my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

January 13, 2011


i have a lot of stuff swirling around my head at the moment. most of it i'm not really sure how to deal with or how to respond to. i am, at my core, a nice person, or at least i like to think so. i avoid confrontation as much as possible, sometimes to the point where i miss my opportunity to speak when i really should have. i try to put others before myself, thinking of their feelings and their needs before worrying about what i might need or if i'm going to be ok through all of this. now i'm not always like this for all situations, and i am known to express my point strongly if it's something that i really believe in or something that is really important to me. but there are other times when i will keep quiet and not say anything if i know disagreeing will lead to a stronger conflict that i know can be avoided if i just don't get involved.

i have been called weak and a mouse and a pushover. i look at the world like this: there are certain issues that i feel very strongly about. and there are certain things that i will stand for and fight to protect with my last dying breath. everything else i just let go. it's not like i don't get upset about the rest of it when people bash my values or beliefs, but i know that i can't fight for everything, so i chose my battles. if i disagree with someone that i know will debate the issue fairly, then i'll speak up. but if it's somebody that i'm afraid will get more upset and drag other people into it and make the conflict way bigger than it has to be, then i'll keep my mouth shut.

maybe i take it to extremes, trying to please everybody, make everybody happy, agree with them by not speaking out to show i really disagree with them. maybe i need to learn to speak up for myself and my beliefs more often. but some things, while they are important to me, aren't worth fighting for. i guess i'm just a pacifist at heart.

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