real resolutions

i guess you can think of this as a more serious addendum to yesterday's post. i realized last night there were a few things that i didn't mention, a few things that i that i thought it was important to talk about. and, if i post them here for all to see, i know i'll be more apt to try and stick by these two resolutions of mine.

this year i want to try harder to raise my kids better. there are times where i think they really deserve better than what i can give them, better than me, but we're all kind of stuck together and we need to do the best we can. there are times that i get tired and frustrated, and there are times where i'm afraid that i take things out on them. i need to try less yelling and more talking. i need to figure out a way to explain situations to them so that they'll actually understand and respond, not just get upset and shut down. yes, i do understand that they're just kids. and yes, i do know that they are still figuring out cause and effect, just learning about consequences, and that they only have a basic grasp of empathy. but these are the things that i need to teach them, to show them, and i know that leading by example is the only way to do it.

though this year i also want to try and give myself a break. not like take a vacation, though that would be great too, but more let myself be who i am and understand that it is ok. i try and be understanding to all, i will make excuses for people just because i want to believe that there is good in everybody. there are times that i have cut my own self down and gone without just so that others can get what they want. i need to stop doing that. i need to understand that my wants and needs are just as important as everybody else's, and i need to fight harder for the things that i want. because it is ok to want, and i shouldn't feel guilty when i actually get the things i want.

just like i shouldn't feel guilty when i think and feel the things that i do. this is something that'll probably sound crazy to everybody else, but it's a part of me that i've fought against for a very long time, and i just need to realize and accept that it is who i am. there are times where i don't like what people do, and there are a certain few people that i just don't like. but nobody can get along well with everyone, and that's ok. very rarely do i speak up or act on these feelings, but there are times i am guilt-ridden for even thinking this way. i pretend and play nice and on the inside i think about how much i want to punch them in the face for their stupidity. or i want to yell and scream at them. or i don't want to help them out of whatever jam they got themselves into by acting like idiots. i'm generally a nice person (or at least i like to think that i am), but i don't have to be nice all the time. sometimes it's ok to call people out on their stupidity, or how else will they realize it, right?

i guess my resolution for this year is to be nicer to myself. i try to be a kind person to everyone, but i fail sometimes. i need to realize that is ok. i am far from perfect, but i do try my hardest to make everyone happy. i have to start making myself happy too.