yesterday i was talking about finding help to parenting problems online. and how there is good and bad, helpful and hurtful. and today i'm going to talk about the hurtful.
there are two kinds of people that frequent those
parenting sites, two kinds i hated, that i thought were damaging to other
parents, especially those impressionable and unsure. the first was the
type that, if you asked a question or shared your personal experience,
they would jump on you and tell you that you were doing everything
wrong. some would go so far as to say you would ruin your child if you
continued. you were supposed to stop doing whatever it was that you were
doing wrong and start doing things exactly like they told you to. not
that they were experts, as in the kind with doctorates and degrees, they
just claimed to be experts because they had been there, done that.
these people are, in my opinion, awful. they weren't helping with their
"i'm right and you're wrong" way of thinking. tearing someone down for
the choices they make, especially when it's something so personal as
being a parent, isn't helpful. no one knows their own child better then
the parent, and to say that a parent is damaging their child because
they aren't following your sage advice doesn't do them any good. at
best, it's annoying, at worst it makes them second guess and question
themselves and worry and stress. and all parents have enough worry and
stress. every situation is different, every child is different, and to
tell somebody what worked for you is fine, but to say that if they don't
do it your way no matter what is just crazy. these kinds of parents
need to take a step back and realize they're not always right.
the
other kind of not helpful parent isn't really not helpful because
they're being mean. it's more that i can't stand them for the image they
project. some people have this online thing figured out. they have come
to realize that what you post is the only part that others see. so if
you only post the best parts, the perfect stuff, you can seem like a
super hero to those that don't realize the view is filtered through rose
colored lenses. which is fine, if they want to seem perfect, i'm not
going to judge them for that, i wish i seemed perfect too. and i'm not
going to blame the naive parent for not understanding they're not
getting the whole picture when looking at these people. no, my problem
lies when these seemingly perfect parents start saying how easy
everything is. that if they can do it, why can't you? or, if they go so
far as to say that they love being a parent, every gross and crazy and
stress moment is wonderful sunshine to them.
now let me
stop for a moment and clarify before people get too upset with me. i'm
not saying that being a parent isn't great or wonderful. i'm just saying
that being a parent isn't great 100% of the time. seriously, whether
you've heard this before or you think i'm speaking blasphemously, i will
be the first to admit that though i love and cherish my children, there
are some days that i want to lock myself in the bathroom for 30 minutes
if it will promise me peace and quiet. and thinking like that doesn't
make me a bad mom. i would do anything for my kids, but that doesn't
mean they don't get on my last nerve sometimes. but they are kids, it's
what they do. and i also understand that being a mom is technically my
job. being a parent is a job, even if it's not a full time job like it
is for me, and there are very very few people that can say they love their job 100% of the time. and this is especially
true with parenting, because no matter how much you were around kids
before you had them, it doesn't matter because everything changes when
you have your own. and every kid is different, with their own identity
and their own challenges.
so that's why i have a
problem with those happy sunshine people i've seen online. those perfect
people that make everything look so easy and they always look so happy.
the moms that handmake everything for their kids and pack them special
organic lunches and spend all the one-on-one time that's recommended by
doctors, and then they turn around and tell everybody how easy it is and
if they can do it everybody should! i call shenanigans on them. they
might really love being a parent, and they might really find it so super
easy, but i doubt it. they can project that online because they only
post the happiest of pictures or the best parts of their day. there are
down and dirty times, every kids throws a tantrum at least once in their
life, there's no parent that's gotten to sleep through the night since
day one of their kids life, and it's harmful to make other new parents
think that way. because new parents are stressed and sleep deprived and
worried about making a mistake, and then if they stumble across these
super parents, they might start thinking that they really are doing
something wrong. because if perfection is possible for others, why not
for them? and those kinds of thoughts don't help to alleviate stress or
worry, it just feeds it.
the simple truth, in my mind,
is that parenting is hard. it's the hardest thing anybody can do. you
are responsible for making and shaping a life. you are raising the next
generation that we're all depending upon. so no pressure, right?
and
in this day and age, it really does take all the help one can get to
get through some of the really hard patches. and it's nice to know that
there are more people than just those you know in real life that you can
go to for advice. but just like with everything else online, you need
to be careful and evaluate the advice and opinions of strangers. even
(and especially) mine.
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