decided to run ahead while i slowly pushed their sister home.

and before i could even open my mouth, my dear fish yells "be careful and stay together!" and so they did.

all i could do was smile, because i knew, in spite of all of my doubts and fears of failure, my kids were at least getting the important stuff i was trying to teach them.

"all through the night"

i just realized something recently. my dear and beautiful fish is finally sleeping through the night. and it only just hit me because i also realized that, because she is sleeping all night, i get to sleep all night.

i know it might not seem like a big deal to some, but to those with little kids, you know how big of a deal this is. when babies sleep all night and don't get up for 2am feedings, it seems like such a parenting win. and when little toddlers don't get up and ask for a cup of water and a cuddle, it's just more proof that they're on their way to being a big kid.

now, when my boys were little, i never had a problem with them sleeping all night. i would put them down for bed, and they would stay there until it was time to get up in the morning. it might have had something to do with the fact that they've shared a room since lumpy was just over one and bumble was two, so if one got up they were able to comfort each other. little fish, always sleeping on her own, has been a completely different matter.

when she was little, she never really slept through the night. there were times where she would, but more often than not, she was up. and it wasn't that she was hungry or thirsty, it was just that she would wake up for whatever reason and then she'd need help settling down and going to sleep again. it was even worse when we transitioned her into a toddler bed, because then she'd get up crying and wander through the house until someone found her and put her back in bed. when we were staying with my mom, after we lost our house, she shared a room with my hubby and i, so she got very used to getting up and having us right there. and so, when we finally moved into our new house, it was hard for her to get used to sleeping in her own room in her own big girl bed.

this summer has been a crazy mash of not sleeping "normally." when we'd go places, usually all the kids would sleep together, so fish would have her brothers for comfort. and when people would come and visit, i would let people sleep in her room or in her bed, and have her sleep with my hubby and i. by the end of august, we were practicing our school routine, and so everybody was not only sleeping in their own bed by themselves, they were going to bed early and getting up early.

these last few days are kind of when it all hit me. fish has been going to bed just like her brothers, and she gets up with them in the morning. but she doesn't get up in the middle of the night any more. and no more fighting to go to sleep, with her screaming and crying that she's not tired, or i need to come in and hold her, or just sit and watch her fall asleep. nope, she's sleeping like a big girl, and i am so happy!

dress rehearsals

the summer is almost over. not by the calender, but by the standard of any family with young kids: school is starting. in fact, for my boys, it starts tomorrow.

that means that starting last week, we've been getting up early. and then earlier and earlier every day until today, when we got up as early as we will need to tomorrow. and we've been practicing not only getting up, but also getting ready. so today was a full dress rehearsal in getting to school on time.

and really, i've needed all this practice as much as the boys, because this year is going to be different. last year i was able to get the boys up and breakfasted and dressed. then i'd grab fish and we'd hop in the car and drive to the bus stop, wait for the bus, and then drive home. i never realized how easy it was that i really only had to worry about getting two people ready to go.

this year they're walkers. which means i can't really get them to their school in my pj's. or i could, but it's a long walk in slippers. it also means that i can't really leave fish in her pj's either, because i'm trying not to look like the trashy family that runs around in sloppy clothes with messy hair. i don't want to embarrass my boys so early into their new school careers, i'll have years for that.

this morning we got up, had breakfast, got dressed, and walked all the way to school. and we actually made it with time to spare! and, just to see how'd she do and how it would go, i let fish walk the whole way. she made it the whole way there and only wanted to be carried when we were 20 yards away from being home.

the boys thought it was great fun getting to walk. lumpy was even up and ready to go before bumble. or he would have been if he hadn't had a small melt down with his shoe laces being in knots. but both boys walked ahead and waited at the corners to cross with fish and i. and my dear littlest even held my hand most of the way.

still, it's the last official day of summer according to them, so i'm letting them take it easy. no work books or reading today, just games and cartoons. poor fish is happy with an easy day too, walking more than a mile just after breakfast has her laying on the couch, ready for a nap. hopefully tomorrow goes just as smoothly.

and it will, i'm sure. as long as it doesn't rain. because i don't think we have enough umbrellas for everybody.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me

everybody always told me that raising boys and girls would be different. but really, i never believed them. because they were also the people that really followed the gender lines hard and straight. i, on the other hand, was always fine if my boys wanted to have a tea party or if my girl wanted to play with monster trucks. if it's something that's safe and age appropriate, who is to say that it has to be only for boys or only for girls?

i hate how toys sections are divided up, with shelves in the "girl" section actually pink, filled with barbies and baby dolls and dress up clothes. i hate to say it, but my little fishie girl likes to play with all her brothers' old toys, "boy" toys, and i'm fine with it. she runs around the yard with them, using nerf guns to shoot monsters and aliens. they've helped set up their matchbox tracks and she likes to jump the cars with the best of them. and her dino roar is even better then bumble's. and on the other side of things, bumble has played with her baby dolls with her, showed her how to feed them with the plastic bottles and rock them to sleep.

i know i've said it before, but if playing makes a child happy, and it is safe and age appropriate, i don't care if it's something that comes in a pink or blue box. and it seems that a lot of people don't have a problem if it's girls playing with boy toys, somehow that's empowerment, but a boy playing with girl toys is strange and wrong.

double standards suck, and i hate that it's still part of the world my kids have to grow up in. i try to explain that just because somebody else says that it's wrong, it's not necessarily bad, and they shouldn't feel bad for their choices. i consider respect to be the most important quality to teach my kids, respect for themselves, respect for others, and especially respect for those that are different from them. i've already had a conversation with my boys about how sometimes people are different, they do different things and believe in different things, and respect doesn't mean changing our beliefs, but letting them believe what they want as long as they respect my boys also. and bumble, at least, has shown me that he gets it.

and i know there are those that don't agree with how i'm raising my kids. even people i know personally have told me that i'm making my boys "soft" by letting them play with the toys they want and the games they want. which makes me sad for my boys, because it's not fair to them. it's a fact that fish will have the freedom growing up to wear pants and play in the dirt like a boy, and most will think she's a tom-boy and leave it at that. but if my boys try to wear a skirt i know i would never hear the end of it.

i know i've gone off on a rant here. and it's not the first time i talked about gender roles and double standards on this blog. for fishie's first halloween, i dressed her as a dragon, because i have a thing for group costumes, and her brother's decided to be knights. you can read that post here. later, i was told i was it was wrong to dress her as a dragon, i should have dressed her as a princess because she is a girl. it makes me so sad to think that people think it's ok to say things like that to people. what right do they have to force their values on other people?

i know that not everybody agrees with me, and i don't expect them to. and if anyone has a problem with the things i say here, they need to understand that everything i write is my thoughts on my life, and it's my personal opinion. and they totally have the freedom to not read. i just really wish they would respect my right to raise my children in the way that i see fit.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

i love my kids, i really do. they are my world. honestly, that statement is more true than i'd like, sometimes. in the eyes of many, i am a stay at home mom and nothing else. so without my children beside me, what does that make me?

at the moment, i'm not sure what it makes me. every summer, we pack my boys off to spend a few weeks with my in-laws. they live up town, a few hours away, and though we usually visit at least once a month throughout the year, it's never enough time for everybody to do all the things they want to do. and so, when school lets out, and when cub scout camp is done, they go and visit without my hubby and i. and this year, fish went too.

it's great for them, because without me there, they don't really have to follow my rules. though it's funny to hear them talk on the phone, because i can tell the certain routines we've established that they still try to follow, the ones that don't work in any place but home. but they get to stay up late and drink sugary drinks and watch all sorts of tv shows they're not allowed to watch at home. but what my boys love is that they get to go fishing and camping and ride their atvs, all the outdoor stuff they love to do that, unfortunately, we get too busy to do at home sometimes. so for them, these weeks spent away are a great vacation.

they're great for me, too. there are so many things that i put off doing because i just wasn't able to get it done with all the kids and their little grabby fingers here. things that i bought to do all the way back in december, projects i'm finally able to tackle. and there are still boxes i'm unpacking, which just goes so much faster when you don't have to stop for drinks or diaper changes or to break up fights. these weeks are my one time off i get each year, the only time i get more than 24 hours without my kids, where i can be home and do work.

it's nice for me. it's something i look forward to. it's something i desperately need some times. people throw around a lot of terms about parenting, attachment and helicopter, the french method and the tiger moms, discipline styles and punishment types, and it all makes my head spin sometimes. the thing is, i don't really feel i have a choice in the way that i parent, though maybe i do and i'm just lazy and not creative enough to see it. the truth is that i am home with my kids all the time, and if we go anywhere, we go there all together. so if they need something, i know. and if they have an issue, i am there to deal with it right away instead of them trying to work things out on their own. and as far as fish is concerned, i am here for her, always here for her, so whether it's 7pm or 3am, she just walks over and gets my attention to try and get what she wants.

and it's hard, and it's exhausting. and it's especially difficult to get others to understand what it's like. because unless i sit and pretend i don't see them, they just keep bugging me and yelling and screaming until they get my attention. or if i do ignore them, any of them, and they get the hint to go off and do their own thing, five minutes later it usually gets worse. conflict resolution is not a strong point for any of my kids, but then they've never had a chance to practice it, because they always have me. and i have talked to doctors and such, and they've said that sometimes, especially with fish, sometimes it's not so much that she wants or needs, but rather she likes to watch me jump.

that's why these weeks away have been hard on her, especially in the beginning. she wanted to come home, and was screaming and crying and throwing fits. and my dear mother-in-law said she was fine, that she would tell hubby and i when it was enough and we needed to come and get our little girl. because though everybody up there loves her, they won't carry her or hold her or cuddle her like i do. which i know, at this age, i don't need to do, but sometimes it's just easier to stop what i'm doing and put everything away to hold her than to listen to her screaming for ten minutes.

though some said they can't understand why i don't miss all the kids and want to go get them. and i do miss them. but sometimes i miss the ability to sit and watch a movie without having to pause it ten times. or i miss being able to get projects done that i've been putting off simply because i wouldn't be able to focus on them. sometimes i miss reading all the books i have, the ones with lots of words and no picutres. mostly i miss getting to take more than a five minute shower. and sleeping in. and not having to share whatever it is that i'm eating, and actually enjoy my food.

i love being a mom. but i also love doing activities that don't define me as such. and i miss all my kids, and i know they miss me, but i also know this is good for all of us. we all need distance to grow, and time by ourselves to be who we are as ourselves and not just as an extension of somebody else.

and then there were two

so here's a true fact: kids like animals. seriously, there is at least one animal that every child thinks is the coolest thing ever. and that is why kids like pets. and want pets. sometimes unreasonable pets.

this love affair with animals always starts out innocently enough. a fun little game to play with the very young is "what sound does a cow make?" and then the child says "moo" and everybody gets excited. and then you go through all the barnyard animals you can think of, because so many little ones have stuffed animals or pictures books with cows and pigs and chickens and horses. my kids always cracked up when they got to make turkey sounds. then you move on to not so common animal sounds, like rabbits and fish (seriously, my kids played this game on difficult). or, my favorite, the wild animals. because after monkeys and wolves, lions and tigers and bears all say roar. as do all dinosaurs, which is fish's current favorite.

anyway, after learning about all the different sounds animals make, then next step was to let them see all the animals in real life. which meant trips to zoos and aquariums. and of course, there was always the petting zoo area set up at community fun fairs. that was when things would go down hill, because after seeing and cuddling real live animals, then question became, can we get one?

and no, no you can not. because we are not farmers, i would have to endure the crushed look on my children's faces when i told them we were not going to raise goats or sheep or chickens. or even rabbits, the fluffiest traitors of all. conspiring with my kids to convince me to get them a pet, with big eyes and a fluffy butt.

not that i really have a problem with pets in general. just pets that we own. i am not really a pet person. i like cats very much, and have owned a number of them. but things always go wrong, and we have to get rid of them for one reason or another. i really am not big on dogs, but we've even owned a dog. things with her went very wrong, through no fault of our own, and she had to go too. taking care of pets is lots of work, and it always ends up on me, and lately, i'm just too busy to bother with it.

and so, this great desire of my children for a pet is met with the great compromise: a fish. because fish are easy, and most of all cheap. and though mammals were never able to last in our home, goldfish were another story.

until now, it seems.

we had gotten fish, and then they'd die, so we'd replace them, and the cycle would continue. my boys would name them and claim them as their own, but never get so attached that losing one was a traumatic experience. and then, four years ago, we got another tank worth of fish, and most didn't last. except for rocky. he lived with us for a long time, and even survived the move to my moms', where, instead of set up a tank inside, we dumped all the fish we had into her outside pond. and then it started getting colder, and we were worried that rocky wouldn't survive the winter, as he is a tank fish and not a pond fish. the rest we didn't care about, but rocky is huge with white and gold and black markings, so he was always easy to spot. so we took him, and a few friends, out of the pond and put him into a tank. and now that we are well established in our new home, we brought the tank, and rocky, with us.

unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be doing well. there was, at one time at my moms' house, seven fish in the tank. when we moved it over here, there were only three left. now, the two little pond fish are swimming around just fine, but poor rocky is bobbing around more than he is swimming. there are times that he swims, and i watched him eat, but i don't honestly think he's going to make it.

the saddest part, though, is that we brought the tank and the fish and set everything up while the kids are out of town, so they would be surprised when they got back. hopefully they'll be ok with the surprise of a tank of all new fish and no rocky. because i don't think i can afford to replace an eight inch multicolored fish and call him rocky II.

fancy writing

with all the craziness of moving, one thing i've had to keep in the back of my mind is that we are not only moving houses, the boys are moving into a completely different school district. that, of course, is fun and exciting and terrifying for all involved.

my dear lumpy has the kind of personality that i know he'll do well in any new environment. he makes friends easily, but even when he doesn't, he's happy to do his own thing by himself. poor bumble is the exact opposite. he struggles sometimes to make friends, and if people don't instantly like him, then he thinks they must absolutely hate him and gets so upset. we are working with his "talking doctor" to help him understand what are realistic goals and positive things he can do. one bright note is that we've worked it out that they are staying with the same great group of kids in cub scouts, so i know both of them will at least have some friends.

one thing that makes the transition extra tough on bumble is that he, and his peers, are beginning to realize that he has some difficulties in school, which set him apart and make him "different." and sometimes kids can be mean, and they use other's differences to poke fun at them. so over the summer we are going to work very hard as a family to keep up his reading level. we're going to drill him on all the spelling words he's learned. his lovely speech therapist is sending home materials we can use to help him practice all those pesky letter combinations that give him so much trouble.

because both the boys are going to be working so hard over the summer (lumpy will be reading too), i asked if there was anything special they wanted to learn, something extra that relates to school. making and exploding volcanoes was top of the list, so i might break out the paper mache. we then started brain storming more reasonable ideas, and bumble settled on learning "fancy writing," which will not only be fun to learn, it'll help him with his fine motor skills.

by fancy writing i of course mean cursive. which i know is a dying skill. i remember being forced to learn it when i was in school and about my boys' age, but i'm not sure if they teach it anymore. i know both my boys have access to computers and are learn those basic skills, but cursive writing seems to fall under the art category, and it's a useless one.

i still writing in cursive all the time. in fact, if i'm not typing, i'm writing in cursive. bumble used to say we had the fanciest grocery lists ever, and i helped him to read the curly letters so he could help get things into the cart. it might seem strange, but even a simple note to my hubby i write in cursive, somehow it seems faster for me to write like that. if i feel the need to print, like when i send notes in to school, i slow down and take my time and do my best to make it readable.

bumble was so interested in cursive, he taught himself to write his own name from a chart at the back of his planner. he has a little trouble getting the "s" quite right, but then, he has the same trouble when printing.

so this summer, i plan on trying to teach him to write cursive. it'll be fun and good practice. i know it's not exactly a practical skill, but it's something he's interested in learning, and if he masters it this summer i'm hoping it will give him confidence in his regular writing.

the kitchen is the heart

i know i haven't written or posted anything in a very long while. and this is an update/ramble/explanation of things. if you hadn't figured it out before, it's because we finally got the house we were hoping and trying and waiting for.

there were many glitches in getting it, and none were our fault. so of course it was especially frustrating. tempers flared, words were said, tears of sadness and frustration were shed. and, miracle of miracles, we got through it, mostly in tact. and now we are home owners. or will be, in about 30 years.

then came the fixing up the things that needed fixing before all the big furniture stuff was to be moved. and commence the yelling and anger and frustration. but through blood sweat and tears, we got it done. and this past saturday we moved almost everything in. and yesterday i was there again, just me and fishie, and while she played with her doll house (that she got for christmas and we were finally able to open), i put everything in my kitchen away. except for one box of stuff that used to live in drawers. but then i used to have six drawers and now only have two, so i have to find new homes for things.

and the boys' room is set and ready. and our room is set and ready. and the bathrooms are mostly ready. this weekend, my mom is going to help put the boarder on fish's walls and then we can get her room ready for her. and the kitchen is mostly done and the table is put together, i just need some help with the chairs. so dear hubby and i need to work on getting the basement/playroom ready for the boys and their toys. and we also need to arrange the living room stuff and get those boxes unpacked. and the bookshelves need to be set up.

so yes, things are looking better. it's looking more and more like a place we can live in and not a storage area for a thrift shop. though we still have time to get things set, because we aren't "officially" moving in until the beginning of june. we'll be in a different school district, and i'm letting the boys finish out their year instead of pulling them out with just a few weeks left.

i tried to write something of all this yesterday morning, and i have to say the feel of that post was very different. there are things that happened during this whole process that i don't want to talk about. and there are things that i know better than to talk about, along the lines of leaving sleeping dogs lie and all that. but still i wanted to update everybody as to the status of things. and i wanted to post at least something, because i didn't want to let things lapse like i had before. now that my kitchen is my kitchen, filled with all of my stuff, i feel more like my house is my own. and so i'm in a better frame of mind, i have a more hopeful outlook, that things are going well and everything will be ok again.

the bedrooms might be where we sleep and recharge, they're where we dreams and think and wonder and hope. and the living room is where we spend our time together, bonding with games and movies and music, impromptu wrestling matches and dance parties. but the kitchen, at least for me, is the most important room in the any house. it's where i feed my family, body and soul, and to me it's the comforting, comfortable place. the bedroom may be the head, and the living room the fun, but the kitchen is the heart. and after so many months, i finally have one i can truly call my own again.

a cupcake party is the best kind of party

tonight i am helping my dear hubby host a cupcake party for his lovely cub scout den, as it is the last official meeting of the year. next friday is crossover, and then they don't have any den meetings until september or so.

i would like to say he had to twist my arm, because then i could say that he owed me for all my help, but honestly i'm the one that came up with the idea. his idea was to have a pizza party. i told him, and i think so did some of the parents of his cub scouts, that eating pizza at a meeting that starts at 7pm on a school night is just too late. he had wanted me to make cupcakes to bring, but i told him that if they weren't going to eat pizza, then they could decorate cupcakes as an activity to keep the kids busy while the parents went over all the important info.

and so now i am going to be in charge of all the kids while he talks with the grown ups. under normal circumstances, i would be freaking out. i can barely wrangle my own children, and to have to direct kids that aren't mine, that is a huge source of stress. but i know i'll be ok tonight, because there is cake involved. and i've actually done something like this before.

when bumble turned seven, one of this birthday party activities was letting the kids decorate their own cupcakes while the adults ate the big cake with all the candles stuck into it. i learned much from that experience, like there's no point in helping most of the kids, because they don't care so much how pretty their cupcakes look, they're going more for how many toppings they can stick on it.

and so, tonight, i am preparing for the fun and the mess. i have a box worth of cupcakes already baked off and cooling. dear hubby wants to bring all 24, in case parents want to decorate also. or siblings show up, like how we're bringing lumpy and fishie. i also have rainbow and chocolate sprinkles, a bag of chocolate chips, mini marshmallows, and enough plastic cups to divide up the toppings so each kid can have their own. i also a plastic table cloth that will hopefully contain the mess, and the plates and napkins should help too. i have yet to make the icing, but the plan is to put some in a plastic bag so that everybody gets their own. it also means that they kids can just squeeze on the icing, which i'm hoping will be less messy then handing out plastic knives to spread it.

hubby's plan is to let me get all the kids set up decorating their snack, and he will put a movie on for them to watch. then it's just a matter of hanging out and cleaning up after. it should be fun. or at least interesting. and i know it will be good practice for the next brilliant idea i decide to try out at a birthday party.

high comedy

people have told me that having a girl would be very different after having boys. and i have to admit, it's not as different as you'd think.

as babies, there's still naps and diaper changes and crying for no reason and all those sleepless nights, whether a boy or a girl. as a toddler, it's been no different. and so far, my dear fish acts just like her brothers when they were her age. she gets into everything, and throws tantrums when she can't. she tries to communicate, and gets upset when she's not understood. she's amazed and amused by the simplest things.

fish is just like any other toddler. she does all the same toddler things, and still, she's her own little person with her own identity. she tries to tell knock knock jokes, she likes to pretend she's a cat, and she loves telling what sounds animals make. just like lumpy was the same and different than bumble, fishie is a unique kid.

and yet, there is one way that my kids are exactly the same. and it's one way that drives my dear hubby nuts. they are all obsessed with body humor.

the boys have finally begun to understand that there are certain bodily functions that everyone does, but we don't need to make a big deal about it. and we should say "excuse me" after. and we certainly don't talk about it at the dinner table. unless their dad isn't home, and it's just us, then all bets are off.

and fish thinks these processes are hilarious. to be exact, she'll pass gas and then yell "i toot, i toot. it stinky!" and of course it's followed by much laughter. certain people in our family can't wait until she's old enough to start pulling people's fingers.

why yes, i am raising a proper lady, just like her brothers are perfect gentlemen. sometimes.

co sleeping is not for me

first, let me explain for those that don't know, co sleeping is the practice of parents sharing their beds with their infants and young toddlers. some of the benefits are that it helps babies stay asleep and get back to sleep faster if they wake at night, because they are already next to their parents. also, it's easier when breastfeeding babies, because when they get up at night, everybody that needs to be together already is. lastly, those parents that work or can't be with their children all day are at least able to spend time with them at night, getting all the hugs and cuddles in that they can.

in truth, i don't like this practice, and don't subscribe to it. it was recommended that i try co sleeping when i was having so many problems breast feeding fishie. the thing is, i know myself, and i know that i am such a sound sleeper, and roll and move so much, that if i had my baby in bed with me, chances are i would roll or smush or something equally awful would happen to them. and that it part of the problem with co sleeping, which is why most doctors warn against it. studies show that babies get crushed. or, because they're so small, they can get themselves tangled in pillows and blankets and smoother themselves. i never tried co sleeping with my boys, i was always against it, and i really didn't want to do it with fish.

with the boys, from the outset, i set them up in their own bedrooms, in their own beds (really cribs), and they understood that is where they were supposed to sleep. when they came home from the hospital, they slept in the nursery right away, none of that sharing our bed or even our room. the crib was right across the hall from my bed, within sight if i left both doors open, and i felt that was the place they were supposed to be. and as they grew, because they were used to sleeping in their own bedrooms, i didn't have to worry about them wandering to find me if they woke up in the middle of the night. they stayed in their rooms, they didn't try to share my bed, and i liked that just fine.

unfortunately, fishie never quite got that message. it probably didn't help that maybe two months before we had to leave our old house and live with my mom, she just started sleeping in her toddler bed. she did not get used to it as quickly as the boys. when they were little, when it was time for bed, i would put them to bed and they would stay there. i might hear them wake up, but they were very good about putting themselves back to sleep. though the house that the boys were babies in had two floors, so when they would wake up, it was easier for them to go back to sleep then to try to make it down the stairs. the house that fish was a baby in was all one floor, and her room happened to be right next to the living room, so whenever she would wake up, she could stumble into where her dad and i were and climb on our lap instead of putting herself back to sleep.

another fun fact about my kids and toddler beds is that we put dear bumble in a toddler bed shortly after he turned one, simply because we needed the crib for lumpy. and then we got bunk beds and had bumble sleep on the top and lumpy sleep on the bottom when they were very young, because we had to turn the nursery into guest room for a guest that had to stay with us. so, thinking back, lumpy never actually made it to a toddler bed, he went straight from the crib to the bottom bunk. fish's transition was a more interesting story. one night, she woke up maybe an hour after we had put her down to sleep. dear hubby and i were letting her cry for a bit to see if she could get herself back to sleep. suddenly we heard a thump, and before we could even get up to see what had happened, she was standing in the living room, confused and still crying (she was completely fine, by the way). that was the point we realized she was big enough to climb out of her crib herself, and we converted it into a toddler bed, which she's been sleeping in since then.

fast forward almost a year, and we are almost to the point of moving out of my mother's house and into our own. which means, for the first time since september, fishie will be sleeping in her own room all by herself. at the moment, her toddler bed happens to be in the same room that my hubby and i are in, and any time she wakes up now, she just gets up and climbs in bed with us. it's very frustrating, because now that she's gotten bigger, she's become a bed hog and steals my blanket and pillows. more than that, i am worried how she'll do when we move to our new house. i know people that shared rooms with their babies and toddlers, and how hard it was for their children to transition into their own "big kid" room. i can remember hearing the stories about the fights and the tears, and how the kids wouldn't stay in their bed and would only sleep if they were with their parents. it's one of the main reasons i did everything i could to avoid it with my boys, but now i'm afraid i'll have to face that fight with my fish. and i'm not looking forward to it.

bubbles, tiny bubbles

one would think that after all these years of having kids, the wonder and amazement of children about the simplest things wouldn't surprise me so much. and yet, it does. the way the boys get when they learn new things, see an interesting new bug, or realize something that they can do all by themselves, they get so excited.

fishie, of course, is just as excited and amazed with herself and her new abilities. with her, though, it's even more amusing to watch, because the things that captivate her are sometimes such simple things. i forget how young she is, and how things are still so new for her. like blowing bubbles.

every easter, the big bunny puts bubbles stuff in their easter baskets. maybe he knows how much the boys like blowing bubbles. or maybe he realizes the ridiculous amount of candy my kids get from everyone else and knows they don't need a basket full from him. so for whatever reason, every year my kids get bubble stuff.

now, this year wasn't fishie's first easter, technically it was her third, but in the previous years, she was a little young to realize that she got anything beyond lollipops. this year, though, she's been able to sample most of the different types of candy in her basket. and a few days ago, it was nice enough that i took her outside to show her the bubbles she got.

every year, my kids and i blow bubbles. the boys still like it, and they've gotten big enough that i've started buying them the special wands that make the huge bubbles. so now it turns into a competition about who can blow the biggest bubbles. or they let me blow giant bubbles and they have a race to see who can pop the most.

this year, fish finally gets the concept of blowing and not trying to drink the bubble stuff or put the wand in her mouth (huzzah for being non-toxic). so i took her outside and was showing her how to blow bubbles. then, being the independent sort of toddler that she is, she took everything out of my hands and did it herself. and she was amazing at blowing bubbles. and of course she was amazed at herself. we had to stay outside until she ran out of bubble stuff.

the next day, we "borrowed" some of her brothers' bubbles and blew more. and then we blew through everything we had and i had to go buy more. now i'm looking around for a good recipe to make more, because i see many days of blowing bubbles in our future.

my boys are funny without even trying

allow me to set the stage: last night, at dinner, it was just my boys and fishie and one grammy and me. dinner was pretty much a flop, i should have started earlier or set the oven temperature higher, and even a quick shot in the microwave at the end didn't save it, but i'm over it. anyway, while the boys are finishing up eating, we were all trying to get dear fish to name her body parts. it helps to keep her distracted from throwing things when she's done eating, plus i think it's important stuff for her to know.

so we were going over her knee and her elbow and her chin. and then lumpy was trying to get her to say "feet," because he kept asking her about a body part that starts with an "f." i was trying to tell him that she doesn't understand which words start with what letters, that's a little beyond her at this point. she didn't understand she was supposed to say "feet," so she said "toes" instead. with little boys, and a sister that is starting to say anything, that got us on a discussion of stinky feet and stinky toes.

and then the one dog started barking, as he often does. and fishie's new favorite thing to ask is "what's that noise?" i explained it was probably a squirrel at the bird feeder. the boys didn't want to let the talk of stinky toes drop, so they asked her again who has stinky feet, and she came up with squirrels are stinky.

and then dear lumpy said that "squirrels are stinky because they smell like nuts."

yes, really. i almost died trying not to laugh. because it was funny, but i don't think it was funny the way he meant. he honestly doesn't like the smell of tree nuts, like walnuts and pecans. still, we were talking body parts, and they are boys. and body humor is hilarious when you're seven. it's just not appropriate dinner conversation, hence the trying not to laugh.

of course, it was pretty funny. the things they come up with sometimes amaze me, and they things they can get away with saying.