my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

March 27, 2011

the reason i write

i am afraid. afraid to say the things that i want to, afraid to say the things that i probably should. i have so many thoughts swirling inside of my head, just crying to get out. and yet, i try to hold them all in.

because of certain events in my past, i am very careful with how much i say, with what i reveal of the true inner workings of my brain. my own thoughts and words have been my downfall, and i learned hard lessons i do not want to repeat.

though part of me wonders if i am just chicken. if i am afraid for no reason. surely those that i have surrounded myself with now are much more understanding, much more reasonable people. they wouldn't dare to jump to conclusions and twist my words. i should trust in them, and trust in myself that the people i choose to consort with are the kind of people that will know what i mean and won't run from me shrieking or try to use my words and thoughts against me.

i know full well the consequences my rambling, runaway mouth can have. if nothing else, i know i have caused needless worry, because people read too deeply into what i say. they add extra weight and meaning. it is why my dear husband won't read these words here, even if i asked him to, because he and i both know that he is most guilty of that kind of behavior. i have tried to explain that most of what is here is just random bits that i need to get out. once out, i am done and more content.

what confuses me the most when people worry over what i write is the fact that they were never worried before. i don't think that people need to be worried in the first place, but these thoughts that are here, they are always with me, it's just now i am sharing them with you. of course i realize you wouldn't worry about things that you didn't know were there, but nothing has changed in me other than what was inside is now out.

this is my outlet, it's really why i write at all. i worry and obsess and fret and freak out, all on the inside, until i am ready to burst. and so, as a cheap form of therapy, i write what is on my mind, what is worrying me, what thoughts i just can't let go. and when these are out of my head and on paper or on screen, these ideas seems much smaller and more manageable, they don't worry me so much.

so as i've said, i don't share to worry others, i share to vent. these are not signs that things are taking a turn for the worse, in sharing i look at it as exorcising demons so that i am better in the end.

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