my quote of the moment: "if you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness." ~julie-jeanne-eleonore de lespinasse

February 4, 2012

i bet you think this post is about you, don't you

i don't deal well with people. i am socially awkward and never know how to act, what to say, or what to do.

it's hard enough when i have to ask for things. in my mind, i always sound strangely demanding and insistent. i always wonder if i am inconveniencing the other person, if i'm being a pain and a bother. if i can do or get that thing i want or need by myself then i will. i try not to ask unless i absolutely can't do it any other way.

on the other hand, if i do ask for help, it's only in a dire emergency. and if you can't help, or say you can and then don't, i will be understandably stressed and upset.

the thing is, you probably wouldn't realize that i'm seething inside because i'm smiling on the outside. and though it kills my husband, even when i've been let down, my gut reaction is to say "it's ok. no big deal."

really it is though. it is a big deal. and it is certainly not ok. but i hate conflict, and in an effort to smooth things over, i will gloss over my hurt and rage and act like i'm fine.

but if you say one thing and do another, if you forget to do something or let me down, i will be upset. any normal person would be under such a circumstance.

what a not so normal person then does, and what i always end up doing, is making excuses for the other person. i rationalize why there has been such an outcome to this series of events. "they were busy." "something came up." "they had something more important to do." "they are overwhelmed or stressed themselves." i think i go along with this line of thinking because i don't want to think they just forgot because they don't like me.

and so it goes. in an effort to keep the peace and smooth out the wrinkles of life, i put myself and my feelings second. because i am so afraid of conflict, and because i am so afraid of upsetting others.

it takes a lot for me to get so upset that i let the other person know about it. and when i do, even if i'm in the right, i still feel wracked with guilt. the most normal thing in the world sets me into a tailspin of self doubt and self loathing. is it any wonder why i try to limit my contact to the outside world?

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