my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

August 6, 2012

knowing my place

sometimes i am forgetful. sometimes i forget what my real duties and responsibilities are.

first, foremost, and before everything, i am a mother. it's a true fact if there ever was one, and there's no getting away from it.

and it's not like i have much room to dispute or complain. i am a mother because i chose to be. or sometimes, because i didn't chose not to be. there were long ago choices i could have made, things i could have changed, and then this here and now would not be the future of then. i could have said no where i said yes, i could have done so many things differently. and though i might not have known that being a stay at home mom was going to be my major accomplishment in my life, i really didn't do much to stop it from happening or try to change my circumstances.

and even though, in the beginning, i was making my decisions for questionable reasons, they were my reasons. i was not coerced or forced. i still stand by them. i knew myself well enough then that, no matter how things turned out, it was the right choice.

and really, looking back now, i know i made the right choices. or at least, given the options available at the time, i pick the correct ones. i was not expecting to get here, but had i chosen differently, i know where i would have ended up. and though i am not completely satisfied with my life at all times, this reality is a better one than what could have been.

it doesn't matter how much i look back, though, because looking back won't change anything. and there is no point in looking around, because i know what is here and now. what i need to do, what we all should do, is look toward the future. plot and plan and prepare for what is coming as best as we are able. and i am trying to do that. because the future as i see it doesn't have much of me playing a huge role, but the future is for my children. and so i am not preparing for my future, but i am trying to help them prepare for theirs. which is ridiculously hard and frustrating sometimes.

i know the world well enough to understand that my place in the here and now is not for me. my place is to help and support and sustain my kids. i have a pretty good idea what my future will hold, there aren't too many possibilities stemming from a past like mine. and so, instead of trying to rail against fate and change what i consider my destiny, i will put all my efforts and energy into helping my children. because their futures are still filled with possibilities. if nothing else, i want to give them a choice, and make sure they know that choice exists, to give them a chance at a much brighter future than what lies in store for me.

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