my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

February 22, 2011

looking back

i want to try to explain something that probably will sound crazy and contradictory. i have been looking through old pictures, some from as long as fifteen years ago. i look at myself and at all the people that i knew, the people that i have lost contact with and the people that i have lost forever, and it makes me sad. i miss the life that i once had. a life full of unstoppable dreams and wild hope and crazy expectations. and yet, i'm not really upset with the place that i'm at in my life right now.

i used to be a wild and crazy girl, believing in magic and happy endings. now i am much more of a realist. now, if i hope for things, it's things i know are possible to achieve. that way there is less chance of being let down in the end. my dreams are much smaller, things that i know can happen. instead of expecting the best and greatest possibilities, i prepare for the worst, because anything can happen, and i've learned not to expect that "anything" to be good.

i used to dream big. but most of those dreams ran straight into reality, and i had to face facts. i grew up and found myself, and came to understand the person i am and the place that i belong. there are things in this world i am not suited for, and i understand that. i know my responsibilities, i know what i should be doing and need to be doing. i don't regret the choices i've made, the life that i've built, but i do miss the surprises that life used to hold.

my life used to be filled with random and unpredictable moments. now it seems i know exactly what will happen on any given day. my life has a schedule, and with kids like mine, we don't stray far from that schedule if we want to avoid melt downs and drama. i love my kids, i really do, but it's not exactly possible to take spontaneous road trips to far off places. it's more important to make sure that they get to school on time, that there are clothes on their backs and food in the house.

i guess i'm just jaded. i dreamed big and lost. now i'm more careful because i'm so afraid of falling again. what i miss the most about the girl i used to be was that i was able to live unafraid. the future was this great big mystery out there, and i was content to explore and wander and figure things out as i went along. but i've been beaten down by reality too many times to live like that any more. i am well aware now that actions have consequences, and i find it easier to live carefully and avoid trouble than to try and live free and recover from the bad things that happen.

if i could ever go back in time and tell my younger self one thing, it would be that i should cherish my carefree days, because once they are gone, they are so hard to get back.

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