my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

March 30, 2012

"its just me"... but not anymore

there are so many things i want to write here. things that are going on in my life. or things that are going on in my head. real things. personal things.

all too personal things.

because while i know this is my blog, with my thoughts and my feelings, it's not exactly anonymous. things said online have real world consequences. i know that all too well, it's a lesson i've learned over and over again. and i'm trying my best not to repeat it.

and yet, it always catches me by surprise when i'm talking with someone, physically with sounds and not just glowing words on a screen, and they reference something i've only written about and never said out loud.

for a very long time, my online persona was very different and very separate from who i was in real life. the things i'd say, the jokes and references and discussions of topics about things that would never come up in my real life, i loved it so. i built a place for myself, separate from my physical being. still, i was careful not to share too much or go too deep. the net is a haven for freaks, and though i enjoyed hanging out with them in cyber space, i didn't want them invading my real space. there was a line i didn't cross.

now though, that line is blurred. and i feel the need to be even more careful with what i say and how i act. my online persona can affect how people see me in the real world in this age of digital dependency. and so i was forced to give up my separate lives, to close the door on anonymity, to craft a more careful and well thought out internet identity. because whether i want it to be true or not, i can't pretend the other half doesn't exist. the people i interact with online are now the same people i see every day.

to be totally honest, it makes this so much harder. it was easier when i had the freedom to say whatever i wanted, because i knew no one was paying attention to my ramblings. i could be vague, or not so vague, rant about what was bugging me, get it out of my system, and move on with my day. now things are not so easy. no matter how ambiguous my descriptions, there are those that could figure out what and who i am talking about. so my online de-stressing could turn into real world complications, with hurt feelings and offenses taken, when all i was trying to do was get it out of my head so i could move on.

and the other side to all of this, the one that i forgot about and was recently reminded of, is that the internet is forever. the things we say and the images we upload, they are permanent. even if we erase them on our side doesn't mean that they weren't already shared or downloaded, saved or physically printed. so things typed in a temporary fit of anger or angst could live forever. and when it can be printed out in black and white, it's so much harder to take it all back. in this world of over-sharing, parts of our past have ways of catching up with us in the most unexpected ways. and it's not always so pleasant.

and so, though there are things i want to say and share, i know i need to hold myself back. because i don't want my words to haunt me. or to be brought up later. i want what i say and share here to be things i would tell my children. because these words will be here for them to find, and i want them to be proud of me.

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