my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

March 16, 2012

he called me ma'am

right now i feel like i'm living a dream, and at any moment i'm going to wake up.

now, it's not anything i'd call a nightmare, though there is much stress involved. it's more like things just don't seem real, because everyone around me is treating me like a responsible adult, and i believe i'm anything but.

lately, i've been doing a lot of stuff that forces me to interact with other parents. and they treat me as an equal. like i'm a grown up just like them. like i'm not some young imposter that just happens to also have children.

and my boys' teachers also act like i'm an old lady that knows what she's doing. not really "old," but they act like i'm an adult. just because i'm responsible for my children's upbringing doesn't necessarily make me responsible.

which brings me to when i have to take my kids to the doctors. in the back of my mind, i worry that i'll take them in while they're sick and somebody will look at me and say "obviously this lady is too young and immature to have children. we must rescue these kids until she gets older and wiser." because of course my kids wouldn't have to go to the doctor if i knew what i was doing with them.

in the biggest example of craziness, dear hubby and i are making great strides in our attempts to acquire a house. in fact, today we went and signed bunches of paper so that some crazy people would give us a mortgage. and i say crazy people, because who in their right minds would actually lend my hubby and i money to buy a house? not that we aren't responsible in that respect, or financially sound, but it's more like i feel so young, and you don't go give money and houses to kids. or kids with kids. i think that's everybody's just going along with it because we've been able to prove that we understand how serious this all is. which is super. like super serious.

as silly as it may sound to some of you, i just don't feel that old. maybe it's because i don't feel like i've done much with my life, so i can't be that old. or that there are so many chunks of years that have kind of gone fuzzy when i try to look back, so they don't seem like i've even lived them. or there are days that i look around and wonder where these kids came from, because i only have little babies, cute and adorable, i can't be old enough to have grown boys like mine. they must be somebody else's.

i guess i just need to face facts, i am getting old. or older. and i've finally gotten to a point in my life where i'm doing grown up things. and not acting like an irresponsible punk. and that other grown ups are bound to notice and treat me with the respect that i deserve, even if i'm not sure that i've earned it.

i guess i better get used to being called ma'am by more than just the bag boys at the grocery store. even if it still makes me giggle. because unlike what anybody else thinks, in my mind i'm obviously 12.

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