my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

August 1, 2012


so this past weekend, i went to otakon with my hubby and a bunch of our friends. it was my third year going, and it was wonderful as always.

and of course, it was awful, because i couldn't leave my brain at home and fully enjoy myself.

we went with friends that we used to spend tons of time with. but since we've moved out of the jtown area, we see them less and less. and sometimes, even when we are in town, we're so busy doing the family thing, we don't get to see them at all. and so, it was very nice to be able to spend some grown up times hanging out and doing all the things we like that we don't normally get to do.

let me back up a sec and make sure everybody realizes that this is a huge social gathering of freaks and geeks, all the nerds enjoying themselves with all the subversive activities the normal crowd doesn't understand. and i love it. it is a weekend to be free and have fun and talk to other enthusiasts about all the things i love, people who understand and share in my obsession with fictional characters, how amazing it is to meet the people to make the work you love, and how fantastic it is just to see someone else get overly excited about the random. it's a time to dress up and pretend and to leave the real world behind.

but like i said, i can't leave the real world behind. as much as i'd love to completely forget things for a while, it always follows me. so even when i'm having a truly interesting conversation with friends, i still occasionally realize that people are actually listening to the things that are coming out of my mouth. and even though i've known these people for years, words still fail me when i get random bouts of stage fright. and so i trail off, sometimes mid-sentence, and instead of making a fabulous point, i mumble incoherently and vow to remember to keep my mouth shut next time. or, even more amusing to the detached part of my brain, is to watch when a bit of mania takes hold, and then i begin to ramble a mile a minute, part of me shouting to shut up. and when i'm done i'm always left with a feeling of shame and embarrassment, of why oh why did i say that?

so while i did enjoy myself very much this past weekend, i still left with feelings of regrets. of how i must have been so stupid and foolish, and all my friends are too polite to tell me what they really think.

in truth, i'm sure, no one noticed anything too out of the ordinary. and it was all in my head, as it usually is.

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