my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

February 16, 2011

are my pants on fire?

*i want to preface this post by saying that i really am ok, everything is really going well for me right now, and this post is something that i have been thinking about and working on for awhile. so no worries, please, just read and enjoy.*

i am very good at saying all the things that people want to hear. i have had years of practice giving the answers that, while not a lie, are not really the whole truth. but they are the answers people really want to the questions that are asked. or even the questions that they wanted to asked, but were too afraid of what the answers might have been. so i told them what they wanted to hear, what they needed to hear. i said all the right things to make them go away satisfied, and to hopefully stop asking me questions.

now, it's not like i'm really hiding any great secret, not like i used to. i feel what i do is more for diplomatic reasons. i'm trying to give people a measure of comfort and security, a feeling that everything, including me, is right in their own little world. and i understand people very well. i usually know what they're trying to say, what they really mean, without them having to come out and explicitly say it. and in the same vein, i know not just what they want to hear, but more what they need to hear. usually their questions come from some worry or fear, and i have figured out what i need to say to assuage those fears.

there are some people who really don't need to or want to hear the whole truth. they just want to know that everything is fine, that you are generally ok, that there is nothing that they need to really worry about. so i tell them that i am fine and everything is ok. usually things are far from fine, but the truth is complicated and the explanation messy, so i take the easier route for both our sakes. i will admit that i believe there are some that are so oblivious they don't even realize there might be another truth, that they really think everything is ok. then there are those that know what i say is a lie of omission, but they don't care enough or are too frightened to find out what the real deal is.

there are other times, more selfish times, when i tell people what i think they want to hear just so they'll leave me alone. there are things that people want from me, want me to do, and so i have figured out safe answers that are basically along the lines of "i'm thinking hard about this problem/situation/event, let me get back to you when i have everything sorted out." or i make up some far off date, saying that i will deal with/start said task then. and depending on the person, those answers satisfy and i am left in peace. and really, i can't say that it is a whole lie. usually i really do need extra time to think about things, i am very cautious and want to be very careful before making a big decision. and in most cases, i do have everything figured out by that far off date i set for myself. honestly, though, i like to do things my own way in my own time, and i don't like to feel pressured, so unless there really is some deadline i need to abide by, i set my own time line in such a way that those asking are satisfied too.

i will admit that there have been times, and still are times, where i just flat out lie. there are things i just don't want to tell people, things i don't think they need to know, or even things i'd rather not bring out into the daylight, things i don't want to admit to myself. there are certain opinions i have on various things and events and people, those are things that most people don't need to know. not because i am intentionally presenting a false front of myself, but because i know it would hurt feelings and make things more complicated than they need to be, and i am willing to go along with a lie i have created about myself if it will spare someone else grief. it stems, i think, from the fact that i try to be nice to everyone, and i don't like to hurt feelings or make people upset. people don't need to know that i really don't like their friends or that i think they were acting like idiots or that i really was hurt by some of their stupid actions from a long time ago even when i told them i was fine with it. there are also times where i will say that i am fine when i am not because i know the focus needs to be on someone else who needs more help and support than i do at a certain moment. there are also times where, in my head, i am a very mean and spiteful person, and there are so many things i want to say, or scream, at people, so many people i want to just go off and punch in the face, but i know that it is wrong, and so i bite my tongue and say what lie i need to so that i can keep the peace.

there are, of course, those closest to me that will call me on my lies and bullshit. there are those that i can no longer lie to, that can just look at me and see the truth. and i know i need these people in my life, i need them to keep my sane and grounded, because it's these people that want to know the truth, usually already do know the full and ugly truth, and are ok with it. they know the blackness i hide inside, and they accept me, all of me, for who i am.

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