my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

November 18, 2010

just like me

there are two things that happened yesterday that have been swirling around in my head today. both are rather upsetting to me, but one more so because i think i'm just looking at it wrong. it's something that i thought i was past, but just keeps coming up in unexpected ways.

i love my bumble, i really do, but yesterday he made me cry. he is the sweetest kid in the whole wide world, and he was just being that wonderful kid that he is, but somehow he can get in my head and remind me of things that i try to forget. and the worst thing is that i know he has no idea, so i try not to be upset in front of him. his innocence is one of his most beautiful qualities, and i don't want to ruin that in him.

with thanksgiving next week, there have been a lot of turkey projects coming home from school. i knew they'd continue with going over the things they are thankful for, it's a staple, and both boys talked about it way back in preschool. lumpy already brought home a picture he drew of him and his dad, though i secretly believe the only reason he's more thankful for his dad than for me is because i don't have cool video games i let him play. yesterday bumble brought home a paper with a paragraph that he wrote all by himself about the things he's thankful for. he said he was thankful for his dad, because his dad is awesome. he also said he was thankful for me because i am just like him. that was it, that's what got me so upset, that little phrase is what made me cry.

i guess i need to go further back and explain a few things so you too can understand. growing up i never really wondered about my future. i never really planned for things or thought about what i might be when i grew up. i definitely never expected to be in the position i find myself in now, married with three children. the full truth is that i never saw myself getting married, but more than that is that i never wanted kids, never not ever. part of it was that i didn't think i would be a very good mom, which i still have doubts about to this day. more than that was because i've heard people say that kids will grow up to be like their parents, and i never wanted to curse my children with having to grow up and be like me. i really hated myself for a long period of my life, and the thought of bringing another life into this world just to have to go through all that i did, to deal with the delusions and craziness and doubt, it just didn't seem fair. i wouldn't wish this on anybody. so if there was the smallest of chances that my kids would be anything at all like me, i didn't want to take it. it didn't seem worth the risk.

the years have passed since then. i met a wonderful man that helped to introduce me to the concept of self worth. of course i married him so nobody else could get their hands on him. we've never had much as far as worldly possessions go, but he has always promised that he would make me really and truly happy, and really what more could i ask for in him? he's always wanted children, and he convinced me that it wouldn't be such a horrifying and terrible idea, and we gave it a try. three kids later and i'm beginning to believe him. still, i worry and i wonder if our kids will be like me, burdened with all the darkness that i struggled with. i really hope not, but still i sometimes see glimpses of myself in them.

though i suppose it's not all bad that bumble is like me. he definitely got my insatiable curiosity. and some of my caring and empathy. we share the same wacky sense of humor. and i'd like to think that the fact that he tries so hard and is always ready to experience something new is partially due to my influences. as he grows and goes out and explores this great wide world of ours i know he'll change, he'll turn more into the person that he is meant to be, that he'll never be a carbon copy of me. i have a funny feeling, for good or for bad, i'll always see a bit of myself in him, but i'll love him anyway.

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