my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

March 6, 2012

self doubt and the real truth

so i've been questioning a lot of things lately. all manner of things actually, from all parts of my life.

maybe it's because certain things have not been going well, but i wonder if it's really all my fault. is there something i could have done differently. or didn't do. or did and shouldn't have. and i just don't know. and i'll never really know. but of course, i think that it must be all my fault.

because i'm the one in charge of things around here. i'm the one in control. i'm the one making all the decisions. so when things go wrong, it must be me.

which then brings me to wondering whether things would be better, run smoother, if i wasn't in charge. maybe if somebody else held the reins for awhile, things would start getting sunnier.

the worst part of all of this is the guilt. because i'm not only in charge of me, i'm in charge of my kids too. and i wonder if i'm ruining things for them the same time i'm messing things up in my own little world. that maybe i've done things and scared them for life. or the reason that certain things are messed up in their lives is because of me. and maybe they'd be better off in the long run if there was somebody else running things.

but then things kind of swing into focus, and a few truths emerge.

the biggest one is that there isn't anybody that's going to take over for me. it's not like i have an understudy waiting in the wings. and there's nobody better qualified than me to do this job anyway. not that i really have any qualifications or degrees or anything, but i've gotten years of on the job training with my little monkeys, and nobody else can say that.

also, and more specifically as far as dear lumpy is concerned, there is no one out there who would be able to prevent all the random medical crap that kid goes through. he grew normally, so no one would have known that he'd be so susceptible to pneumonia and that flu vaccines don't work for him. or that a simple fall off his bunk bed would shatter his forearm and dislocate his elbow when he was still in preschool. or that, most recently, he would have thrown up so much when he had the flu a few weeks ago that he damaged his esophagus to the point he now has acid reflux and that's why he's not eating or sleeping. though i wasn't able to prevent all his problems, i can at least help instill the benefits of excellent medical coverage.

another thing i realized is that there are probably very few parents in this world that would be able to really explain to their children why bad things happen to them. and why there are bad people that want to hurt them sometimes. because when things go sideways, kids want to know why. and why is such a hard question to answer.

also, i'm beginning to see that all the prepping in the world isn't going to guarantee success, for you or your kids. getting them into special programs and pushing learning before preschool might make them smart, but that doesn't mean they'll be nice. or have tons of friends. or even an easy time in school. learning disabilities happen sometimes. and social awkwardness. and random twists of fate that throw everybody a curve, no matter how much you planned for. early walkers aren't destined to always be the fastest runners, they just took steps before other kids caught up.

lastly, i'm slowly coming to understand that, even though the world might not always appreciate what i do all day, or even consider it a job if i don't actually get paid, my work is way more important that any random office drone. i am shaping the next generation, and i'm trying to make them kind, considerate, and respectful individuals. and there is no more necessary and important product for tomorrow than that.

No comments:

Post a Comment