my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

February 28, 2011

"you are beautiful, no matter what they say..."

here is a logic problem, or rather a bit of logic i have a problem with. my baby fish and both my boys are beautiful. and all my kids look like me. so that means that i am beautiful too, right?

yeah, right.

it's hard to admit that i'm beautiful, especially when i've had so many people reinforce throughout my life that i am not. i know it's something i'm dealing with, and there is probably a part of me that will always struggle to accept that fact, because there was a time in my life that i surrounded myself with terrible people that told me awful lies. and there will always be a nagging little voice inside my head, somewhere deep down in the darkest parts, that will be whispering that i'm really not beautiful, that i'm just as fat and ugly and disgusting as certain people have always said that i am.

for years and years i have been struggling to change my way of thinking. there are some that have tried to help me. my mommy tells me all the time that i am beautiful, but then that evil little voice chimes in and says that she is my mother and she has to say nice things like that. then there is my hubby, he has always said that i am gorgeous and wonderful and the best thing ever. there are times though, especially when i'm having a bad day, that i don't believe him. that i think he's saying such nice things because he wants something. or that he thinks it's what he's supposed to say even though he doesn't mean it. which is especially crazy because anybody that knows my husband knows that he is the definition of sincerity.

so i'm trying to be better, i'm trying to improve my self image. to understand that there are parts of me that i truly do love, and that even though there are parts that i don't like doesn't mean i should scrap everything. i have the ability to change what i don't like, it is my own body. or, if it's something i can't change (like my ridiculously huge clown feet), that i just need to accept that fact and actually be ok with it and move on. no one is perfect, and no one likes every single little thing about themselves, trying to get to a place like that is impossible and i need to understand that.

i need to do this because i've come to realize that i have a beautiful baby girl and i want her to believe that she is beautiful and not think that it is a lie. i want her to accept the body that god and i gave her and understand that she is perfect no matter what. i have come to realize that kids will mimic their parents, and for her to feel beautiful, i need to show her what feeling beautiful is like. which is hard. crazy hard.

a serious bit of truth here: i never wanted a daughter. when i found out during my pregnancy that i was having a little baby girl, i totally broke down. honestly, when i got back from my doctor appointment that day, i woke up my husband bawling and it took him quite some time to calm me down. and then every time i told anyone that i was having a girl after having two boys, their reaction was invariably that i must be so excited to finally get the little girl i must have been hoping for. that sentiment was like being stabbed by jagged rusty knives, because it was the complete opposite of the truth and yet i felt the need to play along instead of launching into a long and complicated explanation. the truth was that i never wanted a girl because i was afraid that she'd be just like me, and i never wanted that for any child. i can remember times in my life where i hated myself so much, where i thought the world was filled with darkness, and life just wasn't worth living. if i have a girl like me, doesn't that mean she'll have all my faults and craziness too? how is it fair to curse an innocent little baby to a life like that? so, while i've always wanted kids, i've never wanted girls. i got lucky the first two times, but my luck ran out with fishie.

well no actually, that's not really true. because she is beautiful and perfect. and i can work to give her the life i never had, the life i always wanted. i have the chance to show her how wonderful the world is, how kind and loving people can be, and how special she really is. she is my chance at a do-over, a chance to make things right. but i know the first step is trying to fix myself, to show her through my own thoughts and actions how beautiful life is. that there is no such thing as a "good hair day," you just have good hair. that everyone looks different, there are an infinite amount of body types and shapes and sizes out there, that instead of trying to get yourself to look like how you think you should look, you should be happy and revel in the individual and unique way that you look. you should be able to celebrate your differences, you should show off your own brand of beauty and style.

i need to show my fishie that all of these things are truth, just as i need to learn them for myself. it's hard to be a girl, even harder to grow up and be a strong and happy woman. being the mother of a daughter is a challenge i never wanted to have to face, because i never thought i was good enough or strong enough or even qualified enough to accomplish it. now though, i'm beginning to think that i might be, and i know people who tell me i am. and i do have the support of lots of loving people. it'll be a struggle, but i think i can make things right this time.

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