my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

February 27, 2011

silver-tongued devils

i might not have the greatest self-image. i consider myself a realist, but maybe i don't actually see the real me. still, i have had people tell me all sort of compliments that i just don't believe are true. random things that are usually the sign that they want something from me. maybe i'm wrong, though, maybe these things are actually true. how does one really know, though? especially when one has been hurt so many times in the past.

i had a rough time of things for awhile. growing up, i was searching for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. i was looking for somebody else like me, somebody else that would actually understand and sympathize, maybe actually think the same and act the same as me. i'm not sure if i could say i ever found anyone that really met my high standards. but i did run across some nice and not so nice people.

the nice people were great, and at times i was comfortable enough to let my guard down, to show my true colors, to reveal the depths of my craziness. the not so nice people were not good to me. the took advantage of my naivety, my desire for acceptance. they told me all sorts of tales, and i believed them all, and they ruined me in the end.

those not so nice people, they would tell me how great i was, or pretty or nice or funny. they would flatter me until i blushed and smiled and thought they were the greatest people in the world. then they'd ask for favors or money or acts of kindness, and i would gladly agree to all their demands. and eventually, when they grew tired of me, they told me what they really thought. they told me how strange i was, how funny looking, how unstable, how stupid. they thought i was a joke, and they laughed and left me.

and so, because of them, i grew more cautious. i used what powers i had to find out all that i could about a person before i would open up to them. rarely did i share much of my true self. and i tried never again to believe in the niceties that people said. most times i would smile and say thank you for the compliment, but i would never take it to heart. i always believed their sweet words held ulterior motives or dark intentions.

to this day i have trouble believing people when they say nice things to me. i think i will always have that little voice in the back of my mind, wondering what they'll eventually want from me, thinking they're trying to pay for favors with pretty words.

i know i have a skewed sense of self. who i think i am and what i think i look like is not exactly real. it's still a shock to see myself in pictures sometimes, because i never think i really look like how i show on film. the real problem comes to light when i think one thing and i have the world telling me something else. that things are not as dark as they seem, that i am doing well or am nice or am pretty or am smart. how do i get over all the mistrust that swirls in my head? how can i start to believe people when they say nice things to me, and that they don't just want something from me in return?

like all of my other issues, i am working on it. slowly slowly, little by little, i think i am getting better. or at least that's what i've been told.

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