"long time gone"

so it's been a while since i've posted. yeah, it's been a very long time since i feel like i've done anything constructive with my time.

and honestly, i know exactly what the problem is. to borrow some words of a friend, i just don't have my head screwed on right.

i've got all this stuff, these words and thoughts and feelings, rolling around my head constantly. i'm distracted, i'm not sleeping well, and i just don't know what to do about it. some of it is simple stress and worry from the day to day that is going on. but some of it, some of it are the old words, the words i've been trying to leave behind, the thoughts that i know aren't true and aren't real and don't serve any purpose. and yet, it's hard to get them out of my head. just admitting and acknowledging gives these thoughts power.

i used to be able to work through things, in my own time and in my own way, and then i would be able to get over and get past all the darkness going on in my head. but this time, it's not working. i am trying, but it's hard. and sometimes i am tired. and sometimes the whisperings in the dark sound reasonable and make sense. and maybe those crazy little thoughts are right.

they're not, i know they're not. but i wished they'd just shut up sometimes.

and so, with everything going on, it's been hard to concentrate on anything beyond the concrete. i've been pushing through to keep up with the day to day. still, i know things are falling and being forgotten.

so this is what we're going to do, i'm going to try and post more. seriously. i mean, i know i've said that before, but this time i'm going to take a different approach. instead of writing happy little snippets of still life, all the things i normally share that i think help to make me look good or normal, i'm going full on crazy. i'm going to use this as a public place to work out my demons. it'll be honest, it'll be real, and it'll be very different.

and after i work through what i need to, if you've stuck by me through all of it, hopefully we can move on to the fun stuff. you know, like sugar.