my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

January 20, 2012

truly random

so i've had a lot going on this week. i've been given a lot to think about. and instead of writing a series of posts about everything, i'm just going to do a wrap-up post for the week right now. try to follow along and enjoy...

is it so bad that i don't like to wear clothes? during the summer, shoes and socks are the bane of my existance. and is it so bad that i don't make my children wear clothes? they're boys, and she's a little bit, so why can't shirts and pants be optional? when they get older, unfortunately i'm sure they'll get more insecure about themselves, more self conscious. and eventually it will be very innapropriate to let my little girl run around topless. but right now, they're kids, i want to let them enjoy the freedom that they have. and if we keep it confined to our own home, are we really hurting anyone?

underwear, by the way, is never optional, always mandatory.

speaking of freedoms, what right do people feel they have to censor what i do and say? i guess, really, this thinking comes from all the PIPA/SOPA talk that happened. and i'm very very glad there was talk. piracy is bad. blanket restrictions are too. piracy should be stopped, but these two bills are not the way to do it. prohibition never really stopped the people that wanted to drink, so i'm not sure how this'll stop the people that really want to do illegal things online.

also, i keep dreaming of houses. i dream of my kids in their rooms. or running around a yard i've never seen. i dream of being in a kitchen with all my things, every thing where i put them. and then, i always wake up.

now before i go too much further, i want to say that i am eternally grateful to both my moms for taking us in. we do have place to move and to breathe and to be here. i can't imagine what the alternative would have been, had they not opened their home and let us come. and there are days that i feel like my brood and i are a terrible inconvinience.

still, it's not quite the same. and i'm getting to the point where i'm looking for things and realize they're still in boxes somewhere. though when packing things up, i tried to think about what things i wouldn't miss being in storage. i guess i never realized that the storing would be this long.

so does that make me shallow? or petty? wanting things, physical things? all of my needs are met, and more. i am comfortable, i am taken care of. i am able to have all of my kids and hubby with me under one roof. and i know they are well taken care of, because i'm still here to take care of them. but i miss my things, my stuff, my books and movies and music. i miss looking at my curio of nicknacks. i miss my bed.

and this wondering and confusion in my brain has also lead to thoughts of guilt. with other things that i'm not going to talk about, i've also begun to wonder if i'm really that great of a mother. how much that is wrong with my kids is my fault? how much are they born with, and how many issues are created by what i have done or didn't do? and is it too late to fix things? though i'm not really sure if i'm able to, if i'm strong enough. so many people telling me so many different things, and all these things i'm supposed to do so that my kids are happy and mentally healthy. when am i supposed to find the time? time to spend one on one with each of them every day. and still do things together as a family. and still help them with their homework. and make dinner. and baths and bed and laundry and shopping. how many hours do these doctors think there are in a day? i know being a mom is a full time job, but i'm not sure i can do it for 24 hours a day with no time to myself. it's impossible.

i call shenanigans.

i will breath. and remember that they are doing ok. and no kid is perfect. and they are happy and healthy, most of the time. but in truth, they are normal kids. and i shouldn't worry as much as i am. as my dear hubby would say, i am a good mother. i'm the best mother my kids could ever have.

No comments:

Post a Comment