"i just don't want to do this anymore."
long long ago, in a far away place, that phrase was something i uttered all the time. and then thing got better. and stayed better, for awhile. now i find myself saying that phrase again. mostly under my breath.
though most did not know me then, and did not understand what i meant by that back then, today i mean something very different. still, then as now, even though i might say that often, it doesn't mean i'm going to give up.
i might sigh and shrug, but i'll keep going on and on. because i know my place. and i know my responsibilities. i know what i'm supposed to do to keep the great cog turning. i won't let people down, just because i hate this with an all-consuming passion. even though i feel like i'm dying inside some days, that this is all just breaking me down and turning me into something i hate, i will keep moving things forward. because this is life as i know it. and one thing i know for absolute certainty is that this is all temporary.
this will all get better. i just have to keep struggling forward, continue with the day to day grind, and eventually i will be able to come out the other side. sadly, it's not to say that i can do any more than what i am to help forward progress. or that there is anything i can change to affect the situation for the better. most of this is out of my control. which is why i'm forced to keep my head down and just keep plodding along.
and always keep in the back of my mind that this too shall pass.