"happy" christmas

it's not even december yet, and i already want to be done with christmas. all the stores have drug out their holiday merchandise, all the toy catalogs are coming in the mail, not to mention the commercials and specials and music filling every aspect of my life. i am sick of it.

true, i get sick of christmas every year. the overwhelming holiday spirit always gets to be too much. and the commercialization seems to get shoved further down our throats every year. but this year, this year is especially hard.

i feel like christmas really won't be real, because i won't be able to give my kids the christmas that i want to give them. sure, i'll be able to do some of the special stuff that has become a tradition with us, but it just won't be the same. i can't bring myself to dig through the stack of boxes to find where our christmas stuff is packed, so i won't be bringing out any of our personal decorations. i even told the boys i would let them pick out new stockings this year so i don't have to dig for their old ones. the boys are thrilled, and obviously not as sentimental as i am.

so, besides all these new fun feelings of inadequacy, all the old feelings are coming to the surface also. there are always so many toys and games and presents that i want to get for the kids, but i feel the need to hold back so we don't break the bank. more-so this year, because in the next few months we hope to be buying a house. my husband, on the other hand, feels that, to make up for the lack of a home, he will buy out the store to give the kids the kind of christmas they deserve.

now, our kids are great and wonderful, and i'll be the first to say that i want the best for them, but they have so many toys they don't even play with, some sitting in boxes with the rest of their stuff that they don't even realize are missing, so i just don't feel like going out and buying them all this new stuff. especially since i know i'll be the one packing it up eventually. so i've been trying to rein in my hubby's spending, trying to explain my point of view while also getting him to understand that i totally see where he's coming from, but all of this has become a sore spot between us. which brings more stress that i just don't need.

and then of course are the logistics of planning for all the christmas celebrations, trying to find time to spend with all of the families, trying to make all the grandparents happy. this is an impossibility, one i have conceded to long ago. it's just a matter of sticking to the plans i have set and understanding that i will be upsetting some along the way. which just feels more and more like a fact of life.